I know time will tell, and in the meantime I'm reminding myself that she is a liar and a cheater. I also see the tremendous amount of pain she is in, and trying to keep from both herself and me. Brief history is that she is wanting reconciliation but struggling to "sit in" my pain from the EAs and complying with transparency, though I believe she is not actively cheating right now. We are separated in-house and are both in IC. She has shared that she is working on figuring out if she can give me what I need in our relationship (with regard to remorse and her own need to find herself). Recent talks have included me moving toward my own personal financial independence so that she can move out because she isn't being transparent.
So what I did was still part of the 180? I can see that the way you put it. Going shopping tonight with her might not be, though...
See if she says the same stuff sober as she did drunk.... the harsh light of day is very telling, you did the right thing by looking out for her last night, but today is another day, drunken sobbing is just that, alcohol fueled ranting. Back to the 180.
Please take some time to think things through very carefully, I've been dealing with this long enough to know that some damage is irreparable, some wrongs can never be righted, and that the life we all had is changed and a new one established.... it's very hard work, think about yourself, what you want, what you need, and what you can live with.
Last night, it sounds like you went down to help, matter of factly did what was needed, didn't engage in her drama, essentially took care of business, and then left. Good job. This morning, she's mouthing words about sorry and wanting to be your friend.
Nope. Ain't gonna happen until and unless she gets her stuff together to be truly remorseful, transparent, etc. Until she shows you by her actions that she is fully on-board. Bending right now sends a bad message to her. That you'll be her KISA and save her, every time that she has a problem and that afterwards you will play family with her.
Much stronger and, to the point, healthier response to remind her that you are not spouses, you are separated now, and while you don't regret helping her last night, that it will not happen again because that's the sort of care that only a spouse, a full partner gets. Be strong!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I get wanting to explore the possibility of R. But you need to get on more solid ground, yourself.
180. See what really happens--in the absence of booze.
Maudlin declarations are...well, bullshit.
Shopping today? Just a way to play house, to lull you into a sense of security, to get you off your game so that she can get what she wants with the MINIMUM effort.
You're on the verge of letting it work.
How do I know? Because I was the recipient of "minimum effort" for a very long time, and more than once.
(And no, what you did was not part of the 180--but that's okay; few of us are able to consistently adhere to it.)
It's NOT the path you want to take.
[This message edited by solus sto at 5:13 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]
D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot