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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is 3 months out supposed to look/feel like?
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blobette and Karmahappens - Thank you for your frank words. I want to hear advice like yours because it wakes me up, but I have to admit that I am resistant. Doesn't make sense I suppose.

I feel like a complete contradiction in terms these days.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey flayed.

One thing I learned going through this.

The advice that pisses you off, make you say "no way, not me" is the stuff you need to look at.

When something evokes a bigger response than normal there is usually some digging needed around it.

You don't have to take everyone's advice. All situations are different.

The strange thing though, is as much as we are all different the underlying current that runs through A's and the aftermath are quite similar.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, flayed, I totally get it. You're so early on this journey. It takes a while to shift your brain from the person you thought your WH was to whoever this person is now, and to gain a realistic picture of them. One of the things WH's IC said to me was "I know YOU don't know who he is. But what you have to understand is that HE doesn't know who he is either." So it's very confusing. It's hard to trust someone or move forward when you have no idea whether they're capable of being truly remorseful, really owning up to what they did, and being able to get over themselves enough to be a decent partner for you. Right now, your DH is still foggy and it's still all about him. And I, too, was in that mode -- how could HE have done this? I had to figure out what was going on with HIM. So it was still All About WH. At some point the emphasis has to shift, to start being all about helping FLAYED to heal -- and your WH is still way, way too immersed in his own pain (!) to see that, and you're buying into that. That's not going to be helpful in getting his head out of his ass. He has to take responsibility. He has to STFU about his "pain" and focus on the true victim here, YOU. And if he can't do that, he's not a man you want to be with.

At this early stage, my WH wasn't there yet, and he's now a pretty model FWH. So there's hope for you two. As I said before, this is all a horrible journey and process, and there just aren't any shortcuts. If only there were!

Wishing you strength!

[This message edited by Blobette at 12:43 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spent a good part of the morning crying (is it a pity party??)

I was encouraged when I came on here and saw some new words of hope from all of you.

I have stupid question and need to be led by the hand right now. What do I do about the fact that when WH sees MY pain, it drives him further into HIS pain? Is it my job to snap him out of that? Help please.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Christ, have a pity party. Just don't stay there. Give yourself time to be sad and cry...but then get up and do something good for you.

There are no stupid questions, really. None of us thought we would be here and well....we are. All we can do is offer words of encouragement, our experiences and support to one another.

You are still new to this pain, and it's ok. No feelings "aren't normal" or "ok".

This here...

What do I do about the fact that when WH sees MY pain, it drives him further into HIS pain? Is it my job to snap him out of that? Help please.

It is not your job to fix him, period.

Right now, in the beginning a BS barely can keep their head above water.

It is his job to fix himself. It is also his job to stand close by and support you during this time. He needs to step up and find the strength to support you.

In my situation my dday was mid-August. We didn't make the choice to jump into R until January, so 5 months.

My husband was so torn, hurt, angry at himself, full of shame...you name it. He wasn't able to be there either, he was caught between his emotions and failed miserably at comfoting me.

I spent that time working on myself. Getting IC, healing, finding strength. I hadn't found SI and didn't have BTDT support, but I knew if we divorced I did not want to appear weak and needy. So I worked on me.

Let him get to work on himself. If he wants to support you it's ok to tell him that you need support when he doesn't get it. But don't try to heal him, let him feel his pain, it will cement the knowledge that the direction he took things is wrong.

(((hugs))) and strength.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 3 months, chaos and confusion. They tell you to wait at least 6 months before considering any final decisions.

My biggest mistake, letting his pain affect our recovery timeline. I put the hard things on hold while he got therapy. I would not do that again. He should man up and face the pain just as I was facing it. I wasted valuable time when he should have been helping me, not the other way around.

Even if you feel selfish and hard, make your H start the hard work and tote the heavy rocks on his back. They are his load, not yours.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have stupid question and need to be led by the hand right now. What do I do about the fact that when WH sees MY pain, it drives him further into HIS pain? Is it my job to snap him out of that? Help please.

Flayed that is not a stupid question. And no. It is not your job to snap him out of it.

When my H started his pity party I remembered reading Brene Brown's bit about shame. I did not want him to get stuck in shame ie:
You are a terrible person. vs
What you did was terrible.

He was in IC at the time and she helped him with that. I would recommend he deal with his pain in IC at this time. You have enough on your plate and consoling him does not figure into the equation.

Your H, like mine had a 2 year A. Very, very difficult road. You will get through this.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Take encouragement from SI and encourage YOURSELF. I did a lot of good self talk.

