Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can't think of anything
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been quite some time since I was here. I thought I wouldn't need to be here anymore.
I'm not here because my husband is cheating again, or that he's bad or something went wrong. He's doing ok. I'm not sure ok is the word. It's not good..
But he's not doing enough.. Perhaps he thinks he's doing enough but I don't feel it is.
It's been a rough year since he came clean and confessed details and even other women I never known of. A lot of depression and screaming all the time. We went on a couple of vacations which helped a lot. He was sensitive, loving, listens all the time. He even put on his wedding ring (which he never does because of his MMA training) he called and sent messages. He was better to our son. I felt for the first time in years he became responsible enough to be called a husband and a father.
But something is wrong.
I feel he's trying too much he doesn't like what he's doing. He's doing the work because he believes he's supposed to.
Things got cold between us. We started fighting again.
Then one afternoon I went to my mother's house to spend some time with her and a neighbor. They were both talking about cheating husbands, a subject my marriage fits perfectly in. At the end they both agreed on one thing "all men cheat and there's nothing we can to change this"!!!
And the cheating man should take for granted that his wife shall forgive him and life will go on.. Because "life is too short" but "a good wife should never agree to tear apart her family" and of course "for the kids sake"
I became furious! Why is it so matter of factly!! Why should we settle for this!!
Then it all came up.
My husband is not doing enough. I don't even like him anymore. He's living his life normally. I'm the one that can't let go and refuses to forgive. What he's done--many times is just too much. What we had was wonderful then the As ruined everything. I want what we had. I'm not accepting anything less.
But how when trust and respect are over with?
I took SI's and familys advice and took care of myself. I even went back to school and finished the year I had left. I graduated with great grades last year. Now I'm sitting at home doing nothing.
Or doing something..
I can't stop thinking about what my life would look like if I wasn't with him. Not just this, I have someone else in mind that I keep thinking and picturing my life with.... And since it's too cold/dead with my husband now, I justify every thought! I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't, I know this is infatuation and it's just awful. I just feel I've been the good one for way too long. Why have I been waiting for things to get fixed or waiting for my husband to fix things all this time? Why am I staying in this marriage? Do I love him that much? I mean of course I love him sometimes I cry when I think of life without him. But is this how it's supposed to be?
We just celebrated our 7th anniversary. Nothing special it was a very disappointing day. The only celebration was that we went out and said Happy Anniversary to each other.
I don't mind him sleeping on the couch anymore...
I don't mind not seeing him for an entire day...
I read here in one of the posts someone talking about their WS that wasn't doing enough, then BS proposes a divorce and WS says ok if this is what you want...
My husband said the same thing last year when things were so on fire. He said if it is what you really want, and I believe your chances of finding a man better than me are huge!!
And this is ringing in my head!!!
My sister once said "your husband cheated because you're too perfect. What is he missing in life? You take care of everything. He needs to be missing stuff out" At that time I thought it was absurd. Now I'm feeling there might be some truth to that. He cheated because he wanted to try the other fish out there. And there are a lot loooooot of fish. A lot of nasty cheap fish.
I'm not exactly asking for a solution or a specific advice. I just don't know how to deal with myself anymore.


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to live like that either. Either it's the best marriage possible or I'm out.

I read here in one of the posts someone talking about their WS that wasn't doing enough, then BS proposes a divorce and WS says ok if this is what you want... My husband said the same thing last year when things were so on fire. He said if it is what you really want, and I believe your chances of finding a man better than me are huge!!

It sounds like he's not only showing you but telling you he's not willing to be the man you need.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 2:25 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be very wary of this infatuation you are having; it may be clouding your judgement. You need to communicate what you need. Are you in MC? I am worried that you are looking for a big, old exit affair. Also, the fantasy always makes the reality look worse.

If you guys aren't both putting into the relationship what the other person needs, then you both need help fixing it.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you.
I 'm wondering if this is part of the process, or he's really over in my heart.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 210 | Registered: Nov 2013
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyonefor taking the time to reply.
Bionicgal I agree with you. My judgement is far from wise because of this infatuation. This morning I kept thinking it was "silly" and "childish". But I'm not out of it yet.
I don't know what I need. I just wanted to get this out of my system as I have no one to talk to so freely and openly. No one really knows what's exactly going on. I'm not in MC nor is he. I tried IC one time and don't want to go again. I'm better without it.
Maybe some more time will change something


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I missed the part where you were infatuated with someone else. Was that in your post?

Here's what you do. Tell your husband that you are attracted to someone else, and who it is. That will take your feelings out of the perfect bubble they are in.

It could break you up, or it could push you to the next level of R. If he is really in R, he will come to respect you for NOT acting on attraction, for turning towards him rather than demonizing him. Either way--your crush will be out of the picture and that's what you need--to focus on reality.

[This message edited by I think I can at 8:29 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8833 | Registered: Jan 2008
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't want to tell him I know this will bring more problems and complications. My H isn't at all the kind that knows how to deal with jealousy in a grown up way.
But we did talk about something. I told him that whatever he's doing which he thinks is enough isn't enough. That I'm growing tired of this position of him being loving one week, cold the other. I brought out the time when he said ok if you want a divorce and I believe your chances for a better person are huge.
He hated the past I reminded him of. He said it was stupid what he said and that he's not so smart with words. Again he said sorry and will try harder and all that. But one thing he said sounded different and genuine. He said that he can not accept that I talk about our marriage casually and say things like "it's just not working anymore" because he's committed to making it work and he would never give up on it. He would never say such things this is actually new.
I'm still fuzzy about my feelings. Another reason I don't want to bring that infatuation thing up to him is that I know I'll snap out of it soon. It's very difficult to share such a thing anyways
I'm taking more time to think I guess. I want to see how long "loving husband no more cold" phase will last. I might start working in my father's business soon and that will make me extremely busy instead of sitting at home struggling with feelings all the time...


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.