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User Topic: Memories
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I was talking to my WH and I said to him I felt really sad when I stopped and looked at our life. We have been married for 27 years, known each other close to 30 years. We have worked together, we have moved places together, we have children together, my god we have shared a life together for a quarter of a century.
Last night I said to him, if I divorce you I will never have that person know me for as long as we have been together. Even if I find someone new, they won't have that young love history, or family struggles that we went through. The nights were we both were up all night for some reason or another with our kids or some other family emergency.
This makes me (and him after I brought it up) so sad. I can't seem to get my mind off of it today. And I wonder if this is keeping me with him? Like clouding my judgement?
And yes, he is remorseful. There is no contact with OW and her husband knows and him/I are in contact about stories, feelings, etc. it is all so unreal to me and it hurts so much.
But I can't stop the memories from flooding my brain and wondering if this is why I am giving him a 2nd chance.
Anyone else have these thoughts?


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if it is the reason, I don't see why it's a problem. That's part of why long term relationships are so deep, because of those experiences. Now you're having another one, and hopefully when it's all said and done it will deepen your bond as well.

IMHO.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right. I might need to view it as part of our journey instead the end of it. It has been 3.5 months and I stii can't figure out which is up or down. I keep thinking about us as young adults in our 20s and life had so many exciting choices. Now, today, either path I take seems to hurt more. This just sucks.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
foolishlycluless
♀ Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand exactly what you're saying. We have been together for 33 years; and married for 30 years. No children, but a lot of memories - mostly good ones.

I've had four months of TT and gaslighting. Very little information disclosed, except what I have uncovered on my own. Another lie uncovered yesterday. He says he is remorseful and is "trying to do whatever it takes to repair the damage" that he has done, but his actions aren't matching his words.

I don't see me ever having another serious relationship, if we decide to D. All I have to look forward to is loneliness. This is how I am feeling.

I might need to view it as part of our journey instead the end of it.

I like this perspective though.^^^


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I relate to everything you said. Been together for 26 years, married 23 & 1/2, 3 kids, both lost our fathers during our marriage (mine to suicide, his to sudden cardiac death, both too young), lost grandparents, raised kids together, had good times and bad before this. It is also what is keeping me with him. He is supposed to be the one that I grow old with. He is supposed to be the one that will take care of me as I age. He is the one that will help me spoil grandchildren, travel the country with me in our camper in a few years. I can't imagine doing any of that with someone else or alone. It truly sucks. Mine is remorseful as well. Some days, its a great comfort. Others? Nothing helps.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if it is the reason, I don't see why it's a problem. That's part of why long term relationships are so deep, because of those experiences. Now you're having another one, and hopefully when it's all said and done it will deepen your bond as well.


I agree with nekorb. History is part of your relationship, and you cherish it for good reason. It is only right to be sad whatever the ultimate outcome.

Wishing you peace.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think very difficult . the post I just read are from marriages over 20 years. We are having 20 this year. It is very difficult looking at all the memories. I have a hard time with this. Like others, we have been through death of parents, immediate family issues, and the early years and now teen years with children. We would talk together( A was going on) and share our strengths together, how we as a team got through these bumpy times together. That in itself makes it hard for me to grasp that WH was able to cause yet another obstacle fir us. And he no doubt shared with OW some of our struggles. Someone who from what I have learned only knew how to have S&x.
But those memories and curves in the road are one aspect that is helping us talk through thus now . However it turns out.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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