"Subconscious mind influencing you to make conscious choices"
Just wanted to add that at the begining of this journey my Mom would have been much more willing to support my D of my wife than my decision to offer R. She was quick to support my brother on his D. She never stopped and examined her D from my Dad, nor did she spend any time examining her contribution to that unhealthy M (neither did my Dad for that matter).
I get that is a parents turn...to support their kids...but here is the interesting part of my journey that ties into this thread.
About 12 months into my journey my Mom asked me some questions as to how I am doing what I am doing. She was witnessing healing she didn't think was possible once a M got to the point ours had gotten to.
We had a very real conversation about FOO issues.
Specifically....my own contributions to an unhealthy M. By doing so I explained how that I found some of the motivation for my conscious outward actions were actually hidden in my subconscious....and were not nearly as healthy and "good" as I thought them to be.
From the outside, blakesteele looked like a model husband, daddy, man....as my outward conscious choices mimicked that of them. (this, by the way, is why I catch my breath when fellow SI members compliment me....I am NOW in the mode of exploring ALL of my choices...see if they are healthy motivation or unhealthy masking, coping. Yeah, I hope to move past this at some point...but still finding myself coping some.)
What made me re-think my motivations and underlying influences?
My shock and disgust over my conscious choices upon and immediately following my DD.
After months of counseling, reading and prayer.....I found very clear paths tracing back to my FOO issues.
So I have committed to uncovering as much of the root as possible and to work on that.
My wifes shock and disgust over her A was slower to come.....maybe 6 months post the last DD. Once she started to feel this....she, too, decided it was time to do some digging and explore her FOO issues.
This is the primary source of hope for our M, faith that we will learn to R and to be intentionally married.
Here is another silver lining of this all......both my Mom and my wifes sister are observing our actions and are nibbling at exploring "subconscious" influences inside themselves.
Great post.....thanks Morhurt.