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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Lost and confused...
mal2006
♀ Member
Member # 42296
Helpless  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm glad I found this place because I need to vent. First, my WH and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8. We were HS sweethearts, together since we were 17.
Around the beginning of December my WH started to come home talking about this new girl at work. Some other coworker had supposedly done something to the new girl and he was relaying the story to me. I told him right off the bat that I thought it was strange for him to be talking about another girl as he never really talks about the girls at work. Didn't really think much of it then as he was just "telling a story" about work. Then he mentioned her again and I told him "I know you are talking to this girl alone and that is inappropriate, I want you to stop talking to her completely unless you have to say something about WORK." He agreed from the first time I said anything that he would NEVER talk to her unless they needed to communicate about something work related. So, when he mentioned her YET AGAIN I decided to look her up on facebook. By this time there was already a post about her on that topix website talking about how she is messing with some married man at work while she is married w/a baby. So I find her on facebook and realize this girl is cute and ONLY 19 YEARS OLD! (We are 28) Again, I tell my WH that I know SOMETHING is going on between them, I don't know if it's just talking or physical or what but its SOMETHING. 3 days after Christmas I looked at the history on his phone and he had been looking at this post about her on topix. I confronted him and he told me that she had showed it to him because her phone was dead. At that point I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they had been alone together and that something was going on. I kicked him out and continued to watch this topix post to see if other information was brought to light. He also decided to get on there and defend himself (pretty fruitlessly I might add as every time he said something someone would pretty much bust him out over something else, which he would say was just another lie). This went on for a few days and he finally had me convinced that these were just people at work trying to start drama, it happens all the time, he must have just pissed someone off, blah blah blah. I believed him, I told myself that he would never have done something like this to me. Then he mentioned that she quit and that brought up those thoughts briefly but I pushed them back down thinking I didn't want to mess up my relationship by accusing him over and over of doing something that he wasn't. That was at the beginning of Jan. A week or so goes by and a new post pops up that is titled his name! So I go to read it and the person is saying how dishonest he is and how I deserve better, calling us both by name so I know they MUST know something. I started communicating with them on the post and gave them an anon Facebook account that I used to use for games, they then added me and I gave them my number to call and talk. I answer the phone and it's a girl of course, she begins to tell me what she knows. My WH had slept with her a year ago and she had wanted to tell me but didn't (she was also 19 at the time, my WH would have been just about to turn 27), and the only reason she was now is because he was doing it again. She told me her name and the name of *you guessed it* the "new girl" from work! I get off the phone with her and confront my WH, I had been taking notes while talking to OW #1 so I knew exactly what to ask him about and have some modicum of proof when he tried to deny it. Which is exactly what he did at first. He finally admitted to sleeping with OW #1 and I said "and you've done it again, when?" He says "December" and I say "with *new girl*?" And he nodded yes. I flipped out, slapped him, cursed him out, told him I hated him, told him to get out, the whole 9 yards. That's been 2 weeks ago now and he has since been nothing but remorseful, affectionate, he pleads with me not to leave him and seems sincere that he wants to be with me. I feel I must mention that until Feb 2013 I had a serious drinking problem (sober almost a year now, sooo close!!) so the first A happened during that time (Nov 2012). He and OW #1 both say they slept together one time and that was the only thing that happened. Now, during the most recent A, I was working during the day and going to school in a city about an hour away each night (and I am still doing those things). So since Sept 2013 basically I have been gone from sun up to sun down. He works nights. We never see each other but before we even got ourselves into this we talked about the fact that it would be difficult but it would only last a year and we could do ANYTHING for a year right?! Anyway, over these past 2 weeks he has divulged practically every detail of A #2, they did not sleep together but they did do other things, kissing, talking dirty, and he "fingered" her once for a few minutes. And he told her he loved her which she did not reciprocate. They only ever saw each other at work, I've scoured the phone bills and they never talked outside of work. I'm not sure how to feel because I love him more than life itself and would do anything for him; I believe he is sincere when he says he wants to be with me an that he loves me. He says he never really loved her he just got caught up in the excitement of it and he was so lonely with me gone all the time, but he did like her because she "was nice to him". He also says he told her the day before she quit that he was working things out with me and that he was done with whatever they had going on. I believe that as well because HER husband reached out to me to see if she had been truthful and he told me she said she quit because "she would be tempted to continue talking to him (my WH)". So with that being said, I believe what he has told me now about both A's and I believe that he loves me and wants to be with me and make our marriage work. I believe that he ended both A's on his own and obviously without having been really caught (even though I was accusing him all during A #2), but now I struggle with how to believe that he won't do this again? It seems like now this is how he "copes" with problems in our marriage and the fact that both OW were only teenagers tells me that he is immature since that's what he sought out. I've flipped out several times over that fact too, but he says that he didn't know how old they were until after because he just assumed they were my age. They DO look around my age because I take care of myself. I'm a clean-eating vegetarian and I work out very regularly. I've been told SEVERAL times that I look 20-22. And in that is another confusing thing for me; I freakin' love myself lol! Never once during this have I thought these OW were better than me or that they have something I don't because I KNOW they don't. My WH says the same thing, he wasn't that physically attracted to either of them, they were just there when he was lonely or hurt by me. I guess the only thing they had over me was simply that, they were THERE and I wasn't. I feel like I have now rambled on long enough, I guess I just needed to vent to others who are in my situation and just ask: How do I get over this? How do I allow myself to believe his promise that he will NEVER do this to me again? Also, I did not make him quit his job because OW #2 is no longer there, but everyone knows about it. I came to visit him the other night after school and when I left a coworker asked him, "If you have THAT at home, why were you talking to OW?" I tell myself not to care what other people think of me and my choice to stay with my WH at least for now, but it's so hard to go see him at work knowing everyone is looking at me knowing my WH wasn't faithful. How do I deal with all this? Help!

