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User Topic: I emailed the WH today: WS welcome
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a firm believer in getting stuff off ya chest. Holding it in leads to it coming out in another way, which is usually unhealthy (i.e. an Affair, fighting, etc...)

Here is what I said:

We all have a desire to be wanted and needed. I want and need you. Have always desired you. Which is why I essentially saved myself for you. Never really giving anyone else a chance waiting for you.

In 2009, when I prayed about it....I prayed that God open up my heart and mind for the person that is supposed to be in it. And God told me that person was you. Right now, I struggle with that. Because I don't feel the same things from you. Why would God tell me you are who He has for me, and you would rather be with someone else? What is the point of me wanting and needing someone who feels more inclined to tune into the wants and needs of someone else? I miss my best friend, I miss my confidant. I don't have a desire for anyone else to be that for me besides you.

I realize you have feelings for and love OW. That's natural. Who wouldn't have feelings for someone they had a relationship with? The issue is choosing to act on those feelings, and thinking you can rid yourself of them while still maintaining contact with that person. You all have no kids, and no assets together. So I don't understand you NEED to reach out to her unless you simply want to. There is nothing I can do about that. Me being your freak, sucking your dick 5 times a day, having your meals ready when you get home, will not keep you from making the decision to act on your feelings. To deny them is inane, but to become indifferent, meaning you have them, but you don't feel the need to act them is more realistic. But again, you have to choose to do that. I'm not asking that you do. I wish you would though.

I love you. I am in love with you. That will not change........but my decision to act on those feelings....well.....

If you're continuing to see and maintain contact with OW is your way to exit out of what you feel is a "mistake" of a marriage; then please be honest with me and yourself about that. The example we are showing our girls is not a healthy one.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your story, and I'm no WS, but...

It looks to me like you wrote from your heart. And here is what he heard:

I love you, you're wonderful, you're godlike. I will love you forever and give you all the ego kibbles you want, and there's no limit to the bad things you can do and still have me waiting for you.

So you never need to change, and eventually, maybe, I'll quit being loving, sort of, but I'll always love you.

Am I wrong?

And this:

The example we are showing our girls is not a healthy one.

What is the example YOU are showing your girls?


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5121 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I can see what you mean. What I want to be conveyed is that I love him. But that doesnt mean I will do anything about it, including being his wife.

As for the example...I mean taking our kids around and sleeping with a woman he is not married. I cant keep them from him for that...at least not legally.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you sent this yet? I think you should put on your bitch boots and look at it again. Then, delete everything affirming. Be tough. You are basically making excuses for him! Trust me, he can do that well enough on his own.


EDIT: Oops: I see you did send it from your post title. But you can still put your bitch boots on! They are your new house slippers.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3809 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did send it. But I didn't ask or say I wanted to make it work. Im not askin him to choose because what matters is what I will do. We have no physical contact what so ever. And I dont particularly care of he responds. But I see what yall are getting at.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the need to tell him that you love him but that you also need to let him go. I do.

Unfortunately, I would agree that that is not what he heard. He heard that he's the only one for you, and that he can shit on you and your kids time and time again and it won't matter. He heard that he's just that spectacular that you will love him and pine for him forever.

Even if you move ahead with a D, he will believe that there will always be a connection between you and that the door is open for him to come back anytime.

Honey, that may absolutely be the way that you feel today. We all go through that. Its a rare member of SI who can shut that door and never ever look back. But, I guarantee you won't feel that way a year from now, two years from now, five years from now. As you get further and further away from this toxic pile of shit, you will start to see that he wasn't who you believed he was and he certainly wasn't worthy of your love and devotion.

I get that there is that need to get things off your chest. At the same time, it's essentially like talking to a brick wall with an unremorseful wayward. Get it off your chest, write it down, post it here, but then let it go. No good will come from telling him. He won't ever get it and you will feel sad and disappointed every time you are forced to realize that.

