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Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Unsure of what to do
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After DD on Saturday I was approaching my situation as this was a deal breaker and told WH I did not think we should stay together. We have had a couple conversations since then and I told him that I think he really needs to be in IC (he didn't do this last time) since his reasons this time are the same as lay time. He seems to be open to this and that makes me hopeful that we could possibly still R.
My issue is he will not disclose the name of his AP nor how long it has been going on and I have not asked if he continues to speak with her. That is a deal breaker for me and I'm not sure if I should tell him since we are proceeding as our marriage is over.

I know I don't owe him ANYTHING but I feel compelled to let him know this. Should I?


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 299 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like a deal breaker to me the way you drew the line in the sand. You could just file and get the process underway, let him get served, then see if him holding back the truth is way more important than saving a marriage.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he's protecting her. Why would he do this? Why is she more important than fixing your marriage?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a very reasonable deal breaker! Go NC, get your ducks in a row to file, and maybe that will wake him up to needing to divulge/IC.

I'm so sorry he has out you here.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Playas play.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
childofcheater
♀ Member
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say this but they usually try to avoid telling who the AP is when their spouse knows the person. (((lilacs40)))


Me: 36 yo, him 35
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD9, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I did end up telling him and he said that it was something that he didn't know he would be willing to do. I said well until you know I will proceed as if you won't. So it looks like separation for us.

A friend asked me if I thought it could be someone I knew and I said I wasn't sure. While I think that's is a possibility the last time I only knew who because found the emails. He would not give up any contact info so I could inform the other BS.

It's killing me not only not knowing who but that it could possibly be someone I know.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 299 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either you may already know who this OW, or they both are afraid you will her SO, or both.
To me, separation just gives waywards time to do damage control.

To me, serving the D papers us like blasting a fog horn. Wake them up! Kick them off the fence!


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe that he is trying to protect the AP. You could do some deep digging and find out yourself. You need to out this person for many reasons. Simply checking the cell phone bill would give you a big head start.

Sorry your here and sorry that you are hurting. If you choose to end it you still need to be informed. It could be a "close" friend of yours and you'd be oblivious to it.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put a VAR in his car. You will find out who real quick. I suggest you file. He has no respect for you- I am so sorry!


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2013
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not revealing who the AP is would be a total deal breaker for me. You probably do know her, you don't deserve any of this.

If the AP is more important than you then do something drastic, such as file for D. IMO you need to do that for your own self respect and healing, right now he is not wanting to play ball in any sort of R. Complete transparency and full disclosure or nothing.

I am so sorry for you (((hug))).
Stay strong, you are the one in control.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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