When the pain from not changing your situation outweighs the pain of changing, then you will change. And only then.
1) You don't sound in a fog. You know what you want, and you know what you're willing to do. I disagree with your approach, but I truly hope it succeeds for you, and quickly.
2) If you want to move your H out of his fog, you can confront what he says. When he says he wants to be right with God, you could, for example, ask him how adultery and abandoning his family can ever be right with God.
If you do that, though, you don't know how he'll respond. R is only one possible choice out of many, and many of the choices could hurt you very badly.
3) The following is JMO, but ... waiting for your daughter to 'stabilize' sounds very dangerous to me.
She knows something of what's going on, I'm sure. If she realizes you're waiting on her, you're giving her an incentive to remain at risk of killing herself - that is, if she gets that you'll stay together if she threatens to kill herself, she may keep threatening just to keep you together.
Worse, she could decide to use threats of suicide as a coping mechanism. My W cheated and continued to cheat because her adult 'friend' essentially promised not to kill herself if my W had sex with her. Please, don't teach your daughter to manipulate others by threatening suicide.
Worse yet, waiting for her to stabilize gives her power she just shouldn't have dumped upon her frail sense of self. You and your H - not your daughter - should have power over your M. Your M impacts your daughter, but she has no responsibility for it - that's all up to you and your H.
Much worse still, if she stabilizes and you D, she's very likely to think the D is her fault and drop right back into wanting to kill herself.
I think you doc is way, way off. I think he's doing what my W did - grasping at straws to make today less bad without recognizing that doing that makes every day in the future worse.
Please get a second professional opinion on handling your daughter and your M.
It took my SAWH at least 7 months to begin to show signs of empathy and truly understand the impact of his affair on his kids, his finances, etc. By that point, I was really only hours away from pulling the trigger on the divorce. The only thing that stopped me - that continues to stop me - is that the addiction counselor he is seeing says we need to wait a total of one year from the time he entered treatment. So we'll see…things are better, but I am not 100% sold. And something tells me I may never be. I need to figure out if that is what I am willing to live with or if ultimately, I need to say I'm done.
Sisoon- we have gotten a second opinion. First opinion was from the inpatient doc. Second opinion was from her IC. IC says there is never going to be a good time for DD, but there are going to be "less bad" times to do it, and now is definitely not it.
DD doesn't threaten to commit suicide, she flat out attempts it with no warning. The one time she was hospitalized for ideation alone only happened because the school tipped me off to a possible suicide pact between DD and another student. When I confronted her about it, she was blatantly suicidal with a plan. Her level of depression is almost baffling to the docs and counselors. IC said she has never met a teen as depressed as my DD. Doc agrees. It's terribly sad. We are kind of in uncharted waters right now because she has not responded to traditional therapies/meds. Had to start with a new psychiatrist because the previous one didn't know what else to do with her and wanted DD to try someone with more experience. DD and I both like new doc and she is willing to think outside the box.
It's just a completely messed up situation. Her IC is really pushing her to start establishing her friend group again (she hadn't gotten together with her BFFs outside of school in over a year). I think the idea is that she needs a support system firmly in place, among other things.
[This message edited by nekorb at 12:37 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]
My first thought is that the payoff of limbo is that for the moment I'm doing what my daughter needs/what her docs/IC advise, etc.
My second thought is that I hope it is irritating OW every single minute of every day that WH is still here.
I read somewhere that one of the reasons that a marriage breaking up is so hard on the kids is that the parents are so absorbed in trying to get their own lives back together that they have no time and energy to help the kids.
I guess that's a payoff of limbo too, in its own way...time for me to adjust. I can't imagine if I had to support them through it as well during that time when I was literally laying on the bedroom floor crying and couldn't function.
It sounds like he is going to leave, one way or another, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. And that must be very painful for you - but honestly, he's deeply unhealthy and he's hurting your whole family with his selfishness. Even if your daughter is more stable by then, it is still going to hurt. So why not come up with something special that's just for you two, that will still be there no matter what your H does? Why not make a special bond with her right now? It could really help her when your H's true colors are revealed. Or it could be something special between all three of your children and you. So she doesn't feel alone.
Just a thought. When my family splintered, the think that hurt was that the ones of us who were left got disconnected from each other too. It would have been nice if there were more get-togethers, especially then, but I felt even more isolated. It might be nice to get you, your DDs, and your DS as closely knit as possible before your H does what he's going to do, and keep that close-knit feeling after.
(((hugs to you and your children)))
[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:29 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Overland done - I'm nowhere near done with him. I would love to R and even after he leaves, my door will be open to R if he shows up and is truly remorseful and ready to work on the marriage. My marriage vows are really important to me and I don't want this. However, if he is going to push forward with it, I'm not going to let him steamroll me. I'm actually about to start another thread about that it in a second.
Also, early on when everything started happening with DD I said to him, " I know I you are only here because of the situation right now. But it is SO hurtful to me that you are having this A right under my nose. I need you to just put it on hold until you move out.".
His reply, without even a hesitation, "Not happening.".
Yeah. It sucked. Sucks. Present tense.