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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does hippocracy fit in with NPD?

ETA: do you share joint custody with your NPD ex or do you have sole custody?

Hippocracy is the language of the NPD! It's ok for them to do anything they want, if you do the same thing - you're a monster for doing that same thing. It isn't limited to just you, the disdain of the NPD is for everyone BUT them.

My kids are all past 18. From 2003-2013, I had joint custody with 50/50 parenting time. I was the primary residence for my kids.

The first few years he had custody EOW, till he moved closer. He's had 50/50 parenting time since 2008. The older kids did not want to interrupt their schedule and opted out of 50/50 time with him.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does hippocracy fit in with NPD?

Kajem said it well

My father says NPD-x is a "One-way street" Every thing is his way, and rules only apply to him, or don't apply.... only for him though and he decides. Grandiose much??

Court orders, laws, tradition only mean something to him if he benefits. He can break them or not. However, I am evil incarnate if I follow his lead.

Plus side to this is he is rather predictable and also once I learned the ins and outs he is easy to manipulate. I only manipulate him for the kids sake. LOL

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I have a hearing this week. I'm a wreck. It happens every time - walking into the criminal courthouse in my big city - standing on line with all the criminal court families - metal detectors - police everywhere - the waiting in the hallways - the awful moment I have to walk into the courtroom - walking up to the judge - wondering who else is in the courtroom listening to this circus of a divorce . . .

The stress is making me physically sick.

I probably won't have to speak. It's a status hearing, because as I wrote here last month, the custody evaluator didn't complete his report on time (because Genius dragged his feet).

But I'm still so nervous. Genius usually has something BIG to produce at court - some crazy new accusation or something.
Usually we're aware and prepared, but this time we don't know what he possibly has left in his crazy arsenal.

Does anyone have any courtroom strategies or calming techniques to share? I could use anything right now. I'm wishing I took those meditation classes that were on my To-do list.

Thank you. I just want it OVER WITH. I can't believe it's been more than 2 1/2 years of this. I'm still as scared as ever.


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anti anxiety meds.

I would have one under my tongue every time I walked into the courthouse.

Big hugs to you. My XNPDH was the same way. It was always something. And I never knew what it was going to be because he lied all the time. His wild accusations would come out of left field. My divorce dragged on for years too. Just keep going. The end is oh so sweet.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have one under my tongue every time I walked into the courthouse.

That might belong on the safety thread

I took a xanax before mediation, so, yeah, xanax.

As a 'spot' anxiety-reducer, it's good.

The only courtroom strategy I know cuz I worked it is - find a way to complement the judge on his tie.
Ignore your accusers.
Look to the judge when you speak (or the jury).

Think of the best, funny-ass jokes & try not to laugh.

Don't dress sexy. I know it's hard for you, but still.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sadtoo. I can't get any meds on time for this hearing, but I think I'll need them for the trial. I'll make an appointment with my doctor and ask about them.

Did your ex represent himself? That's what I'm dealing with. So my attorneys play by the rules, and STBX just breaks them left and right since he doesn't have to be accountable.

We have a new judge this week. Heartbreaking. The last judge saw right through him, but the divorce has taken so long that she's moved along.

Thank you for telling me (again) that your ex made up all sorts of wild accusations too. I'm not quite sure what he could even say at this point. Cyberstalking was his last accusation - before that it was using a key logger (we debunked that one). He wanted to send me to jail for that one. He threatened to sue my attorneys and their entire law firm for the fictional key logger. I wish the judge knew about all of this because it makes STBX look so crazy. But it hasn't come up yet.

The only way out is through. The only way out is through. Let's see how much I can compartmentalize things this week and pretend I'm not really in the courthouse. I can worry about whether this is psychologically healthy or not AFTERWARDS.

Thank you again. Just knowing that I'm not the only one makes me feel so much better.


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh, and
"Hypocrisy is the tribute
vice pays to virtue"

Memorize that.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could call your vet and get some doggie Xanax like Jj has. It's the same stuff, just cheaper.

My XNPDH had lawyers, represented himself, you name it. We also went through two different judges. They both saw right through him. Yours will too. Especially if he is representing himself.

