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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First time
Foster
♂ New Member
Member # 42446
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday I found out my wife of 12 years rekindled a relationship with an old flame. She has been corresponding with him for months in a very explicit way discussing all the things they planned to do to each other. I even found out that while she was with me in foreplay, she was emailing him to describe what was going on, what she was doing and wearing. I have the emails. They took turns making fun of me. They made two plans to meet, which she swears never happened (he's 500 miles away, so I guess that true, but she travels all week every other week around the nation).

I'm totally lost. I guess thats an affair? I guess thats cheating? she tried to claim it was just foreplay for us (that she needed it). She also tried to initially say this was who she is and that I need to accept. When I confronted her with the emails, she began saying she understands it was wrong.

I'm lost.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here also, but this my opinion. Whether the WS is having an emotional affair or a physical one, they are both the same. They both hide in secrecy and thrive in the dark.

What I have learned is that the next part of your life will be a roller coaster of emotions. Take care of yourself, try to heal yourself, and don't feel like you have to make any decisions anytime soon.

What bothers me the most is that they took turns making fun of you, know that you do not deserve that, it is cruel.

I am sorry that you find yourself on here, but also glad that you found it, it has already helped me so much. Check out the healing library, for me the more I read and understand the better I feel.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this counts as an affair. It could be 'just' an EA (emotional affair), or they might have had a chance to consummate to a PA (physical affair), but both are betrayals.

Your wife doesn't sound remorseful from what you say. Justifying bad behavior and blaming the BP (betrayed partner) is so common and absolutely unfair.

So you know: Maybe she's right that this is who she is, and she can't change or isn't willing to do the work to fix what's broken in her that she needs this inappropriate outlet. But that does NOT mean that you 'need to accept' her behavior. She has crossed major boundaries, and there should be consequences. You decide what those are. You are in control here. You can decide to refuse to go along with her attempt to cake-eat, and take control.

If her old flame is married, you might do well to contact his wife too. Exposure will work in your favor in the long run.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. That's an affair. My fWW never actually met her AP, but the pain is just the same. What your WW shared with him is something that should have been reserved only for you. The lies kill marriages more that anything.

I'm sorry, but since your WW travels a lot there is every reason to believe she had or made an opportunity to meet him. Its amazing how the manage to find the time to pursue the A.

There are two constants in these things:

1. Cheaters lie. Every time.

2. The initial revelation is always downplayed. Be assured there is more to her story that what she's told you.

I'm sorry your here, but in your situation, this is the place to be. Keep posting. Let us know what's happening, and we'll try to help you through it.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:35 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Foster. Very sorry that you are here. Yes, that constitutes and affair/cheating. Welcome to SI. Take a look in the Healing Library in the upper left corner. There will be lots of useful information for you there. You will have a lot of abbreviations and terms thrown at you that you can find in the healing library. Take a look at the "180" and decide if it's something you may want to implement for yourself. I'm going to bump up a few threads in this section that have a target next to them. Take a look at those. Also, you are going to hear the terms gaslighting and blame shifting as that is what she is doing to you. You can find them in the BSFAQ section of the healing library. Hold on tight Foster. You are in for a horrible roller coaster ride. The good news is that you have 42000+ new best friends to help guide you through this sh!t.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its likely she met him since she travels a lot, so you may be dealing with a PA as well. The worst thing is the lack of respect; making derisive jokes at your expense and showing no loyalty.

She wants her convenient, secure marriage for stability, but doesn't value you one iota. This lady is ripe for an affair and the next candidate won't live 500 miles away. Time for you to make some hard decisions about your future with your wife.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, do you have any more details to help get us more of a picture of what you are dealing with? Kids? Has she ever show this type of behavior before? Most importantly what has her behavior towards you been like these past few months?

No way do you need to accept this. Is she showing any type for remorse since she "understands it was wrong"? She probably has no idea of the damage that she has done to you.

I can almost guarantee you don't know all the details of what she has been up to yet either.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also, just found this thread which is other SI members recounting the mistakes they wish they hadn't made right after they found out. May be good for you to read this one too:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=522693


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you're here, Foster.

