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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post often mostly because there is still so much anger in me,

Post away and let the anger out. I set up an email account for him to send my letters to him- last one was yesterday 😳 I haven't spoken to him since January 2013. But I have 4 kids and a granddaughter that share DNA with us, when he flucks with them, I get mad and write an email. Current count 3k emails and growing. 😕 although to be fair, there are quite a few addressed to ow/NW. I've been divorced since 2003.

We are always up for a good angry email (not sent/ SI eyes only) some of the best quotes on the quote thread are from those letters.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you K.

Long journal entry/rant ended as so many do....

"Ah,f%&# it. Let's just make it simple. F%&# you."

Thinking I might be a few miles from detachment, but trudging in that direction nonetheless.

I may be slow, but I refuse to give up.

Hugs to all of you wonderful folks here!

PS...anyone got a spare bar of industrial soap? I need to wash my own mouth out after that particular journalling session.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 704 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On especially good stream of cuss words IF 😉 my grandmother heard you she would wet the Ivory soap in baking soda for scrubbing!

It stopped my brothers and I from cussing up a blue streak around Grammy Murphy.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if this is long winded, but need to put something out there for the newer folks. When I post, there is obviously a lot of anger still in me almost 4 yrs. into this ordeal with my XWS. I just want to say that it is not always this way. My particular NPD asshat had many challenges....SA, drugs,alcohol,domestic violence, and worst of all, he raped his own sister for 2 yrs. when he was 14 and she was 5. As a result, he is never to be alone with our daughter. I have therefore been the supervisor for his twice weekly visits. This contact with him has greatly slowed my healing process. Add in some FOO issues of my own, a bout with PTSD, and wahlah!...molasses recovery.

I say all this only to say many of you WILL heal faster. Please do not be discouraged. Even at this slow pace, I am soooo much better. And you will be too!

And even if you snail along like me, there is healing, and joy, and peace to be had. We will get there!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 704 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness bent, that is awful about him & sister. I do not understand how with his criminal conviction he is not stripped of any contact with your child.

He is a pedophile-plain and simple.

How can the courts allow this? How often are your visits? That is a lifetime sentence for you and your children.

i am sorry.

Breaking from the cycle and focusing on OUR own recovery is hard and some days its babysteps just to get through the minutes but some days we feel empowered by growth of leaps& bounds when things just click. Hang in there it does get better.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Bent))))))))

You aren't the only one on these boards with a CSA history.

Healing isn't linear, it's 2 steps forward 1 step back, 2 steps back 1 step forward. It looks more like a cha cha.

Keep reaching out here, I found my best healing was because others understood exactly what I was dealing with, even when I refused to accept it. They gave great advice.

Keep posting, getting the divorce was a peace of cake, the shit hasn't stopped hitting the fan in one way or another since we separated. The good news- the fan isn't aimed at me anymore!

Hugs, and welcome to the tribe.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree at least right now the focus isn't on me but on the new fiancee.

She has seen him for who he is and stays - but like Kajem, I have given thought that she is probably just as screwed up as him and end up causing additional headaches.

I just wish and hope that they both ride off into the sunset happily ever after and leave my kids alone.

I am going to wait for court papers and deal with it as it comes.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ran across this article today and thought it was affirming, so I wanted to share it here.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201404/who-falls-dishonest-people-not-who-youd-expect

I am dealing with a communication hangover from Prestone. DD requested to spend time with him, which resulted in a sh*t storm of messages trying to get him to commit to something. He actually ended up proposing something I had suggested to the kids might be in their future, so I'm thinking DD gave him the idea. I didn't feel good about it, and instead of sucking it up and not saying anything, I spoke up. I said, I don't feel good about this. He asked why, and I asked him hypothetically how he would feel (ugh, mistake, trying to conjure empathy) letting his daughter spend the day with a SA who has a preference for teens. (I felt kind of nice about leaving the rape fantasies out of it.) Backfire. Instead of a compromise or reassurance, I got hate spewed back at me. How dare I think he could do anything like that to our daughter? (Seriously?? This is the guy who advertised on CL for a "daddy's girl type"??!!) He takes his recovery very seriously and it is obvious that I do not care about his recovery or him. He ended by saying I should just tell her that he doesn't have time to see her. I refused, saying that I am not going to be put in the middle of that trap. He messaged her saying something came up at work and he wouldn't have time to see her, which I actually thought was pretty nice. BUT then, he messaged her on Monday, telling her that he'd been upset since he told her that because it was a lie, and really he had gotten upset with me and instead of working something out, basically had a tantrum. She was upset after getting the message, but said she understood why I would have reservations (because of his other behavior, not the SA stuff, she is not aware of that as far as I know) and that she was frustrated that he would not follow her advice about thinking before acting. Anyway, I didn't respond to his self-pitying tirade, and he's gone NC. Thank the maker for small miracles.

