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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbows,

I was asking the exact same questions about myself on this forum about a month ago!

It is absolutely amazing how similar our reactions to all of this is. The stories are different but so much the same.

They really should have warning labels on them.

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbows if it's any consolation-I still ask myself. I know logically I'm not, but I've had narcs in my life since conception and the lovely little codependent in me has learned to think like them in order to survive. Sometimes I catch myself reverting back to old habits and ways. I have to sit myself down and think about my knee jerk reactions. Sometimes those reactions are narcissistic. I need to find the motivation to the reaction.

That's when I wonder about me, my reactions and my motivation for the reaction. Developing healthy habits is easy, dismantling the programming a little harder.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbows, the general rule of thumb is: If you think you might be a Narcissist, then you are probably not. People with NPD virtually by definition feel that there is nothing wrong with them and any problems they have are the fault of the world or the fault of other people. So breathe a sigh of relief. That you are self-critical enough to examine yourself and worry that there might be something wrong with you, too, means you are highly unlikely to suffer from NPD. :-)

So glad you asked that Rainbow, because I've been thinking the same thing!

As I was catching up in the thread I wondered how many of us are codependent. :::raises hand:::

I think as I have gone through the process of unlearning codependency,some of my behaviors have probably been narcissistic - particularly in the area of setting boundaries...as they had been stomped all over for so long that when I put a boundary in place I did it loudly and forcefully.

I've gotten better about that as I have begun to experience other people in my life respect my boundaries without any pushback at all. I had never experienced that because I had never set boundaries! WH has pushed back against the boundaries that made him uncomfortable instead of dealing with his discomfort, he disengaged, decided to leave the marriage, then had an affair.

He said many times in counseling this whole thing would be so much easier for him if I would just leave hi m so he didn't have the responsibility of ending the marriage. Wtf?

Ugh. Can't think about it anymore today. Too much other crap going on right now....

But I wanted to check in anyway....

P.s. Also want to say my WH isn't officially diagnosed...he definitely has characteristics of a "covert" narc. My therapist used the word "benevolent" narc.

[This message edited by nekorb at 8:45 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, this was a beautiful thing you said:

You took his word over your own voice for so long your inner voice is just a whisper.

it set off all my wild guitars, you know. The song of flowers.

It capped a realization within me. Like a thunderclap. Why do I live in silence? Why do I crave it like a friend, a lover, an open field where I rest my head and heart and soul?

That's why.

Those rhyming things that stumble out with rhythm and beat
they are tears of the deaf,
running down cheeks,
hearing for the first time.
Written listenings
the whispered whisperings
were songs
all along.

Damn you dictionary!
Some hell's arbitrary
agreed-upon restrictions!
Damn you who shutter songs to a halt!
The foot of this one rides banana peels,
beer?

Tonight I'll hold one and cheer.
Fuck me, coffee!
Whoever cried a wordtune in their coffee?
dammit Kajem!
This time,
it's your fault!

gotta be careful bout listening to the inner voice whisperer, apparently, locked down so long, unchained, it's sometimes a screaming banshee...I'll go off and cause rowdiness elsewhere now.


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((jj))))))))))

I'm sitting in silence with you in spirit. I moved into my new place a month ago. No tv - gave them away they were old and dying. Eventually I'll get a new one. Other priorities first.

But - I haven't been able to locate me stereo!!!!!! My phone will access a radio station and also play my music. I miss being surrounded by sound. The phone speaker doesn't do it for me.

Till I locate it in my storage unit-I'll enjoy the silence with you my friend.

It's all good!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey! I've lurked here a few weeks, and you may be my peeps, based on STBXWS behavior, like my displaying sadness/upset seems to invigorate him, his total focus on himself to the point of "you're trying to kill me because you didn't want to cut down the tree in the front yard and it has a dying branch on it," (man's only cut the grass twice in two years), and many other crazy and uber-egocentric things...how do I know, without a psychiatric diagnosis? Cuz that ain't gonna happen...

Posts: 110 | Registered: Mar 2014
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF people. I mean really. W. T. F.

A couple weeks ago WH announced he was going to go down to visit DD tomorrow at college.

She doesn't understand why but is like - whatever....

