I'm still in final negotiations with CSTBXWW. The judge is doing his nut
She really wants to keep controlling. Fortunately the judge ruled that she cannot dictate holidays.
It's all done and now I'm emotional
Yes, of course it is sad what she did to your family. Even on the good days with my WH (we are attempting R), there is always a core of sadness that we ever had to go through this shit in the first place. A victory in a battle that never should have had to been fought is bittersweet.
But all the truly important things - that your boys will have a stable home with you, and that you are now free to move on from CrazyEx's attempts at control - are in place. It makes me happy when dignity, decency, and dedication pay off, and your story here has really drawn a lot of attention not only because we understand your pain, but also because we all want the good guy to win.
[This message edited by allatsea at 4:20 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]
Her attempts to control everything...I am sure we will continue to see that...it is aggravating, but with time you will be able to detach (I hope) and just see it as ludicrous, like many of the stories here on D/S about the disordered things Exes do.
Hugs to you - it is an emotional thing, you have been through an ordeal. Don't know what time it is there, but hope you can take a long walk, or sit with a friend, or have a celebratory pint in a pub. Unwind and process.
You have behaved like a hero throughout! Kudos!
MY SO has the alternating Christmas arrangement. We hate it. We can't travel anywhere for the Christmas holidays because we exchange the kids at 10am. We never get to spend the holiday with family unless they come to see us.
SO is in the process of redoing the custody arrangement with his XWW since his DD has come to live with us. He is proposing several options. Most of them will leave him with out the kids most Christmas mornings. We will celebrate on 24th or 26th but it will allow us to spend more time and include our extended families.
Nothing about D creates an ideal situation but we do the best we can. You did great.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
The legal part is concluding and that's good. The court has throttled some of her controlling behavior with its observations and instructions.
Given her demeanor, her compliance with the (eventual) decree may be difficult. So allow the emotions of the moment to pass through you, recognize that you have done well for you and your children and breathe.
What's next may prove every bit as exasperating. But you have the benefits of a legal decision, in all its specifics, to work with.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Just curious, financials done?
I can't imagine the emotional toll that this is taking on you, but you are doing such an amazing job.
Kudos to you (and your L) for standing your ground when it comes to your boys. You won the major points b/c you are not trying to dictate, disobey the judges, dismiss your L's advice, etc.
That is why she is having a three-years-old tantrum! She is probably realizing that not only can she NO longer control you, but she also is not able to control all these judges!!! BooFuckingHoo!!!
As far as Christmas, etc. holidays can be whatever day YOU celebrate them. Yes, they are on specific dates on the calendar, but as I have learned, that does not mean that if you don't celebrate it on that date that you have lost that holiday. My DGD gets holidays with Mom, Dad and us. At 13 yrs old she LOVES it!! especially when presents are involved! The more celebrations for her, the better.
Any celebration with you will be special for your boys b/c it will be with YOU!!! YOU matter, not the date.
Sending more mojo for today.
My XW started running around with an old flame when our son was about 1 yr old. We divorced not long later and she married wonder boy 4 months later. She was/is a real piece of work. There's not the space to tell the whole story, but let me just tell you about our son.
She took him to another state 1000 miles away right after our divorce. After assuring me she wouldn't leave the area we lived in. I saw him 4 times in 3 years.
She moved back to my area and I saw him every Wed night for a few hours and every other weekend. It about killed me. But I never bad mouthed his mom and was always the reasonable one when she would pull her shit.
I provided him emotional support as best I could given the time I was "allowed" to spend with him.
When he was 15, he was riding his bike and was hit by a car going about 50 mph. Didn't know if we'd lose him or not. Had to open his skull up twice for surgery to repair the damage from the accident. When he was coming out of the coma, the Dr told us he would be combative. Head injuries do that to people. So when he started coming round, he was a handful, but I was there just helping him while his mom was putting on a show for everyone. The Dr and Nurse made comments to me after she left that they were glad I was there to truly help him. He was in ICU for a week and then rehab hospital for a couple weeks. Guess who was there EVERY DAY? Yep, me. Mom? When it fit her schedule.
He is now 31 years old and married. He has moved about 8 hours away for work. Guess who visits him as many times a year as he can? Guess who he looks to now for support? Guess who he calls all the time? He rarely talks with his mom. He can barely tolerate her. He will spend time at Christmas with her because he feels he has to, but as soon as he can, he leaves and comes to my house for a lot longer time. He goes on vacations with my current wife and I. One time right before he got married he and his now wife asked me what happened in our marriage. I didn't say anything bad about his mom, but through the conversation he figured it out on his own. He just said "everything is about her".
I know this was a long story to tell, but I wanted to give you some encouragement that it will get better. It took a long time, but he now understands who the "Rock" has always been in his life. Be the "Rock" for your kids. They'll figure it out eventually, if they haven't already. And you'll grow old with great kids at your side.
