It really was a good practice run. It is a huge courthouse with lots of people and no one to ask for information.
Very confusing. I did happen to ask a man for info that happened to be an attorney. He was so sweet and helped me, actually walked me to the right courtroom and told me exactly what to do. He even looked over my paperwork.
He could see I was nervous and told me this really is a scary place but you will be okay, you are doing great.
Thank you Bruce whoever you are, your kindness was so appreciated.
I know that next time I will know exactly what to do and where to go. I will feel more confident. I will also make sure I bring someone with me for moral support and a buffer between me and him.
Meanwhile, I am hoping that he will be as intimidated as I was today and I will walk right by him as if he were a stranger, well he really is a stranger.
I had to stand before the judge and answer questions so more practice for the real thing.
I napped for 4 hours, it felt good, I was so wiped out. Feel so much more relaxed tonight, sad but calm.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Have you noticed that when you ask someone for help? The person who answers, validates us in our time of need. In some situations they actually go out of their way for us.
I'm glad Bruce helped you.
I agree with Kajem, calm is a good thing!
He asked me if I knew where he was. Yes, he is on vacation. Judge, "with who?"
I had to tell the truth, his sister. Now I wish I had said, "his girlfriend is here in CT."
He said he would give him a chance to show up. I wish I could have told him what he does with 2nd chances.
Oh well, I did pretty well, I spoke clearly and only leaked a little. I couldn't stop the tears, they just ran, I still maintained a steady voice. The court clerk walked over and handed me a tissue. Next time I will bring my own.
I will feel more in control for the real thing. Now I know the procedure. The judge also told me what documentation to bring next time in addition to what I had.
I am struggling, I don't want this to be my life and at the same time I would not go back to that old life for anything.
time and processing
I have a question for this group. STBXWW is taking DD8 to the forest that causes PTSD triggers (where she went with OM). She knows it does, and she's taking my kid.
Why are they cruel like that? Is she even thinking? Does she want me to react violently so she has something against me? I get the feeling she's really frustrated that I'm being straight-and-narrow and not exhibiting any of the outrageous behavior OM is prone to (suicide threats, drama, stupid behavior that causes him to need help constantly), and she's pushing and pushing and pushing. It's just torture for me, as I'm the "king of NC", but that doesn't mean I don't feel.
Today she sent some small items from the house (my coffee mugs), unprompted. She gave up the marital bed because "she couldn't sleep in it anymore". She never asked me. I don't know if I'd have taken it, but I felt like I should have been given the option, given it's marital property and my bed here still feels strange to me. So I broke NC. I said "Reminder: if it's mine, please don't destroy it or throw it away". She said she hadn't destroyed anything and she'd continue to respect my things, and that I should to the same. I answered that I had nothing of hers (I don't, that's why I moved out with nothing and bought all new crappy furniture to start a new life). She answered she didn't plan on having a bonfire (where did that come from?!?!?) and I told her I was just asking for the respect that I didn't get before. I think it was a bad idea to break NC but I thought because of her NPD I had to call out the lack of respect for my things and our shared things.
I hate this. I hate worrying about what she'll do with my stuff (but I don't want a stupid legal battle over material crap), and I hate having to fight over boundaries which should be clear to her.
Anyway, just venting. Thanks for listening. If you have any particular NPD insight, I'd love to hear it.
Is she even thinking? - not in the way you and I think, or even understand (as a way of "being"). They don't think so much as they respond. React. Their responses, based on reactions...hate, rage, and lust being the main ones...avarice, greed, jealousy...others. You already know.
Like a scratched record, these are entirely predictable reactions though, and we should take note - and use to our advantage.
Plan. Expect that she will use the knowledge that you care about something to hurt you with that very thing.
Triggers, normalcy, decency...these really mean nothing.
Power over you, and getting you to react mean everything.
They'll waste thousands of dollars in lawyer fees fighting over a damn candlestick.
It's POWER, not the candlestick.
As for your stuff - plan to lose it. Become indifferent. If you can storm the castle when she's not there to save THE most important things, do it. (Call me...I'll set off an explosion on the South Wall as a distraction)...
Anything normal - like recognition of boundaries will never be clear to her. Release that. Not your job.
Back up on the NC horse WellPlayed!
Such a vicious circle. They keep upping the ante. When they feel they have you in control, then they disengage and start to pull away. If you start to see behind the mask and start to try to be more in control of your life, they get mad and start pulling all kinds of things to get you back under their control.
I was trying to play along, acting like I was under his control and planning my escape route, but others in my family had enough and I couldn't explain why I felt this was going to work. DS18 had enough and left the house telling me he'd come back after WH went back overseas. But WH was so angry that he said that DS18 couldn't come back in the house unless I asked first. I told DS18 to apologize over the phone so I could continue "acting" like all was ok as I continued seeing a lawyer and getting things in order. DS 18 says that if he apologizes, WH wins.