I want to throw the idea that this white lie bothered him so much into his face tied to a brick. His kids are the most important to him? His recovery means so much to him???? He got his 4 month sobriety chip???? How about I tell that to the ladies on CL he was messaging 2 weeks ago????


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Less than 90 minutes to go until I have meeting with NPD mom. Although I have some fear of the unknown, I'm surprisingly calm.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today yop...sending positive thoughts your way.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need to have a small vent and the tribe are the only group of people that will understand. I feel like everywhere I look today and read today, that all D couples get along amicably and I am in the minority. I must be an awful bitter ex wife because I cannot be friends with my ex. Even Tiger's wife said today that she is on good terms with him and that he is a great father and she has forgiven him. Ugh!!! I have forgiven the pain my X caused me but NOT what he is doing to the kids. I also cannot brush off how he treats the kids and fix it to make his relationship with the kids all better...not my job. I am tired of people telling me that all will be forgiven with time and all will be well and you need to let it go for the kids sake. They have not been the ones holding my kids as they lose it emotionally, help heal a child that has been cutting from all the hurt her father has done emotionally, take the high so the kids can attempt a relationship with him on their terms, and the rages of anger they have felt. I just don't see that as a possibility with an NPD ex. I also have no desire to ever be his friend again as it will never be the right thing for me emotionally.

Vent over thanks!


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am tired of dealing with this crap, year after year and nothing changes.

I was looking through old emails and came across some doozies-but thankfully remind me that nothing has really changed in him and as many barriers that I might build up it always ends up in conflict.

We have little ones (10&5) and it saddens me that this is how its always going to be, I seriously wish I could just move away and not deal with him anymore.

I wish my kids didn't have to suffer, I can only hope that I can give them all the love they need so they don't end up screwed up as adults.

At times I wonder and doubt if i am doing the right thing and questions everything i do two-three times and think of consequences good & bad.. hate that is how i have to function now.

Bad day today, I have alot of upcoming changes and feel like I just want to run away.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it ever ends. My kids (4dd's) are technically adults at 23,23,21,&19.

2 years ago DD3(21) asked him for help to study abroad in her degree program at her university. He promised her $2000 which was what she estimated she would need. Then she switched majors and the program changed to a different country to study abroad. This program is very coveted, you are invited to apply based on grades. She was invited to apply. And was accepted. He was excited for her and very proud of her accomplishment. She's been talking about this trip since October. He let her know 2 weeks before she left that he didn't want her to go to this country, and besides he told her he would help her with the other country not the new country! She already had her flight paid for $1500 - non refundable non transferable! She was maxed out for summer student loans. I don't have any to give her... She never asks me for anything, and she did not ask him - he volunteered!!! We called the school preparing to not go. They asked if I tried a parent plus loan? If I apply and get rejected ( I have a foreclosure on my record) her loans will get increased by $2000. I applied and was approved! She's in Israel right now having the time of her life!!!! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Each and every time he does shit like this its another loop around the noose that he's hanging himself with!

He and NW take the special kids on graduation trips. I say special, because my older 2 kids have not gotten a senior trip. It was talked about and has not happened. And since oldest twin has graduated college already- I doubt the dynamic duo of dysfunction are planning her trip. DD2 has a 2 yo that they have spent 0 time with. I don't think she's going on a trip with them. They are to take youngest on a cruise. They put the deposit down and had no money to pay when the balance came due. DD4 paid the balance for them! She's going on a trip she didn't want with 2 people she doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with going to places she's already visited before. Bf's family went on the same cruise on September. XH/NW told her she cab play tour guide for them

I'm removed from it for the most part, but every once in a while!!!!!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard day today- lots of things going on for us.

I went and picked up reading to brush up on my own issues as to how I play a role in this dynamic.

I need to get healthy- for my kids. I realized that for all the npd he is, I have to be super careful as my own foo issues that caused my codependent behavior doesn't affect my kids as well.

Distinguishing the difference between npd "defense" and doing what is truly best for my kids is so hard sometimes. Being a single parent is hard and I need to learn as well- even though we "officially" split time ago we still stayed close and in constant contact, I need to figure things out as well.

I hate this, going through the fight/flight for my kid always unearths so many conflicting emotions.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Southsidecali)))))))

It is difficult to unmesh yourself from the narcs web. The last couple of weeks have me triggering with FOO issues and the stuff thats come to light with my kids has me sort of all over the place right now.

It's another layer of stuff to deal with. I'm dusting off my toolbox and starting again. This time in a new city. Things that I found really helpful 10 years ago CoDEpendents Anonymous.

Although the longer I had nc the less codependent I became - I think we have to be codependent to survive with a narc! It doesn't mean we are that way in other area of our life. Kind of like putting on a beekeepers uniform to keep from getting stung. I put on my narckeeping outfit ( co dependent behaviors) so the narc wouldn't sting me. When I take it off 99% of my behaviors do not exist. And let's face it, when your in the vacinity of a hive - you want to keep some protection close at hand. It's the same way when dealing with the narc!