I find out today not only is he still going but he had invited DD17 and DS15 to go AND his mother and they are picking up DD19 and going for a family get together at BIL/SIL's new place.

A. Did I mention my 17 year old is in the hospital because she was going to jump off a bridge on Monday??

B. If I had known we were going to do this separate family outing shit I sure as FUCK wouldn't have asked him to go to the movies with me and the kids a couple weeks ago. I asked him because I didn't want him to feel bad.

FTG.

Why does this stuff keep surprising me? Is this typical narc behavior?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF.

I just had to say it again.

Do not adjust your computer. This is not a double post.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

F.T.G.!!!


Posts: 11376 | Registered: Mar 2008
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Nekorb)))) yes, this IS why you shouldn't be inviting him to have dinner etc. This next bit is very hard, but the way ultimately to inner peace and ease with yourself. In other posts recently you've been trying to get him to be a better dad. This is him doing it. The reality is that from now on these things will happen in the new framework of two divorced parents who have time with their kids separately. If the kids are ok with this, it IS best. It's hard as hell for you though. Find some time to spend with a good friend who knows everything, maybe go to the movies or out for a meal, when they're gone on their visit. Time to start being good to Nekorb.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that I object to the outing itself- it's the ambush factor and the fact that he was just going to leave me here at home. My oldest was pissed off when she heard last night that I hadn't been invited. She assumed I was staying behind because my other DD is in the hospital. (Gee- that's an interesting concept)

In fact, she didn't know until yesterday that anything was happening other than her dad coming down. Now dad/bro/gma are coming and they are going to aunt/uncle's house.

Yeah. She was supposed to go to a National Honor Society induction ceremony today. She didn't worry about it because she thought she and dad were going to be on campus. She almost called earlier this week and told him not to come.

We ARE still living together, dude. You know? Common courtesy. Clearly that's asking too much. But he won't move the flip out either. If we were already living separately I wouldn't have thought twice about it - his weekend, his time. He didn't even take into consideration DS's homework or anything or have any idea what time they will be back. I told him to handle dinner on his own then.

While they are gone I will be visiting my DD17 in the hospital. We have a three hour window to visit today from 2p-5p.

OMG - I just had a realization. THIS is what divorce would be like in his mind. Bring me along when it's convenient for him, cut me out when it isn't.

No WAY post divorce life is going to look like that. It's going to be the land of NC.

I'd say he was just being pissy because he got the proposal this week, but he has had this planned for a couple of weeks. I went back through our communications and the last time I heard anything about this was last Sunday and he said "I" when referencing his trip today. No mention of the kids or his mom or anything.

It really is the ambush factor that is getting to me. I went to a marriage conference a few weeks ago - alone (long story) - and had the kids come up to the hotel and go swimming for an hour and I took them out to dinner. But I TOLD him about it ahead of time. Back to that whole common courtesy thing.

This is why I am insisting on a visitation schedule. Period.

Oh - and he just popped in to say he thinks he is giving me too much stuff in the division of household goods and wants to talk about it again. WTF.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb,

HE wants to talk about the division of property..... FTG!

WHAT do you want?

Your needs, wants, issues should take priority over his! Especially in your life!

Gentle 2x4 - expecting him to be nice to you because you've been nice to him is like expecting a lion to not eat you because you didn't eat the lion! Not going to mention it's also codependent.

He isn't capable of nice. Treat him like a lion. Give him a wide berth, seek protection, and cut out when you can out run/maneuver him.

He's acting like he's divorced, show him what it will be like when you are divorced! No meals, no discussion of meals. No talking about stuff other than kids and finances -that will be the only things that need discussing when you're divorced. Give him crickets on everything else. He can send an email or contact his lawyer.

This is the tough part for you, where your boundaries need to be reinforced with super steel strength. You can do this, to not do it causes pain again and again. It's like detoxing from an addiction, he is your drug (and you know it's bad for you) you get sucked in to his drama, his attitude, his being an asshole! You've revolved your life around him and it's damn hard to let it go! Who will you be, when so much of your life was wrapped up in him? I get it.

I don't have that answer. I just know you'll be awesome!

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kajem.

I sent him an email and said I would prefer to see his proposed changes to the list in an email before we discuss it.

Did I mention that my "in my head" name for him when he behaves like this is Colossal Ass Hat? Abbreviated CAT. In pictures: <3



Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Winter - This is when you learn the true meaning of "trust your gut".

