Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: BellaBoo (44915)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trigger question
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of support do you get, and what do you need from your ws when you're triggered?

What I usually get is fear-based responses from my wh - avoidance, complete silence, uneasiness, etc, followed by anger, defensiveness, and frustration. He usually just left me alone because he can't take my crazies anymore. So he basically abandoned me.

What I need is understanding, support, attentiveness and care. Someone who is present and is willing to help me get through the storm. I'm curious because I have never had that. The most positive experience that I have had was the one time he kept quiet (albeit uncomfortable) instead of yelling, arguing with me. I remembered because it only happened once and I thanked him for it.

What has been your experience? Is my expectation too high or otherwise unrealistic?

Thanks in advance.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 2:52 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After dday1, I got defensiveness, avoidance... Now, I get asked, "is this a mad trigger or a sad trigger?" So he knows whether to hug or let me have a second. He's actually starting to see what stimuli causes which trigger as it's happening, and be able to respond appropriately. Has he read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"? I HIGHLY recommend it.

It is hard for them to look squarely at the damage they have caused. I still get the occasional defensiveness (hard habit to break).


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, steadfast. It's great to hear that your husband cares enough to be there for you instead of running for cover like my wh. He has the book and claimed to have read it, but I'm not sure what he got out of it. He buys a lot of books, more than me, but his behaviour remains pretty much the same.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 11:04 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been completely open about what you need and how his responses can make all the difference in your R? And when you've said it, have you said it again and AGAIN?! I don't think you can say it too much!

This has been an issue for us. My H, who I think it making great efforts in working on R, does get defensive often, esp when I'm shouting at him. I have repeatedly told him that when he pulls away, it's worse. I feel abandoned. Like I'm shouting in the dark and that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says he doesn't know what to do in those situations. And frankly I don't know what he's supposed to do every time, but I need to see that he's trying, that he's taking an emotional risk, and yes that might result in him hearing some nasty things, but all my anger stems from incredible hurt and I'm in pain. He needs to show me that he can help me carry this incredible burden that he's put upon me.

Our MC told him that he should do the opposite of his instinct (which is to run away), that he needs to "turn in" instead of "turn away." He's made some good progress recently, talking me down off the ledge so to speak, but he's definitely not perfect and just the other day he admitted to deliberately trying to hurt me by walking away from me.

It's hard to empathize and admit that R is hard on FWS's, but this emotional roller coaster we're on of course affects them too. I try to dig down deep and feel some compassion for him (when it's available!) and imagine what it must be like for him. But that compassion has to be mutual and your H should be showing you the support you need. You are not unrealistic in your expectations at all.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014
Chefj9
♀ Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm finding as more time passes, that I'm the one having a hard time expressing myself to my H when I trigger. It's part of the issues we have with communication. But when I do let him know, or he sees it happening he tries to comfort me, take me away from the situation (if we're some where that caused the trigger). He is patient, doesn't lose his temper or get defensive. He actively tries to be aware of things that might trigger me and steers me clear. For instance, if something on TV is about infidelity or a character on a show has the same name as one of the OW, he changes the channel immediately.

He is determined to heal me, heal himself and says that he will never run out of patience. You're expectations are not too high and definitely not unrealistic.

What does he say when you express your needs about this?


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 470 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chef - same here. I seem to clam up now (doesn't happen that much any more) but he knows when its happening and pushes me to express my feelings. Then I'm torn between speaking out or letting it pass because we have covered it already. He said when I don't talk about it HE feels pushed out - so its all good.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses!

veronique, your husband sounds like he gets it, that's great! Yes, I do feel abandoned when he completely ignores me by occupying himself with chores (that can be done later).

I need to see that he's trying, that he's taking an emotional risk, and yes that might result in him hearing some nasty things, but all my anger stems from incredible hurt and I'm in pain. He needs to show me that he can help me carry this incredible burden that he's put upon me.

Agreed. It has not been my experience that he is willing to help me even though I and our MC have made it explicitly clear when he needs to do. But the reality is, he doesn't do it. However, there is progress because he doesn't immediately shout back at me anymore.

You are not unrealistic in your expectations at all.

Thanks for your affirmation.

Chefj9, I'm glad your husband is there for you and is willing to help! And for affirming that my expectations are not too high nor unrealistic.

What does he say when you express your needs about this?

He said sorry afterwards, will try better next time, etc. But nothing changes. What he says or writes and what he does are very different.

KatieG, sounds like your husband is helping you through it too, it's great to hear.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old habits die hard. Tell him you need him more than the chores do.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, steadfast, I did. But it's easier to deal with the chores than with a triggering BW. And he is all about doing what is easy.

It is what it is.

I realized that what I had hope for is not reality-based but fantasy-based, very much like his affairs. Ironic but true. I can only make changes when I accept reality as it is, not what I hope it to be.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for more input, thanks!


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lemony.2008,
In MC yesterday, we talked a lot about my anger issues. MC was very helpful in explaining that I need to break down the emotion of "anger" into subcategories. That WH might understand the "anger" better if it is better described.

MC wrote:
Anger at the top of page and drew lines to the following:
Hopelessness
Sadness
Frustration
Disappointment
Hurt
Helplessness

She encouraged me to come up with more subcategories, which I am trying to do (maybe others on the forum can help with more subcategories)

Today is one month from d-day for me. Yesterday was a good day, today not so good. I decided today is sad. My WH understood that term so much better than "angry". It also makes me feel better to know that my "anger" is actually something else. I hate being "angry". Hope this helps in a small way. It did for me, and now I give myself permission to have a sad day.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add to my own list of anger subcategories:

Deceived
Remorseful
Empty


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add to my own list of anger subcategories:

Deceived
Remorseful
Empty
confused
Anxious
Beaten


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mhiimg65, thanks for sharing!

As I am pretty much alone in my healing, I try to help myself as much as I can. I've learned a lot in recognizing what I'm feeling. BTW, you're doing very well being 1 month since dday!

My situation is that my wh is not there for me when I trigger, even though it has been spelled out pretty clear what is needed by me and MC.

It's nice to see many wh's are willing to help their bw's through a rough patch, I think it'd help so much in healing the relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this thread anymore, I guess it's just confirmation that my expectations are not too high and that my wh is not willing to help.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.