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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggers ?? What to do?
Leafan1976
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if you all tell your WW you are triggering.
I mean when you are watching a show or something that triggers you, how do you deal with it.
I have been trying to just ignore it. Not vocalize it. But I don't know if that is healthy ??


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't.

But your WW may act differently than mine. Mine wants to rugsweep, I have not seen her doing much to fix herself. It's clear that my healing is up to me with no help from her.

At first that was a major disappointment, but it doesn't bother me much anymore. She has shown her true colors. I am me. I heal more every day, she is still her broken self.

If you and your W are R, I think you should talk about it at least as long as it bothers you.

As far as how I deal with it, I just let it hurt until it doesn't hurt any more. Really nothing else I can do.

Good luck brother!


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes every time. She has earned the right to share it right along with me.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leafan, we started talking on night 2 after D-Day (and there was plenty of yelling on my part too) and haven't stopped and that does include, triggers.

He is generally sensitive to them ie: We recently saw American Hustle and Jennifer Lawrences' character looks at Amy Adams' character for the first time (affair going on) and says, "I know who you are!" He grabbed my hand and held it. I was okay tho. Other times I have walked away or turned a show off.

The worst times are when I suppress. Last year we saw another movie - it was really funny with Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy. Anyway, there is NOTHING going on between them but they have to stay in a hotel. I looked at the hotel and wondered if they stayed in a nice hotel like that. It was very unexpected and took me off guard. I didn't tell him when it was happening but blew up later at home. Then, I told him why I was blowing up.

You have mentioned your anger before - blowing up. Some of our worst times in the past 13 months have been from me suppressing.

Talk. Talk. Talk.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here in many months.
I can say I'm much better than I was when I joined, but the struggle goes on. My WH seems to be doing just dandy..."doing" the work, staying accountable, loving me in ways he never has before....I am lucky.
But lately, I think to myself...his first affair was between 2 and 4 years, his emotional affair was at least 2 years. It's been a year and 2 months since the last D-day, and I'm better but not whole, not by a long shot. This is still so very painful and I feel like there's no room for that.

This past August, he got a little too close to yet a third woman, and I blew the whistle before it got to go anywhere.

I feel like 2 people. One that acts loving and like wow, isn't this new "us" just great. And another- who is trying hard to heal and feels ambivalent about him, because once a week, once a month...I never know when, something pops up that triggers me so badly that I get physically sick and go into this place of pain I can hardly stand.

He looked at something he wasn't supposed to ...soft porn really, and I found out on Sunday. And he was mad at ME that I was upset.
He has changed dramatically....but maybe not enough for me.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do if the kids aren't around. I usually grab his hand and cry. He use to "not get it" and get annoyed because he just couldn't understand. Now even though he may not always understand he will hold me and try to soothe me. He'll also listen if I just want to ramble on about why I'm feeling the way I do. He's starting to get that it's about my feelings and reactions not his. I cling to this as a positive sign of us moving forward. I know we have a long way to go but I have hope we will survive if he keeps working. Actions are so much more important than pretty little words.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Monsterslayer
♂ Member
Member # 23360
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning for me I was triggered by everything. I mean everything, if someone from foreign affairs was on the news I would trigger. I couldn't watch TV, read books, newspapers, magazines or even listen to the radio. My FWW did not know what to do because I was so unstable. I would always leave the room. I felt that I couldn't subject my whole family to no tv (or anything else for that matter). So I would leave the room, it was very hard for 6 mths. I asked for my FWWs support but when she did what I asked it never seemed to help me. She ended up just saying "I'm sorry" when she thought I was having a trigger. Strangely enough those two words did help ground me.

I realized I needed to get control of myself, by myself. While she would have done anything to help me she could never do enough. I realized that "my triggers" were just that... "my triggers", and I needed to find a way to deal with them on my own.

I started by making an exhaustive list of every trigger, and when a new one popped up I added it to the list. What I came to understand about my triggers is that they hijacked my emotions and took me to a time in the past when things were bad. If I didn't recognize what was happening I would start acting and reacting as if the past was the present. Crazy making at its worst! I had a mantra I would repeat to myself when I was triggering... "Focus on the truth you know today and believe the best".

Once I had my list I went through each one to see if it was a valid fear for today. Many were not, but many were. If they were valid I would construct a plan on what I could do to alleviate that fear. I tried to do this without involving FWW because I did not want to be dependent on her always, occasionally it needed to include her and she was always very supportive. So supportive in fact that I could have relied solely on her and not found the strength in myself to deal with them alone.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought. Funny thing... Now 5+ years later we are truly R, things are really good, and occasionally during a tv show or a movie (yes I have entered society again) she will take my hand and whisper "I'm sorry" in my ear. So even though I rarely relied on her, she willing, that accounts for a big part of our R.

This may be rather unorthodox, or not common practice but it worked for us...


Me BH 49 her FWW 49
Dday June 2, 08
Married 22 yrs at time of A

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my BH would share his triggers with me. It's still early days, we're in limbo trying to work towards R.

I know he has a lot, he triggers all the time but never says anything. He just withdraws into himself and goes quiet.

Our MC suggested writing a list but BH said there were too many so there was no point.
I want to be there for him, support him through them. But for now I'm just waiting until he feels ready to share with me.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Leafan1976
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing guys. Not sure how to deal with the triggers yet. I feel like they are a huge part of why I can't move forward. They are everywhere.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still get them and tell him. But as time goes on the ones I am left with remind me that something isn't healed yet, so it gives me a focus.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monsterslayer did a great thing by writing his down. You can try that, Leafan.

I started by making an exhaustive list of every trigger, and when a new one popped up I added it to the list. What I came to understand about my triggers is that they hijacked my emotions and took me to a time in the past when things were bad. If I didn't recognize what was happening I would start acting and reacting as if the past was the present. Crazy making at its worst! I had a mantra I would repeat to myself when I was triggering... "Focus on the truth you know today and believe the best".

I think if you write them down, show them to your wife, and talk about them you are going to be able to "deal with them". If you do nothing then essentially that is what will happen....nothing. In fact, they can get worse.

The next part is up to your wife. She would do well to show compassion and console you. Tell you she is sorry.... even if she has already said sorry 1,000 times, another sorry goes a long way.

And if all of those things are happening - the communicating, you living in the present, her being remorseful....then you will "take back" those triggers. They won't have the power they do now.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also started keeping a journal for the bad days. I didn't want to keep hammering at him, it just made us both sad. So, with the approval of my counselor, I told WBF what I was going to do. He actually GAVE me a journal book he had from work. He promised he would not read it, but I told him it was not a book of secrets, but actually conversations I would have with him if I could time all my triggers to good times to talk them out. I'm using the book to formulate questions I still have in anticipation of discussions. I think he has gone into the book on days he's seen me writing and knows I'm having a hard day, because those days are days he is extra attentive and says or does something to ease the pain of the trigger.

It's working for us. Don't know how others will feel about it. But, we are only a month out of DDay and the triggers come all the time and very unexpectedly. Writing them down really gives me perspective on how important they are, and I think reading them gives him insight into how deep the pain runs. It doesn't replace talking about it, but supplements the process.

I hope something works for you. I know how hard it is.


Me BSO 61
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 12

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