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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Letter to my WW
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you karmahappens and seanFLA. Your advice may have saved me a ton of heartache. I really appreciate it.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies - thanks to everyone who replied in this thread. This is a great community and I'm thankful to have found it.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
5yrFOD
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Member # 42182
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoulHurts,
Wonderful letter! Wish I could have written it so eloquently on my first marriage that ended the same way. Reading it, I almost felt like I did the day I found out during my first marriage. I had never experienced such hurt, rage, and pain as when I was in your shoes, it almost killed me. I won't lie and say it will get better soon, it just changes. I wish it weren't the case. The best words of advice I can give is don't let misplaced rage get the best of you, you are better than that. Invest in yourself, take care of yourself and take time to explore your inner self and your interests. It serves as a welcome distraction at time when it needs to but it also reminds you that you deserve better, it also helps you become the type of person others want to be around. It helps you see that you can be happy again some day. Unfortunately, being hurt like we have takes a lot from you that you don't realize even years later. You have a long journey ahead, and if you choose to pursue a path in the future to marriage again, uses what you learned and accept no compromises as I did, it can lead right back to the same place. I learned this one a bit too late and it seems that I may be taking the same exact journey again soon.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your meeting with her went EXACTLY how you should do it. As you noted, you feel in somewhat control of this now because the way you handled it made you feel better. Do not deviate from that strategy and you will be calling the shots here. Continue to separate your lives (like you did with your bank accounts). Just go dark on her emotionally like you are doing and keep up the act. Unfortunately sometimes it goes under the game of..."He who cares the least wins." Terrible I know but it's all about posturing right now.

Keep you head up and hold in the emotions in until she cannot not see you, then let them go. From her reactions I can see that she's battling within herself as to why she did this. She's a scared and panicked little girl right now on the inside. Her fantasy and rainbows have collapsed. Soon you may see letters coming from her instead. Believe me it's a much better side to be on when you are receiving them then writing them.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That letter is amazing. Soheart felt. It is obviously written by a broken man who loves his wife. I could have written it myself. In the early days I wrote letters to my wife like that. She wasn't remorseful and it pushed her away even quicker.

I can feel the pain. I still feel the pain for my own situation. I really hope you choose the right time and opportunity to send it.

Best of luck


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could see the pain in her eyes when i left simply saying "thanks for doing this. You know how to reach me." It was hard to keep up the act, but I did. I did not show her my pain. Small victories I suppose.


This ^^ is awesome. I wish I had been so strong. Yeah, on the inside you're dying....but to look firm and in control on the outside anyway? Wow.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You nailed that meeting at the bank perfectly. Perfectly. Calm, and in control. Not showing any of the pain inside.

I will say that I wrote many heartfelt letters like the one that you wrote, to my FWH and gave them to him. The difference was that he was committed to R, was attending MC and IC, and we were both trying to save the marriage. He really appreciated the letters as insight of what I was going through. I write far more eloquently than I speak, so that was the means that I used when emotions were far too overpowering for me to be coherent, verbally.

Hang onto your letter. If nothing else, it was cathartic for you and gave your emotions and thoughts an outlet. Keep writing those letters and/or journaling. Maybe at some point, it will be for the two of you, but the most important thing, quite frankly, is that YOU have the outlet.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Julez
♂ New Member
Member # 42272
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing your letter. You had 2 sentences that summarizes how I feel right now (I found out today my wife is cheating and she wants a divorce). You wrote "This is a pain well beyond anything I’ve experienced. It’s like all the losses we’ve had over the years compiled into one and magnified 100 times over."
Wow. You described how I am feeling right now.

I would never do anything stupid to hurt myself but I can now at least *understand* why some people fall to suicide. The pain is unbearable.


