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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be interesting to see him attack the child custody evaluator in court

I truly hope the evaluator sees it that way on some level. It could be a popcorn worthy event! You will, of course, report back to us word for word with a complete description of facial expressions and body language, right?

I just can't fathom why he even thinks that's a good idea.

Oh wait...yes I can....NARC.

[This message edited by nekorb at 11:01 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.. Just been reading back the pages.. Have a headache from nodding so much am feeling like a bobble head.

One question.. What's the "caulk" your referring to? Ive seen it brought up over several pages.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caulk is a building material that is used to fill holes/gaps in houses to keep the elements out. Example it is used around windows to keep water from getting behind the window and damaging the wood. It's also used around tubs, sinks, floors. Anywhere small gaps are not wanted.

Anywhere small gaps are not wanted.
^^^^^^ I think we found out why the NPD have so many tubes of caulk- to fill in the chinks of the mask they wear!!

Most of us have discovered stashes of caulk in odd numbers or odd places after the NPD left. It seems to be a common occurrence.

Welcome to the tribe.

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:03 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait - do you mean you've (general you ...veterans on the NPD Board))) found literal caulk or figurative caulk??


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Literal.
Having several tubes and guns, all in various stages, is a veritable "tell"...
No.
It's more.
It's one of the dang diagnostic criteria...
S'truth!

Posts: 6538 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my God!!! I am laughing so hard right now!

Literal, absolutely literal, tubes of caulk,caulk guns, empty tubes, frozen tubes, full tubes.
He used caulk for everything!

My son is just totally confused by this, he can't believe it. (he just moved in with me) His frequent expression now as he repair the "repairs" by stbxwh, "what a moron!, who does this???"

He used caulk to put two pieces of stove pipe together that did not fit, he caulked the front door closed, he caulked the bedroom windows closed.

jj, I was thinking the same thing, it should be added to the diagnostic manual.

Laugh where you can find it.

Anybody else have an abundance of pallets? Cleaning up the yard from the mess he left, 25 wooden pallets stacked behind the garage, 25!!!
In addition to some kind of composite pallets, about 10 of those. Why??? What could possibly be the purpose? My son and I are having nightly bonfires.

Thank God for my son, he is showing me normal, he is showing me kindness, he is showing me life again. Even when I make a mistake, forget something, it is no big deal. He is helping me to clean up those eggshells, on shard at a time.

It is kind of odd, I don't even know that I am still walking on eggshells until I slip, the stomach clenches, I get scared...then, he does not react in the expected way, the way I became so used to.

Who would have thought, this little boy that grew into this wonderful man, my son, would be the one to help me heal, just by being him.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TRIBE)))
Been reading over everything everyone's been posting, my heart hurts for you all, but I am filled with admiration and respect for the amazing people you are!!

Thank you all for your support, my kids are older, my oldest is 17 tomorrow, the other two are 15 and 12. It is harder right now because they are all old enough to read the truth in what Prestone says. I don't know how to validate that this isn't right for them, but still encourage them to create a relationship that they define with him. As a mom, my gut wants me to tell them to run far and fast and never have anything to do with him because he is TOXIC. This last rejection was just so blatant and in my child's face that I just about lost it. He WAS at least saying almost the right things in front of the kids until now. The ONLY reason we're still celebrating things together is because I had agreed to that since the kids and I are moving away (never a moment too soon) this summer. I'm afraid he's escalating because the move deadline is approaching.

nekorb, I've also found that money is all that matters to him. It is amazing the concessions I got once he saw how much money he would get all to himself. Of course, he's already screwing up his bills, amazing what happens when you're so self-indulgent you can't be financially responsible.

(((CH)))) Be strong, keep going. I think we're all walking with you.

Caulk. Yes. It seems like everything Prestone owns is part of a collection. The ONE time I actually remember him using caulk, he just caulked over the cracked and gross caulk that was already down. I remember thinking, "Wow. How did I not expect that?"

Can - HOORAY for your son and being such an amazing example of normal. I am so glad you've got each other.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
BelleStar
♀ Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found tubes of caulking in the basement unused and then tubes of caulking frozen in the chicken coop, the barn and on the enclosed front porch.

He never would caulk anything...always claiming he couldnt find the caulk gun tool...that someone must have stolen it.

Those darn caulk gun thieves! That's why when I moved out I gathered all 7 of them and left them in the kitchen for him to trip over. LMAO!

Narcs are sooo alike.


Posts: 1127 | Registered: Feb 2007
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must check garage before packing begins out there.....


