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Newest Member: Hurtingnnc (44284)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How can I heal when he keeps hurting me?
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Sad  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I've been lurking since October but finally felt the need to get some wisdom on my own situation. Sorry it's long. In October my Wbf of 3 years said he was going to meet some friends and I didn't think anything of it. The next day we were going out and I was waiting in his car. We are neighbors and I have access to his house, car, email (well not fb he changed it now I know why)etc. Something told me to check his phone. I saw a message from a girl in our social group saying thanks for dinner last night, I really needed it. I was sick to my stomach and hands shaking but I had the presence of mind to take pictures of these texts. Turns out that they had been planning this dinner all week and he made plans to take her that following week to the same restaurant we had our first date.

I didn't hesitate and went into his house and confronted him. He at first denied and told me a story about how he went to meet friends, then she called and he met her (and her boyfriend)at the restaurant. The texts show him picking her up at her house and no one else. When I asked him to get his phone, he went outside and got it, but spent a little too much time coming in. When he showed me the phone,there were no texts from her at all, he deleted them. We go back and forth and crying, I ask him not to make a fool of me, if he wants to leave, just tell me.

I was devastated, but I wanted to see if he was willing to try, so I told him that he needs to fix this. At first I was hopeful, but as time went on, he has gotten so much worse. The last few months have proven to be a nightmare. I don't even recognize the person he is now. He's a monster. I retreated from him, just to try and recover and give us time to figure things out and I told him that. He told me I was cold and that I looked at him like I was disgusted, which I was. He maintained that he never cheated on me that she knows about me and it was just dinner with a friend and I was blowing it out of proportion. I told him it was the lies that I can't tolerate. Since then he has forgotten my birthday(on purpose?). He was at home for half the day asleep, I text him at 11pm asking him to come out, I ask if he forgot, he says no. I am crying and he said he had plans for this weekend. I say cashiers in the store see your ID and say happy birthday, so I couldn't even get a text? The weekend he said he had plans for us, day came and went, I called him and he said he was sick. Later on that night he goes out in 20* weather. I thought you were sick though? Christmas comes and I go to his house, he tells me that the person he went out with and lied to me about will be there bc his daughter invited her. So I'm there with this person and his family and our mutual friends. Nightmare. Later on that night, they leave and I see his phone she texts him to ask if he was going to another friends house and he replied later, but he doesn't go. He tells me he loves me, he's with me and like a fool I want to believe him. We spend that day and the next day together and NYE comes and goes with and we are both at home, he sends a text new years day. I don't call him and he doesn't call me. I respond to his texts if he sends them, but I don't initiate.

I borrow his car a few days later and notice a carryout container in the back. I look at it and it is some breakfast that I know he doesn't eat. I think maybe its his daughters but I keep that info in the back of my mind. A week later I hear him come in at 1:30am and I check his email a few days later. He has a fb message from that night from a *different* woman saying thanks for dinner you sure know how to treat a lady, you mean so much to me...kisses. This person is again someone that I have heard of before, friend of a friend. I am sick to my stomach and that was a month ago. I don't confront, I know that's it. I go to his house one evening and let myself in as usual, he's asleep so like a million times before I just let him wake up on his own. We talk about some family problems he has and I tell him I have to go to the doctor the next day. He tells me that he just wants to focus on working right now and doesn't want to do anything else. I see a package that I know the second woman gave him and I ask about it and he makes up some BS story about some guy he knows gave it to him. I leave and he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. Just like Judas. Next day my friend calls me and says she sees something on fb( I'm not on it) where he is basically trying to paint me as a stalker that came in his house and was standing over him as he slept and now he has to move. I have the key to his house and I have been in his house before while he was sleeping and now you slander me online? Why? Apparently he has told everyone else we are done but never bothered to say anything to me. I know we're done. I hold no illusions about R or anything else.

He knew I had a doctor's appointment, knew I had health issues, didn't call to see how my appointment went. I wound up having to have surgery and a biopsy that next week (two weeks ago). My friend told him I had surgery in the hopes that he still had some humanity, but he doesn't. He never called or came by to see how I was doing, or if I was even alive but somehow found the time to post pictures of a dinner he cooked that night. I was laying on the table for a biopsy crying and this second woman(so desperate) was sending private messages on fb and I guess they're together now I see her messages to him and she is sprung sending him 6 fb messages in 45 minutes(is that a thing now? why do grown adults use this instead of the phone?) and he never checked on me at all. I haven't talked to him since I went to his house a month ago. He has packed up his house and moved out, never once said anything to me about moving or where he went. He moved at the end of last month, he still has things in my house and some of his mail comes here. We have unfinished business. I know he's going to call me eventually. He has to to get his stuff. I see him in and out like a rat getting this and that from his house, and I just want him to get his crap and go. I can see him looking at my window when he comes by. I make sure not to go outside then.

