Usually, I am pretty upset or spacy when I write here. I am thankful for SI but I hate that I am barely coherent most of the time. My thoughts and feelings flood out in weird torrents, oceans, rivers, streams, creeks and occasional water falls but rarely in clear words.
Tonight, I have something different (I hope).
My youngest daughter trains three days a week in kyokushinkai karate. She's coming up on her first year anniversary and this has become very important to us as a family. I have always gone and while I'm accused of being a 'dance mom' by a friend of mine who's son also attends, I am proud of my roll. I also find peace there. I love Sensei, I love the sempeis. I enjoy the students.
Eventually, my mom and other daughters started going to watch so it got a bit less peaceful and I admit to being a tiny bit resentful because it was the one thing I could enjoy both alone and with my youngest but whatever...everyone wants to watch her. I'm used to zero peace and how can I deny family wanting to come adore my child? Hehe
I would record videos for my husband as his work schedule made it impossible for him to attend and he is the only one I would have liked to be with me. I always find that interesting because he and I go through awful times quite frequently still but since we were super close friends for years before we got together, I still crave him with me.
He was finally able to change his work schedule at the beginning of the new year and yesterday, he joined the dojo himself.
He and I had been talking about it for awhile. I didn't think he'd do it. He's shy, dyslexic and a bit out of shape. He's never done anything like that, never had a father figure and yet, I could feel that it was something he needed IF he could find it in himself to do it. I quit pushing and suggesting and left it to him.
I've pondered if I even wanted him to join really. Sometimes, I hate him so much for what he's done to us. We have literally wasted our entire marriage of 11 years, pounding it into the ground over and over and over. Wallowing in muck so thick and diseased and filthy. I'm not sure we will ever be clean again. He's asked me if I want him to because what if I decide I cannot stand us anymore and he is there and I am there. I've thought about it but despite my frequent but periodic rage, I am committed to seeing us through at least until our youngest is 18. I guess that sounds cheap but I mean that this is the least I will do...more often, I am proud of the steps we have taken and don't want to blow us up. I am proud of him. Growing up has been excruciating for him and all involved.
Yesterday, I watched him, nervous and unsure of himself but prepared to do what he's never done.
I saw a man I've never seen.
Everything and I mean EVERYTHING in our lives is tainted by his crap, our crap and particularly, his last debacle. Every good thing, every bad and every neutral. That's what happens when the OW lives with you and you don't know who she actually is.
When she's cleaning and organizing to "help you out". Grrr...
But last night...I saw him being genuine, interacting with men his own age and...smiling. Like a normal guy. Genuine, not like how he acts sometimes when he's being pleasant but he doesn't want to even be there.
He was happy. I saw him untainted and my heart healed the tiniest bit but it's a bit that could possibly grow.
I am so happy because everything has been a stagnant limbo for so long....finally, growth and happiness completely untainted and not a single OW can get a foot in there because none of them ever were there.
I am so grateful!
Thank you for listening.