When is the DNA test?
I wouldn't say she is "getting it" although the facts on the ground have changed somewhat. Surprise, surprise...the OM is acting immaturely and believes HE is the wounded party because my WW hasn't left me like she told him would happen. I told my WW that she needs to think very carefully before giving the OM power over our lives for the next 18 years. Once paternity is established he has the right to haul her into court for increased custody. My WW keeps saying she doesn't want to cut the OM out of the child's life but recently she has acknowledged that doing so is the "cleanest" solution.
Little of this has to do with me. I am encouraged nonetheless because for the first time she seems to be thinking of the kids first rather than herself. That is the step in the positive direction I mentioned earlier. This week she has been acting and talking as if we are going to be together long term. She told the OM she was going to try to R with me - this is why he is so upset.
Anyone can see why I said we aren't yet in a real reconciliation. There are positive signs, however, and I hope we are moving in that direction.
Any steps backwards at this point would be tragic and possibly irreparable.
If you enter into R with your WW, there WILL be steps backwards. It's not called a roller coaster for nothing. It is how she handles those backwards steps that will tell you whether or not she is really committing to you & your marriage.
Stay alert. Think of what your plan will be re: the paternity test. If she has it now, and the baby is OM, what is your plan. Will she tell him? Will you wait until he moves forward with some kind of action to determine paternity? You & your wife need to be a united front with this - from this day forward til... well you know. She needs to agree that OM will not become part of your family unit. He will not have access to YOUR children. She will not have happy little family time with them. He will not be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner & Christmas morning. Communication will go through you. Etc Etc. He needs to become a non-entity in your life.
I'd spend some time working VERY hard to figure out your motivations. Why are you staying? It's not for the kids--it really isn't. So why?
Figure that out.
Then take that knowledge, and examine it in the dim light emitted by a woman who lacks remorse. Together, do these provide enough to sustain a marriage, nurture a healthy family, and promote your growth as a person?
You've talked about doing what is best for your kids. Please, do this self-examination for your kids. They don't need a father who "stays for the sake of the kids," at least not without doing the VERY hard work to determine whether this really IS the best decision.
They need a father who knows himself, and knows what is right. They need a father who is healthy and strong. They need a father who is able to think beyond his impulse to maintain the status quo and carefully consider the long-term ramifications of his choices.
There are many who would say your current acceptance of the heinous situation with which you've been presented is tremendously courageous.
And it might be.
But might be borne of fear--fear to which we ALL can relate. What are you afraid of?
Does what you're afraid of pose the same risk to your well-being as staying with a remorseless woman who's only now considering "reconciliation" because her OM is showing his true colors?
As you face decisions that will impact not just you but the next generation, it's really important to fully inform yourself. It would be a mistake to reflexively fight to achieve a particular outcome without defining you're actually fighting for, considering the likelihood of winning that battle, and weighing the consequences of both success AND failure.
Before you invite OM into your children's lives, THINK. THINK about the long-term sequelae. This man does NOT have to be part of their lives. His involvement can be wholly limited to HIS child, if in fact the baby is his. (You cannot control whether he also has a relationship with your wife. Read that again.)
I'd argue that doing things "for the kids" involves protecting them from people willing to cause them harm. And the man who impregnated their mother and got pissy when she would not leave them tops that list.
Why are you contemplating making this interloper a permanent part of their lives? What need of yours does it fill? Will you be able to live with the consequences to your children?
SaF I think postponing the test & seeing if she'll accept the blessing of an intact family (as OM has the door shut on him) is cagey. Hoping she'll think long and hard. Bless you ~
Sure but he'd have to make an effort and commit $ towards that and I believe the feeling is he's not that interested in being a dad. Time will tell.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I believe, legally, the OM could force a DNA test. This happened to someone I know.
My largest fear in all of this is that your WW will divulge the test results to him.
What is your plan to deal with this if she continues to yo-yo back and forth (which is common with WSs). That is where I would concentrate my efforts.
it seems to me that OM is using the child as a way to keep together with your WW.
WW is using the child to justify her fence sitting and, in a way, her affair.
you appear to be using the child to further complicate things.
it really is rather simple. you wife had sex with another man while your wife. from here it all gets into binary solutions:
- you can either try to work through this with her or not
- she can either try to work through this with you or not
- if only one of you is prepared to work through this then the attempt will fail.
so far i see YOU being willing.
i dont see HER being willing but rather as cake eating. i see the OM as happy to have a child with your wife so he can continue having sex with your wife.
are you really prepared to stay in a relationship in which you are the open cuckold? if so, i dont understand that mentality but i guess i wont argue against it - in which case why complain about it if its something you are willing to accept.
if not, then your plan of "months" and "no real hurry" and worrying about paternity for the OM ... etc ... etc is going to just grind what is left of your marriage into dust and destroy what little chances you DO have to save it.
offer WW a choice
A: a packed suitcase and divorce papers
B: NC with other man (let him worry about paternity tests, etc - why do you care 2 shits about what suits him best), counseling, a commitment to marriage, etc.
let her choose. if she breaks NC then she gets choice A.
ive been reading this thread since day 1. i dont mean this to be mean but rather gently. i just dont get why you care so much about whats best for OM and cheating WW regardign this child. let OM demand a paternity test. let him put himself into position of child support and a long term commitment to pay. heck - THREATEN him with 18 years of child support at legal maximum rates. watch him scurry.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
skip the paternity test and just say goodbye to the OM. She says she doesn't want to do that but her actions, so far, speak for themselves.
