D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
You have had grief piled on grief. Losing your dear sister is enough, but then to find that your husband and she had kept a secret for years is so awful in the midst of grieving. I am so sorry.
Addiction is evil. It truly is a sickness and one that is very difficult to live with. (Its never cured). Know that NOTHING you could have done would have saved her. Please don't blame yourself with "if only I gads..." You were not responsible for the choices she made in her life including to not go to the doctor when she was sick. Someday, when you feel up to it, joining a Naranon group may help you to sort that part out. You will learn there that we only have control over our own lives, none else's. We are not responsible for other peoples choices, only our own.
When my brother and nephew were killed by a drunk driver, I went to hospice grief counseling. It was so helpful. Being able to talk about my feelings of loss and learning that my reactions were normal helped me a lot. You love and miss your sister. You need to be free to grieve your loss (and you have a niece to help through hers. I hope you can find a hospice close to you. They didn't charge for grief counseling. I don't know if they are all like that but it might help to be able to go and focus on your loss right now.
My heart goes out to you. Your plate is overwhelming and I do hope you can find someone trustworthy to walk this dark path with you.
I have no words
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
Your WS just lied right to your face, not surprising as he has lied about this the whole time. Sadly I bet he was hoping it was never going to come out now that she had passed away. Did he know you were reading thru all of her old emails and texts for the last few months? Man, just trying to wrap my head around this one....it never seems to amaze me how dark and deep these things go.
Mere words here can't convey how my heart hurts for you . . .such a double betrayal to endure.
Instead of lying to you WH should step up and be there for you, with support and honesty.
[This message edited by shiloe at 9:02 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]
I would take the cash and go back to IC. Hugs.
Eventually you will read all of the emails. When you are ready. More Hugs.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Chicky, No, there is no way possible WH is the father. There was a DNA test done when she was a year old. I have seen with my own eyes the results, and thank God I did. I actually told my friend, I am SO glad that there was a test done and I saw the results, because if there hadn't been or say I never actually saw the paperwork, after reading the email I would have, like you said, thought he was her father. And THAT would have sent me over the edge. I would probably be in jail.
I re-read my other posts, my goodness I was a mess. I know there is nobody that can tell me what to do, but the support and confirmation helps so much. I told my Aunt about the emails and she said maybe I needed to read that for closure. Closure?!? I didn't have any f***ing idea this even happened!!! Her statement was so odd to me, i actually thought....did she know? Maybe that is my paranoia talking but I just dont see how anyone can see this as closure.
I know I will be ok. I also know that I will never understand why this happened, because I can't talk to my sister. That is kind of where I am stuck. WH has tried to talk to, last night. I stopped him and said NO I am not ready, he said I dont know what you read I interrupted him and told him it doesn't matter I am refusing to have this conversation with you right now he just looked at me and said im sorry. I calmly told him, You will never in your life know the pain of losing my sister the pain of seeing her lifeless body in her apartment and being told to say my last goodbye, watching my little sister run unable to catch her breath because she could see the tube down our sister throat, or seeing my mom sobbing at her funeral or helping my oldest niece through an asthma attack when they brought her mom's ashes home...you wont know that pain ever and while still trying to process those things plus a million others, knowing that while you have seen me crying in the middle of the night and you trying to console me, you were probably feeling a sense of relief that I would now never find out what happened...so don't ever tell me you are sorry because you are not you are sorry I found out not for the pain you have caused. During that time he just starred at me with a look as if I was entirely right. I walked out of the room.
That's what he felt is relief. When she passed. I know he did. And that f***ing kills me. Because I would do anything to have her back with or without knowing about the affair.
I hate him. This is a horrible horrible thought but as i was telling him that, seeing his face all i could think of is I wish he would have died and not her. How terrible is that? Ugh
So, this is what I have been thinking about. Since I will never know her side, and there is always 3 sides to a story, his hers and the truth. I truly believe that. Basically he can tell me whatever he wants. So why should I even let him? Yes he could possibly tell me the truth but I know as do all of you cheaters lie. Period.
I called the women I was seeing for therapy and left a message. Hopefully she will call me back asap. I left the message yesterday afternoon. I have to talk to her, I dont even care how much it costs. She knows me and also knows of my whole family from me talking about them in the past.
Thank you all for listening to me. It is terrible having to keep this inside. I can't tell my mom, I think she would get mad at me. She probably wouldn't believe my sister would do that. I understand that.
I was thinking about having my friend log into her email and read the other ones. Just to let me know if there is anything in there that I should not read. I am afraid it's possible my sister talked bad about me. I dont want to know that. Does that sound like a good idea? Or should I just leave those other emails alone altogether?
As to your friend reading the emails, well, that all depends on how much you trust her with the information. You should also consider how many people you want to know. May not seem important now, but I sometimes wish I hadn't told as many people as I did. In the beginning I was so livid I told anyone who would listen. Now that he has done the work and we are happily reconciled, I on occasion regret that I told. But for me the past can't be changes so I don't focus on that.
Focus on you and what YOU need to help you work through this and heal, if you can.
And you need to save them.
Your WS is an ass.
My only advice to you right now is to take time to yourself. It was hard enough on you that your husband had an A. It was hard enough on you that your sister passed away. And now, the two of them together? You are so strong to be handling this the way you are. Please make sure you stay healthy and take care of yourself. Take all the time you need to cope with this revelation.
D-Day, June 10, 2012