I'm tired of this game. I wish I could be dealing with at least a semi-normal WH.
Gotplayed: My IC keeps saying to me that you can't reason with the unreasonable. I'm trying to keep that as my mantra, but it's so hard.
One thing I have read and found really interesting is the lack of emotional attachment to things that is common to these personality "types".
For instance no sentimental associations to places or objects that would evoke emotional responses in most.
stbxwh brought ow#1 to same restaurant as our first date, same movie theater. After when we were trying to R, or I was, he could not seem to understand why that would cause me pain.
Another thing I noticed was that I saved every card or note from him, my sons and from my mother. He saves nothing, tosses them in the trash like they have no meaning at all. Well, I guess because they don't to him.
Just wondering if it is just that lack in her, the inability to even realize what she is making you feel by her actions because she is incapable of feeling it herself.
I also pm'd you
Yes. And it appears to be great fun for them. But they also live for your reaction. So make sure if you have one, she never sees it, or knows about it.
They'll waste thousands of dollars in lawyer fees fighting over a damn candlestick.
It's POWER, not the candlestick.
YES! My NPDH literally spent thousands of $ trying to get things that were never "marital property". We lived in a "no-fault" state. And aparently all he heard and "chose" to understand from his lawyer was the part about property being split 50-50. He either didn't hear or chose not to hear to part about "equitable split" and how "Pre-marital" property is taken OUT of the equation and "marital debt" is paid off from the "marital assets" and THEN a distribution occurs.
He kept screaming in and out of court, "IT'S 50-50!!!! One time (in court) he yelled at the judge (because he wanted 1/2 my PRE-marital horse herd) and said, "NO!!! It's 50-50!! I get a pet and she gets a pet!!!"
......um....No Dumbfu&*k......That's not how this is going to go.
OR complete and total emotional and sentimental responses where most people would have little or none.
These muppet types are of the lowest alien form. FREAKY!
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
So she can go to the forest where it triggers me (possibly with OM) but I need to buy a pink special marker for her in my own place. Riiiiiight.
I am unpacking in my own space after having my stuff stored since September. I lived in the marital home for 10 years. He got all ( most) of his stuff in 2003. The only thing he has ever asked for was pictures. My answer has always been-when I get time. I'll never get enough time to go thru 12 boxes of pics.
Anyway, movers packed most of the stuff, and I am butt deep in clothes, some of which were his. Like the Aran knit sweater he asked my mom to get him on one of her trips to Ireland. Not that he wore it-we live in Florida! He had 3 of them, I am debating asking my DDs if they want them for their BF or give them to the homeless man at the grocery store who helps me when I need it. I've already decided he's getting XH's blankets from Boy Scouts, college, law school.
I needed the giggle tonight, I didn't want any more piles than Donate, Keep, Kids and Trash.
Anyway, I'll second the if it's valuable to you - they will find away to use it against you. The trick is to not let them know what you value.
I got a series of emails accusing me of throwing away:
A broken outdoor mini-table that I bought at the flea market several years ago for $20
Several of his hundreds of baseball hats
Two $9.99 fold-up stadium chairs
His "fake" lacrosse jacket from some made-up league. (I haven't seen this jacket for more than a decade.)
He copied the attorneys on these emails, and told the judge. Meanwhile, I kept wondering why he still keeps the vast majority of his belongings here in the marital home, 2.5 years after he's moved out.
Stupid me. It's because I asked him to remove it all!!!
Reading these posts, I can see I'm going to have a battle on my hands when he finally gets around to retrieving his stuff.
He can have just about all of it. To me, it's just things.
ps: He left behind an Irish fisherman's sweater too! Too small though; never fit. I gave it away - quietly of course!
NW throws away anything of his that's from before her time. She was tossing stuff of his (that he collected, things from deceased family members) that was before MY time. The last few times she did that, the kids rescued some things-it's back in my house. And I'm ok with it, they kept it in their rooms, right now it's probably in the last storage unit. The one I have yet to empty.
They get it when they're done with college and on their own. Till then, it's here.
I am not good at downsizing.
I had a bit of an advantage because I had him thrown out of the house via protection order. I was really trying to be fair *in the beginning* when he initially began demanding 1/2 of *OUR* stuff. He got a set of dishes, pots & pans, microwave, a kitchen mixer, sheets, THE BED. *THEY* had been in it. YUCK! Christmas decorations, towels, furniture, etc. I was careful to video tape and photograph every single thing he received too.
But of course, it wasn't the *right* microwave or the *right* kitchen mixer, or the *right* anything else.
You should have seen the look on the judges face when he complained about that!
Such an idiot!!
This is what I talk about when I tell you NOT TO WORRY if they talk during your hearing or during trial. They will be the BEST playing on YOUR team.
