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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC told X that he believed he was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. I was shocked that MC said that as he normally had no labels for anything.

Compartmented, this is what was "sort of" written in the evaluation. I was shocked, too, because I was told that they don't normally label people in these reports.

It's all just scary as hell to research and think about, isn't it? Sometimes I am surprised that I am as calm as I am!

Uh, yes! I started out researching everything about my sex addict husband, stunned by the depravity and risk-taking in his double life.

Then I realized it was NPD. So I slowly learned that the SA was just a symptom of the larger problem: NPD.

And now: anti-social personality disorder. Sociopathic behaviors. Now I have to learn all about sociopaths. I just ordered three books from amazon.

But the report clearly does say NPD. Over and over again, in every possible way. It also insinuates that he might have a little histrionic personality disorder too -

Kajem, thank you for explaining a bit. I am too scared to watch the psychopath segment tonight. But I will watch it. He is definitely not a psychopath. I'm guessing sociopath, which is actually 4 percent of the population. A new fact I've learned.

And ThoughtIKnewYa, yes you and Caregiver were two of my saviors at the beginning of this journey. Yes, I was physically scared of him. And honestly, in my deepest darkest places, I fear him hurting the children to get back at me. I don't know if this is a rational fear - certainly no violence of this sort appeared in the report. I am going to take a deep breath and check out sociopathic world.


Posts: 1667 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awwww, Hope.... you are finding the path and the foot prints I figured you would. That is not to say "I told you so" but more of a "the veil is lifting and knowledge is power."

I think the gut fear of harming the children tells you what you need to know of the "lack of social constraints." It is such a dark unspeakable fear. I myself fear this less and less the farther out we get. This is why it is soooo important to not be a primary source of supply. I want him to train himself to look elsewhere for his source!! Because everyone knows the kids are the fastest way to hurt me.

There was a danger period. And if he were to unravel (lose job, get into legal trouble, lose his sister who is a tether to family expectations, or some other catastrophe real or imagined) then I would be fearful again. I work at being off his radar.

Once things are settled for you with the divorce and the financial settlement. Once he has a new normal, I hope you are in a more stable pattern too. But I agree that caution right now is wise. You haven't gotten to the other side yet. Remember me telling you at some point just being done would be worth more than some of the issues? Being done begins to be safe. Being in a new place, employed (YEA!!!) and routine and not sharing a car or a visitation space... All of the boundaries that come with a new normal and I deeply hope and pray he fades away.

(((tribe))) as always.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And ThoughtIKnewYa, yes you and Caregiver were two of my saviors at the beginning of this journey. Yes, I was physically scared of him. And honestly, in my deepest darkest places, I fear him hurting the children to get back at me. I don't know if this is a rational fear - certainly no violence of this sort appeared in the report. I am going to take a deep breath and check out sociopathic world.
I thought I remembered you!

Sociopathy and psychopathy are often interchangeable words. If someone is devoid of empathy, they are capable of all types of evil deeds. We tend to apply the psychopath label to killers, but, really, most psychopaths never kill.


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone find that their NPD refused to cooperate with the QDRO process? As he was uncooperative during the divorce, my ex is being equally uncooperative with the QDRO. We are five going on six months post-divorce and the QDRO isn't even started yet because he won't cough up the documentation.

Now we're having to file contempt to try and force his hand. Is this what y'all have had to go through, too?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

I don't have any experience with this, but it doesn't surprise me. The rules don't apply to them, you know?


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QDRO's are a long process even with a cooperative ex spouse. Mine are just coming to a close and its been almost a year and mine was cooperative.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nora: Thank you for your wonderful response. I'm going to copy and paste it in my journal to reread.

Try not to blame yourself, though, because the are SO sparkly and charming, they are hard to resist, until you know the truth.

ThoughtIKnewya: WOW! That is the problem. The mask can be so attractive and compelling, but then we see glimpses of the reality and ignore them or explain them away, although our guts are screaming at us.
Once the mask is ripped away, it hard to unsee, and I think that a lot of these NPD's don't bother to put them on anymore once we do "see". They know we know the truth and therefore won't be a source of supply anymore.

