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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the WS becomes pregnant
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is very nearly the precise situation I faced in my first marriage. It is a vat of seemingly never ending hurt. My offer to raise the OC was declined, and we proceeded to D. Whether you reconcile or not, this OC will be a part of your life. I wish you the strength to help that little innocent to grow in an atmosphere of nurturing love. Be good to your self in this extremely difficult time. Maintaining your own health is essential to healing. You need legal advice no matter which way things go. You're in for a long haul, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Many of the great folks here will have pointers for you to help you live through this terrible time. In time, I hope you find peace.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If OG *goes away* and your WW keeps her trap shut, you don't have to adopt the kid. It is presumed to be a child of the marriage. In other words, yours (legally, if not biologically)
But then why would you talk about adopting the child if you are thinking of taking legal steps to ensure that the presumption won't exist? You'll disavow the child, and then adopt him/her? That doesn't make any sense.

Adoption would clear the future of any potential assertion of parental rights by the OG. That would be the main reason. I could rest assured he'd be gone for good. Am I right on this point? What I have read makes me believe this is true. But it's not an option anyway because the OG doesn't want to walk away from the baby.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LAFA - You're awesome.

ETA - And I'm so sorry you had your own similar ordeal. Glad to see you survived.

[This message edited by strangeasfiction at 12:52 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike, k9, YOP and others - keep it coming. Reality is tough to face right now. I'm not going to accept everything I hear on this site but that doesn't mean it isn't good to hear it. I know everyone here is looking out for me. That's a huge comfort.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey strange. Know that you are not alone and we are still listening. Only you know the finite details. There are a lot of hard things to hear and face. Those will be pointed out to you here.

I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling. Ever think of creating a short term checklist for yourself to give you something to focus on. I think every post here has recommended legal advice. Maybe put that as #1? What are the things YOU would like to come out of this mess in both short and long term #2, #3?, etc? Just a thought.

Also, if you do seek legal counsel, let her know you are and be honest. Let her know that you are seeking counsel for the benefit of the family. That options need to be found out and explored for the benefit of the family. Pay attention to her reaction. Pay even closer attention after you do it. You might start to get some decisions made on both your parts.

What is your thought on legal counsel?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your situation.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP !
If your WW decides to keep the baby, you need to D ASAP. If your still married when the baby is born, as it is in this state, you will be responsible for it 'til it's 18.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is your thought on legal counsel?

You need to see a lawyer ASAP !
If your WW decides to keep the baby, you need to D ASAP. If your still married when the baby is born, as it is in this state, you will be responsible for it 'til it's 18.

I think we will both get legal counsel. Believe it or not, things are very amicable between us right now. We're both thinking of what is best for the kids. I understand that a child born within a marriage is presumed to be the husband's and that the husband is responsible. That isn't absolute, however. A court approved paternity test takes care of that. While my preference would be to just accept the child into my family full time I know that isn't possible given the OG's wishes. Either before birth or after birth the OG will establish paternity with the state. If we stay together, he'll be paying child support. He already knows and accepts this. I don't want to get too many courts and judges involved but this is a pretty straightforward issue to resolve and enforce, if necessary.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Please, do yourself a favour and read and re read the posts by Mike7, Stronger08 and Years of Pain.

This is just an untenable situation which ever angle you look at it from, and I'm sorry, with respect to JFO, I can't see it working out any way but badly for you.

You have so very little to work with right now, other than your desire to still have your marriage and your wife.

It takes a total mind change to realize that what you had has gone, and it's a painful process, but at some point your pain will be replaced with resentment, anger and frustration.

Look at what you have in front of you right now;

Wife having an affair

Wife prepared to risk contracting disease by having unprotected sex, both to herself and to you

Wife pregnant by another man (OMG)

Wife not willing to immediately end all contact with OM

Wife not showing any signs of remorse, just regret that she got found out due to her own carelessness

Wife only giving lip-service to the pain and trauma she's inflicted on you, if this hadn't come to a head by her becoming pregnant, how long do you think she would have kept cheating with the OM?

Wife giving you the ILYBINILWY speech - however after a short two months she's "in love" with the OM

Wife prepared to risk the future stability of her children with you

Wife prepared to possibly have a marriage of convenience with you (she gets your home, your income, your support and her boyfriend)

Wife's OM being a constant feature in your life going forward, he's not planning to go away, and even if it's sporadic contact, he's another constant reminder of your unfaithful wife's behaviour,

And that's just a few, factor in your mental well-being, your pride, your self-esteem... all these have and will take a continued direct hit as long as things stay the way they are.

The idea of trying to form a blended family in this way is simply nuts IMO, have you thought about the drama you will have to face all the time? Picture school events for example, you, her, your kids, their kid, and him..... just nuts.

Your own children are very young, they can adapt to mum and dad having different houses, they won't thank you for forcing them to live in a situation where they have to explain their half-brother/sister constantly.

Your wife should not be vacillating between you and him, and for your own self-respect, you shouldn't let her.