If you read all that, thanks. I say all of that to say that I know he is hurting me on purpose. I've spent 3 years of my life with someone that I love and we made plans for or future, looked at rings and talked about where we will live after marriage. I thought he loved me and for him to not give me the respect to break up with me properly but to let me figure it out is cowardly at best and evil at worst. I am heartbroken and humiliated and he did it in front of people who depise me. I never would have thought this man would treat me like garbage. Less than garbage. You tell everyone we're done except for me? He told my friend we were over because I can't let go of that dinner. But he's never said anything to me. He leaves out all the lies he told. You lie and cheat on me with a woman who knows you're in a relationship? For someone you say you love to have had surgery and you not even call to see if they are alive or dead? Not to see if I'm okay, nothing? I have lost 30 lbs since October, I can't sleep or eat. I'm in pain both physically and emotionally. Then on top you move and don't tell me? I can't understand it. It is subhuman. If you want to go, go. Good riddance, but what he's doing is cruel and uncalled for. I don't know if I can ever get past this. I trusted him and he acts like he hates me, like I did something to him. Once I found out, it's like he turned into a demon. Or maybe he was all along and I never knew. All I did was trust and love him and now I'm being punished for it. Even when I stay away he still can find ways to hurt me. My God. Someone tell me what to do to get over this. Please. Please.


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI. I am glad that you've decided to post.

Unfortunately this Wbf is a coward and has refused all along to speak the truth with his words. His actions show disrespect to your relationship and that he doesn't want to be part of it. Because he hasn't been able to man up and tell you the truth he has strung you along and is painting you as a demon so that he can avoid the conflict and "Justify" to himself that he isn't in the wrong.

A person behaving this way is not what you want to be involved with.

It will be a bit harder before it gets easier. I think the best thing to do right now is to severe all ties to him. No calls or texts. No looking at his FB page. In fact I'd block him. NC = no new hurts. The hardest might be to stop worrying what he says. Always let your actions speak for you.

(((hugs)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51515 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you can put his crap at the front door of his house if he still comes and goes for the process of moving out..

I think there is a way to request that his mail not be sent to your house, but throw away his mail that comes your way, don't even bother to shred it..

I would NC him and consider this relationship over and done, final.. Don't let him come back into your life, he may attempt this thinking that you are his plan B for a while..

Some people just don't have the decency to give us closure..The people who treat us like trash are trash themselves..

I hate to say it but he gave you a blessing in disguise by breaking up and not marrying you...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:35 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this felt so familiar. It tore my heart out. Our timelines are really similar--I found out on Halloween, moved out but left most of my stuff there, saw him on my birthday in December, was still in touch until he pulled the rug out again cruelly and with no apology.

It was so bewildering. Who was this person? Why were they hurting me when they said they loved me so much?

The answer to the questions never quite comes. But here's what I know: Your exWBF is broken. He is only going to hurt you and every woman he is with.

Put all his stuff in trash bags and put in his driveway. Think about whether you can move if you're renting.

Talking here about my pain and confusion has really helped me. See your friends as much as you can. Cry when you need to. Mourn the loss. But remember that now he can't give you any new hurts. That your life will be healthier without him. Remember that you deserve better.

Be good to yourself. I'm so sorry our love has been discarded like this. I am sure you gave him everything of yourself that you could. The only reason it wasn't enough is because the hole inside him is too big. You could never fix it for him. But you can heal yourself from the pain he's caused. It doesn't sound like you're still in touch--stay that way. Focus on positive influences.

I'm really sorry we are both here. But believe me, we're lucky to be able to love the way we do. Would you rather be like him? I know you wouldn't. I've also realized from being on SI that, as much as I was hurt, I have a lot to be grateful--no decades lost to infidelity, no children to arrange custody for, no divorce lawyer to deal with. We are in a much better position than people with more lasting ties, in so far as moving on goes.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a playa. He's a gonna play. Don't bother trying to fix it. Do yourself a solid and walk away.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI. I am glad that you've decided to post.

Unfortunately this Wbf is a coward and has refused all along to speak the truth with his words. His actions show disrespect to your relationship and that he doesn't want to be part of it. Because he hasn't been able to man up and tell you the truth he has strung you along and is painting you as a demon so that he can avoid the conflict and "Justify" to himself that he isn't in the wrong.

A person behaving this way is not what you want to be involved with.

It will be a bit harder before it gets easier. I think the best thing to do right now is to severe all ties to him. No calls or texts. No looking at his FB page. In fact I'd block him. NC = no new hurts. The hardest might be to stop worrying what he says. Always let your actions speak for you.

