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User Topic: Guilt!! Help me be strong
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a brief history. See details in my story.
I been with my wife 14 years, married 6. We have an 11 year old son. We progressed through our carrees, built a new house, new cars, vacations, great son, great life, and so on.

She has always been my best friend. We were always a team.

10 months ago i learned she was having a year long heated, emotional, and physical affair with an old highschool friend. It started vis facebook.

During the affair she became cold, heartless and mean. I could not do anything right and she was gone all the time while i cared for our son.

On D day i was destroyed. I had to be medicated and many visits to therapy.

I thought we were in R for 6 months. We even went to MC.

I learned it was still going on. I was devastated. I cried and begged and she showed me absolutly no mercy.

Example: just one of many, i would beg her not to go see him. I would cry and she would say "thats not attractive. If i were to break it off with him, he wouldnt cry like that."

I moved out 3 months ago.

Now, as of about one month ago, she calls me begging and crying. Panicing snd so on. She beggs me to come home.

She tells me im destroying the marriage. That i can repair everything if i just let go.

She gives me a laundry list of all the things that make her sad regarding me leaving, yet still shows no remose for what she did or how i feel/felt.

She still locks her phone, does not disclose all details of the A, shows no empathy about my pain, and never rally ended the A properly. They stopped meeting and communicating. However, her last email to him stated that she would call him from time to time to "see how he is doing" and she told him she still had his house key "just in case".

With all that being said, WHY IS SHE ABLE TO CAUSE ME TREMENDOUS GUILT???

I want to move on. I have a lawyer. I do not want her. When i see her or hear her voice, i immediately get severe panic and anxiety.

Im working with a IC to move forward without her.

I just need some tips, words of wisdom, advice, strength, anything.

Im naturally not a weak person. I have a demanding job that requires mental and emotional strength. However, i just cant seem to block her guilting me and turning this around.

When i dont give in she gets mad and treats me like before. I cant deal with this.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry PRNDL. You know and so do all of us that she is blameshifting here--suddenly it is your fault the M is over? She is manipulating you. And no good partnership is built on manipulation and guilt. You are still processing everything, so of course this throws you for a loop. Forgive yourself for being affected by her tactics, but keep moving forward in IC and with the lawyer. Keep focusing on yourself. Remember that you deserve so much better.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3648 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard. But as you said, she is showing no remorse.

She is playing what i like to call "the dumb-zul in distress."

Let her stress.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 12:20 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The next time she calls you all panicky and crying, be sure to tell her that's not attractive. Then I would quietly hang up the phone and turn it off or unplug it. She is losing her security, and she doesn't like the feeling. Someone TRULY remorseful would not still be locking her phone, keeping the key to her AP's house or calling to check on him.

You are worth more than this. SHE DOENT DESERVE YOU!!!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt guilty at first too. That is because I was codependent and those feelings of being responsible for her were part of that codependency. She also encouraged that as well. Your WW sounds very much the same. The guilt is because you have yet to fully let go of responsibility over her actions. She puts it all on you and this is nothing new. Think back and you will undoubtedly realize how many times she made you feel guilty/responsible for other things.

Going NC is the best way to undo that conditioning. Email or text for anything related to finances and coparenting. Do not talk to her or see her. Period.

PRNDL, everything you shared that she said is all about how D will affect her. She only regrets her actions to the extent that they affected her. Otherwise they don't matter.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3651 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL, everything you shared that she said is all about how D will affect her. She only regrets her actions to the extent that they affected her. Otherwise they don't matter.

Yep. Its all about her. She isnt talking about NOTHING unless she is owning her shyt. Otherwise she may as well sound like that teacher from peanuts....womp-womp-womp-womp-womp


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((PRNDL))

I'm so sorry. What she's putting you through is horribly selfish and painful. Her behavior now only underscores the fact that she simply isn't capable of caring for you in the way you deserve. And you can't change that about her, you can only take steps to protect yourself.

