Those who had a parent die when they were a child?
My FWW is one and is receiving counselling. SHe can't really talk to me about it, so I was looking for anyone who has also experienced it.
DDay: Christmas Time 2012
In Home separation for a year, S for 3 months.now back together and healing
She has childhood issues that she only began to address after the affair.
R'ing going very well
I will need to get involved in some of the games to get my postings up, but I'll try to hit you in the PM side of things. Once I hit 51, I will get in touch
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
I hope your FWW can find the help and support she needs.
She's been having a ton of issues in the last couple of years and it led to her A. I know, not an excuse, but it's a long story.
So maybe first question, while you never get over it, would you say its continuously on your mind many years later?
Years of therapy with a skilled, specialized IC have helped more than I can say.
He still has thoughts, triggers you could call them, but now has the tools to cope with them in a healthy way.
There's a lot of good resources in this area with support groups, therapies and such. I hope she finds some peace with this.
I used to have a lot of dreams where my dad was still alive, and they weren't good dreams. Not nightmares about the suicide part of it, but it was clear I was working through a lot of emotions in the dreams. The stress from having those dreams would stay with me for at least a few days afterwards, too.
I was really angry at my dad for a very long time, and very resentful. Like, decades long. I didn't actually forgive him until several years ago, which was about 30 years after he died. I had horrible feelings of guilt in the beginning, because I didn't get along with my dad, and I thought a lot about how much easier my life would be if he were just...gone. I didn't want him dead, but as a selfish, know-it-all 16 year old, I didn't want to deal with him as a parental unit.
At some point, within several years of his suicide, I got to where I could very dispassionately talk about my dad and how he died. Even now, I forget how awful it sounds to someone who hasn't heard the story yet, and I'm usually surprised by the look of horror on their faces. It's definitely a coping mechanism on my part. I find myself talking about the end of my marriage the same way now.
I can't speak as to it leading to infidelity, because for me it went in the opposite direction. My dad had cheated on my mom, and then confessed several months before he killed himself. I don't know how much the cheating played a part in his decision to suicide, but it taught me that infidelity is a dealbreaker, and that suicide was not anything I'd ever inflict on anyone I loved.
Suicide by a parent is considered to be an abandonment and causes a lot of issues. It's good your FWW is in counseling.
What's hard for me is she doesn't like to talk about her IC (which I respect) or her own emotions and thoughts surrounding this.
DO you feel it's important for her to be able to express her thoughts or should I support her, but it's a solitary journey?
It's not a parent and your wife certainly may have different thoughts than I do, but it may give you insight into the trauma.
When I got home I found that he had shot himself in the head in my parents' bedroom.
I don't know if I didn't know or didn't want to know what I was seeing but I went to a neighbor and told her my dad was asleep and wouldn't wake up. The rest is history.
I never received any counseling or treatment.
It doesn't seem to affect me in any real day to day way except I realize now--particularly after my XWS' affair--that I have abandonment issues and some emotional unavailability issues as well.
I have always had sort of a suck it up and deal with it attitude--refusing to let his weaknesses, sickness, and selfishness define me. In fact, I've never really ever been angry about what he did; though, I know it was a horrible thing to do--something I couldn't fathom doing to my children. But he was very broken and apparently really wanted out.
Who knows if I'm fucked up or not. Lots of people have tried to tell me how devastating it had to have been to me but I never really felt devastated. My mom was my rock. My dad couldn't cut it. It is just the way it is.
Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923
"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne
My FWH's father committed suicide when he was a teenager. Not sure how old he was at the time because he never talks about it. It would have been more than 40 years ago and was before we met.
Throughout our M he has occasionally said`things like "Mum can be a real bitch at times".
Interestingly, he has always been inclined to go out of his way to please her.
Reading this today I wondered for the first time if all this crap is related to his LTAs.
The other weird thing is that when I first saw pics of OW3 the very first comment I made was "She looks just like your mother!!!" I was actually sickened.
The more I think about it the more I wonder if some of this crap is related to the infidelity.
He had 2 IC appointments after dday and came home after the second one saying the therapist said he was OK and didn't need to see her again.
Thanks for the food for thought.