BS (me) 42
WS (her) 46
D-day January 30, 2014
Married 18 years
Together for 20 years
Three children 5, 8 and 15.
Also have a 24-yr old step daughter.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern Ontario Canada
honorthywife
New Member
Member # 42269
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OUTSTANDING!!!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: honorthywife
MadeOfScars
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Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the folks here in JFO - it does get better.

I went looking through my earlier posts searching for a comment from a poster unrelated to anything here. That said, when I opened this up, I started reading and am absolutely shocked (and in a good way) at how far I've come. Me of not even 3 months later does NOT want my stbxww back. I know she is gone, replaced by some facsimile that looks the same, talks the same, etc. She is not the same, and I am learning to accept that.

We all heal at different paces. Some of you will sadly be dragged through long false Rs. Some of you will encounter bitter and drawn out divorces. Others of you will be quicker to reclaim your life, push you wayward spouse or partner off the fence, and get to moving on. I guess I am "fortunate" in that soon after this post, I pushed her off the fence, and the fact I'm divorcing shows you where she landed. It hurt like Hell, and some days it still does, but I needed to know what direction I would take. I will be divorced this coming Monday, April 28th. I still ache for her. I still love her deep down. All that said, I now NEED this divorce to happen. The thing I was so afraid of less than 3 months ago, I now embrace. It is the next step I truly need to start the next chapter of my life, and I intend to make it a great one.

So anyway, my point to all of you is this - YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS. You'll hear it time and time again, and in many cases, you just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. You can't believe it'll ever get better. I promise you there is a light. Time, NC, the 180, IC, and above all, SI - they all have helped me tremendously. I still have bad days, but they are getting to be fewer and fewer. Lean on this community and all the knowledge it holds. Spend time in the healing library. Make sure you're taking care of yourselves. Take one step at a time, one breath at a time, and know, whether it's R or D, all the pain you experience now will pass.

Peace and strength to all of you in "Just found out." Wherever this roller coaster takes you, we have your back.

-MoS (formerly SoulHurts)

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 1:50 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
SeanFLA
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Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you made the decision you felt was right for you. And I'm glad looking back at your long letter that you didn't send it to her. It would not have made a difference if you did believe us. You did save yourself a lot of anguish waiting for some kind of miracle reply from her. Generally it never happens once they reach the point of throwing their marriage away for cheap foggy thrills.

You've probably realized that you could never love her in the same manner ever again. You loved the innocent woman you married, not this one now. It happens to a lot of us. Best thing you can do after divorce is strict NC, unless there are children involved. Then it's nothing but finances with regards to them. Keep any communication via email and business-like between you two and it will help you further along in your detachment believe me.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're absolutely right SeanFLA, and I am thankful you were there when i originally posted this letter to tell me not to send it to her

For those new to NC, like Sean said, keep any communication you absolutely have to have to email if at all possible. Discuss finances only as necessary, but no personal stuff. My stbxww still throws in her little hints or divulges irrelevant aspects of her day or whatever when we do have such communication like she thinks we're still such good friends, and I just stay polite, but cold. I don't say anything unrelated to the true matter at hand or allow myself to be baited. I just realized I have not heard her voice or seen her face since the day of this original post ironically (January 29th), and I'm at a point where I never intend to see or hear her again. Email only, and only when absolutely necessary.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
jagged
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Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxww still throws in her little hints or divulges irrelevant aspects of her day or whatever when we do have such communication like she thinks we're still such good friends, and I just stay polite, but cold. I don't say anything unrelated to the true matter at hand or allow myself to be baited.

XWW moved out two years ago, and still does this, consistently (I see her regularly, as we share custody). There are always little hints and TMI and irrelevant details, shared to let me know how great her life is. Instead of "I'm going to be 15 minutes late picking up the girls", I get "My skydiving lesson went long I'm going to be 15 minutes late picking up the girls".

I may have pretended not to care at one point early on, but I guess my point is that fairly quickly, I really didn't care.

Freedom comes in many forms...


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MadeofScars

Wow. Read all your posts.

What a journey.

Glad you are doing better.

