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User Topic: Smoking around kids
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, would love your input. We have a fam member - Sue. Sue and her SO, Frank have split up. They have a 2 year old. Frank is a smoker and has been for years. Sue is asking Frank not to smoke in the house. The baby has chronic colds and ear infection (which I also suspect has to do with the GREAT amounts of milk Sue gives him).

Anyway...even though the Doc has asked that the baby not be around smoke, Frank refuses to stop smoking in the house, period. She feels this is more about defying her then anything else.

Anyone else have this issue and what did you do about it?

Thanks!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if they have split up then he can't smoke in the house - because it's no longer his house.

I'm sure it is about defying her. However, I would have her document it all with doctor and social worker and present it to judge. When I was a kid, my friend's parents had a nasty divorce (a classy OW involved). Her brother had severe asthma and under-developed lungs (he spent hours a day on a nebulizer and was hospitalized several times).

Her father was a chain smoker so was his wifestress. They refused to not smoke around the boy in spite of the fact that it would kill him - fortunately, this was his play and wifestresses to not have the kids around at all. However, had he pushed it with family court in 1984 they would have done nothing about it and forced visitation. However, I have friends with perfectly healthy children who have successfully gotten stays against their ex-partner smoking around children - it's recognized now as a health hazard.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 2:18 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15255 | Registered: Jun 2006
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm surprised the pediatrician didn't tell her that chronic earaches can be directly related to secondhand smoke. She should have the boyfriend go to the pediatrician with her next time, and maybe the doc can threaten to document and report for the court WRT custody. It is more than just spite to injure your child. What an ass.

eta: http://www.webmd.com/children/news/20110128/secondhand-smoke-raises-kids-ear-infection-risk

[This message edited by welcome14 at 2:01 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1161 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed. Chronic ear infections and even susceptibility to colds are both likely due to the smoke.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2159 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

Well if they have split up then he can't smoke in the house - because it's no longer his house.

She lives in an apt with her son - she wants him to stop smoking in HIS house when her son is ther on the weekend with him. So....that makes things a little tricker for her. I guess she would have to speak to a social worker about this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only a fuckhead would smoke around a child. I think it should be illegal--and probably is. I don't know anyone who actually smokes inside a home anymore. Hardly know any people who still smoke.

I'm just gobsmacked that anyone would do this!


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 411 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I'd write a letter to the parent (I being the doctor)
Second I've threatened parents before with CPS.

In my opinion if you can't stop smoking around your child you are a piece of shit.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
kalimata
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Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't they simply smoke outside away from the baby?

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't they simply smoke outside away from the baby


this.

I can not imagine why he cant smoke outside. It must be to 'get back' at Sue. Which, endangering his child, to get back at the ex... piss poor parenting.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:46 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1333 | Registered: Jan 2010
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is just abuse. I am sorry and as a mom of a chronic ear infected baby I can't imagine intentionally causing my baby the pain and discomfort of ear infections.

My daughter got sick 3 days after we moved back home in MO, she was 3 months old. She was not off antibiotics for more than 3-5 days straight until she got tubes at 8.5 months. I was questioned by the pedi/NP/On Call Pedi, and every person in that office more than once if she was around ANYONE that smoked. The answer was always NO.

I would honestly say if I was in "Sue's" position that I would refuse to allow "Frank" around MY baby.

My daughter has hearing loss that is irreversible. I can't imagine causing this intentionally.

Luckily she outgrew it, after 2 sets of tubes, and a bout of a nasty nasty bug that to up residence in her ears. It certainly did not effect her singing ability.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Eranda
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Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People, get a grip.

While smoking around a child who has obvious health problems is really stupid, the things I am reading on this thread are unbelievably judgmental and harsh.

Only a fuckhead would smoke around a child.

In my opinion if you can't stop smoking around your child you are a piece of shit.

That is just abuse.

If you are of a certain age, most of our parents smoked when we were kids, are they pieces of shit?

Being a smoker does not make you a bad parent, it makes you a human being who at one point made a really dumb decision to start smoking (probably at a young age when you didn't realize the how serious that decision was).

Smoking is- whether you like it or not- legal in this country.

There are lots of non-smoking parents who hurt their children in hundreds of ways- are they better just because they don't smoke?

Whether or not you smoke is NO indication that you are A) a fuckhead, B) a piece of shit or C) abusive. So stop making such horrible judgments and accusations towards people you know NOTHING about.

I'd say it's a safe bet that some people who criticize smokers and feel justified in calling them awful names and judging them to be sub-par human beings have habits, personality traits and failures that are equal to or worse than anything a smoker does.