I can admit that I did something similar in the early days. I wrote him and said that I was very sad about where we ended up, but that I loved him and would always be here if he ever saw that this was a mistake. You know what that fucker said to me, his wife of 15 years and the mother of his kids? "thanks, but I really think this all happened for a reason.". As though the gods brought this whore into his life and that there are cosmic reasons that i just couldnt understand for his decision to destroy our family. That fucking killed me. I handed him another piece of my battered, broken self and he flicked it across the room. Don't make that same mistake - it won't hurt him, but it will crush you all over again.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Jan 2011
phoenixrise
♀ Member
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its a great start at least you are communicating what you feel as opposed to nothing at all. There seem to be alot of hugs in this note though. You remind me of me slapping him softly with angry words then hugging him. It's so hard when you are so very much in love with the person who has hurt you so much and youre so afraid of them choosing the OW over you. It hurts bad especially when they held your hand during labor! Use your anger and put the b boots on in your next letters to him...he needs a taste of the mean hurt you...he wasn't afraid to show you the a hole unsympathetic side of him...of course its easy to say from the outside looking in...I still commend you for putting it out there


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 212 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could slit his throat with a sentnece. But that is not the best way to effectively communicate. I def need to find a balance...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what TrustedHer and suckstobeme said. You told him that even though he's treated you like absolute shit and that he's shown you nothing but disrespect that you still love him and idolize him and want him back.

You are rewarding his poor behavior with your undying love. Why would he change?

One very valid point in the 180 information says:

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

You may feel it, but I would argue that there is very little about him that is worthy of love atm. That email gave the impression that he is awesome and worthy of love and worth waiting for. He's not.

All of the 180 has merit.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Post it here if you need to get it out, but don't hand something like that to an unremorseful wayward.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you've been married for 3 years. He's had this girlfriend for over 5 years. Is this correct?


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@pain

Yes. We were engaged before he met her and broke up. We essentially had no contact. I didnt even know the ow existed until dd#1. Which of course I asked why didnt u just marry her? We were co parenting fine. No drama. Why get married if u had feelings for someone else. Then we were supposed to be on the road to recovery. And I found the A never ended. Im not nearly as heart broken as I was before. I actually have no expectations. I just choose not to make any sudden moves at the moment. I can love him. But I am getting to the point of no longer desiring to act on it.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This 'man' has deceived you from day 1. Why love him at all? He's never shown himself worthy of such feelings. He's lived a double life for your entire marriage. He sounds horrific actually.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's true. Im beginning to accept that. Like I said. Denying that I love him makes no sense
But as I said.....I dont have to so anything about it.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say that I totally get the still loving the wayward POS. I'm there too. It's over, but that's externally internally, there is still a lot to process. And I sent a lot of emails for awhile! We were in false R then, but still.

I really just want you to put on your bitch boots because I never even pulled mine out of the closet and it kills me. So, there's your grain of salt (bitch boots are still the best thing to wear though )


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3809 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD,

WW here.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Your pain is very palpable in that email. You are desperate for him to get his head out of his ass and come to his senses. Unfortunately, coming from someone who has had her head firmly stuck in there, continuing to give him your attention like that will not work.

He may never snap out of it, or he may, either way the 180 is your best friend. NC=no new hurts for you and the start of your healing. NC=the end of him getting ego kibbles from you and OW. The sooner he gets in touch with the truth that to have any part of you he owes you loyalty and honesty and remorse the better for everyone.

Do not let him continue to believe that if things don't work out with OW you will be there ready to work on things with him. Start moving on now. Take care of you and your kids. Detach. IF he has a epiphany and realizes what he is losing he may come crawling back. If that happens I hope you will have gotten enough distance and healing to be able to consider what you want in a relationship and if you believe he can provide it. Decide what you will need from him and what your deal breakers are, tell him, and watch his actions.

I wish you peace and healing.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him that this wash-rinse-repat cycle is unhealthy and that this marriage failed because he had a girlfriend...not because of what I did or didnt do. That I wanted to remain civil but I dont do wife duties for ppl with girlfriends. He said he wouldn't contest. I honestly didnt expect a different amswer. He then went on to say he has lost so much over the last year which still lets me know its all about him.

So it is what it is...not sure when I'll do it...maybe he will do it fiest. But I actually feel better. I wont wait on the ah-ha moment, but unless he meets my must haves, reconciliation is not possible


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 16

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