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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. Probably my iPhone. I was on that phone both times in my house. Once in my children's room and once in the basement. So I'm thinking it's the phone.

Yes, the phone. As usual, my brain is taking a little time to catch up to the lunacy. I wouldn't think anything of it if my very-grounded attorney wasn't worried.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut is that it is the house that is bugged. He has access to the house. The devices that can be used are cheap I think. It would be very very easy to place a few devices in every room even!

It seems harder to me to get an app on your phone without you knowing or finding it. I can see that there are apps that will eavesdrop... but has he had ACCESS to the iphone?

Go upgrade your phone. If you are willing to extend the contract you should be able to do that for very little money.

One thing that does come to mind is that knowledge is power. Knowing that he can hear what you say in the house, I would give all kinds of false information. The kind that could help you by leading him in a direction you need him to go.

Finding the devices and removing them loses you the advantage and as long as he has access to the home, he can replace them.

Believe me, I am not surprised. I don't doubt it. I just hope that there is some way to use this in your favor.

Can you play a heated love scene that uses your name? Can you call bff and talk about some obscure law that your L found that is going to guarantee your case? Maybe he will spend time looking for it, like a snipe hunt.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5769 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I can't get past the insanity. But yes, I just came to the same conclusion - the house. I googled everything I could about iPhones, and I'm pretty sure there is no way he ever got his hands on my cellphone.

So now I google how you find a bug in your home. I hope to god this is one huge coincidence because I talk daily on the phone about STBX, the case, and legal strategy. As well as say some really bad things about STBX and SA OW.

Unbelievable.

The hot and heavy scene made me laugh though. That would be something.

This is the same man who just accused me again last week of using a key logger on his computer in 2011. Who has sent half a dozen legal motions to two judges trying to put me in jail for it. First of all, I did not get my info from a key logger. He gave me the password to his secret account because he thought he had closed it down. He KNOWS this. Also, he is the same man who broke into our home five months after the S, opened my computer, and forwarded himself emails from my account to his. And he is the man who as early as two weeks ago has gotten into my bedroom, gone through all my drawers and private papers and journals, and took photos of it and sent it to the judge trying to maintain that my personal notes are somehow incriminating!!!! (They very clearly are not.)

I did get the lock on my door though. I'm wondering if that's why he might have done something even more drastic.

I think his behavior is escalating.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not waste time looking for the bugs. I would assume they are there. Go outside for any conversations in the future.

Improvements in technology could make them nearly impossible to find.

Now you have one more reason to be happy to move!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5769 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Caregiver. Well, hopefully spring is coming and I can speak outside.

I wonder now about the car, too. Insanity.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I remember, you share a car? DEFINITELY the car. Ugh. I am sorry. I can imagine it feels like another betrayal. It is what life post divorce has to offer.... peace and freedom from all of that!

(((hugs))) Knowledge is power. You are powerful!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5769 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought my dad was NPD (and maybe he is) but I'm seeing a better fit in paranoid personality disorder. Maybe even paranoid schizophrenia, but I have no proof of hallucinations. Whatever it was, it was pretty strong. As my memories of him clear, I see him more as a decent person tormented by paranoia and fear and less as a narcissistic asshole, but.. ...... yeah, who knows. My memories are still incomplete.

Also, XWW seems to fit borderline personality disorder better, but again I'm not sure. I guess what matters is that I'm learning about some common dysfunctional patterns. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 807 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a little court thing this morning. It was a scheduling conference. I had to sit in the same little room as STBX and go through dates and that was it.

I looked at him. I usually don't when we exchange DD. He looks like shit. Like, real rough. Like, whoa.

However, I looked good.

I hung back as everyone was leaving to give him and his lawyer a head start (limit the chance of a accidental intersection). As I was walking out, I could see him largely gesticulating to his lawyer. Oh, lord. What on earth was he telling him... I suppose I will find out soon enough.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose I will find out soon enough.

Try not to worry about it till you have to. I know easier said than done.

It amazes me how I can walk right pet XH and not recognize him. I've done it twice, one time, I kept looking at him telling myself " I know I know him but from where, and who is he?" Then as dd4 started talking to him " how does he know my kid!"

I didn't feel too bad when the older 2 DD's walked past him without saying a word to him.

It was surreal


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how I can walk right pet XH and not recognize him. I've done it twice, one time, I kept looking at him telling myself " I know I know him but from where, and who is he?" Then as dd4 started talking to him " how does he know my kid!"

Oh my goodness. I have done the same thing.

First, he is unrecognizable. He looks that bad.

Second, my mind has done something funny, and I can't really remember what he looked like exactly. I found an old passport photo of his from college, and I thought absentmindedly, "Oh, that guy looks like trouble." It was a split second - and then I realized who it was.

LittleFoggy, I bet you did look good! And [nearly] free and happy.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Oct 2011
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a court date on Thursday 3/20 for sole use of house and temporary support. These papers were served to wh along with divorce papers.

I got the letter informing me of the date just this week. I called the court to find out procedures for this. wh is out of state, flying home on 3/22. The clerk looked up the case and told me he has not responded. He probably didn't even read the paperwork.

She told me that I was responsible for notifying him of court date. If I had a lawyer, he would handle this.

I sent an email, brief and to the point, date and time. He responded, "will be home on the 22nd".

Clerk also told me to bring bank records, copy of email I sent, my financials, anything that might help me.

