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User Topic: Why are affairs so prevalent?
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you look at us in our caveman days, we weren't programmed to be monogamous.

Only problem is, we are not cavemen and it is not caveman days. In general, humans are serially monogamous. In other words, we tend to pair up with one mate at a time. If a mate dies or leaves, we are able to pair up with a new one. This is unlike some birds which are monogamous with one mate for life.

In those caveman days, a human child would have been very difficult to raise to a level where it could survive independently. Therefore, the chances of survival increases significantly when both parents contribute to raising the child. This is why humans prefer to pair bond; even today.

your ultimate goal as a man would be to spread your seed.

Menz got "the need to seed" and just can't control themselves! Sorry, not buying it. It also does not explain why affairs are also prevalent among women.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:28 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because women want to get pregnant?

Anyways, there's a major case of missing the point here, and maybe it's just that I'm not quite explaining things. So let me start over.

Despite being one of the most advanced animals on earth, we are still just that: animals. We still have primal instincts: the need of food and water, the need to seek shelter, the desire to reproduce, etc. these are normal, natural things.

Generally, things like stealing is wrong, right? But what if one of your primal needs weren't being met? If you're homeless and starving, I'm sure stealing a loaf of bread from the baker is all that more tempting than if you were well fed. Is stealing still wrong? Of course.

The problem is that Waywards have a need that's unmet; it can be as simple as lack of sexual needs being met, or as complex as not being emotionally nurtured. Now is this the betrayed's fault? NO!

The reason is while yes these are needs and that they should be met, the wayward in question took the wrong path. If say I was lacking physical touch from BBF, the proper way to go about it is to talk to him about it. If my needs still aren't met, the honorable thing to do is break it off so I can get my needs met elsewhere. However, given that we're all here we or our spouses chose the opposite of that.

Am I making any sense now? I'm saying we have primal desires that need to be met. There's no if ands or buts. It just is. That doesn't excuse going about meeting those needs with infidelity, but that some people choose that even if its the wrong answer.

We may not be cavemen anymore, but those urges are still there.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Technology anyone? Not sure I've seen a single A discussed here that did not surround the use of cell phones, texting, secret emails, chatrooms, etc. You can meet an AP and destroy your marriage all at the click of a few buttons. The slippery slope is becoming more and more disguised. It's so much easier to flirt, say inappropriate things, make bold statements when you're just typing it into a little machine that then spits out exactly what you want to hear, because the AP has just an easy a time and is getting her rocks off being told the stuff she's being told. By the time you finally get face to face with the AP it's like you're "long lost loves" rather than the total strangers you actually are. Technology has made it so easy. You can cheat on your spouse while sitting right in front of them telling them that you love them, while you're playing with your children, while sitting in a business meeting. Hell, I would never be as vocal, bold, and open if you were all sitting in my living room. I've got the safety of the screen, and so does, dare I say, every single effing A that happens today.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people cheat is because there is still a very primal part of our brain

I'm not going to agree on any level that cheaters are less evolved than non-cheaters. Some primal instinct may cause someone to want sex with someone else on first sight, or second, but we are far more advanced than that.

Also, if this were the reason, there would never be a female that cheated.

No offense, but this sounds a bit like a cop out.

I've often wondered why some people say this as a reason for infidelity, but never for rape. It would seem that biology and a man wanting to 'spread his seed' would lend itself more to rape than to infidelity. Just my opinion here, but wouldn't taking sex be more primal?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take "putting words in my mouth" for $400, please.

Please cite where I said that cheaters are "less evolved". No. Where. I am at the point where I'm starting to become a bit frustrated in this. Am I just this bad at explaining things, or are people just not getting it?

I'll just reiterate: We all have needs, a wayward has an A because needs aren't (or are perceived to not be) met. The Wayward could have chosen to have these needs met without infidelity, but chose not to. The desire to have needs met isn't wrong, but how it's gone about is. Affairs are prevalent because dumb apes make dumb choices. Some are just simply better at making better choices than others when it comes to these things.

I almost want to just ask people to drop it all together because I guess my problem here is rambling on WAAAYYY too much to where people don't see the point I'm even trying to make.

Also, more than likely, a lot of sex way back when was rape. Again, tribe A takes over tribe B. The women of tribe B are the spoils of war. I'm certain they weren't just having panties flying off for these men.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 8:19 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
toasted22
♂ Member
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People cheat because they look for love in all the wrong places.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2013
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost want to just ask people to drop it all together because I guess my problem here is rambling on WAAAYYY too much to where people don't see the point I'm even trying to make.

No, the problem is that you're trying to use an argument that equates to "uncontrollable desires" to justify or minimize the frequencies of affairs. That's not going to win you many friends here.

Comparing the "wrongness" of infidelity to the "wrongness" of trying to survive by stealing food is not quite the same thing.

Sure- humans are selfish creatures. Almost everything we do is geared towards making ourselves feel better- even some of our most selfless decisions can make us feel good. That doesn't mean that selfish nature should negate "right" vs "wrong."

