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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post across pages! Felt like the twilight zone....

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:47 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP,

I'm with Nekorb on this. You see the problem and are doing your darnedest to NOT repeat family history. You have your W on board with not repeating history.

My narc mother was visiting for Easter (as were 3/4 of my kids) and we had this conversation about repeating family history. Mom parented as she was parented, which was in an alcoholic abusive situation. Lots of codependent issues, favored child(not mom) she left at 17, eventually emigrating to the US. Met my dad, also from a alcoholic family, got married, and had me and my brothers.

I grew up with abuse, closet alcoholic issues, and codependent is my middle name! At 21 years of marriage dad walked out for OW.

I met XH the night my dad left for ow. We married, moved 1200 miles away, and started a family. XH's family is very different than mine, no hitting, lots of talking, everyone having a say in family discussions.

I wanted my kids growing up like XH did, with respect. Abusing someone shows you have no respect for them. I have raised 4 kids- I can count on 2 hands (not using all of my fingers) how many times I've hit them. All but 2 were when they were toddlers. My mom hit me more than that in a week.

She acknowledges my kids are good human beings, care about me, respect me... And wonders why her kids don't make much of an effort to visit,call, or see to her well being. Even the golden child has little to do with her, he has little to do with any of us.

It was interesting having parenting conversations with her, now that my kids are essentially grown and almost all are on their own. She can't see the difference her actions caused to her relationships with her kids. Typical NPD.

You won't repeat your mothers parenting, and that's a wonderful gift for your children.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya nekorb and kajem. Did some initial investigation and there could be problems with my life insurance if I get tested and I'm positive. Holding off for now. W and I will continue discussions.

Also wanted to thank all of you. I have been reading the NPD threads for some time as well as doing other research on various sites. Last night I had a confrontation with the narcissist on the upcoming day of reckoning I'm planning on having with her. I swear she pulled every play from the narcissist play book. From self pity party to threats and everything in between it was able to stand up to her and shove it back in her face. She knows she's been exposed to others now and she's freaking out. She has one play left where she could commit suicide to get her last word in. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway I really wanted to thank all of you fine people. I was very well prepared and thinking on my feet.

THANK YOU!!

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((YOP)))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yop)))

Be strong.
Let go of the outcome.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((YOP)))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad you are all here. IRL I don't have a lot of support, moving so much and being so new here don't help, I think part of the isolation that has helped prestone for so long. The support groups I've checked out don't work for me, being at times that I can't be away from my kids, or not really being focused on the type of interaction I need. So, thanks for being here. Hoping for a lot more IRL opportunities once I move!

Kajem - Your practical advice about how to approach his behavior with the kids was really helpful! Thank you so much.

prestone blew up over the weekend because he missed out on celebrating our oldest's birthday. Yeah, it was all about how he missed out on the celebration, not whether our oldest wanted him there or not or how he could have contributed or anything. Then, I was almost amazed at how quickly it turned into MY fault, how quickly the story changed into how everything is my fault. HE was the one who said he was going to come Saturday, regardless of when we were going to celebrate. Ugh. Then he kept telling me when he saw me, "You look so sad." ?! I am sure he's feeling really great about how sad he thinks I am. Whatever. I guess if he's feeling successful, then maybe I'll get some air while I work things out with my L so we can get this over with!


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait - didn't prestone ignore your child's requests to be at the party? Am I thinking of someone else?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((QA)))))))

Don't let the turkeys get you down!

Should be our motto.

YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!!

Don't let his rewriting, twisting, manipulating, and circumventing change the very simple fact that YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb - I think the kiddo was expecting Prestone to WANT to be at the birthday celebration and make an effort to be there, and when Prestone pulled his "I need to be invited" drama trip, it surprised and disappointed the kiddo.

K - Thanks for the reminder. I guess I can be grateful that he's consistently being a turkey.


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, fellow zebraducks! Just poking my head in to say you can and you will get through the NPD nightmare. I am 4 years out from divorce and give zero fucks about my ex, though he is still trying, poor thing.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((QA)))
Wow I am so sorry for your kiddo...must have been something in the air last week with NPD's having tantrums bc they were not invited formally that is a no brainer to the rest of the parenting world. My older DD was inducted to the national honor society and she sent a text about being accepted and the day of induction. She thought that was sufficient but since she did not spell out with a the direct words "Please come or You're invited", which then he would then translate into his NPD head as "oh please high and mighty glorious father please come to my induction since it will reflect back upon how great a dad you are since I am being honored for the intelligence you have bestowed upon me thru your DNA", but I digress. Sadly he did not attend and she was really hurt.

QA you are doing great and remember it is his shit to own not yours!

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 6:04 PM, April 28th, 2014 (Monday)]


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V!!!!!

I've been wondering about you! What's been going on, etc.! Nice to see you!


Posts: 11401 | Registered: Mar 2008
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto word for word what TIKY said!!!

v, someone mentioned you on the boards and I spent a pleasant trip in memory lane. Glad you are around and well!!!

tribe mates, special people.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas! I remember you! (And Care and ThoughtIKnewYa too, of course!)

So glad you're doing well. Thank you for coming back and giving us hope.

I'm nearing my third year of this divorce. Cannot wait until I'm four years away from it all.


Posts: 1590 | Registered: Oct 2011
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GRM - Exactly what I was thinking when I went back and reread what you'd shared about that. I am sorry your DD was disappointed, but hope that she is proud of her hard work! That's a cool accomplishment! Thank you for the encouragement.

Something in the air... maybe I should be tracking this on my calendar. If it is cyclical, I might be able to predict the next one.

"oh please high and mighty glorious father please come to my induction since it will reflect back upon how great a dad you are since I am being honored for the intelligence you have bestowed upon me thru your DNA"

Too true.

V - Thank you for sharing! Think I needed a reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel to keep moving forward tonight. I've been sort of dragging my feet, wishing I could just quietly disappear with the kids and have it all be over, but I'll get up tomorrow and be the grown up and get back to getting this done.


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, guys! I have been lurking here, burying myself in work and school and getting involved in some new projects. I'll be doing some nerdy stuff and going to my first Comic Con in cosplay with a bunch of young folks, so it will be fun. Not having dealt with the NPD and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is wonderful! The boys haven't been wanting to spend time at their father's house, so it's just him and Lola. It leaves me with no social life, but that's a trade off for a drama free life.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to see you, V! I'm glad you are doing well and living a relatively NPD free lifestyle. Have fun at the Con!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7781 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been listening to podcasts on recovering from pathological abuse.

This morning, such an aha! so damn simple, so obvious but I was not seeing it.

Why would I expect that I would be able to convince him of who I really am? Why does it matter what he thinks or believes about me???

Why would I need validation from a psychopath?

This quote, a bit crude but funny, just made it so clear for me. From a woman in her late 60's, recovering from 35 years of life with a narc.

"Why would I take my emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath?"

I laughed out loud and realized, she is so right, their thoughts and words and opinions are distorted, manipulative, down right crazy! Why do I care???

I think it might just come down to really believing that they are psychotic, they really are, that is who they are. Don't listen, they will never change!

Now I think I will use the visual to help with the intrusive thoughts. If nothing else it will make me laugh.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

v! I have missed you!
Makes my day to see you back!
WOOHOO!

cosplay?
You gonna dress up?
It's gotta be a zebraduck doncha know!


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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