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User Topic: WH started cheating before wedding
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to find some other people in a similar situation. I just recently found out WH started cheating on me shortly before he proposed to me and continued on and off with infidelities with multiple women. Dday occured when we had been married 3 years after I found out from a stranger on FB that WH had been unfaithful.

I just feel like we are in a unique situation. He did not have an EA with any of the OW (7 as far as I know with his TT) and he did not have intercourse with any of them. Just short term sexting, some kissing and two OW that gave him BJs. (This is based on what he has admitted thus far... which I take with a grain of salt). Yes, "sex addiction" has been suggested by his IC and our first MC although they seem to be hesitant to put that label on him. I really do not want to get a divorce (for several reasons- although none of those reasons have to do with wanting to be with HIM) but I honestly don't know that I will ever be able to be happy in this marriage. I don't think I can forgive him for dooping me into this marriage and lying to me for 4 years.

WH is very remorseful and, other than the TT, seems to be doing everything he can to keep our marriage intact. SI has helped me a lot, but it's hard sometimes when my situation seems different from the majority of people here. I know there is no right answer to the question "what should I do/" but I was hoping there were others on here that might have a similar situation that can share their struggles and progress?!?


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... So sorry to read that.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 354 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, you are not alone. My WH was messing with some girl while we were on a break (as BF and BG) and "caught feelings." Then he asked me to marry him...but still kept the break chick as his "girl friend."

I will never understand why they got married if they wanted to mess around. Be it with one chick or many.

Why do ppl play with marriage all willy nilly?


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. Mine also was cheating for our entire 7 year relationship. Mostly EA's at first, but then PAs after our DS was born. His was progressive. First it was "Well, this isn't hurting anyone because it's not real" concerning online EA's.

My biggest struggles are with many "why's" because of our situation. I was clear cheating was a deal breaker so why date me? Why propose? Why marry? Why go through fertility treatments to have our DS? The list of why never ends.

My progress, well, I just started PTSD therapy. He's been in IC and we did some MC. I found MC hasn't really helped because we had/have too many issues to work through individually first.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here and have experienced this.

My H cheated once prior to M and then did the majority of his cheating the first 5 years of M (he was the kind who felt guilty, tried to stop, then "fell off the wagon" etc) he managed to have a few faithful years here and there.

I found out in year 19 of our M. We now are at 25 years M.

feel free to contact me if you like.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD- I know why my H got married.. because I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he wanted to keep me in his life while also messing around :( Selfish does not begin to describe their actions. Are you and your WH in R?

HeartInADustPan- Ugh, I hear you! My H can still recall (almost verbatim) a conversation we had when we first started dating where I told him I can forgive many things but I do not tolerate lying. My H knows that the lying part of all of this is what I struggle with the most. I feel the same way as you about MC. We started with a MC at first but I had no desire to "make things work" with my WH so I didn't see the point of MC. We are now seeing a new MC but the sessions have been rough because each session starts with a TT from WH. I hope the PTSD therapy helps you. We have to keep going for the kids :)

It upsets me that he ruined what could have been a great marriage before it even started. And it makes me very angry when he talks about how we can be happy and have a strong marriage again. What do you mean "again"? You were cheating on me and hiding the "real you" from me the entire time! That wasn't a marriage.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GraceIsGood- Thank you for your post. I have many questions I would like to ask you but I am not able to personal message you. Within the first year of finding out, did you struggle with whether or not you wanted to R or D? How long did it take you to decide you truly wanted to R? What did your husband do to prove he was deserving of R after years (and the depth) of betrayal?

Like everyone on SI, I want to be happy and I truly feel like I will be happier in the long run if I D, but I haven't taken the step to file for D yet. Honestly, right now I am staying for the kids (2 year old son and currently pregnant). I think my WH is also the type of guy who felt guilty, tried to stop, then "fell off the wagon", and was too proud to ask for help. I used to see him as a very patient and calm person but now that I see the real person under all of his brokenness I realize that he just compartmentalized all of his frustrations/stress/anger and the cheating (mostly sexting) was a very unhealthy coping mechanism during very stressful points in his life. Over time, I have come to better understand just how much this is about him and not about me.