Take good care of you. Remember...good selfish!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, of COURSE it's OK to have a pity party! Party on! It's pity party 24/7 around here! (Theme song: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to")

OK, silliness out of the way... This is why IC is so important. He can do his whining and moaning around someone who has the ability to focus on him in a neutral way. He shouldn't be drawing strength from you -- that's just outrageous, in the current circumstances. Similarly, it's good for you to have an IC to process all of this and make you stronger in your own resolve.

Bottom line: you need to tell him he has to man up and deal with the consequences. He made the mess, he has to clean it up. He can't expect you to help him and build him up. You have very good reasons to be re-evaluating the relationship, and he should understand that.

Keep posting. And remember: "you would cry too, if it happened to you!"


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flayed,
Have a pity party. I could barely stand on my two feet by three months. You must allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of your old marriage. That is OK. You deal with your feeling's, he can deal with his. If your pain drives him deeper, that's his to deal with. Start to turn inward. Focus on YOU.
At 3 months I felt like this drawing someone here posted, this is a view. Raw pain.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 2:17 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Nov 2010
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh flayed, I've had the exact same question about his sadness so many times. Once, at about 2 months from final DD he sank into a (manufactured) depression. He sulked and felt that all happiness was fake etc (he even said we could never be intimate again which pissed me off as I was in HB at the time). At first I was sad, then I was annoyed and then I was pissed off. I made him sleep on the couch that night... and he snapped out of that pity party. He basically has never retreated back to it, at least not to that extent. It still happens but it's very mild, he usually need me to distance myself a bit (which is very scary for both of us) for him to come back to reality.

It's a process. As my IC said, you can't behave a certain way for 39 years and then change over night. We all need to learn these new strategies (I may sound patient but I haven't really been). It can be excruciating at the time but if you see consistent healing and movement in the right direction, then keep going.

((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post. Oops

[This message edited by Blobette at 2:23 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may not be focusing on the right things about me. I have been doing a lot of reading (here and in books like Not "Just Friends") and instead of feeling empowered and amazing (worthy of love), what I read cuts me to the core and leaves me sobbing. i.e. I feel like a spotlight has been put on all of my flaws and I feel even more worthless than ever. Now I feel like I deserve what I got, while before I guess I was happily dysfunctional. (Aren't we all somewhat dysfunctional? ) This is part of the pity party.

For example: I am too independent yet too codependent; I am too demanding (high standards)yet too weak to take hard stances, etc.

It makes me feel like "I RUINED HIM".

BTW these thoughts and feelings originate in me. They have been building up over the last week or two and I am just now forming coherent thoughts about them. I will share them with WH later today either in our MC session or after the kids go to bed.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lordhasaplan?- That picture is exactly how I feel except with a lot more blood spatter.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in IC? It has been amazing for me, I highly suggest it if you're not doing it already.

I'm confused by this

what I read cuts me to the core and leaves me sobbing. i.e. I feel like a spotlight has been put on all of my flaws and I feel even more worthless than ever. Now I feel like I deserve what I got

You are NOT to blame!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that this way of thinking is very very common among BSs. It's all part of the illusion of control. That if we had somehow been different, the WH wouldn't have cheated. That there was something we could have done.

I'm not really sure what's so attractive about that. The truth is, shit happens and it's not our fault. OK, you've heard that a million times on here now. But really, really absorb it. THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY. You could have looked like Scarlett Johansson and he would have cheated! You could have been June Cleaver and he would have cheated! BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! That's frightening because it means that you never really knew WTF was going on with your WH at the level that really mattered. You have no control over the person who has this amazing ability to wound you so very very deeply. The person who holds your heart in their hands. That is fucking scary. So we resort to the more comforting idea that if we had only done X, Y, or Z... none of this would have happened. And it's all totally untrue. Because there is nothing you could have done.

It's terrifying.

Let go. Your flaws are not the issue. None of us is perfect; no marriage is perfect. You shouldn't have to be perfect to have a faithful spouse. That's an impossible standard. Let go! You are a good, loving human being. I can tell that you dearly love your WH. You did not deserve this. Please let go.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Blobette says is so true, flayed. Read it a few times!

In the aftermath of an A we can look at what was truly good and genuinely bad about the marriage (After the Affair, Janis A Spring). It also gives us the OPPORTUNITY (note that word opportunity) - to look within. This is how I CHOSE to see it. Not right away. But I did.

I think it is impressive that you see that you can be demanding (so can I but getting more reasonable) but also not have the wherewithal to take a hard stance (me too but getting better at this).

BUT. NO MATTER WHAT. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE A. YOU DID NOT BRING THIS ON.

We all have flaws but the A? This is his and his alone, to own.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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