You need to really think if the financials are worth your sacrifice.
[This message edited by naivegirl at 10:05 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]
D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Working on Re
B. I don't want to be with anyone else. I also do not want to hold him back. It must really suck for him too.
I feel like no matter what I lose. I guess at least one of us deserves to be happy.
I hope you can find your way. I know autism is hard for parents and the Children... But with the right support you and they can be happy. Your WH is using all these circumstances to get everything he wants and nothing for you...
Have you thought about what the impact on your Children is if their mother becomes severely depressed due to all of the stress and unhappiness? It isn't selfish to take care of yourself. You have to in order to care for your children. Autism does not blind children to their parents feelings - for some it is heightened.
We are here for you....
SadInNC = North Carolina :/
His words are poison
It's not a question of me deserving happiness. I do deserve it. I'm not going to get it. I honestly think he was the one person in the world for me, and I know people say that but I really believe that it's true in our case. Just to give an example, I was a out and proud lesbian when I met him. I didn't fall in love with him for looks, I fell in love with him as a person and my soul mate regardless of the fact that he was the wrong gender. So if we break up, I will most likely be alone anyway. So I only have that to look forward to. So I came here to get it all out because I can't put this out there to my friends and/or family who will judge us no matter what we decide to do.
HOWEVER.. NO ONE with any credibility says that an open marriage can work if either party is forced, enticed, or manipulated into it, or if it's opened in secret.
You want my advice? File for divorce and do the 180. If he loves you, he'll do what he needs to, to earn you back. If not, nothing will work anyway.
My XWW started in 2011 trying very hard to get my permission to open our marriage and she had a specific person in mind. I fought it tooth and nail and she eventually gave up on it. (I believe what happened is that she got tired of the guy and I would be very surprised if she didn't secretly sleep with him. But I had myself convinced that she was trying to do things honestly at the time, so I let it be rugswept...)
I wish that I had just filed back then. Either I'd be further along in my healing now, or stuff would have gotten fixed.
You can't trust him.
Then I glanced at his phone when a text message came through..."love you baby"... So he wants to try an open marriage.
This isn't an 'open marriage', this is your H cheating. He's got a girlfriend, but he wants you around.You need to make some real decisions. Is there someone else that could help with childcare while you finish school?
You may love him, but is that enough? Is that enough to let him kill your spirit, your belief system, your sanity? What kind of example is this for the children?
I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. Your H is nothing more than a cheater.
Life is too short for you to throw it away. If your daughter wanted to do this would you encourage it?
He really makes me mad. What a selfish piece of shit.
Your kids are tough. My parents just had a D because my father was a WH having many As. There are many things you can do to adjust the budget to make it work alone. It wont be great, but it's possible.
An open marriage takes 2 people on the same page, meaning if he was really thinking about it he is allowing you (not saying you would)to have lovers as well. He does not understand the concept of an open marriage, its just the first dumb thing he said when caught. Again.
I do think that its really hard when you think everything is going well, life is good, kids are good yet you still have a WS who is a cake eater (I think I have one as well)and yet you as the BS now have to figure out what it is that YOU want. What will you settle with or what will you demand?
And I think it just takes some time to digest that this happened again. To get to the reality of it for you. When you get to that point, whenever that is, I think you will be ready to do whats right for you.
I would suggest if you have not done it yet is to get IC just for you....even if you stay with him....I think it is so hard for a BS to have no support and I think this would be something that helps you as you go along the way.
When I was in nursing school for my ADN I was allowed to take the NCLEX-PN after I finished the first year. Call your state board of nursing and ask them if that is an option for you as every state is different. I worked agency for that final year of getting my associate. Please keep in mind that nurses with associates are having a hard time getting hired so start doing your research about jobs now. Chamberlain's RN-BSN is expensive but a great program because it is all online with no clinicals needed for RN's. I was able to get my BSN in one year. Do not make rash decisions that will leave you and your children financially struggling. I know it is hard but being a single mom with kids with disabilities and having a cheating husband that you are in love with is harder. I am in school for my MSN-FNP now because I need to be financially independent if he ever decides to walk away. Sometimes you have to play the game. Do not update him about your schooling, do the 180 and know that this too shall pass.
BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (3 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on
But, given the kids and the circumstances, I don't think you should rush to a decision either. I do think you should consult with an atty and see what he advises, what CS would be, and what the potential benefits and deficits could arise if you follow this course. Find out how to best proceed to leave you and the kids in the best possible position, should you call it quits - or should he decide to leave you. Right now he says he doesn't want a D, but 11 years ago he vowed to be faithful. He changed his mind and worse he demonstrated that he is willing to lie to you and go behind your back to get what he wants. You can not and should not rely on his "self-awareness" or future "self-discoveries" to protect you or your children.
I know you think he is being honest, but I don't think either of you are truly in a position to know that. Part of the need for these A's may be the thrill, the excitement of sneaking, which won't be there if everything is in the open. And if you live in an open marriage - and he is pursuing emotional A's - he may decide he "loves" someone else more, or is tired of the demands of family etc., or just can't stand to see you moping...and you may find yourself on the receiving end of D, another reason to discover now the lay of the land financially.
In other words, whatever you do - given the circumstances, I think you need to prepare for a future without him. If that is schooling to financially survive in the future, I get that. A mama bear does what she needs to do. I'd make sure whatever loans you take in the future for school have both your names on them - He is going to benefit down the road financially for all your hard work - the least he can do is take on his legal share of that debt in the future. You are tolerating his needs - he'll need to contend with yours. You want to be sure you are apprised, and have copies of retirement accounts, investments, life insurance and that they provide for you.
You seriously need to consider intimacy as a danger - emotionally for sure, but physically too - to protect yourself. You are a nursing student - enough said.
And please, please, please, get into IC. You are going to need support, goals, time limits, coping mechanisms, and frequent reality checks if you pursue this course. Loving and committing to someone, giving up your world for "the one," only to find that he can't or won't be faithful, is going to suck your soul dry. If you are going to pay that price - be absolutely certain that your financial ass is cover!
Please let go of that idea. He's just a guy.
Ditto to what scarednbroken said. An open marriage isn't going to work... he'll be happy, you'll be miserable. So you really need to consider the ramifications of this... If WS is really serious that HE needs many women in his life, and YOU need monogamy and commitment, then..... you are not a good match... I know that's scary to think about. Maybe couples counseling can help you both come to a comfortable place either together or apart.
When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!