I could not have planned this if I tried! I so hope judge will rule on this. I have nothing to lose. If he rules on it I will have one less interaction with him.

I so hope he rules on it on Thursday.

Just having to email him yesterday made me feel so anxious.

NC is helping me. It is not easy but I am beginning to see the result in me and that makes it easier.

I think once the divorce is final I will start to feel a little better.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

I'll be praying for the best possible outcome for you.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he emailed, "what do you think I should do?"

Oh My God!!! What I could reply to that!

I have been making myself laugh all day with what I would like to reply.

I have not though, but oh the things I have been thinking...


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm giggling with some of my own responses.

And he isn't related to me!

" I don't know, what do you want to do?" Like the buzzards in the movie Jungle Book.

NOW you want my opinion on what you should do?

Fluck yourself

Nothing, you should do absolutely nothing.

I'll handle it for you-like I always have.

Some other tribe members will have much better responses. I'm looking forward to reading them.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is in Florida...

Go swim with the sharks?
Cut off your d**k?
Ask your girlfriend.
Disappear.
Stay there, forever.
Get a tattoo, on your forehead, DANGER!!! with a skull and crossbones.
Now, you want my opinon???

Are you just plain stupid???

A host of other, not as kind, thoughts went through my head.

But, NC, NC, NC!


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's in the panhandle, they've got tornado warnings. I can wish him a ride over the rainbow like Dorothy!

XH sent me an email once that accused me of controlling the hurricanes ( cc'd the courts also) I can try tornadoes.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No tornados, unless you have precise control!!!

My sister in law and mother in law are there. He drove her car down from CT for her.

SIL is texting me for info on NPD now. She is really struggling with him there. She said he is being so cocky and smug and arrogant.

She really has been so supportive of me through all of this, even before.

She is going to warn me if he changes his plans and comes home early so I can have someone come to court with me if he will be there.

I just blocked the email again. There was one more, "Again!!! I ask you are you retaining an attorney???"

Crickets. They are chirping louder every day.

Pretty soon I won't hear his voice at all.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not precise control-no STBXH sucking tornadoes being created by me.

XSIL is still my BFF much to the chagrin of XH/NW. He thinks the ONLY thing we talk about is him! She is a single mom to 2kids, I'm a single mom to 4 kids, and we ONLY have him to discuss.

Yeah right!

Crickets.. ...... What crickets? I don't hear any crickets!

You've got this Can!

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:12 AM, March 16th (Sunday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I read about this disorder, this way of life the more real it becomes. I stop doubting myself, me interpretation.

The more I understand why I stayed, why I could not see what was happening until I got out.

I understand so much better now.

He has said that he never felt loved by me.

Of course not! I didn't love him, I didn't know him. I loved who he was pretending to be in the beginning and trying so hard to win him back.

He didn't feel loved because on some level he know that he is pretending, he knows what he is on the inside.

Now, he is hunting, hunting for a new source. He will pretend to be a "good" person for a while, but he will never feel loved because they will love the pretend person and he knows this.

I think that if I had rugswept this could have gone on much longer. I refused to. I demanded, insisted that I wanted it real, I wanted all or nothing. That terrified him. He could not bear the fact that I was seeing who he really was. His tactics were not working, I did not back down from his rage or fall for his manipulations, avoidance or promises with no follow through.

He could not bear my new found strength.

Funny but I always believed he was the strong one. Now I know who is really strong.

I am starting to feel proud of myself for surviving this and choosing to live a better life, paying attention and working on changing myself.

I don't think I have ever felt so capable before. NC really is the key. When you start it, ughh, it feels like the most counterintuitive action, it hurts, you ache for that comfort from your spouse but you have to remember, over and over, it only brings more pain.

I am starting to feel relief. Just starting but in some way NC feels empowering. Like I am taking control of my life.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has said that he never felt loved by me.

Of course not! I didn't love him, I didn't know him. I loved who he was pretending to be in the beginning and trying so hard to win him back.

He didn't feel loved because on some level he know that he is pretending, he knows what he is on the inside.

Now, he is hunting, hunting for a new source. He will pretend to be a "good" person for a while, but he will never feel loved because they will love the pretend person and he knows this.

Can: Thank you for sharing this. It really hit me as true! My WH has often said he didn't feel loved by me, although I felt like I loved him with all my heart and did everything I could for him. It's a hard realization for us to finally realize that the person we thought we were in love with didn't really exist. I used to wonder why my WH made such a big deal that he was being nice or loving and "no husband treats their wife the way I treat you" meaning giving me compliments, ACTING loving, or being affectionate. I used to wonder why he thought this was a big deal when it seemed normal and natural to me to be nice or good to your spouse. Now, it's really starting to click.

When you start it, ughh, it feels like the most counterintuitive action, it hurts, you ache for that comfort from your spouse but you have to remember, over and over, it only brings more pain.

Oh yes!! I was putting up with so much pain just to get some comfort or love, but it got down to crumbs. Talk about being emotionally abused! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the court. Hang in there Can!

XH sent me an email once that accused me of controlling the hurricanes ( cc'd the courts also) I can try tornadoes.

Kajem: This really made me chuckle!! WH is always looking at his phone, either talking, texting, or playing a game. The kids have said something about this and so has his cousin. WH's reponse was that they were only saying that because I said something to them. I told WH that I should feel complimented that he thought I had that much power over people! I also told him that if it's obvious that it's sunny out, do people only notice this because I said something about it?


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