Gently, what actions are you talking about? I've been reading and offering advice from day one and there is not one thing she's done that has shown she is remorseful. That sentence makes no sense, read it again and see that she doesn't want to say goodbye to the other guy. You say her actions are different, then how does she know he's getting pissy? The only way she would know anything about how he is acting is if she's having contact with him. I really don't mean to be harsh but dude, wake up!!! Your wife is not even remotely near any sort of R and it's now been two and a half months, maybe more? She's pregnant with another guy's kid and she cares more about his feelings than yours. Hell, you care more about his feelings than your own! You gotta get out of this fog you're in. Your kids need you to be the sane one. Get off the crazy train you're riding and actually starting to drive.
ETA typos and: if you have to "convince" your wife of anything in this situation you have about 99.9% chance that after the baby is born she'll change her mind. No one sticks with anything they've been "convinced" they need to do. They have to get to the point where they come to the conclusion on their own. It's like dealing with an addict. You can convince them to stop and they might go along with it for a while, but they will never become sober until they decide on their own that it's what they want and put in the hard work.
[This message edited by cliffside at 9:53 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]
Don't post here too much due to our bunny boiler situation, but here are a few things you may wish to think about:
1 - You really don't know the OM, what he will or won't do, or what he is or isn't capable of doing. If there's one thing I've learned from history, it's to expect the unexpected.
2 - Nor do you know OM's family. This may sound silly, however, a friend of ours has been fighting in court for many years over her daughter. Why? Because although it was a no-brainer that she should have her daughter, and her ex wasn't interested in the child, HIS MOTHER - Yes, OM's Mother - with very deep, deep, DEEP pockets wanted him/them to have the child.
So right now, this child lives with him, is 7 yo, is failing first grade, wear pull-ups still, her favorite meal is cold soup served from the can, and only has visitation with her mother ever other weekend. Yes, social services is involved, but the OM and OM's MOTHER seems to be able to clean things up enough. There's another court date set for next week. Go figure!
Bluntly put, the only person you can control is YOU!
Please take these thoughts into your considerations.
PS: Are you in IC? I don't remember, but hopefully you are for your sake and the sake of your children (including the one you may have fathered.)
I, too, don't post often on this thread, but, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE reread William and cliffside's last posts!! They are SO RIGHT!!!
Your wife is doing shit. OM is still very much in the picture, and (sorry so harsh) you are being a bowl of jello!!
YOU get to decide YOUR life!! YOU get to decide to be the best parent for your children. YOU get to decide how this R should/is going to go. YOU! YOU! YOU!
Take your wife and OM out of the loop. At this point YOU should not give a rat's ass what OM wants. YOU should not give a rat's ass what your wife wants as to YOUR recovery from this shitstorm.
Please do not keep trying to "help" her thru this. It will never last. You will slowly grind yourself to dust. SHE should be doing ALL the work. The only thing you should have to do is say "Yes, I will accept that" or "No, I won't accept that. Try again".
You have been given so much great advice, but I still see you defending, and bargaining. I get that. I really do. But it seems like you are still spinning your wheels.
I am really sorry to put out just the negatives, but, sweetie, I am here to tell you that I did all the work, all the bargaining, all the defense in my situation. And here I am 5 yrs out, and am just biding my time to get the hell out of dodge!! My H only did the bare(ly) minimum. (didn't have SI for 2 yrs!) I was so afraid of the unknown that I accepted it. Now?? I just want it to be over. I do not have small children to take into consideration. And for that I am sorry they are in this situation, along with you.
YOU can do this, SAF! We've all BTDT, and you will too.
Not much has changed here even though there have been some very slightly encouraging signs. The paternity test is scheduled for March 31. I'm not at all hopeful that I'm the father; the timeline suggest that it's almost impossible. However, the test will give me the motivation to get some answers. I'm going to need to see real commitment before the results come back in order for us to have a chance. Otherwise, once the OM is confirmed as the father then my WW goes right back into her fantasy land. A land from which she has slowly emerged over the past few weeks.
That's all for now. Of course there's more but I don't want to drag everyone into the minutiae. I feel all of your support behind me and it's much appreciated.