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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Why would I take my emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath?"

Back on the quote thread can!

Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi jj,

it just suddenly made sense to me!

I am not what he says I am, I never was!

Maybe it has to do with that left brain/right brain thing, being an artist, the visuals work for me!

I can see in the future, someone asks me, "what was the one thing that helped with your recovery from the abuse?"

Picturing a thermometer up his ass!

It just made me laugh so hard but makes so much sense. Just had a thought, maybe this should be my first, post escape painting!

I have been trying to find some inspiration...


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am ready to post about this.

It literally took me days to recover from my mediation with STBX. I walked in a daze and couldn't talk about it. People asked how it went and all I said was "It was horrible".

We went in to come up with a parenting plan for DD. He went in guns-a-blazing. Turned the mediator on me in 5 minutes flat. She split us up and yelled at me for how I have treated STBX. I was like "WTF is happening?". I was so unprepared. So. Un. Prepared.

In the end we found a schedule. The mediator settled herself down. I played nice while STBX was super adversarial. I don't know if I can go back to her. If I can salvage the damage he did.

I read Splitting. STBX has been almost well behaved lately I got comfy. I should have reread it. I am going to reread it for our hearing on Friday (finally, temp orders).


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((littlefoggy)))))


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Littlefoggy))))))))

Write a letter of complaint to whomever governs your mediators. In my county it's at the county's discretion who they use, so my complaint went to family court someone or other, as well as the state certification board. I was brow beaten by the mediator and my attorneys associate. My attorney had a conflict and sent my file to an associate.

It sucks,


Friday is a new day, and a new chance to win. Don't be nice, be confident in what you want.... Ask for everything and the sun,stars, and moon. Then negotiate down to what you want in this situation. He'll think he won because you didn't get all that you wanted!!!

Hugs Honey, you will be ok. Being free of him opens so many doors in life- things you can't see just yet.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about it a little more, foggy.

Is there a domestic violence shelter in your area? If so please call them. They are skilled in dealing with narcs in the legal setting. They can help you. You might not be a victim of domestic violence, but you have been emotionally abused by him, the mediator, and by default the legal system!

Please call. Explain what happened in mediation- they should be able to help you.

Hugs, (((((( little foggy))))))))) I am so sorry you were not treated with respect. How dare that mediator treat you like that!!!

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She backed down when I explained some of the things he conveniently left out.

She was just looking at me and going "Well? Why doesn't he deserve 50/50 custody?" And saying it over and over. And I was looking at her saying "I don't know what you are asking me."

He had just been talking about how horrible I was. Then he left and she yelled at me for calling the cops the ONE time I called the cops and then she says "Well? Why doesn't he deserve 50/50 custody?".

And the thing is I have soooooooo many reasons why, and I just couldn't comprehend the question at that moment. All of the attack mode just put me right into a little ball of passiveness and I couldn't say ANYTHING bad about STBX.

I feel like I totally dropped the ball on mediation. I totally effed it up. And now she is in his little emotional pocket.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Little foggy)))))))))))

Was she making recommendations to the court or was this an attempt to settle some things before court?

In my state, mediators mediate agreements, if you and he cannot agree on something and you BOTH sign the agreement the mediator sends a report saying no agreement reached on points 1-5, point 6 both parties agree to...

And that's it! Do you have to see the mediator again? Did you sign anything? Do you have an attorney? Where were they in the mediation? I've done both with and without attorney.

Hugs, sweetie, it isn't over till the ink is dry..

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ooo foggy! K is so right.
1st - you better have an attorney!
You don't? DEMAND separate rooms. Even WITH an attorney. Your mediator, heck even your attorney may bitch about the extra time and trouble, answer them with this.
"I need to avoid my abuser."

NC even extends to mediation procedures. Most of us are real serious about NC. We fin mean it.
This is the only place on SI that I can only and really advocate for NC and feel safe.

It is
the only way.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is only an attempt prior to court. We aren't obligated to anything said in mediation.

She sent the outline and it looks even a little different from what we talked about.

She sends the outline to us and our lawyers and we go over it and then write it up and sign, I guess... (we haven't gotten to the last two steps)

I definitely have an attorney and we are talking tomorrow.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you have an attorney to tell how you were treated by this mediator. I doubt they'll recommend her for their client again. And that is how it should be!

Deep breaths.... XH and I used our attorneys to hammer out an agreement (last ditch effort after mediation and the day before trial) on reduction of CS. He made concessions, I made concessions, we had an agreement! My attorney typed it up- sent papers by messenger to my office for signature. Sent the messenger 2hours away for XH's signature. Cancelled trial the next day. XH refused to sign the document we agreed on!

