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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I need to consider before filing for D?
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 1 year and 2 months since dday. I told my counselor I think I want D. She wants me to make a list of all the things that would be affected by D before bringing this up to WH. What are some things I might be leaving off my list that I should consider? As far as assets go we have a conservative paid for home and my own personal 401k. He doesn't have one. I understand these 2 assets would most likely have to be split equally. Other than that this is what I have thought of so far most of which revolve around our dear daughter, DD.

DD daycare and school situation
DD Bday
DD Holidays
DD possible sense of feeling responsible
DDs well being
DDs possible jealousy of complete families
In law drama
Step grandparents (possible)
Step siblings (possible)
Step parents (possible)
Nights without one of her parents
DD different last name than mom?
Moving DDs stuff back and forth (jackets, shoes, toys, backpacks, etc)
Custody decisions
Courts
Lawyers
Expense. Legal fees
My sports team schedule
Work conflicts
Health benefits (WH would lose benefits)
My last name

Mothers day/fathers day
Alone nights without DD
Picking up DD sick from school
Staying home with sick baby from work
School performances
Difficult morning and even routines when alone
Dinner responsibilities on own
Repair items alone
moving
protection/safety
sadness surrounding divorce
possibility of being alone
possible depression
friends we shared



Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that I don't see listed is that you will no longer have to wonder if your spouse is betraying you.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 564 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right I have not made a list of the positives. I should do that. I guess I trying to think about all of the negative items to make sure I can handle D.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget dealing with unexpected/expected
Expenses. - sports, college, medical, etc.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the thing of it is, though, you'll never be able to compile a list of everything and have an answer for everything in advance. You'll never be hit with all of these things all at once. Divorce is a slow-moving train wreck.

What is the point of the list? To convince you to stay in a dead marriage? There is such a thing as overthinking.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe your IC asked you to do this. I made lists like this in my head all the time and my IC was always smacking me in the face with something like what Weeping Buddhist said.

In fact, even when we tore apart my list like yours she always had a positive alternative for the negative I had. Reflecting on just what H did/does and didn't/doesn't do in having to objectively describe it to a stranger and not in whineywife ways was very eye opening to just how much I do MYSELF ANYWAY. The rest of the list she would ask me to imagine my worst case scenario and kept asking "and so?"

Maybe your IC has the same idea. Or maybe your IC just wants to make sure you aren't just dwelling on the negative.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things to consider:

Was the A a deal breaker for you ?

Or can you attempt R if your WS is HUGELY remorseful and is trying to make things up to you?

If A was a deal breaker, than staying with a WS, even if remorseful, is still very corrosive to the soul..

Some people HAVE to D when the A is a deal breaker..

They feel a need to get financial and custody issues of living separately ironed out to protect themselves..

D may be their way of reclaiming their dignity and pride ...

Only AFTER a D would these people consider rebuilding a relationship with remorseful WS knowing that a remarriage or living together is off the table for them..

I think your IC may be encouraging you to think of all the things affected by D and get your ducks on a row on these issues prior to bringing D up with your WS..A smart thing to do..

My suggestion to consider is to find a divorce support group IRL and start attending..The advantage to attending a group in your area is that you will learn from other people how the courts and judges tend to do things in your jurisdiction...

If you like the group that you are involved in then you will have a ready made place IRL to vent about D issues.. You will come to realize that these people know exactly what you are saying because they have BTDT...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:55 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think you need to consider this.

Your DD will be raised by a mom that demands the respect she deserves, and will be happy, and healthy.

This is far more important than worrying about if you are capable of fixing the garbage disposal, or changing a tire. It is also more important than worrying about inlaw drama, how holidays will be split, and school performances.

I would guess that you are a list maker in general, and tend to be focused on the things you can control. However I am betting your IC was wanting you to look at the possibilities of the positive things that come from D.

Like your daughter is young enough that she won't remember the time that you are unhappy. That your M was broken. She will remember that mom is amazingly organized, and taught me to respect myself and accept nothingless than complete respect, and awe from a man. You will also teach her that she needs a man for NOTHING.

You will be able to fix things on your own, you will figure out how to have a dinner on the table during the week, after working a full day, running to extracurricular activities for her, and even spending some time on yourself for whatever your interest is.

This is what I think you should be considering.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BINGO to what tushnurse said!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doggie diva you raise a really good point. WH is not fully remorseful on top of me feeling like an A was a deal breaker. So even if I cannot fully make up my mind the A was a deal breaker I can make up my mind he has not done everything I have told him I needed: to go to IC and MC together regularly without me being the one yo schedule all the appointments and drag him along, read on his own, to be able to tell me why this happened and work on the root causes. Thank you all for your advice and support here


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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