Is the person in the OP's story being a douchebag? Yes. Does that give people the right to talk the way they have on this thread? I don't think so.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4222 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the thread where we get to gripe about the parents who feed their kids processed or fast food?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6739 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the thread where we get to gripe about the parents who feed their kids processed or fast food?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196541 | Registered: May 2002
hummingbird8
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Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During babies first two years of life when they were together did he smoke in the house around the baby?

Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During babies first two years of life when they were together did he smoke in the house around the baby?

This is a very good question.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14395 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
lost_in_toronto
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Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44 did point out that the doctor has asked that the baby not be around smoke, and so there is an argument to be made that that Frank is endangering his child by not listening to the advice of a medical expert.

While I agree that it is possible to be a good parent and a smoker, I also agree that it is - if not abusive - willful neglect to refuse to follow a doctor's orders when it concerns the welfare of your child. I would also recommend that your family member document all of this and forward it to a judge because it could impact custody arrangements unless Frank agrees to stop smoking inside. I also like purplejacket's idea of having the doctor write a letter directly to Frank so that it is documented he received that request directly from the child's doctor.

If you are of a certain age, most of our parents smoked when we were kids, are they pieces of shit?

My parents smoked around me and my sibling all the time, in our home and in the car, and no, I don't think they are pieces of shit. It was the 70s, and times have changed. I would hope that if my parents knew about the dangers of second hand smoke (and even the chemicals from cigarettes on your clothing) that they would have chosen not to smoke around us as they did. We also took road trips in which we slept in the back of the station wagon or the camper, which would be unthinkable today.

Smoking laws have changed a lot in Canada in recent years. It is now illegal to smoke in a car with a minor in Ontario. I imagine that smoking in any enclosed place with a minor isn't far behind.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willingly and Knowingly exposing your child repeatedly to something that you know causes harm and pain for them is abuse.

Yes our culture has become a bit extreme with the anti-smoking rules, however I welcome all of them.

It is now illegal to smoke in a car with a minor in Ontario

This is also illegal in several states in the US, and I know others have proposed it.

Yes my parents smoked, they smoked in the house, and the car. My mom was particularly bad about smoking and driving, pretty much couldn't drive without a smoke in hand. I can remember now at 43 just how uncomfortable that was, making my lungs, nose, and sinuses burn. She always told my sister and I to quit making such a big deal about it when we would cough.
My sister also had chronic ear infections until she was about 10. Hmmm connection?

The human race has done a lot of things that we regard as harmless only to find out later there was real damage being done.

As a mom of a kid who had bad ear infections, I can honestly say I would have done anything to take that pain away from her when she had it. It is extremely painful. If the Dr said do you have pets in the house? and my answer was yes, and the Dr said how about not having them in the same areas as her, it could be causing these ear infections, you bet your ass I would limit the areas the pets were. It would have been worth it to have her healthy, and not in pain.

So yah, it is abusive to smoke in a closed car with your kids.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents smoked. I was sick constantly. Now have diagnosed moderate lung damage. According to the pulmonologist most likely due to second hand smoke as a child. Would my parents do it differently now. Absolutely. It was not known then what second hand smoke would do.

I would not call a smoker anything but ignorant and/or addicted. Smoking around a child in a closed area (house, car) , ignorant and/or abusive.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6444 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
TheHardWay
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Member # 4342
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents smoked around me when I was growing up. I was healthy as a horse. My baby brother on the other hand, suffered from "allergies" his entire childhood - the other baby brother was also pretty healthy - so hard to say.

I smoked with both my children and with the youngest lots of times with him around (although not in the house or in the car). I was 18 and thought I knew * it * all!. I got a little better with the youngest.

As they grew up and I finally paid some attention to the dangers of second hand smoke - I refused to even smoke around them, outside in the open air!

Now - I wouldn't dare smoke around my nieces or nephews.

I think that since this is something that the doctor needs to put in writing - and then Sue needs to put in writing (email) to Frank. If Frank STILL refuses or that baby comes back smelling of cigarettes, then Sue is going to have to address this legally.


F-BS 43
DS 24 DS 20
Seperated 2001; Divorced 2003
Remarried to a wonderful man 2008

Posts: 7909 | Registered: May 2004 | From: The Sunshine State
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno, my dad smoked when i was a kid-I had many many ear infections to the point I have poor balance now. My older bro and sis-none. I quit smoking when my oldest was born, he had/has many ear infections still and he is now 13.
My sis & BIL smoke, had two kids, I remember my sister(and the DR) smoking in the hosp when her oldest was born-neither of her kids had ear infections aside from the random one associated with swimming.
Some folks are just prone to ear infections, IMO.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5386 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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