He was bound and determined to get my horses. The judge asked for *proof* of the true ownership of these animals. He asked XNPDH, "Don't these animals have registration papers or birth certificates or something?" XNPDH, "No, Your Honor, they do not. But I will provide other proof that they belong to me."
Me: (to myself) WTF???
Then the judge gave him SIX WEEKS to come up with his proof!!
Of course these horses had registration papers....in MY NAME. And they were born and registered to ME well before I ever knew that idiot. And I had those along with vet bills, feed bills, training bills, blacksmith bills, etc.
He showed up with ONE receipt for ONE bag of feed.
He fought for all the wedding gifts that were from MY family members. In other words, the NICE stuff. He didn't want any of the junk that his family gave us. Neither did I.
I had a full set of Waterford Crystal. Wine stems, Water stems, champagne flutes, etc. Years and years ago I had a boss who was from Ireland. And he went there several times a year to visit his mother who lived near the original Waterford factory. He would give out these stems to his team as awards and incentives. Over the years I worked for the company, I collected quite a nice set. Dumbass claimed that this set was an HEIRLOOM from HIS FAMILY!!!
By this time I was so disgusted with him, I was done trying to be fair. The *only* significant item "we" had purchased during the marriage was a very nice dining room set. I loved this set and had picked it out years before and agonized over making the purchase. And after receiving a nice bonus one year, I took the plunge and made the purchase. OF COURSE he wanted this too. In the beginning when I was still trying to be fair and didn't realize the full scope of his lies and cheating (OC) etc, I thought maybe he could take the table and chairs and I could keep the hutch. Then later repurchase another table and chairs. But after his over the top refusals to be reasonable with everything else, there was NO WAY I was going to give up my dining set.
So I decided the best thing to do was to *sell* the entire set and give him 1/2 the money. So that's what I did. And I gave him his $100.00. Then wouldn't you know? A few months after the divorce was final, that set just didn't work out for the buyer and I bought it back!!
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:10 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]
The biggest thing that shows my N's true colors is that he never asked for photos of the kids. Not once. Even post divorce he has never asked for any. What a dad!
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 11:38 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I think we just discovered a new chapter in the NPD handbook.
"Explaination of the 50-50 rule"
They are like dealing with an overgrown spilled brat. Can you imagine dividing property with "their" method? "HEY!! No fair! Her fork is bigger than mine!!!"
[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:58 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]
I am stuck trying to calculate everything I own because I fed it one time....
Obviously, I need to build an ark and a very large condo.
And every year after emptied one (or three) each time I took down Christmas decorations. I kept the empty boxes, just left them there-so when he stuck his head into the attic-he saw his boxes. He's never asked for his books!
^^^^ This made me laugh. I've sort of been doing that with his clothing, which is still hanging in the basement, 2.5 years later. Pants that will never fit him again, that sort of thing.
Sadtoo, I love the dining room furniture story.
Wounded, mine will probably ask for half too. I am not looking forward to the day he starts demanding all the artwork in this house. And the books! It's going to be a nightmare. I want one painting, and I want all the signed books that I purchased. He can have the rest.
I have another tidbit from Genius. I am desperate to sell this house and move in time for my children to start school in a good public school district. He knows this, so he refuses to let me sell the house.
But here's the bigger point: he wrote to my attorney and said if I buy a new house eventually, and IF I get "SOLE ACCESS TO MY OWN HOME," What will HE do?
He actually believes he will be able to waltz into my future homes!!!!!! After everything he's done to me. As recently as a few weeks ago, he went into my bedroom and went though my things and journal and took pictures of anything he thought might be incriminating. (Nothing was, but that didn't stop him from insinuating it was.)
After that, I did get the lock put on, though, thanks to the TRIBE. But now he thinks he can hang out in my homes for the rest of my life??????????????
If he asks, try a bit of gaslighting on him. What painting? Don't you remember we sold that five years ago? You bought golf clubs with part of the money. Or water damage forced you to dispose of one whole box of books. Get creative.... ONLY if it comes up. Otherwise, they are gone and they never existed.
You know he is not going to be rational about the division. You are not taking more than your share.
I am not surprised that he imagines you having your space as a huge inconvenience. All the more reason to have it!!
One day early on in negotiations, I was going on vacation (changed the locks before I left, thank God) I wasn't gone an hour and he had OW walking around peeking into doors and windows (I assume) picking out what pieces she wanted for their lurv nest. He emailed me a list. After I was nice enough to give him a warning the police were on there way.
He wanted to split up our new living room set, a sofa and loveseat. He kept asking me which one would be his, I kept telling him pick a side. This went on for several weeks. He finally got me mad enough one day while asking that I told him " since we bought that set with money from the mortgage buyout AND in this divorce I'm keeping the house, taking over the mortgage and buying you out! I'll be damned if I will be paying on anything for 30 years she gets to put her ass on! I'll take a chain saw to it first! Now which half would you like?" He never asked again. maybe he's not as dumb as I give him credit for.