Melody Beattie has a book of daily inspirations/meditations that really helped me take on codependency one day at a time. I think it's called The Art of Letting go. It really is a great way to tackle the big problem into manageable bits.

Melonie Tonia Evans has made it her mission to make everyone aware of narcissism in the world. Most of her stuff is free, others she charges for. Join her website if you can, the people there are into healing not talking about the injuries they sustained from the narc. Most of the stuff you buy from her can be found places for free. When you buy it, it's compiled in easy steps to follow. Just a warning her site has a very strict code of contact, be aware of that.

Web of narcissism is also a good free place for all things to do with a narc, mom, dad, kid, boss, coworker... They also have a book list/reviews on all narc literature. I found that very helpful.

If I can think of any thing else I'll add it.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have forgiven the pain my X caused me but NOT what he is doing to the kids. I also cannot brush off how he treats the kids and fix it to make his relationship with the kids all better...not my job. I am tired of people telling me that all will be forgiven with time and all will be well and you need to let it go for the kids sake. They have not been the ones holding my kids as they lose it emotionally, help heal a child that has been cutting from all the hurt her father has done emotionally, take the high so the kids can attempt a relationship with him on their terms, and the rages of anger they have felt. I just don't see that as a possibility with an NPD ex. I also have no desire to ever be his friend again as it will never be the right thing for me emotionally.

GRM,
I addressed this and my post disappeared into cyberether!

I'm in the same boat as you. I forgive him for what he did to the marriage. I have a hard time forgiving him for what he continues to do to our kids!

The 2 incidents above are the most recent that I've been told. Teaching my kids by other parents examples has let my kids know that our divorce is not a normal divorce. For Christs sake he can't have a conversation with me and we've been S/D for over 10 flucking years!!!!! He is angry, she is angry - I'm the target of their anger. The glue that keeps them together.

I kept pointing out other divorced parents to my kids all through middle school and high school. How they made time for their kids, supported their kid. Not to make my kids feel bad, but to show them what normal divorces look like. I think they got it - littlest told XH and NW she wanted a FAMILY photo of ALL HER FAMILY, if they couldn't handle it - perhaps they shouldn't bother coming to the graduation! They came and when we called for the family pic - they had disappeared!
It's been a year - she hasn't forgotten.

I've learned to let go of ever changing him - I don't think my kids have- yet.

Hugs, it's so hard picking up pieces of broken hearts.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ladies and Gents,

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you. Had the meeting with NPD mom yesterday and I did really well thanks in part to you fine folks. These past few months I have learned so much about NPD and it really helped me. I posted about the over in JFO under the Dealing with an affair 25 years later...thread. I swear she was taking pages right out of the NPD palybook (if there is such a thing) and I got to see every play in action and put it back on her. I gave her no where to go. Felt like I not only stood up to the bully but kicked it's ass. I know I know, this thing is probably far from over. Anyway's, just wanted to say thanks.

Kajem, those websites and info you directed me to was very instrumental in how my day went yesterday. Along with various other articles that were posted here by Nekorb and others.

Also, I've been reading this book called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina Brown. It's triggery as hell but really helped explain what the hell happened to me. Knowing what was going on was instrumental for me. However this book has also brought out some repressed memories for me like being locked in the bathroom among other things.

http://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611

Hopefully I can start to pay it forward with some of my new found knowledge.

Thanks again,
yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP,

I'm very glad your meeting sent well.

I'm also glad to help anyone dealing with NPD. Pay it forward..... Teach your kids to be narc aware and free. We need more aware peeps in the world. Break the cycle thru awareness and action... It's a legacy we can help create for our kids

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach your kids to be narc aware and free.

Now that IS something I need to do. I have a shinning example for them.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My coworker was talking to me today about STBX. She was asking me about how the process was going and how his was acting towards me. And how I dealt with it.

I was honest about his...poor behavior.

She was replying with "OMG My friends XH is exactly the same. EXACTLY the same. It is like you are talking about my friends XH." Her friend is having trouble handling her XH. I guess that is why she was asking.

I opened up about his NPD-ness a little. I don't mention it in mixed company. I don't think people really grasp the depth of fuckedupedness that is NPD. That when you say "My STBX has a touch of the NPD" they just hear "oh, I have a crazy ex " not "I live in nearly constant stress and fear of my crazy ass ex".

I have passed on resources to her friend (through my coworker) including this site. I almost want to write her a letter.

"Dear Coworker's Friend, Not to scare you, but don't let your guard down. Whatever you do, don't think its over. Not even for a second. Best of Luck, Coworker's Coworker"

I am torn between wanting to help, but not wanting to put myself out there too much. I put myself out too much. Which helped get me into this mess. Codependent much?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

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