Leafan, have you considered the reason you're still suffering is you've abandoned yourself? We are survival machines. We're designed that way. That's why your brain will shut down parts of your body sacrificing the pieces to save the whole. That's why our minds can mold reality in the face of indisputable truth in order to protect us from facing things we aren't strong enough to face.
When you reject what comes natural, self preservation, self focus, self care, self protection depression and pain would be the expected response. It should be. It's a clear message that shit is NOT ok and a push to don the life vest and run from the flames.
I think so many that are in situations that are just praying for a miracle are missing the very sad truth that they are already in possession of that very thing. Themselves, ready, waiting, begging to be given a chance to save the day and get them to safety. They've got this. It's years, decades, eons, of honed skill. Let yourself save you. You'll be surprised how much better you feel when you work as a team instead of fighting it looking outward for your salvation.