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to validate that this isn't right for them, but still encourage them to create a relationship that they define with him. As a mom, my gut wants me to tell them to run far and fast and never have anything to do with him because he is TOXIC. This last rejection was just so blatant and in my child's face that I just about lost it.
I don't know that I'd encourage them to create a relationship with him. In my situation, I was glad when I learned what boundaries are, and I was thrilled when I saw my children put up some with their father. I came to learn that interacting with him was like sticking my hand in a blender. Eventually I stopped sticking it in there, but I know I did interact several times knowing ahead of time it was going to be a mistake. It isn't up to me to encourage my children to try and make a relationship with their father that is good. He's an addict, too, and such a relationship might not be possible for him now. I don't diss him, but I don't encourage them to keep trying either. It's not my place. (My children are older, so of course mileage varies, but I just wanted to throw this thought out there....why would I encourage my children to put their hands in a blender? I see how hurt they are by him when they do.)

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented, you make good points. My IC and the kids' C have been encouraging me to let him have a relationship with the kids, but I'm really conflicted about it, and have no clue about what exactly I'm supposed to do about it that isn't going to mean either encouraging them to try to have a relationship with him or getting involved more than is healthy for me personally (already having difficulty loosening that noose). I haven't encouraged them to have a relationship with him right now because I don't think it would be good for them and they would see right through me, but I have been facilitating time for them to spend with him since we agreed to that before he moved out. I was surprised that my oldest tried to involve Prestone in something that a father should want to be involved in, and that his reaction was so negative.



I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to swear. A lot.

WTF is WRONG with this man????

He is trying to bully me about certain points in the decree. I haven't even seen the counter offer yet. I feel like he is trying to use scare tactics to get me to comply.

"I won't be able to afford to move out if you don't xyz.".

He's been a passive aggressive jerk this week. "I trust you to use your good judgement, unless you've lost that ability.".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

What happened to the man I was married to for so long??? Was he always like this and I never saw it because I was always compliant?

What the hell???

I've sent an email to my L to ask for advice on how to shut him down on this particular topic.

I'm just so pissed off this week.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

They just love taking that moral high ground so!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids were 12,12,10,8 when he left.

It took me a while (2-3yrs) to realize I can't (and shouldn't ) be responsible for their relationship. I can facilitate them spending time (re: the decree) but I don't have to bend over backwards to make it happen.

When XH would pull some shit on the kids, my reaction was to try to teach them normal behaviors. Jenni's daddy also works nights, what is her daddy doing about 5th grade graduation? He was taking the time off to attend. That's a good thing to do. If I worked nights I would try to take off also, graduation is a special occasion.

When they got older " what would you do in this situation?"

Then I'd validate their (normal) reaction as the right one. They could do what they wanted with dad's reaction.

He missed the oldest 2 senior night at school and the other adults, parents, band director had several things to say about him. It reinforced to my girls - the normal reactions of normal people who cared about them!!!!

They were 17, by that time I didn't give a rats ass about him - just my kids.

Hugs. Your kids are smart they'll navigate this with you helping them. They'll get it and unfortunately they'll get him too!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been a passive aggressive jerk this week. "I trust you to use your good judgement, unless you've lost that ability.".
Now, I'm a smartass, especially when dealing with jerks like this, and would have probably said something along the lines of, "I temporarily lost my good judgement when I married YOU, obviously, but the return of said judgment is the basis of getting you out of my life, you effin asshole!". Actually, I probably wouldn't say it, but I'd sure think it!

Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dangit! I stay so far behind on this thread. When I'm sorting crap and dealing with IT (the WH), ya'll are talking 'bout the good stuff.

That is to say...I was going through the tools in the basement and the storage building and starting to sort them...and their are BAGS OF CAULK EVERYWHERE!

I may be in more trouble than I thought...


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Compartmented

Sociopath vs Narcissist

"Evil" is a moral judgment that is not really included as a doagnostic criteria-specifically. Narcissists r USUALLY sociopaths (mild to extreme), but sociopaths are not necessarily narcissists. The true sociopath is a person whose own emotional experience does not extend beyond their own body. Any fear, happiness, guilt, sadness, etc they may experience is quite selfish and only directed toward themselves. If they feel sad, it will be sad for himself. If happy...he will believe he is entitled to that happiness. The sociopath lacks the ability to connect emotionally with anyone/anything else. Sociopaths can shoot a dog and feel nothing at all. No fear, happiness, guilt, disgust. A true sociopath really has no emotions at all...anything in the socio/emotive realm is vastly muted and experienced in a 1st person narrative.