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
The fine detail has been added to the document so that there are no loop holes that can cause misinterpretation to her advantage. She failed in dictating my holiday weeks.
I am still reeling from spending nearly two days sitting next to the woman that still has my heart in her hands and yet she wishes I was dead for daring to fight for my children. She's now 7 months pregnant and blooming. Gru was pacing around outside like a proud lion protecting his trophy. She always enjoyed being pregnant and the triggers were immense. It hurts.
I've temporarily taken a 6 month backward step and now have to focus all the energy I used fighting to see my children into something useful and positive. I've been consumed with my end goal and getting fairness but I still don't feel that any of this is fair. I've gone as far as I can and can do no more.
I am confident that CSTBXWW will adhere to the court order. She has rigidly stuck to the old order to her detriment and she's always followed the law. I doubt very much that she will breach the order but I do know she won't ever give any more than that or be flexible despite the judge concluding that she ought to be.
I now have to hope that she will make a sensible counter offer to settle the finances otherwise we have to wait until the next hearing at the end of June. She would be mad to wait until then because she will be breastfeeding a new born, she will be getting little or no sleep and she will have to find the energy to go to court to explain why I should only have a two bedroom property with no garden and she should have a huge detached house.
I'm taking bets
Enjoy your victory over the crazy while you can. Hopefully the next battle will go just as well.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
((((aas)))) I can't begin to imagine how stressful and exhausting this week has been for you, hon. I hope you are able to be still for a while and catch your breath. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself, ok?
After a loss this big for her, and especially if the same judge is presiding over your financials, you would think that any 'sane' person would try to come to some kind of agreement through negotiations before trial commences. But with your ex I really do think all bets are off. She has perfected the art of cutting off her nose to spite her face and may well take this all the way. You've just got to stand strong for a little while longer aas, and get the best deal you can for you and your boys.
They are "I'll be happy if" statements.
I'll be happy if I have this...
I'll be happy if this happens...
I'll be happy if I can...
And the thing is, if she and Gru are so happy together, then why are there still ever more of these "I'll be happy if," moments? It speaks volumes that, after leaving to be with him, she has an unending series of "if" statements, and they are so desperately essential that she HAS to have them all.
Happy people don't waste their time and money like this, because happy people are content with what they have. You are fighting to regain some of the happiness that was stolen from you, yes...but considering she's the one who stole it, she sure seems to be awfully unhappy.
I know you're right. She can't be happy even though she professes it. Although, such a deluded person is probably also deluded when it comes to their choice to feel happy. No sane person would be happy...but she isn't sane.
From her crazy perspective written as her:
I am with a wonderful loving and caring man.
He has supported me through the most stressful year of my life. Without him I could not have got through this.
We are very much in love
I am pregnant with the most amazing miracle which cements our love
I live and work with the love of my life. I can spend all my time in his company.
I was successful in court because I managed to keep MY children from the bitter father for two thirds of their childhood.
I am the most important person in their life because I am giving them another sibling and they want to spend time with it.
Even the judge sees that.
The STBXH (me) is still angry and bitter and clearly still in love with me which confirms that I am a wonderful person.
My parents have stood by me and love Gru very much. They are excited about the new baby.
Anyone one who has not stood by me was never a real friend and doesn't deserve to be in my life.
This is why I will never get a sorry
[This message edited by allatsea at 6:44 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]
All you can do is focus upon being a great father and a good man.
Deal with her only on matters of your children and your divorce DECREE. If you must communicate with her, do it in text (140 characters which you save each and every message). When it comes to the decree, use your attorney.
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
I live and work with the love of my life. I can spend all my time in his company.
I didn't know she still worked with Gru. Man, that's going to erode their relationship quickly. Imagine that scenario, at home and at work, Gru constantly hearing CSTBXWW gripe about you. Sounds fitting.
You've got the custody arrangement in your favor, in writing, and now out of your way. Now you won't have to argue with her on this matter anymore in the future. If she tries to deviate from what is established, you can always refer to the decree and it can be a short argument from there. Put that perspective, those short arguements now affords you extra time, resources and less stress for more positive application to your kids. I got everything I wanted with regards to custody drawn up in my MSA and that was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulder, largely because now custody can no longer be used as a manipulation tool by my STBXW in our dealings.
I now have to hope that she will make a sensible counter offer to settle the finances otherwise we have to wait until the next hearing at the end of June
She already tested you to the extremes on the custody front, which I imagine was the matter most important to her in attempting to have your children blended with the Gru-ling for all their lives. However, in this long battle you stood your ground, stayed the course and prevailed in your custody rights. That was a hell of a fight!
I may be wrong, but perhaps this next half of the battle with the finances may not be as difficult. I think the advantage is on your side given the term of her pregnancy as you mentioned. I hope it goes your way here as well.