The thing that they always forget when representing themselves is that you need more than a long drawn out story when you accuse someone of a crime. You need EVIDENCE. They seem to think that the judge is just going to take their word for it and not ask for evidence or ask for your side of the story.

I was accused of all sorts of crazy shit. Stalking him; Calling him "constantly"; threatening to burn down his new house; stalking his mother; etc.

There was never a police report filed on ANY of these supposed incidences. And when the phone records were ran and presented on court, guess who was doing all of the pycho dialing? How many times had I changed my number? 5. Him? None. The facts speak for themselves.

He filed complaints against the police dept, the prosecutors office, sued me for slander, sued my lawyer. It went on and on.

Just try to roll with it and realize everything he does makes him look more nutty than he already is. You can do it!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo.

You are my hero.

Thank you!!!!!


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo. I just read your entire story. I followed along, nodding and nodding. Most of the things you wrote about the beginning of your marriage are things that I experienced too - and I haven't even told the attorneys because I'm afraid I'll look so stupid.

Your ex's cabinet is my STBX's computer.

I haven't experienced the stalking, though I am prepared for something terrible if he doesn't get joint custody of the children. I have always been terribly afraid that he would do something to our children if he doesn't get custody.

I'm so thankful that you shared your story. I can't imagine that it was easy. It has reminded me that I cannot afford to be complacent. I have to be very very vigilant from this point forward, especially after the custody evaluator releases his report.

You are very brave. I started crying when I read the end of your story - I'm so glad that you've found peace and happiness. You deserve it.


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ChoosingHope)))))
Thank you. Yes, it was a terrible time in my life. But I not only survived, but thrived. And you can too!

No matter how long it takes and how many judges. You will get there. Stay strong.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope,

Before my X’s second deposition, I was describing my anxiety about the whole divorce process at an Al-Anon meeting, trying to figure out how to “let go”. One young man turned it all around for me in his story about recently watching a movie with his niece and nephew, “Madagascar 2“. He described this silly scene where the plane was going to crash and most of the animals were screaming. The lemur held his hands up in the air as if he was on a roller coaster and said “It’s more fun when you raise your arms like this!” So my Al-Anon buddy said, sometimes in the midst of all the craziness around us we have to look for any, however small, part that is fun and just “be the lemur”! So during a bathroom break at the depo, I was standing in front of the mirror, breathing hard, and all of a sudden I remembered that and threw my hands up in the air and said, “Be the lemur!” It helped, probably because it connected me to that safe and supportive group back at home. (The one fun thing in all that was that I looked awesome, due to the divorce diet, in my new dress. I was rockin' it and I knew my X noticed. Too bad for him.)

Another thing I do is bring something with me to visually remind me of something that is a source of comfort or strength. Something on a bracelet or ring works. Sometimes I draw the reminder. I remember going to a difficult, important (last) marriage counseling session, and I drew on top of my page of notes little groups of people from Al-Anon and SI. It helped me to know that there is help for me outside of those horribly stressful situations.

As for meditation, you may not have time for a class right now, but you can learn to slow your breathing. Before you go in, three big breaths, and slowly exhale them. Once inside the courtroom when you are called up or your case comes up, remember to take another deep breath. Practice doing those three deep breaths ahead of time, and you’ll teach yourself that it does work to relax you.

My divorce coach told me I needed to master the art of a subtle head tilt/jerk and shocked facial expression. Nothing over the top to get you in trouble with the judge, but just a look of shock that your STBX would even say something so preposterous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5USLvy_9fcM

48 second mark


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Compartmented. I will try to be the lemur! It's only a hearing, not the trial, so I will just practice the breathing and try to take notes and try to get a read on the new judge.

On a related front, STBX went through my things again and took photos and sent them to the judge today. He took photos of a notebook I keep when I need to jot down thoughts. It was in a drawer by my bed.

I don't think that any of the notes are particularly damning. I'm not too worried about them.

And he took photos of emails between me and some of his old co-workers - people who reached out to me after the S. The content of the emails is fairly innocuous, and the divorce is not discussed.

I'm rattled, as always. In case you're wondering why he is in my bedroom, going through my things, 2.5 years after the Separation, it's because visitation started off here in the marital home because he lived with SA OW. Now he just uses the house like it's his. He waltzes in and out with the kids. I'm so tired of it. I have to hide all my things and leave twice a week. I've obviously slipped a few times, and he's found things.

