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User Topic: Where am *I* in the Fog? (WS welcome)
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbo works for you - what payoff are you getting from this? You don't have to tell us, just think about it.

When the pain from not changing your situation outweighs the pain of changing, then you will change. And only then.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 3 thoughts to share:

1) You don't sound in a fog. You know what you want, and you know what you're willing to do. I disagree with your approach, but I truly hope it succeeds for you, and quickly.

2) If you want to move your H out of his fog, you can confront what he says. When he says he wants to be right with God, you could, for example, ask him how adultery and abandoning his family can ever be right with God.

If you do that, though, you don't know how he'll respond. R is only one possible choice out of many, and many of the choices could hurt you very badly.

3) The following is JMO, but ... waiting for your daughter to 'stabilize' sounds very dangerous to me.

She knows something of what's going on, I'm sure. If she realizes you're waiting on her, you're giving her an incentive to remain at risk of killing herself - that is, if she gets that you'll stay together if she threatens to kill herself, she may keep threatening just to keep you together.

Worse, she could decide to use threats of suicide as a coping mechanism. My W cheated and continued to cheat because her adult 'friend' essentially promised not to kill herself if my W had sex with her. Please, don't teach your daughter to manipulate others by threatening suicide.

Worse yet, waiting for her to stabilize gives her power she just shouldn't have dumped upon her frail sense of self. You and your H - not your daughter - should have power over your M. Your M impacts your daughter, but she has no responsibility for it - that's all up to you and your H.

Much worse still, if she stabilizes and you D, she's very likely to think the D is her fault and drop right back into wanting to kill herself.

I think you doc is way, way off. I think he's doing what my W did - grasping at straws to make today less bad without recognizing that doing that makes every day in the future worse.

Please get a second professional opinion on handling your daughter and your M.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband, like many way wards, likes to make himself the victim. Well, we don't to accept that. BS did not do ruin their lives. WS did a fine job of that on their own. Your husband needs to get to the point where he recognizes this. And chances are he's been in this mode most of his life…blaming others' for his circumstances instead of looking within.

It took my SAWH at least 7 months to begin to show signs of empathy and truly understand the impact of his affair on his kids, his finances, etc. By that point, I was really only hours away from pulling the trigger on the divorce. The only thing that stopped me - that continues to stop me - is that the addiction counselor he is seeing says we need to wait a total of one year from the time he entered treatment. So we'll see…things are better, but I am not 100% sold. And something tells me I may never be. I need to figure out if that is what I am willing to live with or if ultimately, I need to say I'm done.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input everyone

Sisoon- we have gotten a second opinion. First opinion was from the inpatient doc. Second opinion was from her IC. IC says there is never going to be a good time for DD, but there are going to be "less bad" times to do it, and now is definitely not it.

DD doesn't threaten to commit suicide, she flat out attempts it with no warning. The one time she was hospitalized for ideation alone only happened because the school tipped me off to a possible suicide pact between DD and another student. When I confronted her about it, she was blatantly suicidal with a plan. Her level of depression is almost baffling to the docs and counselors. IC said she has never met a teen as depressed as my DD. Doc agrees. It's terribly sad. We are kind of in uncharted waters right now because she has not responded to traditional therapies/meds. Had to start with a new psychiatrist because the previous one didn't know what else to do with her and wanted DD to try someone with more experience. DD and I both like new doc and she is willing to think outside the box.

It's just a completely messed up situation. Her IC is really pushing her to start establishing her friend group again (she hadn't gotten together with her BFFs outside of school in over a year). I think the idea is that she needs a support system firmly in place, among other things.

[This message edited by nekorb at 12:37 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong - I forgot to answer your question...

My first thought is that the payoff of limbo is that for the moment I'm doing what my daughter needs/what her docs/IC advise, etc.

My second thought is that I hope it is irritating OW every single minute of every day that WH is still here.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your payoffs sound like very good reasons. Focus on getting stronger, take care of your health and your children, and let your WH fight his own demons.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...my IC and I are working on getting my own self shored up so that I can support the kids when the dookey hits the fan.

I read somewhere that one of the reasons that a marriage breaking up is so hard on the kids is that the parents are so absorbed in trying to get their own lives back together that they have no time and energy to help the kids.

