H now says that he thinks about what C said during that time a lot and he wishes he would have followed the advice then. I now understand the reason one C told him he couldn't help him anymore.
It's sad to see the light bulb come on too late.
I am glad the fog lifted and I wish you both continued healing.
My wh was in MC and IC after 1st affair for 10 months and then on 12/20 I discovered a second affair with someone new had been going on since sept. He was lying the whole time.
The self deception is mind boggling. All the realizations of the truth hit daily.
I am just happy to finally know the truth. As painful as the truth can be it does give you the needed information to make the best decisions for your life.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
I hope it is some consolation that it is on now. But yes, what a waste of an opportunity to leave the fog.
She (IC) saw us together on D-Day, and before I met her I was very wary. After all, how could she miss my W's lies? I mean I did, too, but SHE's a pro!
It turns out the C is absolutely great as a C. It's just that my W was a great liar.
I got a little satisfaction from how hard the C came down on my W.
I was once in group therapy with a guy who told his W he was in R but told us he wanted help D'ing. His work was all about stopping the lie, buy confidentiality requirements left his W in the dark.
IC is only was good as the person's ability to open up and be honest. Even now I pop in to my H's sessions now and then to make sure we are all on the same page--he has a lifetime of hiding from himself to overcome.
OW set this up in the hopes that the counselor would tell FWH to leave me for her (luckily she did not do that either). My FWH told me that he was seeing a C (left out the part about the OW, of course), but not until about a year after he started. Seemed weird at the time that he didn't tell me until a year in, but I was just so thankful that he was doing something. I knew that he was unhappy and struggling with his job (at least he told me it was his job). He tells me now that he was just happy to have someone he could talk to, as C was the only person who knew about the A. The whole thing still boggles my mind.
There are a lot of counselors out there--they vary in quality. A good one is worth their weight in gold!
When we reconciled and remarried, she started going to IC twice a week and eventually started being honest with herself and the IC in the sessions.
It is sad the amount of time, energy and money that gets invested in IC that can't do much good if there isn't honesty in the sessions.
I've struggle with the thought that her counselor should have done more for her over the many years she was seeing him. But I wasn't there and the likelihood is any ICs ability to help is limited to some degree by the participants willingness to really dig deep and share the real stuff.
Don't know that I'll ever resolve my mixed feelikngs about her IC, but am glad that she did make real progress when she actually opened during her IC sessions when we started to R.