STRONGLY recommend checking out the betrayed spouse FAQ at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp , the wayward spouse FAQ at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp , and the book, 'Not "Just Friends"'. They will help you make a small amount of sense of the madness. Keep posting! We're with you.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foster,
You still here?
We get so many one-post-posters here on SI and although the advice above is all good and relevant then there is a lot more that can be said and done. Please answer some of the issues mentioned above.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Foster
♂ New Member
Member # 42446
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. I just don't have anything to say. Just sad. I have three young kids under 9.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foster:

Listen to the above people, they know what they are talking about. I was in your same shoes last year when my WW had an A. I feel for you dude.

Basic plan to get your wife back is:
1) Gather info
2) Expose
3) Confront
4) Get D papers ready (does'nt necessarily mean you divorce, but be ready to show her for shock value).

Have you done any of the above? Please keep posting and we can help.

So sorry you are here. Things will get better, I promise.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there Foster. Glad to see you are still with us. I know I hit you with a lot of reading material above and I didn't mean to overwhelm you if that's what happened. Take your time with that stuff.

Let's back up a bit. I know you are hurting and are sad beyond belief. Your heart and your brain are lying on the floor. So lets first get you up off the floor. There are 42000+ of us that aren't going anywhere and we hope you don't either.

One thing that helped me, even if just a little, through a very dark time in my life is I said out loud to myself "I'm going to be alright". I want you to do the same. You might not be able to see it, but you are going to be alright. We'll worry about the rest of the questions as they come and your situation develops.

Can you answer how you feel right now? You are going to have so many emotions on this roller coaster of shyte that you did not want to get on. No one here did. We want you to know that you are not alone. Everyone's situation is different here in one way or another, but no one's problem's or pain are greater than anyone else's here. We all feel it.

What can we do to help you pick yourself up off the floor? You may not even be able to type or even comprehend what's going on. So where is your head at right now? What is your greatest fear right this minute?

The more we can help you, the more you will be able to help your family and those 3 kiddos of yours. We're here Foster.

yop.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are going to survive this, and things will get better.

I heard those words from many good people - here at SI, and IRL - and at first, while grateful, I found them hard to believe.

But it's true, and you'll be alright. In retrospect, I'm a better person for it.

You'll be strong for your children - always consider them first, and protect them from hurtful things they won't need to know at this stage - even if she doesn't.

But don't neglect yourself...and as a codependent schmuck for most of my life, I was so used to "fixing" things for her that I delayed my own healing trying to do just that, for her, and it only made things worse for awhile, until I let go.

She'll either come around or she won't - but you'll survive, and this will get better.

[This message edited by jagged at 11:32 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
victory
♂ Member
Member # 31088
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foster,

I am too the father of three young kids that eventually had to go thru a divorce. Honestly, it was quite confrontational at times and the kids got to see one very ugly argument between us. I truly regret that ll happening.

First, let me tell you that kids are resilient and while my oldest still sometime says she wishes we were still all together, they have adjusted well to divorce and the back and forth it involves. Your kids, if it comes to divorce will be healthier growing up in two homes where both parents are happy.

As for your wife, her excuse is BS. Is it foreplay for her to make fun of you. It touches a nerve for me, as my Ex and the AP did the same, talking bad about me behind my back. It's very hurtful and ego crushing.

An EA is an affair just as bad as a PA. Plus, you think unchecked that this EA wouldn't have led to something more, given the opportunity? If not with this guy, then someone else down the line? It's slippery slope.

Read the articles on this site and listen to everyone here. It'll help save your sanity and get you to a mentally healthier position in your life. If you want to save your marriage, which I'm sure you do, then give it everything you have. Just know that she needs to have the same commitment. It'll be hard to rebuild a trust that you spent so many years building, but it can be done. But only through complete honest, transparency and understanding.

I want to let you know that you are not alone in all this. Take care of yourself and your kids.


Dday- 1-26-11 (7 month PA)
BH (me)-41
WW- 37
3 little kids (6-8-10)
married 11 yrs, together 17
Divorced summer 2012 (I think)
I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY GIRLS!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: Feb 2011
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foster, would she be okay if you had foreplay like that with an old flame of yours?

She has to own her shit.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the emails. They took turns making fun of me. They made two plans to meet, which she swears never happened

Just wanted to tell you, same thing you described here happened to me. In those emails my WW even suggested that they get me and his BW together and just laughed and piled on with one sick suggestion after another.

We have all been there with our own versions and sordid details. What's common is the script they follow. Just know that nothing you did caused her to cheat. She owns that shit 100%.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 558 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foster,

Good to see you are here.

First thing first: IMHO the only way to deal with infidelity is with the truth.
What that means in your situation is that you need to be certain if they have met or not. You need to know the extent of the affair (and make no mistake – this IS an affair).