Part of me aknowledges that I will, eventually, be able to let go of some of the pain and anger I feel. Maybe then I will want to R? The question I keep coming back to is, "how can he possibly be faithful for the next 40 years of our lives if you couldn't be faithful for less than a year when we were dating?" The answer lies within whether or not he is able and willing to tackle his brokenness. I don't know if I want to sit around for a few more years waiting to see if I can forgive him and if he can actually be faithful.

How did you get to the point of forgiveness? How long did it take you?


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD- I know why my H got married.. because I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he wanted to keep me in his life while also messing around :( Selfish does not begin to describe their actions. Are you and your WH in R?

No, we arent in R. The 2nd dday was just last week. So I have implemented the 180...and he has too really....although inadvertedly...so it works.

Right now, Im on the struggle bus (I prefer that vs limbo). I was in the back of it...I have moved to the middle seats now.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate! WH was talking to a woman behind my back the first 6 months of our relationship. They flirted, talked about sex, and talked about being attracted to each other. They met and "pecked on the lips" once after we were engaged. *He claims she was engaged too which is why they ended their friendship and the kiss was a goodbye kiss*

Then 2 years later, after 6 month of marriage, I caught him talking to an older COW about sex on facebook messages. They didn't send pics or full on cybersex but there was a lot of talk about how they liked it (she said hard, he said slow and easy) and talk about letting her get hers before he got his. Crap like that. He also asked if she was sweet on him and if she was cool with him talking to her like that.

This sort of cheating is wrong all the way around but it's also very borderline. I've never know him to physically cheat or have a full on EA (say I love you) but I feel like he strayed and he has been since the very beginning.

I also got accused of doing the things he did plus more during our relationship. It's one big mind fuck. Pardon my language.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're here, HOH.

You are not alone. My WH also started cheating before we were married and there are some parallels with our stories.

With OW1, it began as an EA that lasted roughly 2.5 years and progressed to a PA shortly after the birth of our first son. That lasted for about 2 years on and off, ending after I found his underground phone (when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with our second son). I call it an EA for the first 2.5 years because there was no physical contact, but it was flirting, sexting, etc. WH claims he never told OW1 he loved her, never planned on leaving me, and viewed her purely as a FWB. The texts between them back up his account.

He had EAs with OW2, 4, and 5. Again, flirting, sexting, etc. The ultimate goal for him with all of them were FWB relationships, but they didn't pan out for one reason or another.

He has a short term PA with OW3; they had sex 3 times.

He also had a major porn problem, of which I was completely unaware.

I've repeatedly asked WH why the F did he marry me? He maintains that he loved me and still does and never wants to be without me. I counter that while he may have felt love towards me, he didn't really love me when he was lying, cheating, and betraying me. WH says it's not that simple as he is a master compartmentalizer and, for him, his life with me was completely separate and independent of his As. The OW knew nothing about his family, other than the fact that we exist. He really believed he could keep these two lives separate indefinitely.

Since Dday, WH has been NC with all of the OW, has been completely transparent, seems remorseful, and wants to R. He is also seeing two ICs - one a CSAT. But like you, I think like he conned me into marrying him by pretending to be something he isn't. Even if he follows through and does all the "work", I don't know if I can forgive him. I don't know if I want to forgive him. Our entire marriage was based on lies and deception. That shit sandwich might just be too big for me to choke down. I'm nearly 6 months out from Dday and still have no idea if I'm headed towards R or D.

I completely empathize with your turmoil, HOH. And, again, I'm sorry for your pain.


Me: BS
Him: WS

Posts: 72 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I am so sorry. Yes, this is all about him and his brokenness, not about you. If he has done all this (and I doubt there was no actual sex--sorry, it just seems unlikely ) then there is a LOT of IC ahead for him before--if--he can ever be trusted again. If his attitude is unwaveringly remorseful, never blameshifting, R may have a chance, but it is just too soon to tell. I'm in a different situation but FWIW my exWBF was also compartmentalizing and had a lot of suppressed resentment and insecurity; he said he would try to fix the issues, and just kept lying, because they were so deep-rooted. Only you know him and can gauge his sincerity and if it is even enough to make you want to stay. As you say--this is a lot to forgive. He knowingly put you in a terrible situation. You are quite right when you say you were the best thing that ever happened to him and he was being selfish, and you absolutely deserve so much more.