(((hugs)


Thanks for that. I agree he is a coward and he is trying to make me into a monster. He's one of those that always has "psycho" exes. Now I can see why. He knows he can't call me psycho, no one will believe him, so I guess he's switching up and trying to call me a stalker. You're right it will be harder. I feel like someone plopped me on broken glass and the only way out is through it. Yet he's there with salt on top of everything else.

Maybe you can put his crap at the front door of his house if he still comes and goes for the process of moving out..

I think there is a way to request that his mail not be sent to your house, but throw away his mail that comes your way, don't even bother to shred it..

I would NC him and consider this relationship over and done, final.. Don't let him come back into your life, he may attempt this thinking that you are his plan B for a while..

Some people just don't have the decency to give us closure..The people who treat us like trash are trash themselves..

I hate to say it but he gave you a blessing in disguise by breaking up and not marrying you...

I will give him back his stuff but some of it is furniture and I can't move anything because of my surgery. As far as the mail, I had a problem with him not picking up his mail before and I told him I wouldn't take one step to give him his mail because he has no problem driving 30 miles to pick up a package so why can't he walk 6 feet, ask if there's mail and go? This man walked 3 miles in 20 inches of snow to come check on me before we were a couple and now it's too much effort? Part of why I get his mail is because he pissed off the mail lady lol. I feel like I would be participating in my own disrespect to be honest. It will rot here before I move a finger. The most I will do is put it in the trash.

My mother also thinks that he will try and reappear once the bloom is off the crazy chick. I hope not. He has done too much to scar me for me to ever think of him the same. He is garbage on the inside..

Reading this felt so familiar. It tore my heart out. Our timelines are really similar--I found out on Halloween, moved out but left most of my stuff there, saw him on my birthday in December, was still in touch until he pulled the rug out again cruelly and with no apology.

It was so bewildering. Who was this person? Why were they hurting me when they said they loved me so much?

The answer to the questions never quite comes. But here's what I know: Your exWBF is broken. He is only going to hurt you and every woman he is with.

Put all his stuff in trash bags and put in his driveway. Think about whether you can move if you're renting.

Talking here about my pain and confusion has really helped me. See your friends as much as you can. Cry when you need to. Mourn the loss. But remember that now he can't give you any new hurts. That your life will be healthier without him. Remember that you deserve better.

Be good to yourself. I'm so sorry our love has been discarded like this. I am sure you gave him everything of yourself that you could. The only reason it wasn't enough is because the hole inside him is too big. You could never fix it for him. But you can heal yourself from the pain he's caused. It doesn't sound like you're still in touch--stay that way. Focus on positive influences.

I'm really sorry we are both here. But believe me, we're lucky to be able to love the way we do. Would you rather be like him? I know you wouldn't. I've also realized from being on SI that, as much as I was hurt, I have a lot to be grateful--no decades lost to infidelity, no children to arrange custody for, no divorce lawyer to deal with. We are in a much better position than people with more lasting ties, in so far as moving on goes.

Oh I'm sorry for you too. Our stories are similar. One thing that I am grateful for is that I kept my dignity and pride. He saw me cry and be upset, yes. But I never did anything that he could really point to and disparage me. Even that stalking comment was farfetched for anyone that knows me. I did love him sincerely and I came to him with a pure heart so I feel proud that I was able to love someone well, regardless of whether he can appreciate it. I was good to him and he knows it. He has a hard time sleeping and I can see why. Guilt causes insomnia.

I am not in contact with him at all, he was mad I'm sure that my friend told him I had surgery instead of me. But I didn't want to undergo that with whatever BS he would spew and make himself look like a victim. He hasn't seen me at all, I make sure to avoid him and he doesn't really know if I'm home. I keep the lights off where they can be seen from outside. I know that bothers him and well, good. He needs to wonder what happened to me. He threw away the choice to know anything about me.

I am glad we didn't get married. I'm glad we didn't have children, even though at Christmas he wanted to try. That would only be because he knows I'd be a good mom and I'd be stuck with him forever. Thank God for that. But I'm not getting any younger and I wasted 3 years of fertility on him. That makes me sad. The friend that told him about my surgery was there when we looked at rings and has seen us together through funerals, sickness and life in general. She was, to use her words, flabbergasted that this man never even called to check on me and that he is acting so crazy. She said she is so disappointed. So am I. He is such a disappointment.

So today to distract myself, I went shopping for Valentine presents for my girlfriends that have listened to me cry and be upset for the last three months. I figure I would be grateful for what I have instead of what I lost. (((hugs to you)))


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a playa. He's a gonna play. Don't bother trying to fix it. Do yourself a solid and walk away.

Lol you're right. I am walking away, I have no choice. I just need my heart and mind to catch up with my feet.


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
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