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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: strippers
shakeitoff
♀ New Member
Member # 42224
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been posting in NPD thread because I read some of their posts and honestly NPD seems to suit this man I've wasted 12 years of my life with. The latest incident of many is convoluted. But hes trying to make me feel like thos is my fault and honestly I want impartial opinion because I know my family and friends are so tired of him, I dont think they'll be impartial anymore.
I had our 4th baby in may. I was 200 lbs when I delivered. I am 5'4. I have lost significant weight but I am still not where I'd like to be physically. My husband and I have been having sexual issues because he likes to tell me I should hit the gym more. Even though I have 4 kids and work full time and its not like I can get help from him with these cchildren of ours.
He told me it would excite him if I went to a strip club with him. From what I knew of these clubs you could look but not touch so I went. After a few drinks boy did he start touching. He walked over to the bar and was making out with one of the dancers. Hands all over each other and definitely completely disregarding the fact that I was sitting there. Watching. He acted like I should have known thia might happen and actually said quote "I cant help it if a woman throws herself at me like that. Its like dangling meat in front of a tiger. "
The fight we had when we got home was the worst we ever had. He got physical and I got scared. He was worse than I had ever seen him before so I hit him back... hard. I broke my hand on his face. I was scared to leave thinking he would press charges. So I made a deal with him. No more strip club. This was in November.
Last Saturday, he went out with his "buddy" to the bar. We had a sitter for our kids and I went out (for the first time in 3 years without him) with the one friend I have left. After a few drinks my gut told me he is at the strip club. My f2f laughed and called me crazy. We made a bet and she called her sober husband. He drives us to the club and who is there but WH.
I am trying my best to keep the peace until he can find a place to stay for my kids sake but Lord help me I want to just leave and never look back.
He claims I am "so possessive" and jealous. All men go to strip clubs according to him.
What do you think?


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back..

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he's a lousy excuse for a man. You said no strip clubs, he went anyway, show him the door. Making out with another woman in front of your face is the lowest of lows. I don't know how you didn't beat his face in right then and there. Kudos to you for making it back home.

No, we don't all go to strip clubs. I've never been, and don't ever intend to go.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
shakeitoff
♀ New Member
Member # 42224
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!! He went so far as to survey his platoon and they all apparently have been but my issue wasn't with the venue so much as his behavior there and then lying to me to go back after. I feel like i am not an unreasonable person but he's told me I am crazy for so long that I question myself now. It's kind of like if you keep telling a kid they're a bad kid, eventually they'll act the part. I'm so upset with myself for stooping to his level and hitting him but I honestly was backed into a corner and was scared out of my mind. If I could take it back.. no actually I would do it again. I have to be here for my kids and he was scaring me


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back..

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do I think?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 165 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can tell him you did your own survey - 100% of the men qualified to be married to you never have or will step foot in a strip club.

He's an ass. Get your ducks in a row and get out.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3629 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
shakeitoff
♀ New Member
Member # 42224
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that justwow. He lives in a different reality than the rest of us. Believe if he has found me in a male review, there'd have been hell to pay. He doesn't grasp that its a kick in the teeth to have him tell me he's just got no libido for months and then see that he's got plenty libido for the strippers.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back..

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014
Julez
♂ New Member
Member # 42272
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A real man - a good man - would never disrespect his wife like that. Ever.


BS (me) 42
WS (her) 46
D-day January 30, 2014
Married 18 years
Together for 20 years
Three children 5, 8 and 15.
Also have a 24-yr old step daughter.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern Ontario Canada
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello - I'll add the male perspective here. Sounds like your husband has a normal sexual drive. He likes to go to the strip club to get aroused. Having you there with him makes him feel like taking his sexual energy out on you. The fact that he groped one of the strippers is pretty pathetic however. However it sounds like it to me that your husband has lost his sexual attraction for you and is looking for a way to re-kindle it.

Is he cheating on you behind your back? If not then I would try to look at it from his perspective. He is trying to be open that he needs to relieve his sexual energy and he wants you to be a part of it. If you are uncomfortable with strip clubs why don't you offer him something else (sexy massage at home, dirty videos alone with him, nice new lingerie set, etc)?

Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he cheating on you behind your back? If not then I would try to look at it from his perspective. He is trying to be open that he needs to relieve his sexual energy and he wants you to be a part of it. If you are uncomfortable with strip clubs why don't you offer him something else (sexy massage at home, dirty videos alone with him, nice new lingerie set, etc)?

