Well, what do I do?
First, it's great that you found Surviving Infidelity. There will be plenty of people popping in to support you and offer advice based on their experience.
The first few weeks (months!) are awful. It's like being under fire, constant bombardment. So take good care of yourself, for your kids' sake. Remember to eat. Remember to drink water! Basic stuff like that. I found it very helpful to get some strenous exercise (maybe the endorphins?), using the treadmill at my office (crying the whole time I was walking).
And pray pray pray. You are a churchgoing Christian, so can you talk to the pastor? Or is there a pastoral counselor in your area? I found it very helpful to WRITE OUT my prayers, keeping a journal that was half prayers and half curses! God loved me through my torment, thankÖ God!
Your situation is so complex and difficult because of all the factors involved. Everything you wrote about your feelings is totally familiar to any of us BS types.
You take care of you and the children first. Make sure you have means to care for yourself and them, and then make some decisions.
If you love your husband and you want to remain married, it is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what your deal breakers are. If the Other Man's wife is your best friend, salvaging that relationship may require a lot of counseling and prayer.
Sit down (alone, at first) and calculate everything you know about your personal finances. Figure out whether you and the children can survive on half your husband's income.
Because the other couple is so close to you and you go to church together, counseling from church may be really uncomfortable (and depending on your church, maybe impossible.) DO GET SOME spiritual, mental, emotional support from some source, though. Individual counseling is helpful even if all it gives us is an outside perspective.
I hope and pray you are able to get through this with a stronger faith and a brighter future than you are facing today.
All the best to you,
Right now, take care of yourself. Know it's not your fault. Try and be strong, if you can--I do not know what will happen, but you are not going to be able to go back to your old 'normal' life. You will have to mourn the loss of the M you had and, very possibly, confront the end of it in the future. I'm sorry to say that but with sexual identity in the mix, it is a real possibility . But I want you to know that you are going to be okay.
This is so hard for you on so many levels, please for now just think of yourself and your children and if there is anyone you trust to help you then talk to them. Unfortunately there is no magic wand, you just have to take it day by day and just deal with it one day at a time.
Please take care
(((((((hugs to you))))))))
I think you need to find someone in your faith that you can talk to about this. Especially since he is an elder. If your situation was anything like mine, your world just came apart. The church becomes a big part of your social structure and you are probably vacillating between calling him out publicly about his deception and trying to protect him by keeping his secret. It is more than anyone can bare alone.
You are in my prayers.
Please, please, take care of yourself and your little ones, find someone you can trust to lean on, outside of your home. An IC can be the perfect place to unload, and say the things you don't feel you can say to anyone else.
Now, as far as taking care of yourself... this is another painful part of being the BS, please make an appointment immediately to be tested for all the STD's, all of them, and include Hep C.
Chances are, and again, I'm so sorry, these two haven't just decided at this stage in their lives, that they like having sex with other men. There is every reason to believe either one of them, your husband or his best friend, or both of them, have done this before.
Right now, you don't have to do anything.... other than see your Dr, take the time to process this new knowledge, you must feel like there's no one dependable around you.
What happens going forward is up to you, for some this would be just too much to try and work through, and that's ok, that's a decision you can make too, certainly no one would ever think badly of you should you decide this is more than you can deal with.
At the very least, for now, I'd insist that all and any contact between them ceases, and that the OM's wife is told in as compassionate a manner as is possible. Your H's reaction to total NC will tell you a lot about his perception of what he's done.
R is a very long and hard road, should YOU decide to go that way at some point in the future, with many bumps along the way. You have so much to deal with honey, take your time, breath, eat, sleep... love your little ones.
Remember at all times that this is not your fault, there is absolutely nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented this or contributed to it. What your H has done is entirely on him, 100%.
Know that every one here is holding your hand, and thinking of you. Hugs.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 11:24 AM, February 10th (Monday)]
The most horrible part of what you are enduring is that you and your friend probably feel horribly used. It is not uncommon for gay people who are in churches that are opposed to same sex relationships to get married as a means of hiding their sexuality. And you both got sucked into their deception without your knowledge.