It's now been several hours since I first posted this and WH and I had an ok day but have been fighting for most of the night now. He is always tired from work and doesn't want to talk when I need him to talk to me. I had known before this that women had asked him for his number at work and that he had declined saying he was married, so I had to ask him "How many of these women walked away and left you thinking 'I wish I wasn't married so I could have a night with her.'?" He then told me there was only one he could think of that he was attracted to. I asked him what he was thinking and he said something along the lines of wishing girls like that would have talked to him in HS, as in before he met me. So I said "I talked to you in HS, what the hell is wrong with me?" And he of course says nothing is wrong with me and he didn't mean it like that but WHAT ELSE CAN THAT MEAN?! I asked him what is wrong with me that when I will do whatever he wants sexually he feels the need to experience other people? Now I am starting to feel like I'm not good enough. I just can't understand any of this.

[This message edited by mal2006 at 9:44 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]


Me: BW 27
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2014
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice because I'm new here also but I just wanted you to know your post has been read. I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((((Hugs))))


BS (me) 28
WH (him) 28
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 8 1\2 years
Together for 10 1\2
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
mal2006
♀ Member
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I appreciate it. This has to be the most pain/confusion/sadness I have ever felt in my life.


Me: BW 27
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey mal2006. So sorry you are hear. I'm running out the door, but wanted to welcome you to 42000 of your new best friends. Didn't get a chance to read all of your story but wanted you to start by checking in the healing library in upper left corner. Read up on 180. You can find it in the threads here in Judt Found Out. Weekends are slow around here but others will be along shortly. I'll check back in later.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
mal2006
♀ Member
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yearsofpain25

Thank you I will check that out


Me: BW 27
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also check out tactical primer in this just found out section too. Anything with a target


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't that concept crazy? That you can be with someone, not because you find them attractive, but because they were just THERE. My FWH did that for years--according to him. It is very hard to understand. In fact, I know I will never understand it, so I have stopped trying.

Your WH, like lot of ours, is a damaged person. If you way him to be a safe person to be M'd to, you must insist that he do the work to figure out what is wrong with him and to make it right. He should go to IC, read books, and agree to do whatever else you need to feel safe with him. Keep reading here, there is a lot to learn and lots of good advice and support!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
mal2006
♀ Member
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is a ridiculous concept. Why would you risk a 10 year relationship for a "downgrade"? I just don't understand. And yes, I feel that something is obviously damaged for him to be galavanting around with teenaged girls and acting like a teenager himself when he's almost 30 years old. I know I am going to have to insist on IC and MC.


Me: BW 27
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2014
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just out of curiosity, does your husband manage a restaurant? And these girls were servers?

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
mal2006
♀ Member
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cissi

No, he works in retail and these girls were just coworkers in the same position as him.


Me: BW 27
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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