Maybe he can 'relieve' his sexual energy by DOING something around the house instead of sitting on his dead ass all night while Shakeitoff busts HERS doing 100% of the housework and child-rearing - AFTER she's worked her full time job.

Anyway Shakeitoff, more than anything, I'm amazed that you've stayed with this man and had more kids with him. From your post, it's quite clear he's brought you nothing but heartache - to the point where you family doesn't even want to discuss him anymore.

That speaks volumes.

Your problem isn't whether this guy goes to strip clubs or not. That's the least of your problems. Like JustWow, I would also advise getting your ducks in a row and getting the Hell out of Dodge.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello - I'll add the male perspective here.

kalimata - Quite frankly, as a male, I'm offended that you would lump us all in with the crowd that thinks strip clubs are OK. Your perspective is only that, YOURS. I know lots of good men that will not go to strip clubs.

Sounds like your husband has a normal sexual drive. He likes to go to the strip club to get aroused.

^^^^ That is bullshit. How about getting aroused with the woman he is married too?

Is he cheating on you behind your back? If not then I would try to look at it from his perspective.

^^^^ And making out with a stripper in front of her is OK somehow? Are you saying cheating is OK as long as you do it in front of your SO? Are you kidding me?

100% of the men qualified to be married to you never have or will step foot in a strip club.

^^^^^ JustWow, That is 100% correct.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 8:20 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup NPD for sure.

He is abusing you on many levels here. Get your ducks lined up and get out.

You are in an abuse cycle, he got rough with you, which should NEVER EVER happen, and you fought back, yet you were afraid that YOU would have charges pressed against you????? Do you see the messed up reasoning here???
Cops do NOT like when men abuse women. IF he EVER lays another finger on you, press charges, file a restraining order, and file for emergency sole use of the home. Get him away from you ASAP.

OH and this post????

Hello - I'll add the male perspective here. Sounds like your husband has a normal sexual drive. He likes to go to the strip club to get aroused. Having you there with him makes him feel like taking his sexual energy out on you. The fact that he groped one of the strippers is pretty pathetic however. However it sounds like it to me that your husband has lost his sexual attraction for you and is looking for a way to re-kindle it.
Is he cheating on you behind your back? If not then I would try to look at it from his perspective. He is trying to be open that he needs to relieve his sexual energy and he wants you to be a part of it. If you are uncomfortable with strip clubs why don't you offer him something else (sexy massage at home, dirty videos alone with him, nice new lingerie set, etc)?

Disregard it. Not sure what his deal is but it's almost as F'd up of reasoning as your spouse. I guess having a spouse hit you is ok too??? F'd up reasoning there I tell ya.

Maybe just Maybe You would feel like having sex, and being intimate with your spouse if he showed you one iota of resepect, or even helped with the kids. 4 kids (one a newborn) and a full time job is enough to make me feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Find your strength, find your voice. Get out before something seriously bad happens.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you I would find a way to protect yourself and get out...

From what you posted about your WH, he doesn't value women for their intelligence, companionship, morality, loyalty, humor, etc..

Your WH sees women as objects to be used and then discarded..

I am wondering if it wouldn't be much better for you living by yourself, working and taking care of four kids on your own than living with this man..

In essence you are already alone in the marriage anyway..You have all of the obligations of a marriage without any of the perks...

((((Hugs))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:14 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my FWH went to strip bars. I thought that he went 3-4 times. Turns out he was going off and on from year 4 of our 21 year marriage. And in the last three years, it escalated to him having an EA with a stripper, stealing and hiding money from our martial funds, and using it to get lap dances and private dances from her. Because of their deep connection. Of course, if she wasn't there, he would be a bit sad, but hey, there's always another dancer to try out!

He puts one foot in a strip club again and he will never set foot in my house again. He knows it, he's good with that, and if he ever changes his mind, well, the door will be hitting him in the ass as he goes through it at high speed.

And if this ass ever raises a hand to you again, call 911, press charges, and while he's in jail, get your locks changed and file for a RO. You are allowed to use force, including hitting back, in self-defense. Do not let that stop you from calling the police.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I have been having sexual issues because he likes to tell me I should hit the gym more
My guess is it's not a you and your husband issue. It's a very much an issue with your husband. Does your WH look like Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or whoever you believe is the hottest guy on earth? He goes to the gym twice a day right? He has washboard abs and is build like an NFL line backer right? He is always perfectly manicured, hair trimmed, and well dressed ALL THE TIME right? Your husband is perfect correct? My guess is he isn't, so he has no reason to put you down at all. Even if he was perfect it still doesn't give him the right to disrespect you. Don't let him project his own insecurities on to you. Whether you are 200lbs or 100lbs it doesn't matter.

