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User Topic: Need Advice re: Wgf
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I am the OP of this thread: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521401 .

My question is, in any of your cases, did your WS or WGF start acting snippy towards you?

In my case, she started to pull back before I found about about the affair. Then, after I suspected that she realized I knew, she began to act differently towards me, often being overly corrective here at work, or just plain snippy in emails or conversation. Like it was my fault that we broke up and she had the A.

This isn't just directed towards me. She has done the same to a few of our colleagues (fellow faculty). Her personality has seemed to have changed and not for the better.

I think part of the reason for this behavior is she is in a position of authority at our college and is under a lot of stress right now with work issues here. I wonder, though, how much of her stress is caused by knowing she is doing something she knows is wrong?

Before I knew about the affair, we had decided to take it slow and maybe even go back to being friends. I have tried my best to remain friends, but she clearly doesn't seem to want that. I've tried to be supportive and offer prayers and whatever help I can here at work, but she often ignores my offers. Maybe it's because she knows she has to hide what she is doing, but it is very hurtful to me to have her act this way. If you read my previous thread, you will see that we were friends for 8 years before we had a romantic relationship. I don't want to go back to a romantic relationship, but I would like things to be better between us as friends.

In any case, I'd like to hear if any of you have experienced this with your WS or WGF?

Thanks again...


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take a break from being friends. A long break. Maybe eventually you can reconnect amicably, but right now it's all too soon. You are still suffering from being exposed to her behavior and that's not fair to you. Detach and pull back. Focus on yourself, not whatever her deal is right now. That's her issue, not yours anymore.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Norabird,

Thanks again for responding. I do appreciate it a lot.

I have pulled back and have no contact with her aside from what we need to do here at our university. That had been her choice, mainly.

In spite of that, she seems to seek me out to be corrective and snippy and that just adds to the hurt I feel. I don't think I can ever forget the fact she cheated on me while we were dating, not to mention the fact she still portrays herself as a Christian mentor (We are a Christian college), that we had assumed she was.

I certainly don't deserve to be the target of her behavior. I know she does this to others around here lately, but it is more often directed at me, even when I try to maintain a distance.

I've discussed this with friends and they think it is because she knows she is doing something wrong and is taking it out on me. Subsconsciously, I remind her of what she is doing.

I keep telling myself that I enjoy my job and my students, as well as my colleagues, but this makes it very hard to come to work each day.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she above you in rank? You say she's in a position of power. Is that over an entire department? A group of students?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe see a dean or administrator in your department to make a complaint? Your work needs to be a safe place for you. Did you say earlier you share an office? Ask if they can move you at the very least.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Norabird and Painfulpast,

Obviously, I have to be careful what I write here, but I can say she is the Chair of our academic department, so yes, she is over me..

We share an office suite.

I've considered reporting this, but her behavior doesn't rise to a level of harrassment. At least not yet. Once you start the ball rolling on that, it can't be stopped..It's more just snippy sometimes and seems to be more a reflection of all the stress she is under, no doubt a big part of that is knowing she needs to keep her A secret. There are also several major academic issues going on. Just a lot on her plate. That said, as a long-time friend, I don't deserve to be the target of her moods.

Honestly, if we had broken up and she had met someone else, someone single, I would not feel this degree of hurt, but knowing she is in an A, with a campus cop, changes everything. I feel stupid and betrayed because this was going on while we were dating, maybe even before.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are her subordinate she has harassed you. I can see not outing the A, but I think you need to lie low and document all your contacts with her. I would not volunteer to help her - it's all too easily misinterpreted, and you're all too easily portrayed as a stalker or as a disgruntled ex-suitor - and too much comes down to your word against hers.

I may have totally misunderstood the sitch, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, if we had broken up and she had met someone else, someone single, I would not feel this degree of hurt, but knowing she is in an A, with a campus cop, changes everything. I feel stupid and betrayed because this was going on while we were dating, maybe even before.

If she hurt and betrayed you, why do you wish to remain friends?

If she is snippy and overly corrective, why do you wish to remain friends?

If her affair is ongoing, then she continues to break the Commandments, which flies in the face of your values. Why do you wish to remain friends?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sisoon,

Thank you for responding.

You've pretty much understood the sitch :)

I agree about not outing the A, (Trust me, I'd like to. I do feel the WS deserves to know. However, I'd be viewed by my ex as a jilted suitor and it would be her word against mine. Keep in mind she is a favorite of the Deans here) unless it can be done anonymously, and even then, they both suspect I know.... At this point, I'm hoping for karma, or whatever you may wish to call it..

Regarding filing a harrassment claim, I am keeping a record of our adverse contacts in case I want to proceed at some point. Again, for the reasons I stated above, which I have no doubt would come out if I were to push anything (Jilted ex, etc.),I'd need to be careful and have solid evidence.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear IWantDoOver,

Those are excellent questions :) To be honest, I don't why to all of the things you mentioned. I guess part of me hopes that the real "Amy" is the person I've known for 8 years and not the one who is in the A, and treating me badly, naive as that is..

The point is moot anyway. She has, for the last six months or so, excluded me from her life. I think that's mainly to keep the A from me because we initially went back to being friends after we mutually decided that was best. I didn't know at the time why because things had been going so well. As it turned out, she was in the A with the campus cop...

On the last one, if God doesn't give up on someone if they sin, why should I? That doesn't mean we can be best buds again, but I would like to be able to stop dreading coming into the office every day...

[This message edited by Steve55 at 3:45 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Topic Posts: 10

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