I had an affair. It felt good, it helped me ignore all of the other problems in my life at the time, but in the end, I knew it was wrong. I used my own free will to decide to engage in this behavior, and Darwin did not put a gun to my head to make me do it. End of story.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's it. I give up. That's NOT what I intended to be seen from that at all. I guess I AM just really that bad at explaining things. I'm done here.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
toasted22
♂ Member
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made a comment earlier that I think people have affairs because they are looking for love in the wrong places.
I was in no way mocking anyone by this comment.

I do believe though that for some that they look for love in places they should not be (outside of marriage).

My BS has challenged me about this to which I am thankful because it it make me think about the sensitivity of what I post here.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I AM just really that bad at explaining things. I'm done here.

Or you maintain a premise that has neither logic nor evidence to support it, you hate having that pointed out to you, you do not have the maturity to entertain the thought you may actually be wrong, so your going to stamp your feet and take your bat & ball and go home.

You may want to examine that attitude to see whether it is a contributing factor to your wayward thinking.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 3:01 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People are just "no ur wrong" about my first post, and completely disregard the second. That's my issue. I'm sorry I derailed the entire topic, so please, I ask that it be dropped now. I mean, we can argue on the basis if I'm right or wrong about the origins of man and whatnot, but people are missing out on what I'm trying to say. So I become frustrated in myself more than I am at the people here.

I have issues with expressing my thoughts sometimes, and I don't know if it's "wayward thinking", but more along the lines of "social fuck up to the point where even internet conversations give me anxiety". Not trying to gain sympathy points there, but that's the cold hard truth about me.

I guess from now on I'll have to think and rewrite and think about my posts thrice times because typing something and proofreading isn't enough. Again, I'm sorry...it's just bad on my part.

Please. I'm sorry.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, we can argue on the basis if I'm right or wrong about the origins of man and whatnot, but people are missing out on what I'm trying to say.

Gently, we do get what you're saying, we just disagree with it.
I don't think it's a case of you not being able to get your thoughts out, I think it might be you want to be heard and you confuse not being heard with not being agreed with.

What do think, is that a possibility?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:27 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However it is the LTA's with repeated NC's or On and Offs that are most baffling.

This is the easiest part of it for me to understand. I never fixed myself. So when I went a month maintaining appropriate contact, the defects that allowed me to start the A were always there. All it took was a dip in the road, and BAM I was right back in.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one took quotes from my second post where I explained myself. Instead, I was attacked for my first, despite trying to remain calm and explain what I was trying to get at in the first place. So when I'm saying people aren't getting it or I'm bad at explaining things, it's because that post was ignored. People just seemed to have...shut off?

Even when I explained that I didn't mean for it to be a cop out and went into detail why it can't be a cop out, I was still being attacked for like that was my intention?

If you disagree with my explanation, fine, but I don't appreciate words being put in my mouth when no, that's not what I meant at all.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to chime in on the whole evolution of monogamy thing…

A theory that gets a lot of respect is…

Human babies are the weakest mammals there are. Need care for years before they can be independent. Very difficult for a cave person single parent.

Mating amongst all other mammals occurs "from the rear". Humans are the only mammals whose mammary glands stay large when not lactating. This creates an erogenous zone on the front of a female. Causing sex to occur more often face to face. Causing greater intimacy and bonding between breeders. Creating a "family" unit that will have much higher odds of offspring survival.

Those of us currently alive are the descendants of "monogamous" cave people.

[This message edited by LetMeRollIt at 9:52 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pointofnoreturn...

No one attacked you. Just because some don't agree with you doesn't make it an attack.

Message boards provide a place for discussion...not everyone is cut from the same cord. Relax.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are affairs so prevalent?

I think one reason that affairs are so prevalent is that we are are bombarded with affairs in all of our media. In so many television shows and movies affairs become part of the story and often they are presented in a form that is not a realistic version of what an affair really is. Try going to the grocery store and while in the checkout lane not look at a story in a magazine talking about a celebrity having an affair. Our leaders who you would think would have a higher standard have affairs as much or more so than average. All these factors influence us and tell us that maybe an affair can be a good thing or everybody is doing it so its not that big of a deal. I would never count it as a reason for someone having an affair but when you constantly get bombarded by these factors every single day they have an effect.

All affairs are unique

Respectfully, I disagree with this. The nitty gritty details are different, but at the core there are only a handful of affairs. The exit, the midlife crisis, the flat out cheater, etc. There really are only a few types of affairs.

I disagree, I really think we too often try to put these affairs in too few categories to figure out what to do when the possibility for the various types are so much more. I am sure it makes for good book writting to try to catergorize affairs because you are not having a real conversation with your audience who is looking for advice. For my own situation, I dont think I have talked with many who have had to deal with an affair like my WWs. In addition, my WWs two affairs are very different themselves.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 37
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