It's such a conflicting thing for me and bothers me quite a lot. It almost feels like I want to hate her and can't. I sometimes fnd myself saying that stupid whore...then I chastise myself for saying something I know isn't true. I'm still trying to work it out in counselling actual (my protective feelings for her and my disgust as what she has done) ugh!
Frankly, I think she is someone who is sexually inhibited and my pursuing husband was someone she could "test" her sexuality out on. I really don't know, I'm so confused by the whole thing.
I certainly wouldn't be heart broken if infidelity touches her life at some point in the future and I hope she has a heavy dose of guilt, but that's about it, I would never be happy if any harm came to her.
However AP#1 & 2? I would love to torment them the rest of their days. For many many reasons due to how the affairs began and continued.
Alas, I'm a better person. I will just enjoy the fact that my husband never loved them, never thought of a life with them and is remorseful every day.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Yes I hate her deeply and permanently. She knew what she was doing...... I will never forgive her.
Same here. I'm not given to hating people, but I feel no guilt whatsoever about hating OW.
She changed my life forever. Even if my marriage one day becomes idyllically happy, the scar from the affair will always be there and I shall never totally trust my husband again.
Like an earlier poster, I fantasize about ways of exacting vengeance - real and imaginary, serious and funny - but I can't think of any that would hurt her without hurting me. (Probably that's just as well!) I can't bring myself to wish her dead, but since she still worked at the same place as my husband, I was jubilant when she lost her job through layoffs. I did feel a little guilty about that.
As for forgiving her, I will never, ever, EVER do that. She destroyed my life as it was, my career, my happiness - just for an ego boost. I am sure that even now, she takes great satisfaction in remembering, and in telling her pals, how another woman's husband would once have thrown away wife, honorable reputation, and goodness knows what else, if she had agreed to run away with him. Which she had no intention of doing. She just enjoyed the adulation.
Forgive her? Not a chance. The woman most certainly does not deserve my forgiveness. I know that we are commanded to love our enemies, but none of us is perfect and I don't feel that my lack of even the desire to forgive an immoral, lying woman who almost destroyed my life is a major stumbling block to my faith. In my opinion, such forgiveness is too much to expect of those not destined for sainthood or greatness. And I'm afraid that I have little tolerance for those in influential positions who try to make ordinary, imperfect people like me feel guilty for not forgiving those who have used them so ill.
[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
I know that she was pursuing him, and if it wasn't him it most likely would have been someone else.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
The hurt and pain I felt from her betrayal was just as difficult to deal with as my husband's.
I think I hated her at first, but I am not sure if it was hate or overwhelming hurt. I do know I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her life to be filled with misery and pain.
I stalked her facebook page and rejoiced at every bad experience she went through.
After dday her husband threw her out and divorced her. Her kids chose to live with him and it made my heart sing. She bought a business, it failed (YAY) She filed for bankrupcy, lost her new soul mate and went to live in a shit hole apartment somewhere. I was thrilled with every negative event that went her way.
I got further along in my healing and little by little I reached indifference (it took a long, long time). I didn't care anymore about her about her feelings or her life.I stopped looking at her FB and social media. Hmmm...ok I figured that was it.
This past year I started to see her idiot, selfish, hurtful choices as pain. Her pain. Her FOO issues, her childhood traumas. I had many of the same issues and trials she had. I recognized the broken woman she was and I pitied her. I feel bad she never grasped the opportuinty to heal. She never accepted the gift of giving life a second chance. She threw away her life and her kids love and a wonderful friend/friends to find something/someone that would ultimately not fix her problems.
She continues to be a train wreck.
I have been on a steady path to healing. I look at myself and try to live authentically, I live with integrity and honesty. I see my flaws and weaknesses and address them.
Today, 6 1/2 years later, I wish for her healing. I hope she finds strength and the ability to look further than the next relationship to make her whole.
I want her to be well and I have forgiven her.
I didn't try to, didn't expect to, but have found a softer place in my heart because of it.
I don't expect others to feel as I do. I don't judge someone if they don't forgive or feel like they wish the karma bus to hit. I just know this is where I have found myself, and I accept it. I welcome the quiet in my brain and in my heart.
Good luck to all of us. I pray we all find a way that makes each of us contect.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
Don't get me wrong, I direct a ton of anger towards my WH, too.
I would just really, really like to see her world crumble like mine has since DD.
3 children from 10 to 16.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?
While there are things to pity about her, as I do not think a young, single person takes up with a married coworker 12 years her senior, not only knowing that his wife is pregnant with her 4th child, but retaining his wife to represent her in legal proceedings, and continuing to take the crumbs the MM throws at her for more than a year, is an emotionally healthy person - I can't say that dissipates my anger.
She, like my X, made poor decisions affecting innocent bystanders, day after day for 1 1/2 years.
SO, no, not a fan...
I do not think anybody on this forum needs to explain or justify hating the AP. I do not like hating anyone, just as I do not like anything associated with the A. Period. There are also other people that encouraged the A that I now loathe. None of them are in my life now and they do not need to be. I could chose differently, but for now, I chose to hate her. Someday I may change my mind.
She is not on my mind as much these days, but I will never forget her telling me, to my face, to get over it. When I told her she had shown no remorse, she scrunched up her face like a middle schooler and whined out "I'm soooooorrrrrrryyyyyy". It took a great deal of strength not to slap the smirk off of her face. She sent an email right after DDay to her close friends, including my H, saying she was not sorry for her choices or her life and she had no regrets. She said she was in a "good place" in her life. Well, great for her.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I have hated her. If the lady would simply accept that he is done with her, and that her kids are a priority for him as a parent and I support him in that.. and behave herself and work with us, I could most get over how I feel.
But, she is relentless. Asking for sex, demanding he fulfill her list of fences to jump to prove himself worthy of getting re-married. She demands sex and std tests, she wants more and more money. She manipulates, is smug and arrogant. She says she is going to have 2 more kids and HE is going to be their father so hurry up and impregnate her. It goes on and on and on.
The aggrivation never stops and we can't just ditch her because of the children.
So I can get pretty angry at her. I have a fantasy that one day he will say "Kalliopeia, I WILL accept your offer to fund a custody battle and we will take the kids and raise them ourselves."
Not going to happen, but one can dream.
[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 11:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
I do think that she is a selfish and despicable person, who did despicable things, but I suspect she did them because of how shitty she felt about herself. She thought she could use my H to make her lot in life better. It struck me today how far from Love the way they treated each other really is. It is the antithesis of love.
I feel grateful to be strong, and capable, and kind and loyal, even if I am hurt. She can't say those things about herself -- may never be able to. So, while I am hurt, I'd far rather be me.
MLK said "Never sink so low as to let someone make you hate them," or words to that effect. So, I think I'll hover a shade or two above hatred, and shoot for indifference.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.