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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My consequences as a BS
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not my fault, it's not fair that I have to deal with the consequences. The consequences of what is my choice now. Staying or going.

I'm having a bad day, I'm feeling lost and I need to get this off my chest. I have had some good days, but they always seem short lived. I really wish I wasn't 8 mos pregnant right now, or that we didn't already have a 1 yr old. I feel like this is clouding my judgment.

I want so badly to R, but I don't know if it's possible. I think right now, WH is regretful and not remorseful, I'm wondering if he knows how to be. Can regret turn into remorse, or does it have be there right away?

He has repeatedly told me that he deals with what he did everyday and every time he looks at me, but I'm not sure his actions reflect that. WH has never dealt with situations well, I don't think he is capable without IC to get past the pride and embarrassment to do what I really need him to do. He has made some progress, but not taken all the steps or initiative I would like to see. Am I hoping for too much, too soon from someone who clearly needs help? Maybe I'm just in denial and making excuses.

I entertain the idea of D way more than I did before, because I'm not sure I can stick this out. Yet, I don't know that I have the courage to go through with D. I never wanted to make a choice like this. Should I even be thinking about this now, or should I wait until the baby is born and go from there?

[This message edited by alifeforesaken at 9:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. I go up and down, back and forth, too. I think it's normal from what people tell me. Take care of yourself; you and your babies need you to be ok. ((Hugs))


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 965 | Registered: Dec 2013
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((foresaken)))))))))))))

I cannot imagine going through this pregnant, and with a toddler. You are amazing for even bring able to get out of bed in the mornings! Truly.

I think it would be really difficult to make any kind of permanent decision right now. I would try to spend all your energy and love on yourself, and your babies. I know you feel you don't have the courage to go through with D right now. Maybe you could think of the next few months as an opportunity to find that courage and strength? Focus on your own health and peace, and maybe you'll find that WH comes around in the meantime, and you'll want to R. Or maybe not, and you know you'll be okay.

But either way, you're right - it's YOUR choice whether to stay or not. You really do have control, even though it might not feel like it right now.

I know it's easier said than done. I'm responding here not as someone who is any further along in this process than you are, but as someone who needs this exact same message reiterated over and over.

You're not alone.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((alifeforsaken))

I am so sorry for your pain. It's hard enough to deal with infidelity, I can't imagine the added pain of being pregnant as well. This a time you need protection and extra caring, instead you are dealing with this betrayal.

It's ok to decide " not to decide" at this time. It's ok to just watch his actions, take care of yourself, and consider what you will do in different situations. If you release the need to decide on a path right now, you will take a lot of pressure off yourself. The common wisdom seems to be that you shouldn't make any big decisions until at least 6 months out. If you follow that guideline, then that gives you time to have your baby, gather your strength, read and learn and work on your healing.

I know it's hard to internalize, but you really can't control what he does or chooses. What you can do is control how you take control of your own healing, on your own choices. Have you read about the 180?

Have you clearly communicated the things you need from him? Is he NC, is he transparent to you with his whereabouts, phone, passwords? If you turn down the volume on what he says, and only look at what he does, what do you see?

I do believe regret can become remorse, with time, with witnessing the devastion he caused, with introspection.

It sounds like he is not in IC. Are you? Please consider it. It took a few sessions for it to feel helpful, but now it's such a support to me. Many have found it helpful.

I am sending you strength. You are worth taking care of. Put yourself first.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you - it's somewhat relieving to know that not deciding right now is ok. I associate not deciding with rug sweeping, even though I have made myself clear and we do talk about it.

Iwillnot - I have read the 180, and I don't know that I can do it, at least not right now. I know it is for my protection, but because I haven't decided what path we are on, I fear it could push him away before I get the chance to decide. I at least need to get through this pregnancy to emotionally be able to handle that reaction.

I think I have clearly communicated, it's not that he doesn't try at all, but I want more initiative, which is not him normally. I can point out countless times he has not shown initiative or follow through with other things and people. So I try not to take it too personal, but I want to see the "fight", it would help so much.

He has been transparent, I do have access to what I want. I can ask to see his phone anytime. My fear is, he just got better at hiding and that if there was something, he is good liar and would dance around it just enough. I'm not saying that's what is happening, but I wouldn't be shocked, he did it before I knew everything.

NC- It's tricky, he is her superior at work, though he does not need to be near her often. He supposedly gave her the NC letter we wrote together. He says he has no personal contact or any contact that is not absolutely necessary for work. Just last night, I came out to the car when he got home, he was on the phone and in now way hesitated to tell me he was on the phone with her. He said his boss just called about coming for last minute visit today to discuss month end things with her and another one of his co-workers. I checked the recent calls and surely his boss did call him right before he called her. Before, he would have hung up or lied about who he was talking to.

We started MC before I really knew everything and for a while I just continued alone. He has come a couple of times, and as of last night said he would reschedule for IC. If he has not we have a session next week in which the counselor informed me, that if he has not started IC, he plans to ask me to leave and talk to him alone. I just hope he still comes.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Hug)
My dday was 4 days after finding out I was pregnant (a baby we were trying for all well he was cheating)and we had a 2 year old as well.

It is such a tough spot to be in...you feel so stuck. My advice would be give yourself time to make a choice. With a new baby and the stress that brings you don't need to add to that stress by pushing yourself to decide to divorce or R. You have lots of time to make the choice. Honestly I decided to give it a year and I'm glad I did. He went from jerk stuck in the fog to amazing husband and father but it took 8 months to a year for him to get there. It also took that long for me to reach a point where I really knew I would be okay without him if I had to be.

I can't tell you how I made it through my pregnancy or took care of dd in the early days it's all kind of a blur. One day at a time I guess. I hope it gets better for you. Stay strong.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2012
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that you are going through this. My husband had an affair while I was pregnant and I found out when DD was 9 months old. I consider myself lucky I did not find out until I did. It is hard enough being pregnant and not having to deal with all of the extra junk. It is ok to wait to decide. I don't think you are asking too much from him. Be sure to make yourself eat and stay hydrated so you can be in your best health for your babies.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's bittersweet to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

How do I get through each day? how do I act? Do I essentially work towards R, but focus more on me than him? Do we talk about things related to the A only if really necessary? I have been working on my faults and he has been working on some of his (I say some, because he has not done the work to fix his issues, only the superficial marital ones)

Do I just slow down, give him some time, because I need some myself? And what does that mean? I set little goals to not talk about the A or R unless it's really necessary?

I originally said I'd reevaluate in June, but struggle with getting through the now. I've very slowly been learning to not get caught up in worrying for the sake of worrying or dwelling on negative thoughts. But it is so hard for me to detach.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you're in the stage Shirley Glass calls 'working on the M'. It's a great approach if you want R but don't want to commit fully to R until you're sure your H is fully on board.

You understand it exactly - work on R, but work mainly on your own healing. You can't R unless you heal yourself, so that work on your own healing helps R.

What I really want to say, though, is that you're showing lots of courage. Don't ever think you're not courageous enough to R. R is a long, hard road (but rewarding if it succeeds), and it's not cowardly at all to hold back if you doubt your partner's commitment.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10075 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 9

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