The NPD is certainly a spectrum. There are often a lot of strong traits from other disorders such as BPD. A "normal" person can have some traits or perhaps to put it better, "tendencies" to a smaller degree, but it's more within the bell curve of "average".

I think the hardest thing for me was that my WH was at the far end of the bell curve with perhaps overlapping with sociopath, BPD, and NPD and alos some "normal" to make a kind of weird Venn diagram. But it's the degree of the spectrum that makes a difference.

My mother is BPD and I was so conditioned to be used to her craziness mixed in with "normal" behaviors, that I put up with WH for so long. He hid it better than she did, but although I've come to realize that my mother is really a good person with a horrible emotional disorder who, if she really could see what she does would be ashamed and very, very upset, WH is a selfish person who will use people, have little empathy, hiding behind a very well crafted mask of a generous, intelligent, wise and wonderful caring person.

I may be repeating myself, but typing this out helps put things in perspective.

A "normal" person can have some NPD traits to a degree (some studies say this is healthy survival)

But, I believe some NPD's can have some "normal" traits too, and that's what tricks us. We believe the mask, our guts tell us the "normal" traits are real, so therefore so is the mask.

One poster many years ago said in General that they didn't know what exactly was wrong with their WS, whether it was NPD, BPD, sociopath, etc. All they knew that the WS was messed up!!


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where else to post this. I grew up in an NPD family as the family scapegoat. OW#4 was my abusive sister. Mom abused and starved me as a child. My older brother raped me violently for years. My father abused me all around.

The only person in my family that I maintained contact with was my much younger brother. Until yesterday that is. My little brother is all about appearances. Since I refuse to act like everything is perfect, I have been disowned.

I have no contact with my older brother or sister and my father has passed away and I very limited contact with my mother. Now that this has happened, I have no family left.

I keep trying to tell myself that it shouldn't hurt because it wasn't like I have ever known what it was like to have a family member love me, care about me, or support me in any way. It still hurts anyway. I keep telling myself that my little brother has never been there for me in my entire life so I really knew not to expect much, but it still hurts.

It's hard knowing that my family has closed ranks and I have been left on the outside just as I have always been my entire life. I guess I had just hoped that my little brother would be different, but I see how very wrong I was. Not once has he called to see how I was through all of this. He always had other plans anytime I asked him about visiting him. He would come down to visit our mother (who lives right next door to me) and leave if I tried to drop by.

I suppose I should be thankful that I can now grieve the family that I never had and I can cut all ties to that sick bunch. Sometimes I just want to move away so that no one in my family will ever know where I am or how to contact me ever again.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, Furious, I am so sorry to hear about the depths of abuse and evil going on in your family. You must be an incredibly strong person.

Is it possible for you to just move away? Start fresh away from all of them and the triggers? I cannot imagine living right next door to this "mother" of yours.

I think moving away would do wonders for you.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am tending to agree with you about that. WH and I spent some time last night looking up states that we might like to live in. Of course, it will be a few years before we can do that because I don't want to change DD's school so late in the game (she is 16 and autistic). On top of that, my mother has Stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her lungs and bones.

We have agreed to start taking vacations in the states we might be interested in just to see if we would actually like to live there or not even if we have to wait until WH retires to do it. WH's is an only child and his parents and grandparents have all passed away so there are no ties there. I do have a bit of a problem with moving away from our grown kids, but I will cross that bridge when it gets closer.

And no. I'm not strong. I've just had a lot of practice with picking myself up off of the floor.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I am surprised that I am as calm as I am!

My acquaintances still are surprised that I am calm. My real (in the trench with me) friends know the pain I went thru, the angst with which I made each and every decision pertaining to my kids.

Acquaintances don't get that when dealing with them or people that have XH/NW in their lives- are now behind the "show no emotions" wall I had to build for protection.

And in their eyes since I can talk about it without emotion- it wasn't so awful! Maybe it was so bad I had to lock down my emotions in order to deal !!!!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need to get this off my chest before it bursts. Prestone has officially and painfully blown off our oldest child. After making an absurdly obnoxious point of celebrating the birthdays of our younger two over the course of the last three months, suddenly he's going to only come "when invited", including this weekend when we are celebrating the birthday. So he wants us to invite him to the birthday celebration he was already supposed to come to, because it was planned already for a time he could be there.