Have faith that you will get it one day even as you are stuck in this holding pattern now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 2050 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, "sex addiction" sure is an easy label to slap on anyone to justify their behavior.

I think the correct term would be "serial cheater."

Some people are only as honest as their options, and your husband is one of those people. I actually know quite a few men just like him - they're serial cheaters and sleazy opportunists at best - but not 'sex addicts.' That's just a convenient label tons of men are slapping on themselves nowadays to absolve themselves from blame. Kind of like, 'the devil made me do it..it wasn't me.' Pffft.

I don't believe for one second you've been given the truth. What you've received is a watered-down, almost g-rated version of what he's really done. Cheaters will ONLY admit to what they absolutely, positively HAVE to - and even THEN it's like getting blood from a stone. I mean come on...he'd really have you believe that he spent time sexting and flirting and building up sexual tension with all kinds of different women that he obviously found attractive - and when he got together face to face with them, all he did was kiss them and a couple of them were so grateful for his presence that they happily gave him a BJ and sent him on his way?

Ugh.

I'd so strap this guy into a polygraph tester's chair and watch him squirm.

You've only seen and heard the TIP of the iceberg, HoldOnHope. For what it's worth, I was married to someone JUST like your husband about 30 years ago. A serial cheater who cheated on me EVERY STEP OF THE RELATIOSHIP, just like you. Before we got engaged, after we got engaged, before we got married, and after we got married.

Like your husgand, he took whatever sleazy opportunity came his way just to get himself a little strange, and actually felt that his side activity was HIS business alone and had nothing to do with me and our marriage. But he didn't try to lie and claim he hadn't had sex with them because he knew better than to try and give me a ridiculous story like that.

But your husband is still lying through his teeth, so be prepared for many more days/weeks/months of trickle truth.

Please book yourself an appt at your gyn for a full STD screening. These guys will lie on their own children's lives so trust me when I tell you that they'll lie to your face and tell you that you don't need an STD screening.

You do. I promise, you do.

In your situation, what did I do 30 years ago? I left him, and never looked back. Best decision I ever made.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fireflies

He maintains that he loved me and still does and never wants to be without me. I counter that while he may have felt love towards me, he didn't really love me when he was lying, cheating, and betraying me. WH says it's not that simple as he is a master compartmentalizer and, for him, his life with me was completely separate and independent of his As.

^^^we've had the same conversation..

That shit sandwich might just be too big for me to choke down. I'm nearly 6 months out from Dday and still have no idea if I'm headed towards R or D.
Exactly!! I hate limbo. I'm the type of person who usually makes a decision and goes through with the decision immediately. Limbo is driving me crazy!


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
phillygirl
♀ Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone.

My XWH cheated on me off and on throughout our entire relationship...while we dated, while engaged, during marriage. Different women, some pre-dated me!

I think the main unique thing about a situation like that, is you know 100% that the cheating has zero to do with you or your relationship. There is no way to twist it so that even a half of one percent in the BS fault to own since the cheating "always" existed.

Also, IMHO, something like this is a huge, big fat red flag that one should cut their losses and run.

Cheating like this, throughout the entirety of the relationship, leaves you with no foundation. There are no "good" years to lean on or go back to. The WS lied and cheated when things were supposed to be good, when he should have been still wooing you. What will happen years later when there is a death, illness or job loss in the family?

Just something to consider.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2005
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating like this, throughout the entirety of the relationship, leaves you with no foundation. There are no "good" years to lean on or go back to. The WS lied and cheated when things were supposed to be good, when he should have been still wooing you. What will happen years later when there is a death, illness or job loss in the family?

I totally agree with this. It's hard to come to terms with but it is what it is. You can't have a marriage without trust and if there has never been an opportunity for trust to be built....well...


