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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Questions that will save relationships
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. I came across this article from the Huffington Post. It was written by, Glennon Melton. I just grabbed part of the article for this post. Thought the questions were very good.

An excerpt from, The Questions That Will Save Your Relationships

Through therapy, we learned to ask each other better questions. We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

So Craig and I don't ask "How was your day?" anymore. After a few years of practicing increasingly intimate question asking, now we find ourselves asking each other questions like these:

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.

And so now when our kids get home from school, we don't say: "How was your day?" Because they don't know. Their day was lots of things.

Instead we ask:

How did you feel during your spelling test?

What did you say to the new girl when you all went out to recess?

Did you feel lonely at all today?

Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?

And I never ask my friends: "How are you?" Because they don't know either.

Instead I ask:

How is your mom's chemo going?

How'd that conference with Ben's teacher turn out?

What's going really well with work right now?

Questions are like gifts -- it's the thought behind them that the receiver really FEELS. We have to know the receiver to give the right gift and to ask the right question. Generic gifts and questions are all right, but personal gifts and questions feel better.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:35 PM, January 27th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE THIS POST, LA44! Beautiful gift to us all - thank you for raising the bar and my awareness. I'm going to print this out. Bless your heart!


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kyrie! I hope others take a peek, too. I tried asking my kids questions in different ways tonight and got more then, "good" or, "I don't know."


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cool post LA44....I will give this a try.

Thanks!

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sosorry5454rl
♀ Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is cool. I'm sure difficult to do initially but I'm sure elicits much greater conversations. Neat concept Thanks for sharing


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that post - it popped up in a few friends' FB posts. Started putting it into practise straight away!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw it on FB too and H and I read it together. So funny, tonight when he got home he said "how was your day?" and then while I thought for a sec, "Or... how did I help you feel safe?" Haha, he remembered! It was a good article. I plan to use it with the kids too. "How was school?" just doesn't cut it.

Thanks LA!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 897 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great tips! I definitely need to ask better questions. Thank you for the great post.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 308 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

LA, tried these last night. Some were odd. My wh and I felt that some were hard in our situation. But we also talked about how we really might get insight in the future- referring back to the question in our day today when one of us goes there... we are going to call it question #4 as code. and the act of talking through them really helped me with the gratitude thing and positivity. thanks for sharing. oai

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:50 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really helpful post. This kind of questoining would help build literally any kind of relationship. Romantic, friendship, working, etc. It goes so far beyond the how are you we normally all use. Thank you


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 782 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great post! This is so absolutely true. Thanks for the reminder. And it definitely carries over into every other relationship.

Great great stuff. Thanks.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 11

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