I guess that's a payoff of limbo too, in its own way...time for me to adjust. I can't imagine if I had to support them through it as well during that time when I was literally laying on the bedroom floor crying and couldn't function.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now might be a good time to come up with something special just between you and DD17. Maybe a routine everyday when she gets home - chatting for an hour while eating something good, or cooking and eating dinner together, or going out to do something she loves on Saturdays each weekend, etc. Some sort of thing just between you two that will not change when your H leaves.

It sounds like he is going to leave, one way or another, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. And that must be very painful for you - but honestly, he's deeply unhealthy and he's hurting your whole family with his selfishness. Even if your daughter is more stable by then, it is still going to hurt. So why not come up with something special that's just for you two, that will still be there no matter what your H does? Why not make a special bond with her right now? It could really help her when your H's true colors are revealed. Or it could be something special between all three of your children and you. So she doesn't feel alone.

Just a thought. When my family splintered, the think that hurt was that the ones of us who were left got disconnected from each other too. It would have been nice if there were more get-togethers, especially then, but I felt even more isolated. It might be nice to get you, your DDs, and your DS as closely knit as possible before your H does what he's going to do, and keep that close-knit feeling after.

(((hugs to you and your children)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:29 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the suggestion silver hopes. I like it.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes yes yes. Start focussing on nice/fun things you can do with them now, that don't involve their dad. You WILL be a family without him, and you can be a strong one... maybe stronger than ever. We are.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please stay in counseling w your WS as long as possible, just to keep another set of eyes on the situation and you will never get this chance again - having him in counseling. His "fog" will make him not want to keep coming, because he doesn't want to be woken up from the fantasy of him/ow future. I was just thinking today that the "fog" I was in was just as bad as XWH fog during those days 6 months after he left us. At that time, he was blaming me for everything, but attended 3 counseling sessions because the kids counselor insisted. I thought they weren't helping, but looking back, the counselor was SLOWLY bringing him into reality. In the world of my XHW at that time was really going on was that OW was pushing him to hurry and end it with me, stop going to counseling with us, or she was gonna find someone else. It was pissing him off. She even broke it off with my xwh and started dating another guy just to play head games with him. During this time, WS wouldn't pay for counseling, said kids didn't need it, told the kids they didn't have to go, etc. So, to answer your question,,, it is your timetable, not his. Slowly but steadily get your mind repaired, and sometimes in counseling just let the marriage counselor do their job in getting your WH to wake up. You don't have to argue with him about kids/counseling, etc, just keep going.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2149 | Registered: Jan 2012
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your WH, as he says he does, cares about your kids and especially your daughter,I would think it's not unreasonable to ask him to put the A on hold for now. You say you're done with him and he is with you. Can you put it to him that you understand that he wants to leave, you're ok with that, and won't hold him back, but now he needs to focus on the family. If his OW is such a great catch and they're so made for each other then it won't hurt either of them to wait a few weeks or months. Or is he worried she might not wait for him, in which case it's not really such a great relationship? Put it to him that if she really cares about him and is such a wonderful person then she won't mind hanging on for a little while until your daughter is more stable. I somehow suspect she won't like that suggestion,although if she is so worth loosing his family for then she should understand, a little more time apart won't hurt their long-term relationship.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the support everyone!

Overland done - I'm nowhere near done with him. I would love to R and even after he leaves, my door will be open to R if he shows up and is truly remorseful and ready to work on the marriage. My marriage vows are really important to me and I don't want this. However, if he is going to push forward with it, I'm not going to let him steamroll me. I'm actually about to start another thread about that it in a second.

Also, early on when everything started happening with DD I said to him, " I know I you are only here because of the situation right now. But it is SO hurtful to me that you are having this A right under my nose. I need you to just put it on hold until you move out.".

His reply, without even a hesitation, "Not happening.".

Yeah. It sucked. Sucks. Present tense.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry nekorb,didn't realise he'd said that to you. What a stupid, selfish prick he is.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - and yes, I will continue to go to counseling as long as we can. We are not working toward a goal of R on any level, because he doesn't want that. We are working on just being able to communicate.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 35
Pages: 1 · 2

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