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User Topic: Do you hate the OW?
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say I do and I have awful thoughts about her and think about revenge but deep in my heart, I don't. I definitely hate what she did but she is a young, inexperienced woman who got in over her head.

It's such a conflicting thing for me and bothers me quite a lot. It almost feels like I want to hate her and can't. I sometimes fnd myself saying that stupid whore...then I chastise myself for saying something I know isn't true. I'm still trying to work it out in counselling actual (my protective feelings for her and my disgust as what she has done) ugh!

Frankly, I think she is someone who is sexually inhibited and my pursuing husband was someone she could "test" her sexuality out on. I really don't know, I'm so confused by the whole thing.

I certainly wouldn't be heart broken if infidelity touches her life at some point in the future and I hope she has a heavy dose of guilt, but that's about it, I would never be happy if any harm came to her.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
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Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate all 4 of them. They knew he was married, didn't care.

However AP#1 & 2? I would love to torment them the rest of their days. For many many reasons due to how the affairs began and continued.

Alas, I'm a better person. I will just enjoy the fact that my husband never loved them, never thought of a life with them and is remorseful every day.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Member # 12764
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I hate her. And then sometimes I pity her.
Which sounds weird, since I am divorced, and she is living w/ him in our old house. Bitch!
I've hated her over the years for many (obvious) reasons.
More recently, I hate her because she thinks we should all be friends, and have dinner, and because there isn't a chance in hell, she says that I am bitter, and won't get over it.
Her reasoning is that we live in a small town and our personal and professional paths have to cross more often than is comfortable. I continue to look past her if I am anywhere public near her. I have spoken to her politely yet aloofly :) when the situation has called for it, but have no intention to befriend her just so it won't be awkward for her. Fuck her.
Pity her...
because thanks to my cheating ex who has no sense of boundaries, I know that he is not so happy w/ her, to say the least.
And, because she's with a cheater, and she knows it. And she knows he is keeping things from her.
And it is causing problems in their relationship.
Awwww, that's too bad.


The cure for anything is Salt Water; Sweat, Tears and the Sea
Isak Dinesen

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: PNW
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Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I hate her deeply and permanently. She knew what she was doing...... I will never forgive her.

Same here. I'm not given to hating people, but I feel no guilt whatsoever about hating OW.

She changed my life forever. Even if my marriage one day becomes idyllically happy, the scar from the affair will always be there and I shall never totally trust my husband again.

Like an earlier poster, I fantasize about ways of exacting vengeance - real and imaginary, serious and funny - but I can't think of any that would hurt her without hurting me. (Probably that's just as well!) I can't bring myself to wish her dead, but since she still worked at the same place as my husband, I was jubilant when she lost her job through layoffs. I did feel a little guilty about that.

As for forgiving her, I will never, ever, EVER do that. She destroyed my life as it was, my career, my happiness - just for an ego boost. I am sure that even now, she takes great satisfaction in remembering, and in telling her pals, how another woman's husband would once have thrown away wife, honorable reputation, and goodness knows what else, if she had agreed to run away with him. Which she had no intention of doing. She just enjoyed the adulation.

Forgive her? Not a chance. The woman most certainly does not deserve my forgiveness. I know that we are commanded to love our enemies, but none of us is perfect and I don't feel that my lack of even the desire to forgive an immoral, lying woman who almost destroyed my life is a major stumbling block to my faith. In my opinion, such forgiveness is too much to expect of those not destined for sainthood or greatness. And I'm afraid that I have little tolerance for those in influential positions who try to make ordinary, imperfect people like me feel guilty for not forgiving those who have used them so ill.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2009
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. She was nothing to me. I never knew her. She had no responsibility to me. Actually, I pity her. She didn't have a mom like me.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On DDay I did...I don't any longer. I have hated my WW more now then I did at DDay. Though for the most part, the hate is slowly dissipating.

I know that she was pursuing him, and if it wasn't him it most likely would have been someone else.

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2013
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, I feel sorry for their husband and kids.
I just don't ever want to see them.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.

Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
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Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was my friend.

The hurt and pain I felt from her betrayal was just as difficult to deal with as my husband's.

I think I hated her at first, but I am not sure if it was hate or overwhelming hurt. I do know I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her life to be filled with misery and pain.

I stalked her facebook page and rejoiced at every bad experience she went through.

After dday her husband threw her out and divorced her. Her kids chose to live with him and it made my heart sing. She bought a business, it failed (YAY) She filed for bankrupcy, lost her new soul mate and went to live in a shit hole apartment somewhere. I was thrilled with every negative event that went her way.

I got further along in my healing and little by little I reached indifference (it took a long, long time). I didn't care anymore about her about her feelings or her life.I stopped looking at her FB and social media. Hmmm...ok I figured that was it.

This past year I started to see her idiot, selfish, hurtful choices as pain. Her pain. Her FOO issues, her childhood traumas. I had many of the same issues and trials she had. I recognized the broken woman she was and I pitied her. I feel bad she never grasped the opportuinty to heal. She never accepted the gift of giving life a second chance. She threw away her life and her kids love and a wonderful friend/friends to find something/someone that would ultimately not fix her problems.

She continues to be a train wreck.

I have been on a steady path to healing. I look at myself and try to live authentically, I live with integrity and honesty. I see my flaws and weaknesses and address them.

Today, 6 1/2 years later, I wish for her healing. I hope she finds strength and the ability to look further than the next relationship to make her whole.

I want her to be well and I have forgiven her.

I didn't try to, didn't expect to, but have found a softer place in my heart because of it.

I don't expect others to feel as I do. I don't judge someone if they don't forgive or feel like they wish the karma bus to hit. I just know this is where I have found myself, and I accept it. I welcome the quiet in my brain and in my heart.

