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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I do?
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. the basics first: you don't have to make any decisions right now. You do need to eat, sleep, breathe, and take care of yourself and your littles the best you can.

you can't and shouldn't believe anything your wh says. watch what he does.

you (like everyone in jfo) need to do std testing. i would also recommend getting into individual counseling as soon as you can. and seeing a lawyer.

you also need some in real life supports, but i am not sure how much you and your best friend can help each other. i do think you should keep each other apprised of suspicious activity by your whs.

your wh has a lot of work to do on himself. he needs to figure out how he would let himself do such damage to your marriage and to walk over your vows in this way.

take care. keep coming here for support, and take advantage of those here who have walked your path. it is a particular experience to have compounded betrayal with this betrayal of the sexual nature of your marriage and vows.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That must have been incredibly hard for you to hear, and terrible for the other BS as well, she has to deal with the fact that her WS seems to have known he was interested in other men all his life, therefore, she married him under false pretenses on his part.

(Although since he was 4?? Sorry, but I can't see that...)

Your WS wasn't dragged kicking and screaming into this, he went along with it willingly... because he wanted to. That's one of the hardest things to deal with, the intention to go through with something that is so very obviously wrong, with such a high risk of harm to others. What a huge level of entitlement.

So what's their plan, the two of them? Have they got any boundaries in place, will NC be established? If this OM has such strong feelings for your WS, he'll find it hard to stay away, what was your WS reaction to the feelings of this OM being voiced?

Don't feel foolish thinking you said too much honey, nothing on this good earth can prepare you for dealing with this, you really are stumbling in the dark, we all do when we find out about our partner's other life... it helps to read up on the stages of grief, dealing with infidelity mirrors it, you are grieving what you had and what you've lost.

I hope you get some sleep, and are able to eat, make sure you drink plenty of water, and I hope you have someone other than the other BS to lean on, in fact, I caution you, she's probably not the right person to support you right now, she has her own pain to deal with.


[This message edited by hard_yards at 4:21 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, absolutely guys know they are gay early on. Bi is harder to understand, and I do think there are a few truly bi people out there, but most of the research shows they are just on their journey to being gay.

The other man revealed that he has been bi - sexual since he was 4 and that he pounced on my husband during a weak time and make him feel better than anyone else ever could. My husband said he'd never ever had thoughts about other men.

^^^^For this quote alone, I feel so sorry for your BFF. That knowledge when you realize they absolutely married you as a cover is something I have never been able to forgive. It is one of THE most selfish things a man can do. Literally wiping any chance or a normal relationship because they want "a beard", a cover, so they can do as they please. The utter using of another person. I also experienced this.

Your husband is lying to you. You can ask any heterosexual man if they would fall for another guy hitting on them. You don't simply wake up one day and have sex with another man. You can DENY that you have those thoughts and feelings and he may convince himself he is straight (or…gay community calls it str8), but the REALITY is he is having sex with a man.

WORDS mean nothing. ACTIONS mean everything. Trust us on this. Ignore all words at this point. They are defending, scrambling, in horror at being discovered (not in horror for what they've done), trying to figure out how to stuff everything back into the closet.

I also hear that very vain stance that some gay men can take…the other guy could MAKE him feel better than anyone else (meaning you…or a woman…) ever could??? Pa-leeze. What an absolute ego you are also dealing with. He was so powerfully gay that he can sway a straight man?

As much pain as you and BFF are in, your H's are in a land called "Denial". Especially your H. Denial is powerful, it is how he allowed himself to cheat on you. Compartmentalization. He didn't think what he was doing was really hurting you, so he kept the "lives" separate.

Infidelity is infidelity. Your entire life has just had a bomb explode in the middle of it. It is going to take some time to figure out your path. Keep posting. Keep processing. Keep talking. Find a therapist you can go talk to. Eat. Drink.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
New Member
Member # 42418
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VANITY! Oh yes!! The OM thinks he is the end all be all...always hated that about him when he was just my friend/best friends husband. I want so badly to just grasp to what he said ab it being his fault but I know I cant. I said the exact same thing last night that had the OM tried this on, say, my brother- he would have had his ass kicked...

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worried about you all night, I swear. I feel so bad for you and your friend. You have both been duped in the worst possible way.

I am flabbergasted at what the other man said. He clearly sees your husband as his conquest. What worries me in your situation is that he's going to keep your husband under his control with the threat of outing him to the church. He may have already been doing that.

You've said you have family around. Is there a way they can take your kids off your hands for a day or two to let you process this? You don't have to tell them why if you're not ready to. But I can't imagine dealing with this while still trying to function for the kids.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
New Member
Member # 42418
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone on here know of someone who has salvaged their marriage after a homosexual infidelity?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are reeling right now.

Do research. I am sure your WS is telling you all kinds of things right now to try and preserve his image. I know this because I was there. Read on SI and see if he can sustain what he is saying to you long term. My ex did almost everything right for several months. One of the things he wouldn't' do would be to post on SI in the Wayward section. He "was fine" and didn't need to figure out why he cheated.

My therapist said, as we were trying to Reconcile (R), and I LISTENED (although trying to R), to have a "plan B".

It is something like >1% of couples survive a homosexual affair. Your WS was in a long-term homosexual affair.

I know you are grasping at straws right now. It is normal, it is part of the grieving process.

Plan B. Have a Plan B for you and your children working in the back of your head.

No matter what, you will survive and eventually thrive again. It takes time, but you can and you will. I'm almost 4 years out. I'm now in Grad School, I own my own house and my own car. I have new friends and my kids are doing well. I date and I have a decent co-parenting relationship with ex.

I survived. You will too.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I don't really have any friends that can keep the kids, and my mom won't keep all of them.

Honey I do not have any family support whatsoever.

You will be surprised by the amount of support that friends will give/offer you.... I know its hard... but sometimes all you have to do is ask

(from someone who hates asking for anything).

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
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