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User Topic: Do you hate the OW?
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did for a while. Now I pity the dumb bitch.

It's been 5+ years for her, 4+ XH was still M'd. XH has been free to M OW for almost a year. No ring, no engagement, no nothing. OW has wasted 5+ years on MM, has nothing to show other than a battered reputation.

I can't help but feel sorry for OW. WTF would waste years of their life for crumbs? We all know the answer to that question ...

It's almost like hating a vicious dog. The dog may be nasty, but it can't ever transcend the fact that it's a dog, IYKWIM.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on the day of the week--or maybe what cycle the moon is in. I don't really know. Sometimes I do hate her. Sometimes I feel pity for her. Most of the time now I don't think about her, so I don't feel much about her at all. There are times when I still have flashes of anger. I think she is a terrible human being, but I also understand that she is mentally ill and that my FWH told her a lot of lies that drove some of her behavior. Who should I hate for that?

Sometimes I check up on her and see that bad things have happened to her. I am glad because I think she deserves to suffer for what she did. But, I also know that she suffered (maybe still does) because she was devastated when my FWH dumped her. She made a lot of life decisions (like leaving her BH) based on lies that FWH told her. I pity her for being so stupid. But I also feel some compassion for her. I believed my FWH's lies too.

Maybe it would be easier if I could just hate her all of the time. I think it is best if I just don't think about her at all. Hard to do--but easier over time. I will never think well of her, that is for sure!
Early on I said that if she were on fire in the front yard, I would not bother to call the fire department to put her out--still true today. Ok, maybe I do hate her. What phase is the moon in tonight?

Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1344 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate her but don't spend any time on it. Only a passing thought here and there when I have questions of WS.
I hope she's dead- I have no idea- but I hope she died a slow, awful, painful death. Probably did since she ran around having unprotected sex as a matter of course. That's generally my only thought about her though.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do. But it is no longer that white-hot burning hatred. It's now just a fact. She takes up very little room in my world.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. I hate her and always will. Like a prior poster said, it's not a burning, vengeful hatred that consumes my brain anymore. It's now just a matter of fact. I have no guilt for it and I will never apologize for it. She deserves to be hated. She helped ruin my family, devastate my children, and change my life forever. She knew he was married with small kids and went after him anyway. How she could deserve anything but my hatred is beyond me.

At the same time, I pity her. I pity her for how stupid, and desperate, and immature she is. I pity her endless need for drama and attention and to make the world believe she has a charmed life. Most of all, I pity her for the man she zeroed in on - my exWH. She had and probably still has no idea the depth of his laziness, selfishness, and personality/character flaws.

I can't wait for the day when she gets to see him, the real him, in all his glory just like I did.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YEA I hate OW....not for having a LTA with my stupid husband: Those two are adults and both of them made the CHOICE to engage in an adulterous affair.

BUT, once OW involved me and my young daughter her HER MESS, and she decided it was OK to threaten to kill me and my daughter...all bets were off and I made sure that crazy, psycho bitch paid..And I took care of her through the court system.

I have every right to hate her!

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6153 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually wish ow well - I hope she heals. She's as redeemable as anyone else.

At this point, I wouldn't give her the time of day, though.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still early days for me so I admit I HATE the @#$%^ and I am not proud of the fact that she takes up most of my daily thoughts. My H and I are R and he is doing everything he is supposed to post A. I have access to his FB and have found where the OW has "liked" pictures of my H and pictures of our child. Some of the pics she even commented on. The comments do not elude to any A but they still bother me because it is like another intrusion on my life. Honestly what kind of person "likes" pictures of your child while they are having an A with your husband? Sick IMO!!!!!

My H has deleted her as a friend on FB on Dday but I need him to delete any pics she liked or commented on too. Agreed or am I being crazy????

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♂ Member
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't hate him per se, I hate his type. The ones that knowingly go after someone married until they get what they want.

Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
♀ Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep..can't stand the bitch. Hope she gets what she deserves!

Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes and no. Let me explain - yes I hate her for being an immoral whore who thought nothing of running around with a married man. Yes because in their sick way I seemed to be made the fool in their antics. I know its not true but thats how it felt at the time. They were coworkers at a trucking company who haul product to my company where I am a senior safety professional. Talk about making me look like a fool by a greasy truck driver (not saying all truckers are greasy but she is). Yes because she is beautiful and thin, I have always been a large girl and struggled with my weight and self esteem. They made a fool of me personally and professionally and so I fricken hate her guts for that.

Fortunately I have risen above all of this. I have the right people behind me and they know who the real fools are - her and him. No surprise but they are no longer together and a year ago he called begging me back and I was strong enough to tell him its over and that will never happen. I forgave him for hurting me so bad but in no way do I want to be his friend but I can be civil to him.

And for her, as much as I despise her I have forgiven her to. I know he probably lied to her many many many times. He thought the grass would be greener on her side of the fence and later learned it wasn't. And really, she did me the biggest favor of my life by given me a solid reason to divorce his alcoholic, drug addicted, mentally abusive ass. Had it not been for their affair I would have stood by his side as the good wife forever all the while sacrificing my happiness because I took my vows seriously.