I feel so bad for you. Sigh.
I will tell you about my journey, but the basics are:
1. No straight man has sexual or emotional feelings toward another man. Period.
2. My ex is also heavily involved in the Catholic religion. He SWORE to me he "wasn't gay". Didn't want to be gay. WAS NOT GAY.
3. We did try to reconcile. Intense therapy. 2 small kids. 6 months of this where I was reeling in pain and confusion. My ex had a hidden lifestyle, hidden money, I was in shock.
4. My anger stage hitÖand he couldn't' take it. He went back to one of the AP's to console him. I found out and left.
5. He went back to AP, then the following year met his "soul mate", came flying out of the closet and is now in an openly gay relationship of 2 years. Currently, my life, 4 years laterÖstill sucks. I am glad to be on my own with my kids, in grad school and moving my life forward, but much of it still sucks.
6. My kids are trying to come to terms with a gay dad.
7. I have to tell men I date that my ex is gay.
8. I could go on.
Basically, what i learned through therapy and research and timeÖis that the men DO NOT WANT TO BE GAY. As my ex said, "I was just fucking themÖI made love to you." They are saying they aren't gay because it is a huge deal, especially if you are religious. They fight it and fight it and fight it (the stupid ones do at least) and they drag everyone else along with them all the while saying, I'M NOT GAY. Then, they become tired of fightingÖand they come out.
Most of the time they start questioning themselves around 30Öthen come out around 40. It is generally about a 10 year process.
My ex did have a gay experience in high school that he forgot to mention to me when we met and married. His explanation? "I fell in love with you and thought my question (am I gay?) had been answered."
You are going to have a long and tiring time in front of you. Some couples DO make it through this. I did find a group on-line that supported OPEN marriages. I did not. There are a few couples that survive knowing the H is bi/gayÖbut it takes a really strong man to fight his sexual urges and remain faithful.
PM me and I will do anything I can to support you. It is it's own special hell. I've had to come to terms with a lot of lies and manipulation and done a LOT of therapy. But, I have survived. EX is barely in our lives now. He pays, he sees his kids e/o weekend, but that is it. He has his partner around my kids whenever he has them and I deal with the fallout of my kids struggling.
((((nothingleft123)))) hang in there.
edited to add: I sent you a PM (personal mail) check the top of the home page...
[This message edited by cmego at 4:22 PM, February 10th (Monday)]
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Nothingleft123, honey, please don't agree to anything at this "meeting"... who knows what the two men have cooked up to say, and the other BS might just be so shattered that she's ready to grasp at straws, anything, to try and regain the life you both thought you had only a couple of short days ago.
These men are very unlikely to be able to just walk away from each other, even though that's what needs to happen for there to be any chance at all for either couple. Your lives are all so intertwined with each other. Being sexually attracted to the same gender as yourself is a totally different thing to man/woman infidelity IMO.
Actually, if you are feeling pushed or pressured right now to even show up at this meeting, don't go, just don't go.
You have hardly even had time to remember how to breath right now, you need time to process what you've only just learned. Having a four way heart to heart tonight is far too soon in my opinion.
If you do go, let them do all the talking, say little yourself, listen a lot. Hopefully the other BS will do the same. I hope she isn't so distraught that she tries to influence an outcome, she might be so very scared of this information getting out that she won't be thinking straight and prepared to accept anything.
If you feel up to it, lay out what your immediate needs are... NC, in any form, WS staying somewhere else... etc... but remember you have nothing to own here, this is not your doing, not your shame to carry, that's reserved for the unfaithful, be it man or woman.
Hugs honey, lots of hugs, I know there will be a lot of us here thinking about you today, as lonely as a path this is, you now have 42,000 new friends who care.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 4:39 PM, February 10th (Monday)]