So far this is all about her, and him, not much about you, this needs to change. You need to take control even though it goes against what you feel, you won't nice her back, you won't love her away from him, you can't control her.

But you can control how this plays out for you, get some legal advice, turn off her financial tap, draw a line in the sand and stick to it. Find the 180 in the healing library, read it and live it, it will make you stronger and better able to make the right decisions for yourself and your kids - she's incapable of doing that right now.

I'm sorry if I come across harsh, but believe me, I only have your best interests at heart, and from the outside looking in that's how I see it.

Please take care of yourself, this is trauma like no other, try and stay healthy, eat, drink water, sleep, we're all thinking of you.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to throw myself in, mostly because I was just pregnant (baby is only months old). You are signing up to support a woman carrying another mans baby that she knowingly conceived while married to you.
Are you going to go to the ultrasounds with him and her? Are you going to sit in the hospital with him and her? Is he going to visit teeny tiny infant at your house while you watch tv. Are you going to get up multiple times a night with his baby while he blissfully sleeps the night away, quit possibly with your wife? Are you going to run to urgent care with their baby when a fever spikes?
And best of all are you going to have sex with her while she is pregnant with his baby (cause that weirdos the crap of me but maybe that's just me)? 9 months is a long road. 40 weeks.
How are you not SUPER pissed and not hating her guts! And she is still in it! OM isn't going away. He sounds excited.
Sorry for all my ranting, the OW to my STBXH was trying to get pregnant. Just finding that out cause me extreme distress. She didn't thank god but I'm still divorcing.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, hard yards. You make a lot of valid points. I'm going to clarify a few things - not to defend my potentially irrational and self-destructive current state of mind, but rather just to lay out what are some important facts.
Wife pregnant by another man (OMG)

Yup. No sugar coating that one.
Wife not showing any signs of remorse, just regret that she got found out due to her own carelessness.

Wife only giving lip-service to the pain and trauma she's inflicted on you, if this hadn't come to a head by her becoming pregnant, how long do you think she would have kept cheating with the OM?

She confessed the affair before she knew she was pregnant. I know this is true. She told me she was pregnant 5 minutes after she took the test. I don't want to give her TOO much credit for this but at least it's not a case of just being upset at being discovered. She really does feel terrible at the situation she created. At times she is beside herself with grief and guilt. Of course, she SHOULD be and I'm not going to give her a pass just because it turns out she's a little bit human. But it's important nonetheless.
Wife prepared to possibly have a marriage of convenience with you (she gets your home, your income, your support and her boyfriend)

The OG cannot be her boyfriend. If we're together and there's a whiff of futher infidelity then it's over.
Factor in your mental well-being, your pride, your self-esteem... all these have and will take a continued direct hit as long as things stay the way they are.

Yup, you're totally on point here. Things can't stay the same. I'm in a bad place right now and I'm willing to stick it out to a point. Long term, though, I know if I can't look at myself in the mirror then I'd have to make a big change.
I'm sorry if I come across harsh, but believe me, I only have your best interests at heart, and from the outside looking in that's how I see it.

Nothing could be harsher than my wife telling me she's pregnant. Anything you could throw at me is small potatoes. Plus, I know it's all coming from a place of support and that's why I started posting here to begin with. Keep it coming - it's much appreciated.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another option to consider is let him raise the baby by himself if he won't agree to you adopting. And either way your wife needs to switch jobs and implement NC.

With hippa laws I doubt he has the right to insert himself into doctor visits. Seems any parental rights for him would kick in after birth. But who knows...talking to lawyer is great idea so you can make the right decisions.

Having the OG in the picture is going to make this a hellish situation for everyone. You can't control him and you already know what kind of man he is.

And her cheating has nothing to do with you. It was her decision and that she made without your involvement. As time passes and with hindsight this will become more and more clear to you.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another option to consider is let him raise the baby by himself if he won't agree to you adopting.

WW would never agree to hand over the baby to him 100%. She admits he's not ready for the responsibility and she wants what is best for the child.
And either way your wife needs to switch jobs and implement NC.

He's looking for another job. If he finds one or not, WW plans to stay on until after the birth and after maternity leave runs out. Then she plans to stay home with the kids. I know that NC should be the rule. Shame on me for not demanding it but it doesn't seem realistic right now.
With hippa laws I doubt he has the right to insert himself into doctor visits.

Excellent point. I have no idea. Something to investigate. However, knowing that he is going to be a part of the child's life after the birth it doesn't make sense to me to needlessly keep him out of it before the birth. OK, I know it's not needlessly. But I don't want to pretend like it's my child for the next 9 months only to have the reality change at the instant of birth.
And her cheating has nothing to do with you. It was her decision and that she made without your involvement. As time passes and with hindsight this will become more and more clear to you.

Totally right. I'm just still in the shock, grief and guilt stage. I hope I get to the place you describe sooner rather than later.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS feels terribly guilty. That's not saying much but at least there's a conscience deep down in there somewhere.