Good luck to all of us. I pray we all find a way that makes each of us contect.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
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Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read these responses saying yep, me too, you betcha, of course...
I have struggled with my feelings of hatred. After DD I was so full of hatred. Wishing her to get lung CA, sticking needles in my voodoo doll (well as voodoo as a doll mass produced can be). Looking up ways to put a spell on her (really, that is how crazed I was). I wasted so many hours looking at ways to seek revenge. Wasted so many hours scouring FB to learn about her, her friends her family. I wasted so many hours being hateful that she still was on this earth, that she could smile, that she had a job where my H was her boss , that she was enjoying her young dtr her friends her family.
But this hatred was killing me. Killing who I truly am. And disrupting my life, my work and my healing. She was hit by the karma bus- her mother and spouse both have medical issues
I had to have interactions with her due to her mother being a client. That was it. I snapped out of my hatred. I couldn't do it to myself any longer. I was wasting my life hating. So I am back to me. I don't hate. I am disappointed in them both. I realize they both have their issues if why. My H and I are doing great and I have professionally helped her and her mom. And I'm the healthy one now

I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Very much so.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
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Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I hate her. I hate the kind of person she is. I dislike what she did because she was also M and had no regard for what she was doing. Her Husband was ill and she had 2 kids at home but that didn't matter to her or to my WH. I don't know what she looks like and Im at the point where I don't really care anymore. Im glad I don't know her. My husband was not the knight in shining armour she thought he would be. He ended it before I found out and when that happened she didn't want to give up. She is no longer a part of our lives in the physical sense and Im happy for that. Im glad that WH has seen the light and come out of the fog. All there is is US and that's what we need to focus on.


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
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Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always hate her. And I will never forgive her.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
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Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont hate the OW.
In my case she didnt know WH was married, and he never said anything to her about being married. He was out of state for almost 3 months for work training. So I wasnt there to be in the way of his fantasy life.
She went crazy on him when she found out. Started threatening him with telling his employer, friends, etc... I was glad she was ripping him a new asshole from her end too

Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't hate her. I pity her for going after a MM. She had to be pretty deperate at her age to engage in a 3yr A with someone who was already attached. He finally did throw her under the bus after DDay#2 and she continued to try and text him. That shows how absolutely pathetic and broken she really is. She outed him twice to me hoping I would leave him or he would leave me when the truth came out. She tried everything she could do to ruin my marriage, but she wasn't able to. Now when she does cross my mind all I see is a pathetic broken person who got used for sex and his ego kibbles and she is not worth my brain power these days.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
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Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the OW. A lot. I would love to see her life implode before my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I direct a ton of anger towards my WH, too.

I would just really, really like to see her world crumble like mine has since DD.

Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
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Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Most of the time I am indifferent. She isn't someone you can hate - she's totally inoffensive in reality. I think that when I get angry about her what I actually want is for H to hate her, to counteract the fact that he loved her for a while. But in fact it's better if he can remain indifferent to her - hate is too much emotion to expend. I'd rather he kept it for me!

Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do hate the OW.

While there are things to pity about her, as I do not think a young, single person takes up with a married coworker 12 years her senior, not only knowing that his wife is pregnant with her 4th child, but retaining his wife to represent her in legal proceedings, and continuing to take the crumbs the MM throws at her for more than a year, is an emotionally healthy person - I can't say that dissipates my anger.

She, like my X, made poor decisions affecting innocent bystanders, day after day for 1 1/2 years.

SO, no, not a fan...

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer this one, direct question, yes. Yes I do.

I do not think anybody on this forum needs to explain or justify hating the AP. I do not like hating anyone, just as I do not like anything associated with the A. Period. There are also other people that encouraged the A that I now loathe. None of them are in my life now and they do not need to be. I could chose differently, but for now, I chose to hate her. Someday I may change my mind.

She is not on my mind as much these days, but I will never forget her telling me, to my face, to get over it. When I told her she had shown no remorse, she scrunched up her face like a middle schooler and whined out "I'm soooooorrrrrrryyyyyy". It took a great deal of strength not to slap the smirk off of her face. She sent an email right after DDay to her close friends, including my H, saying she was not sorry for her choices or her life and she had no regrets. She said she was in a "good place" in her life. Well, great for her.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

main OW in my case is his ex wife. That he got her pregnant adds weight to my feelings.

I have hated her. If the lady would simply accept that he is done with her, and that her kids are a priority for him as a parent and I support him in that.. and behave herself and work with us, I could most get over how I feel.

But, she is relentless. Asking for sex, demanding he fulfill her list of fences to jump to prove himself worthy of getting re-married. She demands sex and std tests, she wants more and more money. She manipulates, is smug and arrogant. She says she is going to have 2 more kids and HE is going to be their father so hurry up and impregnate her. It goes on and on and on.

The aggrivation never stops and we can't just ditch her because of the children.

So I can get pretty angry at her. I have a fantasy that one day he will say "Kalliopeia, I WILL accept your offer to fund a custody battle and we will take the kids and raise them ourselves."

Not going to happen, but one can dream.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 11:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know. Hate seems so strong, and so final. I don't want to care that much.

I do think that she is a selfish and despicable person, who did despicable things, but I suspect she did them because of how shitty she felt about herself. She thought she could use my H to make her lot in life better. It struck me today how far from Love the way they treated each other really is. It is the antithesis of love.

I feel grateful to be strong, and capable, and kind and loyal, even if I am hurt. She can't say those things about herself -- may never be able to. So, while I am hurt, I'd far rather be me.

MLK said "Never sink so low as to let someone make you hate them," or words to that effect. So, I think I'll hover a shade or two above hatred, and shoot for indifference.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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