We couldn't get interim use of the house because we were afraid he would make a case for overnights. He hasn't had any overnights with our children since the S.

Exhausted. And court is tomorrow. This guy will never, ever, ever give up.


Posts: 1591 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH,
Put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom and lock it when you leave.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell. Put the deadbolt lockS on your front AND backdoor, on your windows, on your back gate, (on your bedroom damright too). Fuck him. Really. He's using your kindness to screw you.

The law might say you can't change the locks, but it sure hasn't addressed adding them.
He's next in a year's-long line I'd like to punch the lights out of.

Limit contact. Be smart. Protect yourself. Boundaries. Boundaries? Yeah.
Stop.
Go back to doing kid exchanges elsewhere if you have to. DO NOT ALLOW HIM ACCESS.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom AND a hall closet. Let him figure out where your stuff is hidden and explain to the kids why he is breaking the door to get inside!

Take your stuff to a friends house or keep in the trunk of your car. It's easier to keep him away from it. BUT I wouldn't take away the temptation! I'd still tempt him with a deadbolt on my bedroom door and closet door. He won't be able to resist, and it shows the court exactly how little he cares.

Hugs. Stay safe

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:57 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((CH))))))))

I'll be praying for you tomorrow,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope,

You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I wish you strength and calm.

We are all with you.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Experiencing Normal.

Having these two men living with me, my son and my friend is probably the most healing thing that could have come into my life.

Living with them on a day to day basis, in real life, not out in public where everyone tries to show their best but in the normal interactions of life, is so enlightening.

Everyday I am faced with a new realization of how I had been twisted into a pretzel, of how the abuse had become "normal", just a way of life.

I love to cook for others, always have, to me it is a way of showing love. It just fills my heart to nourish in a real way and to see others enjoy it.

I cooked every night for wh. I would ask, because he would never say, "do you like it?" or "how is it?". To me those questions meant, I did this to please you, should I make this again? Just conversation.

His response, "can't you taste it? Don't you have your own opinion? Why do you need such validation?" Not in a gentle tone of voice but that condescending tone that made me feel shamed.

I would try so hard to not ask. Sometimes though, I would forget, get excited about something new.

The anxiety in the gut as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Always the same reaction and then I would silently berate myself for being so stupid as to forget.

Now, with these two men, these two kind and appreciative men that actually love me it is a whole new experience.

I cook for them, I forget and I ask, "how is it? Do you like it?" The instant anxiety comes, oh no, I did it again.

The reaction, so different, "this is really good! Thank you so much. You know that meal you made the other day? I really liked that. This is so good too, it's a keeper."

I sit and listen, stunned, smiling, but oh God, inside, I scream. I scream because the kindness hurts. It hurts to realize how I was living and I didn't even know how bad it was. It hurts because I allowed him to treat me like that. It hurts because I am seeing what love is, what it feels like and realizing that I never had that. It hurts because I took his words and believed them about myself.

I hurts now, but I think the hurt is just grief, it is a stage of healing. You can't heal if you don't know what is damaged.

I think that experiencing normal, is the best thing that could have ever happened.

I can be myself around them, I can laugh, be silly, even say something stupid and it is okay. They do not attack me, they laugh with me.

It is like waking up from a nightmare.

I think this will help me in my future. I will now know what it feels like to be loved, appreciated, accepted. I think I am learning to just be myself again.

I hope that over time, with these experiences of normal, it will become a part of me, something that I expect and will not settle for less. No more eggshells or pretzels.

It hurts to see this but that is okay. It is all a part of the process, the growth, the awakening.

Love does not hurt.

I wish for everyone that is going through or has been through this abuse, to have people come into their lives to show them normal, to treat them with respect and love.

It is healing, there is hope, there is more.

Can
(maybe I should change that to Buffy, as in vampire slayer! )


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His response, "can't you taste it? Don't you have your own opinion? Why do you need such validation?" Not in a gentle tone of voice but that condescending tone that made me feel shamed.

Is there a gentle way of saying that?

Jesus Christ.

STBX would also make me ask. He would come right out and say what I made didn't taste good.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
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