A narcissistic is a different animal altogether. The narcissist typically experiences heightened emotions, but they are generally inaccurate to the situation. They have a rich emotive experience that can fuel everything they do. What remains unclear is this: When a narcissist has emotions for another (empathy) it is unclear if it is TRUE empathy or simply a manifestation of how they themselves feel. Narcissists have a big hole inside of their soul. Regardless of how many emotions they have or how powerful each emotion may be, the hole will never fill up. Therefor narcissists become dependent on others for their emotional "fillups". Where affairs are concerned, the narcissist is "self-medicated" with the affair partner. If the WS is a true narcissist, it is a virtual guarantee that they have multiple affair parterns. The BS does not have to worry that their WS is in love with the AP...the narcissist loves only himself...he lacks the capacity to love the ap or anyone else! The reason there are multiple APs is because the narcissist is using people to fill up their emptiness that leaks out through the bottom. They will go through many many people looking for the one great person that will leave them feeling whole.

In summary: The narcissist is DRIVEN by emotion and their need for an endless supply. They may or may not have empathy, but if they do it is certain their is a selfish experience.

The sociopath is generally quite low on emotion or totally devoid. There is really NO empathy for others.

The definition of psychopath is argued...unclear...but I am CERTAIN my wh is one


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented Everyone is right it is his responsibility to maintain the relationship with his kids...you are not the mediator. Mine are now 15 and almost 17 years old and they have heard me time and time again say that is between your father and you. As I have also said to his highness that his relationship with the girls is between them and is his responsibility as I will not be the middle man. They have seen him without his mask and have figured out who is all on their own.

Sadly just tonight my older DD was inducted into the national honor society at school and he did not show up. In March she had a dinner with him to say that she could no longer go stay at his house but still wanted a relationship with him but needed space for the time being. She texted him over the weekend to let him know and the night of the ceremony. I followed up yesterday with a time change and right before the ceremony I got an email from him:

Thank you, GRM, for the update. I won't be able to make it. In our meeting on 3/23 DD16 asked me for no contact until she stated she was ready to sit down and talk to me again our relationship.

Tell me who is the grown up here and he has twisted her words again. He is so rigid and she opened the door a little and he slammed it shut. His loss.

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 8:12 PM, April 23rd, 2014 (Wednesday)]


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

He was always this way, though probably wearing a mask for quite a bit of your time together (especially in the beginning.)

What I found was when I started to really look at the 13 years I spent with him, he treated me very, very poorly the entire time and I was a master at making excuses.

Being away from him will help bring clarity to you. I know it's so frustrating when you're dealing with him. I just kept reminding myself that he wanted a response and that the best way that I could get back at him was to ignore, ignore, ignore. No matter what he said/did. Come here for support/venting, but don't give him ego kibbles!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was always this way, though probably wearing a mask for quite a bit of your time together (especially in the beginning.)

Sooo....I'm just trying to piece it all together....he actually used to treat me early well. Even before the affair, in certain areas, he treated me really well.

It seems that the problems started occurring when I was in therapy and started being less codependent. He had some issues that needed addressing in therapy, they were causing problems in our sex life...he was detaching from me during sex...I insisted on therapy. He went, under duress, but never did the work outside of therapy. He said that just getting there and having to talk about the things that were causing the problems was overwhelming to him.

I DO believe that. He was a victim of CSA. Terrible stuff. So I think it took a lot of mental energy for him just to get to therapy and talk about how he was feeling about stuff. He is riddled with anxiety.

However, that doesn't mean it's ok for him to make me feel dirty and used. I set boundaries. I became less interested in sex. Simultaneously we started having the God/religion issues in our house as my own abuse in the church was validated and I started dealing with that. He didn't like my change in regards to church etc. He couldn't see past his own anxiety about it to help me or support me through the PTSD. (Still working on that and now a fresh round thanks to WH)

I am thankful that he is going to back to IC. I hope it will help him to at least repair relationships with the kids. He needs to get his shit together concerning our DD that has been having the mental health issues.

I just look back and think he had to have loved me in some way, shape, or form. He really was wonderful for a long time. Maybe that's what makes this so hard.

I saw changes happening. He is definitely one that thinks rules don't apply to him. His online gaming behavior with *teens* was embarrassing - he would actually engage in verbal altercations with kids who were clearly in their teens. Then there was the porn thing. Then...the ILYBINILWY, then the affair.

He very often cites the church thing as his very credible and entitling reason for leaving the marriage.

I really need to post that story in more detail some time to get some feedback from outside people. (Other than my counselor) I've always felt like he took the side of my abusers, and that he responded to my telling him about the abuse, with the same abuse. I'm secretly afraid of people telling me it is a completely legitimate excuse and it's all my fault.

But then I think...what would I apologize for...being abused? I've already apologized to him for my bad attitude and behavior, sarcastic comments...those things did go on for about two years when the issue of church/religion came up.

But he stayed back in those two years, and never moved forward from there, even though I did. Well, I'm about to get into details and I don't have the mental energy for that tonight.

I think I deviated way off my original thought....


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
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