Last night he said he felt "pathetic". He said that he's a grown man who can't take care of himself and isn't outgoing socially, so when he goes out with his friends to try to get his mind off things a while he just ends up feeling depressed and lonely like the old guy at the bar who is just sad. I hate that I've done this to him.
I've been so worried about his health and just trying to take care of him as best I can while he is sorting thru his feelings (we are S, but living together still and he is trying to "find himself" before he commits to R). I cook nice meals for him (this is nothing new, I've always taken care of him and enjoy nurturing him) and keep the house clean. Today I made him breakfast and dinner, washed his bed sheets and helped him put up his new speakers his family got him for Christmas.
I'm more the mechanical one of the two of us. I have tools my dad will buy me for holidays and buy my H a sweater. I like stuff like that. The weekend of DDay we'd just bought a new dishwasher and I installed it. My H played video games while I did to stay out of the way. And he's typically not interested in this stuff and I've tried to show him stuff before. But today I worried as I was splicing and wiring, that my H was frustrated more with himself. He wanted and needed my help. We both knew this, but I didn't make a big deal about it.
However, I think that given where we are right now I worry anyway that he appreciates the nurturing and the help, but he also feels worse about himself bc he knows he needs it in addition to appreciating it. And I worry that I'm doing more harm than good. We've always had this running joke that I'm more the man in the relationship and he's the woman.
I think your assessment of the "needy" feeling he may be experiencing is probably the key to remember. I know that my H feels "needy" and gets self-conscious about it. I always try to assure him that I am "needy" too, just in different ways. That's what a true partnership is all about. His emotions are running high so it's all amplified. I just want to be as sensitive to this as I can be.
The world will be a better place when we are not defined by our gender, but our value as human beings.
It sounds like both you and your BH are uncomfortable with your somewhat atypical gender roles. So get to the heart of that. And if you are to stay together, you will need to both be more secure in who you really are.
[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:31 PM, January 20th (Monday)]