Bad thing is that your WW words are not dependable. So her claim that they haven’t met yet isn’t enough. She needs to assure you that it never happened. Look – if she travels then there are records of those travels. Get to see credit-card overviews, expense reports, hotel bills… Compare that to her itinerary so you can see that there is nothing being hidden.
OK – so OM might have made a journey to meet her at some hotel. But then – he could also have dropped off in your city for a quick romp with WW. Fact is that if they wanted to meet and had the time to meet they would and could have met. At some point you need to draw a line and say that the evidence you have is enough to move on.

It’s very important IMHO that you get the message across that the absolute worst reaction from her is lying or hiding. Sometimes it can be good to offer an amnesty; a chance to tell all without an instant angry reaction. A promise that no matter what she tells you then as long as its truth then it won’t have any dire consequences until you have given it all good thought.

If you have doubts then don’t hesitate to look into a polygraph. Yours wouldn’t be the first case where the truth comes out in the car park before entering the examination room. What you need to do is reach a place where YOU are comfortable that you know the true scope of their affair.

OK – So that’s how you start grasping the scope of the affair.

Then there is how to stop it.
Her not contacting OM isn’t enough.
Her not contacting OM and not doing anything else… that’s like a kleptomaniac not shoplifting without trying to realize why he has this urge. She might be able to hold back for a while but inevitably she will go down this road again.
So not contacting OM is a first step, but it’s only one on a long journey.

IMHO a key moment in recovery is when the WS realizes that nothing is forcing them to be in a marriage. That happens when YOU – the BS – realize that not being married to this person is not the worst outcome. That happens when YOU make the BS decide to work towards R.

Look – your wife made fun of you and showed you utter disrespect. Assuming she’s telling the truth then she flirted with another man, she maintains she needs outside stimulation to feel sexually attracted to you, she hid things from you, she destroyed any reason you have to trust her… She took A LOT out of the marriage.
Right now I guess you are thinking “I can’t rock the boat too hard or else I will lose her”.
Buddy… losing her is NOT the worst outcome.
Holding her in your arms a year from now KNOWING or even thinking she would want someone else arms around her… THAT is the worst outcome.
Remaining in infidelity… that’s the worst outcome.
Selling yourself short… that’s the worst outcome.

I suggest a very frank and open conversation with your wife. Something like:
“Honey. I love you and there is nearly nothing I want more than to save our marriage. But I won’t compromise on what a marriage should be. I won’t share you with another man. I won’t be with you if I can’t have your respect. It isn’t a marriage of two equal partners if you honestly feel a need to make fun of me with another man. It’s not working if you need to fantasize about someone else to feel attracted to me. So until and unless you tell me in a very clear and understandable way that you want a marriage with me where we are both equals and can have each other’s respect, a marriage where we abide within the expected behaviors of a monogamous marriage… well.. I will assume you don’t want this marriage.
You are free to do whatever you want. You can carry on with OM. You don’t have to hide if you want to go see him. You can openly date him or any other man you want. But NOT AS MY WIFE.
Yes – that does mean we end this marriage but then – while you are not committed to being married then divorce is basically only a technicality.
So once again: Until and unless you let me know you want this marriage and are willing to commit to the work of recovery… I’m simply assuming it’s over and will act accordingly”.

There isn’t any need to go right away and talk to a lawyer (although knowing your rights is always a good idea) nor to file or move out ASAP. Simply do a strict 180 until your wife either tells you directly she wants the marriage OR she tells you or shows she doesn’t.

The key to this advice is to remove all excuses. Your wife needs to realize that she wants the marriage. That she has no excuses to remain in the marriage other than the only good excuse: She wants it. That she can’t claim to remain married because of the children, because she can’t afford to be single, that she doesn’t want to hurt you or whatever.
It’s also key that she is very clear when she says she wants the marriage. It’s not good enough that she says “ok” or “I guess so…”. She has to be very clear.

A key point in my suggested methodology is communications. By opening up like this you are making your stance extremely clear to your wife and her response has to be extremely clear. Communications is the key to a successful marriage.

Finally – Chances are your WW accepts that what she did is wrong but might not see this as “infidelity” per se. Get the book “Not Just Friends” by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. This is the woman that defined the phrase Emotional Affair. Her book has saved more marriages than it has pages. You two read this book together and do the exercises in it.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
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