Since my attorney prepared the document and called the messenger it was my financial responsibility. I was beyond pissed! It was the first time I got good and angry. I was mad before, this feeling was 100 times more - powerful. I felt powerful angry. I basically told my attorney I'm not paying one more cent for you to talk to his attorney! Tell them see them in court!

It took another 3 months to get to court, where he lost his CS reduction because I proved he was lying! He should have signed, I was willing to take a reduction the first time around. The second time I was looking to destroy his cred, which I did!

It's ok to let out the angry dragon, it's empowering!

And even if you agreed to it, you can still pull a kajems x and say 'nope'. don't be forced into an agreement by any mediator, especially if you don't agree with it! Ok? They don't pay the price for the agreement- you and your kids do. It isn't final until a judge signs it!!!

I wish I lived closer, I'd go and sit behind you sending you strength and giving your x the stink eye! I give a good stink eye, I've had lots of practice

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:42 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is just one thing I am backing down from and that is joint legal custody. And I probably said it a dozen times in the session that I didn't want to agree to it. It won't come as a surprise at all if I fight it.

STBX will use joint to make my life HELL. He already is setting it up with DD's daycare arrangement. (He wants OW/MIL/musical persons to babysit so he doesn't have to pay for it. )


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((littlefoggy)))))
These guys are good. I'm not surprised at all that the mediator fell for his act.

This is the fight of your life. Do not back down. You got good advice here - I know nothing about mediation because it wasn't an option for Genius and me. He's too crazy.

Hang in there and keep reading Splitting. I am sending you strength!!!


Posts: 1697 | Registered: Oct 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the thing is I have soooooooo many reasons why, and I just couldn't comprehend the question at that moment. All of the attack mode just put me right into a little ball of passiveness and I couldn't say ANYTHING bad about STBX.
^^^^This is so me!!! I'd have to sit down and prepare an answer to this - I couldn't do it on the fly either. I'm sure that part of this inability to think on our feet is due to the unexpectedness of the questions but I know with me, I shut down. I have trouble thinking. The list of things X has done is so long, it's hard to prioritize and sort through and spit it out succinctly.

I hope your attorney sets things straight!


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Aug 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a list around somewhere that listed all the reasons why he ________(fill in the blank). In fact I had several lists for him! One to do with custody. Another visitation, medical, CS, ow - you get the drift. Each one had its own page and a heading on top of the page. I can get a bit over zealous on lists once in a while. Funny thing, not so over zealous on list making since he left-maybe that was my way to passively confront his gaslighting!

Little foggy I hope the meeting with your attorney goes well.

What time is court in the EST zone.... I'll send strength to you at that time.

More hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each one had its own page and a heading on top of the page.
Kajem, is this like where you would include a list for "reasons I don't want him on my property", "reasons I don't trust him financially"? I'm thinking this might be good for me. Thanks!!

Posts: 1261 | Registered: Aug 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a matter of time,
how gifted ones (such as you)
answer troubled questions.

I made time my friend, that's how I did it.
There's a poem in me
(saying this unwritten it rhymes) in time
for me.
I have found
in all my years here here
this is true.
I'm sorry I'm sobbin right now
cheeks are wet
that's for sure

But why? Why did such beautiful peeps here
do all this?

Ahh you know.
Tightening cheeks tell me so.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok dear tribe, what I'm trying to say, is the pain you feel right now will subside with the emergence of truth.
It is hard to say this, still it's true, the truth is within you.

Truth is that which does not change since the only truth is change. Bank on that. It's within you, just listen.

Listen.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,

If what I did can be tweaked for you..... Go for it!

In the beginning he was coming into the marital home (while living with his parents) and making a dinner meal for his lunch! He was paying the mortgage only, and giving me $500 month along with the rest of the bills! His parents were helping me by buying food for us (4 kids and myself) bringing a meal to reheat another time and taking the kids and I out for dinner on the day they came. Mil told me to cancel his car insurance.
He's deathly allergic to long hair cats.... Kids found a long hair kitten.. He was is my security guard!

XH would not enter the house that had a long haired cat in it! It worked!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spoke to my lawyer today.

We went over the thing the mediator sent. My lawyer is trying to settle out with STBX's lawyer so we don't have to do the whole hearing on Friday.

I told my lawyer about the mediation experience. She put a lot of trust in the mediator and told me I did really well for him coming in guns blazing.

So maybe I wasn't that passive.

And I don't know if the mediator was equally harsh to STBX. If she was equally mean to him, I am cool with that. I still hope she is nicer the next time.

Here is something: My L and STBX's L and now both trying to manage STBX because they both realize he is out of whack.

They are trying to settle and negotiate the stuff for the hearing on Friday. I was supposed to hear from my L tonight and I haven't. So now I think STBX went off the rails again.

PS. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. ((Tribe))

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 10:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
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