I am SO done with him and these stupid games I am reconsidering my personal preference with wearing the color orange. THIS after my oldest even reached out to him over the weekend to discuss some future plans. I was very proud of my child, and just get more and more disgusted with Prestone. His reasoning for only wanting to see the kids when invited? "It's just too painful for me."

AGH!!!! Watching my kids suffer because his head is firmly wedged in his own crack feels like NOW he's just going too far! I want to call him and curse him with every horrible curse I can make up, and then toss in some more. I want to call him and make him take it back, so my baby could never have heard him say those things and know DAD was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't even care about a birthday. I want to nail my words into his head so maybe he could start to understand what his do to us.

But instead I come to you guys with this. I pick up my chin, I squeeze my babies tighter and I keep NO CONTACT. This sucks.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came here to beotch about something. But first things first :

(((Furious))) your story is heart breaking. I am in full favor of you moving away and never letting these sick people, aka FOO, know where you are ever again. Personally, I would include your WH in that mix of people never to let near you ever again. I just can't envision you ever having a truly healthy relationship with that man.

My two cents.

Now the beotch portion of the program:

It's ALL about the money, isn't it?? WH has complained very little about not getting the kids, but has brought up MONEY and assets regularly.

I'm expecting his counter-offer tomorrow. Say a prayer for me!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayers being sent.

((((((Furious)))))) welcome to the tribe.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow I missed Quaking's post.

I'm sorry Prestone is being such a jerk! I'm watching my own WH behave badly with the kids, and it does create such a pain in ones heart for your babies.

My counselor and DD's counselor have given strict instructions for me to stay out of their relationship. It is WH's responsibility to fix it, not mine.

It's hard, as I'm so codependent (recovering though!)...I want to make it all better!

Not gonna.

I hope Prestone gets his shit together and comes to the birthday party. You're a better person than I am. I will NOT be sharing special events or occasions or holidays with my WH ever again. It IS too painful to have to be with his cheating self while he tries to play nice. My kids are older though...not sure if that plays a part for your situation.

Be strong!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayers coming your way, nekorb. Yes, money is power to them, I think. Especially if it hurts you.

So, tribe, the you-know-what hit the fan today. STBX filed a motion to postpone my trial AGAIN. Claims the child custody evaluation report is too late and doesn't give him time to prepare for trial. Requested to DEPOSE THE EVALUATOR BEFORE THE TRIAL. Is requesting the evaluator's notes and test results.

He also made the same argument about the forensic analysis of his computer, which actually IS late. Beyond my control, but late.

I'm exhausted and worried sick and out of money. If he gets a postponement, I don't know what I will do. Will talk to the attorneys tomorrow. Betting this will cost me $5k to fight.

He filed this on my first day back at work in nine years - since my children were born. I'm just exhausted. One step forward, five steps back.


Posts: 1667 | Registered: Oct 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CH)))

Don't let him wear you down! Is there a way to make HIM pay for all of the time and added expense he's causing you? Ask your attorneys about that. He just wants you to give up and let him have his way, but he's too dangerous. You can't give in, for the sake of your kids. I really wish there was something I could do to help you!


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CH)))

Wtf is this guy's problem? I'm aggravated for you. Don't let him wear you down. There's more of us than there are of him!

I agree that you should have your WH pay your attorney's fees.

Thanks for the prayers! I will check in tomorrow and let y'all know the status of things.

[This message edited by nekorb at 10:14 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. He's already been ordered to pay my court fees, but he claims he doesn't have the money and will have to take it out of child support. My attorneys told him he can wait until we sell the house - we'll take it out of those proceeds.

We don't even know how much money he makes. We're nearly three years into this divorce, and he hasn't produced this information. It's insane.

He's just the world's worst lunatic. He's also an attorney representing himself. The system is not set up to deal effectively with people like him.

If we can keep the trial date, everything will be fine, I keep saying that over and over again to myself. And maybe he'll even look like a real lunatic to the judge. Who knows. It will be interesting to see him attack the child custody evaluator in court, basically proving everything in the report. Geez. Why me is all I can say.


Posts: 1667 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending prayers the truth is seen by all CH!!

QA, hoping your kids fair better than my oldest 2. They barely speak to him, and prefer it that way!

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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