Click on ICR forums, scroll to bottom of page, click on the very last page# (6 I think) - it takes you to the earliest available NPD thread (archived now).
Here:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=237938

Once through that, repeat, and read the next NPD (archived).
Read as much as you can, or as much as you can tolerate

I read through history for a very long time before beginning to post here, to get a handle on what I was dealing with.

In truth, only a few people here get to have an 'official diagnosis'. Most of us *just know*.
Comes a time, when you just *know enough* - "they're broken mean assholes" is an acceptable diagnosis 'round these parts.


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"you're trying to kill me because you didn't want to cut down the tree in the front yard and it has a dying branch on it,"

Winter,

My XH told me, his family and our kids that I was trying to kill him because I was being difficult not agreeing with him. I was making his blood pressure rise and it would kill him.

He had uncontrolled HB, many meds and was having issues controlling it.

My kids would encourage me to just give in to daddy because they were worried he would die.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those last two posts about Winter's narc made me think of something...

When I asked WH to give me an example of my controlling behavior he cited that my attitude toward church and religion was causing him so much anxiety that it was controlling his whole life.

Somehow I just realized that the short version of that is: you wouldn't do what I wanted and it was all I could think about.

Yes? No?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb--yes, in my newbie opinion.

Been away reading most of the day...ran across the discussion of asking narc husband if he would want the same for his daughters...WAY TRIGGER!

Just had the same discussion with my STBX a couple weeks after D-day...he's got 2 daughters 20-something, and three very small grand-daughters. When asked what he'd advise them to do if one of their husbands treated them the way he's been treating me, his response was "that doesn't even make sense...you're not them." My response: "well I'm SOMEBODY's daughter." I didn't know what to do with that...it's like I'm a possession, not a person.

Sorry...late on the scene with untimely commentary, but it just struck a chord.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Mar 2014
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I should probably go back and read the NPD threads just for learning purposes. Maybe will do that soon.

I just don't get this guy.

I'm never going to get it because he's NPD, right? It's never going to be rational or reasonable again...or is it? Once the D is finalized, do they become able to be rational again?

He is complaining about some of the strangest things and at the same time some of the most entitled things.

Ie: he is complaining that I asked for *up to* a certain number of our blu-rays/DVDs. Probably amounts to 1/3 or less and kids and I probably won't select anywhere near that number. He says, "I thought I was keeping all the blurays and the kids were just going to pick a few DVDs ." Really dude? We have like, over 1000.

The other thing he keeps harping on, which quite honestly is pissing the shit out of me, is my inheritance money. He has ZERO legal right to that money. None. He keeps talking about the money my grandma gave US. She didn't give it to us, my grandpa left it to ME. In fact, he left it to me because my stepdad got taken out of the will when grandpa found out he had been cheating on my mom! So what in God's name makes WH think grandpa would want him to have even a penny of that money even if he *was* legally entitled to it?.

I can't wait for all of this to be over and settled and start adjusting to and defining the new normal.

We put a pretty short deadline on this first proposal to him, so should have something by the end of this week coming up.

Breathing in and out....

Hope y'all are doing the same.

I'm just really ruffled this weekend. I think because he's been completely inappropriate with this whole situation with my daughter AND he's being an NPD twit about the proposal and THINGS.

I wish *i*, as a person, was as important to him as the THINGS in the house are.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, you, my friend are worth more than things.

Things in his world are predictable, they don't challenge him. You do. You stopped being predictable when you stopped following his orders or stopped adoring him.

I like the new Nekorb! Once you are aware, you CS t go back to being unaware.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This bunch is extremely talented and gifted. It's almost as if, no, it IS as if you, just by being you (because you're true you know) make a difference, and your strength of inner knowing...well, holds you to that. You guys cannot waver from your essence.

This, in contrast - to what we do not understand, ...a different 'way of being'...it's this way:

We're married to a color blind person without knowing it, and we spend our whole essence trying to explain "pink".

Admirable effort tribe. Took everything from you to do that, and also! - gave birth to something within you (you did not know? you suspected? you may have had?) to describe it.

It is not a cruelty to cease explaining.
In fact, it is a mercy to you to do so.
It is loving yourself.


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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