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird and NeverAgain, I agree that he very likely had sex and just isn't telling me. Some days I just want to believe him when he says he didn't, but I've had enough TT now to know I need to stop fooling myself. After the last TT (and that one was a doosey) he swears ADEMENTLY that he has told me everything. I feel like I am talking to a 4 year old when I have to remind him, "that is exactly what you told me 5 months ago... and last week!!"

I'd so strap this guy into a polygraph tester's chair and watch him squirm.

Honestly, I don't feel like wasting the time or the money when I don't care about the details anymore. I know he isn't being completely honest with me and a polygraph will not solve problems nor lessen my struggle of what to do... It might lead to "the truth" but do I want to be married to someone who is only telling the truth when he is being questioned by a professional lie-detector?!? Umm no.

I, also, do not like the term sex addict. Even our MC said he doesn't believe in that diagnosis because the term is too loosely used. No arguing the fact that he is a serial cheater though!!

I realize I should have done this 6 months ago, but I will ask for an STD test during my prenatal appointment next week. Yay! Can't wait to explain THAT to my OB


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I don't feel like wasting the time or the money when I don't care about the details anymore. I know he isn't being completely honest with me and a polygraph will not solve problems nor lessen my struggle of what to do...

I feel the same way. No sense in spending $$$ when you really already know the answer. A part of me wants to know details but I think it would only make things worse. I know my WH is still hiding things. Not only because I have the ole gut feeling but because he continues to blameshift, project, and gaslight. I give up.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating like this, throughout the entirety of the relationship, leaves you with no foundation. There are no "good" years to lean on or go back to. The WS lied and cheated when things were supposed to be good, when he should have been still wooing you. What will happen years later when there is a death, illness or job loss in the family?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes a million times yes! Something I consider a LOT. It KILLS ME to know we have no good years to lean on or reflect back on! Shortly after I got pregnant, my WH had to deal with the impending death of his father (who did pass when our son was 6 months old) and knowing how close he was with his father, I know it was immensely stressful. But I have asked him the same question you posed above- what will you do the next time you are stressed out (since life tends to be one stressor after another) and WH did not have a good answer for me other than to claim he "knows" he will never cheat on me again. That's funny, my dear, because I'm pretty sure you would have claimed the same thing on our wedding day if I had asked then if you would ever cheat


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a little different. My H started cheating almost as soon as we started dating. He first PA was a ONS with his xgf 4 months after we committed to a monogamous dating relationship. EA with OW2 started almost immediately after his ONS with OW1. OW2 turned PA just after the birth of our first son and continued for 5 months after we were engaged. During that time, he also picked up OW3&4 on the Internet. OW5 was another xgf from their first Hi to actual hookup was 2 weeks and they continued text/Internet/phone contact for almost a month after that. He cut off all contact with them and after about a week of ignored texts, OW5 sent me a fb message outing them. That was 3 days before our wedding and the day after I confirmed I was pregnant again. We are almost 19 months out. My H has been forthcoming, transparent and remorseful from day 1. I can honestly say we have the marriage we never would have had. His A's forced both of us out of ourselves and made us communicate things instead of holding them back. He has worked so hard to find and fix what is broken in him and to establish and enforce firm boundaries. We are both different people. For us, this explosion leveled what we thought was necessary for a relationship and has allowed us to build a marriage based on real intimacy.

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jan 2013
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow- as much as I am very grateful for all of yoru posts and replies, my heart just breaks for all of you who have struggled/are struggling with the same situation as me. Hugs to all of you and a big thank you for taking the time to respond to my post!

A few nights ago I finally told my WH that it isn't "if" we get divorced, it is "when". Before I file for D, I need to deal with my self impossed, heart-crushing guilt I feel about having to share time with our son. He's 2 and a half now and just adores both of his parents. I know he will adjust but all of my resolve to get a divorce completely breaks down when I imagine having to explain to him why he can't see daddy this weekend. Add in my current pregnancy and things get more complicated. But reading all of these posts has really helped me at least process some of the feelings I have been having for the past 6 months. For now, I'll just keep taking it one day at a time. Although, if I find out he gave me an STD I will finally be angry enough to put his clothes out in the snow and change the locks before he gets home!!!!


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 26
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