You feel guilt because you MEANT your vows. You meant forever, you meant til death do us part. You promised to spend the rest of your life loving her, and the idea of that not happening feels like a failure. Not just marital failure, it feels like a personal failure. Like somehow you should have been able to see this coming and avert the disaster. Like if you had just tried harder, or somehow "been better", this wouldn't be happening.

I totally get this.... I felt the exact same way. The key is that you have accept that you and your WW were not involved in the same marriage. You were in a marriage that meant honesty, commitment, fidelity, and forever. She was in a marriage that included lying, cheating, deception, and selfishness of the highest order. But here's the thing.... the fact that HER part of it was a total sham does not make your part of it any less real.

To put it another way, imagine the two of you are in a rowboat trying to make it to shore. There is a small hole in the boat. You are alternately rowing as hard as you can, and bailing as fast as you can. Meanwhile, she is bailing water INTO the boat whenever you aren't looking. She's also shoving her high heel into the hole and making it bigger. Guess what? The boat goes down. And now she's mad at you.

Don't buy into it. You rowed as hard as you could. You bailed as fast as you could. You did everything that was in your power to do. What you needed to keep that boat afloat was her help. And she didn't give it. Instead she sabotaged it, and made sure it sank. How is ANY of this your fault?

You loved with your whole heart.
You meant your vows.
You rowed and bailed your ass off.
You have no need to feel guilty.
YOU DID ALL YOU COULD.



Sending hugs and strength.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 659 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You gave her 6 months longer than she deserves. You destroyed nothing. You even gave her a chance to repair what she destroyed, and she took it as a chance to break it further. She destroyed it.

You didn't throw everything away because of a stupid affair, she did.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, as of about one month ago, she calls me begging and crying. Panicing snd so on. She beggs me to come home.

I think as the above posters have said, you need to go NC with her, don't pick up the phone and talk about personal things. Kids and finances or not at all. And let her go to voicemail, don't pick up the phone....let her email or text only. If it is not about finances or kids you don't answer....crickets.

None of this is your fault. I know it is tempting to finally hear from the person who destroyed us in hopes that they may finally be "getting it". But from what you wrote she has not gotten anything....she is just panicking. Its called hoovering also to get you to come back when it all starts getting too "real" to them.

Until or unless she gives total transparency and shows total remorse you should not be talking to her in person or on the phone. Good luck because I know it is very hard at first to hold firm.


Posts: 5607 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
BrooklynLove
♀ Member
Member # 41800
Angry  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This woman is really something . I would guarantee that she realized that the relationship with the AP was not going anywhere so she ended it. Do not play her game and file for divorce and have her served it will wake her up quick. My WH also use to make me feel guilty when he was the one that cheated. Do the 180 and keep your contact to a minimum. She needs to know you mean business. I can't believe you WW .


Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on


Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the advice. I trully needed to read this. I keep reading your posts over and over and over. Thank you for sparing strength for me

[This message edited by PRNDL at 4:51 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow she's really good...in a bad way. Manipulation master. Be strong Prindl..she's panicking because your her security blanket. She can't have it both ways, she's proven herself time and time again. You have zero to feel guilty about. You have been more patient than most.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
UneasyFeelings
♂ Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bro, I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation.

You 2 built 14 yrs together. It's going to be hard to let her go. You've been by her side all those years, it's going to freak you out. But you know what, you also have 14 yrs of experience with her too. You know when she's bullshitting now. You know what she's capable of doing and destroying.

I don't see how you're handling the child.

But do you really want to be around a woman that supposedly love you, treating you this badly?

As they say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

It's been 18 days since my D-Day. She tried to contact make the next day after I left to get me back, yet full of some other guy's jizz. I may have made a horrible mistake of caving in on the 2nd day of her contacts and responded. I heard everything I wanted to hear and got weak.

She claims to think it every day, yet I see her doing other shit like nothing is wrong. She's cried and tried to win my mind back, but I feel it's not 100% genuine.

Even though I am back and an attempting to make it work, despite what she did, I'm not 100% in, but at least I'm not 100% out like I was when I originally left.

Sounds like your wife is a major bitch. I know at least deep down, my wife does have a good heart. One of those qualities I loved her for, until she crushed mine.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 13

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