I liked your short letter that you were originally going to send her.

Especially the last word "Goodbye".

Very sad your wife took the cowardly way out with her affair and separation.

I am proud of you that you did not allow her to sit on the fence.

Now heal. Get stronger. Stop crying and live your life to the fullest.

I look forward to hearing about your next stage in the journey.

Good Luck

HM


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
SeanFLA
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Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get "My skydiving lesson went long I'm going to be 15 minutes late picking up the girls".

Sometimes you have to learn to "train" them in the "I don't give a shit about your life now" lessons. That is...don't reply to it, don't acknowledge it, just delete it. Eventually they learn that they aren't going to get the reaction out of you they want. My exWW would try to start friendly email conversations with me about our son in some kind of effort to talk with me. I didn't fall for it. My response.."Yes he is growing onto a wonderful young man...please have him here tomorrow by 11am." END OF CONVERSATION.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:42 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be that your STBXWW is deep in an emotional relationship with someone; it would be strange behavior to just quit a marriage after all you have been through together just to live alone in an apartment. Its unlikely she is by herself.

Still, congratulations on being so strong and determined. She was never remorseful and you didn't beg or try and nice her back into the marriage.

Wonder how she will feel if, and when, you meet another lady and perhaps start a family that you could never have with her.
I have a distinct feeling one day she will deeply regret her actions.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right OK Now. Despite what she has said, I don't know that I believe that she's alone. Still, it doesn't matter if she is or isn't. Once she crossed that line, everything she does or doesn't do on the other side of that line is inconsequential at this point. Don't get me wrong, It would wreck me if I happened to see her out and about with someone else (and I find it awfully strange that in our very large city, she chose a complex 2 miles from me), but I just have to hope that either I don't run into her, or if I do, I'd be at a point that it wouldn't bother me at all.

Wonder how she will feel if, and when, you meet another lady and perhaps start a family that you could never have with her.
I have a distinct feeling one day she will deeply regret her actions.

Everyone who knew her that I still talk to (the mutual friends she left behind and my family) all SWEAR she will regret this one day, and maybe she already does. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd take some satisfaction were I to find out that is in fact the case. Still, she made her bed and LIED it in with another. Who I share my bed with in the future is now none of her business. She made her choices, and there's no going back now. I deserve better. All us BS do


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
justasinger
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Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, really glad you pushed this post up. I just had
D-day 3 dropped on me like it was the weather channel
Announcing cloudy with a chance of rain. I knew it was coming
And still feel that I haven't heard nearly everything.
Maybe I can get drunk enough to not care. I'm trying like hell
Anyway.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justasinger - dday 3. Damn man, that's brutal. If there is a silver lining, it's this - you've found the best website you never wanted to know about. We will help you through this as you navigate this roller coaster of shit. Just let us.

Maybe I can get drunk enough to not care. I'm trying like hell
Anyway.

I should tell you NOT to do this, but it'd be a bunch of "do as I say, not as I do." You're an adult, you can do what you want. Lord knows the first few weeks after dday, I drank more that I had in like the last year or 3 combined, and I've been a "moderate" drinker for a while. All I'll say is don't drown in that bottle. Find healthy outlets too.

/lecture.

Stay strong man. You WILL survive this and come out the other side better than ever.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On reading your profile again it does seem as if she started a new job, met a coworker, fell in 'love' and drew away from you emotionally. The old familiar formula. Maybe she gave herself permission to cheat as an escape from all of the recent tragedy in her life, or the OM is divorced/widowed with young children; a ready made family no less. This guy would be especially attractive to her for obvious reasons.

This happened to a friend of mine. She was in a childless marriage [she had a previous hysterectomy] and met a divorced guy with custody of three young children; she left her BH to become a 'mother'

It would seem your WW is waiting for the divorce to start her new life and I cannot imagine that this involves her being alone. If her new relationship does not work out, [most of them don't], she will be in one heck of a mess.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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