Based on what you've written, I don't believe this^^^ at all. She is telling you she doesn't love you. Why on earth would she stay if that is how she feels? She told you she had the affair because she was ready for the marriage to be over. You stopped that, and she said ok, but her intention was a D.

She even says she knows what the right thing to do is.

She's always known, she just doesn't care. She's doing what she wants. Shocking for a cheater to do that huh? Another reason I don't believe for a second she is sorry. She is absolutely not remorseful.

Yes, I'm lost in a fog but she's not seeing things clearly, either. She's full of hormones, guilt, stress, etc.

She's full of something alright.

The others here are correct. Picture this man coming to your house, smiling at you, basically having a good laugh because he bopped your wife and now you are raising his kid. Picture your wife still not being in love with you at OC's 1st birthday. Picture if this man she felt love for makes a play, and she goes for it. Why not? They have a kid, so why not?

Please, think about all of this. Think about saving your money for his child's college education. Think about how cold your wife is now, while pregnant. Why would that get better? Think about the lies and deceit and all of it. Ask yourself why on earth you want so badly to be with this woman whose actions have destroyed your family in so many ways, and she's still running down that road.

RE: Adopting OC - DO NOT DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!! If you and your WW separate 6 months after OC is born, you will still be paying child support for 17.5 more years. Imagine this - WW and OM decide to give it a shot. Now WW and OM are raising OC, and you are STILL required to pay child support!!

Please, do NOT adopt this child no matter what anyone else says. Just don't.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has she had an amnio or something, is there some reason that y'all KNOW this child is not your child?

As far as her telling you before she knew she was pregnant, you are probably, again, giving her too much credit. She likely knew she was pregnant based upon how late she was, and how she was feeling, especially considering that she has had 2 other pregnancies. And she could have taken another home test before she took the one in front of you. Cheaters lie, and lie and lie. It really is early in this process for you, but really, until she gets truly remorseful, (not just sorry she's busted), expect that she is lying and manipulating. EXPECT it. Really.

Ask 40,000 people who have BTDT.

So far - her A is your fault cuz she felt neglected. Complete and utter bull$hit. There were a million healthy ways to deal with that, if it was in fact the case.

Something else you're going to read more about as you spend time here, is WS re-write the history of the M to justify their shitty behavior. And they often lie to themselves to believe they love their AP to justify their shitty behavior. All the while, they ignore the fact that they themselves have absolutely no boundaries, or they never would have been speaking to the AP in the first place, let alone long enough for it to develop into an affair.

Quit helping her justify her shitty behavior. There is no justifying it. And if she ever decides to do a cranial rectal extraction and work on what her issues really truly are, all this justifying is going to just muddy the water. Healthy, grown up married people do not have A's. She needs to get to the bottom of what her issues really are, or she will remain an unhealthy choice for a partner for anyone.

Find your anger. Really. Quit doing her justifying and rationalizing, and get angry.

Take care of you and your kids....

[This message edited by JustWow at 3:27 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she wants what is best for the child.

Sorry to add my .02 but if that were the case, and she truly wants to stay in your marriage and with your children then...
the best thing for the OC is adoption or give the OM full custody. Abdicate her legal rights to the child.
Option 2
She gives you full custody of your two small children and a divorce and she goes with the OM.

Personally, I would take sometime to think about what is best for you and your children that is it. She gets no say it in right now. She is a surrogate that is it give the baby to the OM or to someone else, she does not get to decide if he is mature enough to raise a child.
He is mature enough to impregnate her he will grow up fast enough.
Sorry her sense of entitlement just blows my mind.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not counting since you found out she was pregnant, have you had sex with your WW at any time within the past 3 months?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not counting since you found out she was pregnant, have you had sex with your WW at any time within the past 3 months?

Not since D-Day but yes, within the 3 month window before that day.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 months? That's a huge window.

If she says it's not SAFs, then we have zero reason to lead him to believe anything else.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
strangeasfiction
♂ Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has she had an amnio or something, is there some reason that y'all KNOW this child is not your child?
As far as her telling you before she knew she was pregnant, you are probably, again, giving her too much credit.

There's almost no chance it is mine. This is based on a calendar reconstruction as well as the texts and emails I've seen.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He claims he wants us to work things out but I know he'd be thrilled to have her all to himself

Don't count on it. There is a reason men sleep with married women - no commitment. Now, not only did she out the whole thing bringing drama to his life, but she's pregnant?

I'm betting he doesn't have many nice feelings about your wife honestly, and I'm betting he does want you to work things out because then you can do most of the parenting and pay for things for his kid that he didn't want.

You seem to think everyone wants your wife. Let me tell you - they don't. You see some beautiful troubled woman. The rest of the world sees a cheater with two toddlers and one on the way. Trust me - if you leave there won't be a line at her door.

She doesn't want to reconcile. What on earth are you doing? She cheated. She told you so she could leave. She says she doesn't love you. She is pregnant with someone else's child.

Who was watching your kids while she was out getting pregnant?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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