Mostly now I don't even think of the bitch. I was asked the other day about her and If I hate her and explained the yes/no thing. I decided I 80% hate and 20% appreciate that really she set me free.

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
♀ Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strange because I was actually thinking of starting this topic myself. I was discussing it with my IC last week. Yes I do hate OW. I hate her with an absolute hatred. If we lived in the Middle Ages I would like to see her burned at the stake. When I think of her I want to tear the flesh off her face. For me she is the vilest and lowest of human beings.

ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, my fwh found the one person more f#%^€{ up than him to pump his sad ego up....I don't really think about her much anymore and actually ran into her at the store. I don't know if she knew who I was but I had expected to feel rage, anxiety, disgust or SOMETHING if I ever saw her but all I felt was a little curiosity.
It's been a long time (5 years) but honestly the only time I think about her at all is when I see her poor BS ON TV or hear about her daughters. Just last week her husband was on the television and I said to my husband to look at him, that is the man whose marriage you inserted yourself into. He was disgusted with himself, as I was.

M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 758 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I hated the OW, but soon after I realized who was to blame.
I find the OW just pathetic. They take the leftovers. Most men go to OW for sex, attention, ego boost after their wives have put them aside for long time because of other issues in their lives and marriage.
I have been in forums where the Other Person is speaking. It's typical. The married men are cake eaters. When things go south and they have to choose, they choose wife.
I know women who are promiscuous but they never go near married men. They are not pathetic. They just enjoy their lives the way they want. There's a huge difference. OW who go in an A with MM have big self issues.

DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ Member
Member # 42013
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I hate the OW more than anybody and everything. I hate how she has no morals. I hate how she lies. I hate how she can't even apologize for her part in in all. I hate her poor me attitude. I just really hate who she is...

ME: 21
WH: 25
One 2 year old, one 4 month old.
D Day: 11/30/13 (my birthday)
EA and PA with COW
currently in R

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I hate her! She knowingly started what she did with my H.... knew he was married.... knew he had a family and tons of pictures on his desk of his family. It didn't stop her from pursuing the 'friendship'. Not that I let the H off the hook either. He was the one married and knew it.

In short... I do hate her though..... partly because she called me and lied to me... and then cussed me out over everything like I was to blame.

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. I am 5 years out and I think that is the only feeling that has not mellowed. I know her well. She made my life miserable for over 10 years. She was also the victim of a cheating husband and knew the pain firsthand... she also knew what that did to her child. Knowing full well the consequences, she chose with open eyes to bring that pain upon another family for her own benefit. To me, that is true evil. When my FWH decided to come clean and repair our marriage...her final words to him were "don't let her win"....
Hell, I didn't even know I was playing the game.

I don't expect that hate to fully go away, ever. that is so sad.

Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, I hate her... I always will. At times, I feel she is stupid. I analyze what made her who she is, and why she acts like she does.. Then it doesnt matter. I hate her. I cuss her anytime I pass a trigger area, but I do it with joy, glad that she is gone. ANd I can reclaim that spot...We have not seen each other, since I had her fired...Wondering about that day.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 977 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much. I would want to beat the man to a pulp if I was ever around him. So, I steer clear of places that I know I may run into him. It's not very hard, because I have little reason to be where he is. If it was at all interfering with the life I wanted to live, I would not be taking this approach.

I know that my WW was the one that cheated. But, he's single, older, has children very close to my age, and knew exactly what he was doing. He did it in front of my face, and I would love nothing more than to rearrange his to return the favor.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't.

I did. Absolutely. I hated her with every fibre of my being. At that point, I was sick with myself for feeling that way about another human being. Then I learned to accept that what I felt was okay, and it faded into a "don't like her. Hope I never see her again. Wouldn't shed a tear for her." kind of feeling.

Over time, even those feelings have dissipated. Do I want to see her? No. I have no more wish to talk to her than I do anyone who has hurt me and shown no remorse. Do I wish her ill? Nope. Do I dislike her? Not really. I figure one of two things has happened. Either she has continued to feel justified for her A and nothing I felt or could feel is relevant. Or, perhaps she is remorseful and has to live with those feelings every day. If that's the case, I just hope for her and her family's sake that they are all doing better. I would not want to walk her road.

This happened over time and without my spending effort on eliminating the hatred I felt. I am not a big fan of "she is not your problem - focus on your WS" or "forgiveness is for youself, so hurry up already." I don't think ignoring or minimizing the negative emotions toward the AP is any wiser than refusing to address any of the tough stuff from the affair. One way or another those feelings have to be felt; the danger is in getting stuck in them and not moving forward. I don't think many BSs who are a few years out are being held back by their feelings of anger toward the AP. Who says it's not okay to dislike someone who has done something inherently unlikeable?

Just my 2 cents.

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Nov 2010
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