What your WH did at the "club" was flat out disrespectful not to mention guilting/manipulating you into going in the first place. There are plenty of men out there that will love and respect you just the way you are. You don't have to put up with that.


[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:06 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Tickingtock
♀ Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a wonderful suggestion for how you can lose weight shakeitoff. Dump his ass. That's like 180 pounds!


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 184 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I cant help it if a woman throws herself at me like that. Its like dangling meat in front of a tiger. "

What the ever loving...? Gag.

I'm someone who is probably okay with an occasional strip club visit if the visit is consensual (and it's not a place where you're worried the girls are being forced into working). Though, only for a group guy function with trusted male friends or as a couple.

However, I would never in a million years be ok if my husband just started making out and fondling a stripper (or other woman) in front of me. Nor would I be okay with him completely dismissing my completely understandable horror and telling me that's just the way it goes.

And being physical with you? Not okay. If you were scared and threatened, you have a right to defend yourself.

I'm so sorry, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship, on multiple levels. I think it's time to get your affairs in order, so you can leave for good. If you can't do it yourself, please do it for your children.

((((Hugs))))


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're facing this; the combo of a personality-disordered spouse and strip clubs is a lethal mix, when it comes to the BS's ego, that's for sure. (And the risk to physical health is huge, as well.)

I battled this with my husband as a prelude to "more serious" infidelities. (I put that in quotation marks because I learned, well after the fact, that much, much MORE went on in those clubs than I knew. And no, don't for a MINUTE believe it's "normal sex drive" and "regular guy" stuff. It's seedy and illegal and gross---and I'm talking about a major metropolitan area where the clubs are upscale and a large part of the male culture---not seedy places out by the airport in midsize midwest city.)

Don't accept this. Your husband's behavior when you were with him was unconscionably abusive. And really---take what you saw with your own eyes, and multiply it by a thousand, and that's likely what he's done when you are NOT there to witness.

My advice? No unprotected sex from this point forward. Hopefully, you will be spared the STD experience. (And by sex, I include oral; I will spare you the details, but I had a long-term, very difficult to diagnose oropharyngeal infection that made me very, very ill for a very, very long time---and it came from a stripper.)

And I'd 180 as hard as I could until my ducks were in a row---and exit the marriage if BIG changes were not put in place posthaste.

Life is too short to waste on unrepentant NPDs. And you're far too valuable.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All men go to strip clubs according to him.
What do you think?
Never been to one and don't intend to. To be perfectly honest I get a little pissed at some of my friends who have suggested it is somehow less than normal of a man who doesn't want to go to strip clubs. Maybe...just maybe...I'd prefer to see a woman getting undressed because she wants to do that just for me (and vice versa). Maybe I'd like to be special and private.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show him the way out and look at ending it. Not saying you can't save your relationship, but maybe a good, solid shakeup is what he needs. It will give you time to think, too. Hugs...


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that worries me, because I know where my head and self-esteem were when I discovered my husband preferred anonymous encounters in dark strip clubs with women he paid, is that you will "hear" the SINGLE message, from a man, that says, "Well, hey---clearly you're not doing it for your many any more. Maybe if you were to spice things up, he'd want you rather than strippers!"

I worry that you will hear this message because it reflects what you've been told at home, and because you've been egregiously gaslit---and on some level already fear this is the case.

If you "hear" no other message from this thread, please let it be this: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR FAILINGS. IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU LACK. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR BODY, OR YOUR SEXUALITY, OR YOUR ABILITY TO EXPRESS LOVE. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR WORTH, OR YOUR DESIRABILITY TO A MAN. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO PLEASE A MAN.

What is IS about is your husband's own pathology. For some reason--and I won't speculate about his, but will share, in a moment, my husband's--he has determined that he derives more of a rush from anonymous or near-anonymous encounters than with real intimacy that requires an emotional connection. Furthermore, he derives pleasure from hurting you---by actively subjecting you to this preference.

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. He is disordered. I don't know what, specifically, his disorder may be. My husband has a complex mixed personality disorder with both issues with attachment and antisocial/sociopathic and narcissistic traits, but the spectrum of disorder is huge, and should be left to professionals.

Just know that this is HIS deal---not yours. There is NOTHING you can do to fix it. Don't make the years-long mistake I did, of believing that I was somehow important both to my husband's recovery and his survival in this world. (The latter holds a bit of truth, but it's not my job to see that he survives and thrives.)

Take care of YOURSELF and your kids. His wellbeing is his responsibility.

Don't let him threaten yours.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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