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User Topic: My Needs
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking a lot about my own needs to survive this whole crappy affair and I wondered if any other BS have drafted a "Need" list? If so would you share? Here is my first draft and I hope to give this to him this weekend:
1. Need honesty.
2. Need commitment to us regardless of good or bad days.
3. Need structure to daily routine. (Time you come home, calls if you are late, checking texts, ect)
4. Need your thoughts - not just answers.
5. Need small promises so I can start to trust/believe you again.
6. Need your acknowledgement when I call or text. Pick up and say you are in a meeting. Or text back I need time to answer. Don't ignore me.
7. Need to know I am your priority
8. Need to verify your answers without feeling guilty for checking up.
9. Need intimacy between us.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may want to consider adding that you need him to work on why he cheated in the first place.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point Whiteflower. Thank you. I do need for home to work on why he has the affair.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it all sounds good to me.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im not sure if this falls into your list under verify but
- complete and utter transparency on all aspects of life, including daily life (where going, who meets, what context, etc) and all forms of electronic media (phone, emails, etc)

- an agreement on what constitutes proper and healthy boundaries and agreement on what the consequences are for violating those boundaries (divorce).

- removing all toxic people from our lives who either supported, condoned, permitted, or encouraged her affairs. removing everyone who has heard so much crap about me (the bs) that they view our marriage in a very skewed way. removing everyone that isnt a friend of our marriage.

- agreement that any facts that subsequently come to light later that substantially contradict her stories (she used TT) will result in a divorce. agreement to a polygraph at a later point to verify her answers.

- IC counseling for us both. MC for us both.

those were some of my "needs".


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, it's probably wise to stress that you need complete honesty now. I told my W that a revelation now could end our M, but if something comes out later that should come out now, it would end our M.

That's not guaranteed to work, but it might prevent TT ('trickle truth').


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I would add that I need my Wh's actions to match his words.

No lip service, if he says he's going to do something, do it.

But your list is spot on. I just copied and pasted it in my journal! Thank you!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Topic Posts: 7

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