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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had time to read all of the responses, but a few quick thoughts and suggestions. First of all you say you "did love the OM."
You also say
I became another person pretty much.

Bingo. This is because you were in fantasy fog.
You were not you, OM was not himself. You were playing Romeo and Juliet and you loved each others characters, the script, the drama. You're going to figure that out in the next several months/years. OM and you created a bubble of dysfunction that you both became addicted to.
I suggest you not tell your BH that you loved the OM. If he asks you, and I'm sure he will, I suggest you word it "I thought I loved him." It's really hard to take back the foggy statements that are made months down the road.
Do whatever you can to free up his schedule. Do not blame your BH, do not defend your behavior, for the love of god, do not defend OM.
Make a timeline now. Why not? Don't shove it in his face when you confess, but when he settles and starts asking questions you can tell him you made a timeline (because you read this is often helpful and necessary to BS's) if he'd like to see it.
And your reason, simply that he deserves to know the truth. And if you're doing it because you want to live an honest life with him? Then say so.
And last and certainly not least, find 101 ways to get the kids out of the house to protect them.

Good luck to you! You're doing the right thing.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and sadly, I'd make sure you plan ahead for possibly needing to move out at least for a day or two, maybe more. Make sure it's somewhere that is in the opposite direction of OM. Be ready to be totally accountable and reassuring to your BH. Tell him you'll do whatever he needs. Stay with him to support him, answer questions, take care of the kids and the house, or give him space.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would google forgiveness stuff written by Rick Reynolds.

After my W read it she seemed to have a better understanding of what she was asking from me in a R M.

It may not be st to offer right away, but something for both of you to read. It isn't that long and may help you understand your BH POV. It would probably help him too. After your confession that is.



Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2539 | Registered: May 2010
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I find interesting is that the exact same good advice in the 'article' has been given to you repeatedly by numerous posters here on SI for weeks.
I thought it was a good article, easy to read and quickly. Often these threads get so long and hard to keep up with for those that aren't following them on a regular basis. I agree most of what has been said to me is the same as the article.

I actually prefer advice from someone that has been through something rather than a professional. Depends on the situation but definitely in a situation like I'm in I do feel that a first hand opinion is worth more than a degree in psychology. So it was no disrespect in posting it. Actually I do feel like the healing library needs a post like this though, about what to do before you confess or to prepare for D-Day. I don't remember really seeing anything there. A clean easy to read format is best I think. Maybe when I have time one day I will compile all the advice I've been given here to have posted there.

Also I still do not feel that one answer, confessing, is right for all. I haven't done it yet but my reasons for doing so have changed a bit since the beginning because I'm starting to feel differently about it. I think confessing will be the best way for me and him to move into a better marriage if that is possible. And if it is not then I have to deal with that. I'm very scared of course because this will come as a total shock.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@confused43
I have noticed as your posts continued any mention of your AP has dwindled more and more. It could just be my perception but it seems as you've been preparing to confess you've been focusing more of your thoughts and energy on your BH. Not asking you to confirm if you've been experiencing more detachment from AP/emotional investment in your BH, just making an observation.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused.....just sent you a PM.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
2 sons together-28 & 23
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
WW with H#2 =BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 199 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm proud of you for taking the step to confess. I have often said that discovering my FWH's infidelity (3 d-days) have made R that much harder. I am still unable to forgive and we are 2 years out. I wonder how much longer the A's would've gone on, how many more women there would've been, had I not come across his Facebook that fateful day. He has admitted he would never have confessed.

How to prepare your spouse? Except for protecting your children, I can't think of anything. He will be in shock and you need to listen. You caused this. You can't minimize his pain nor his reactions. But in the end, he will appreciate that you cared enough about him (FINALLY!!) to come to HIM and put an end to your deceit. I give you lots of credit for doing the right thing now. It sets the stage for R. I am proud of you.

Good luck.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Regrette
♀ New Member
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Regrette,
I'm going to respectfully disagree with this statement...
Affairs are just games people play.
...and I feel many of the WS who post here would similarly disagree.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

To be completely fair, this:

The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching
led to this:
the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances
...the affair is what tore that other stuff apart....the confession is just the enforcement mechanism....and not always. It just gives the BS the right to make a decision based off of real-time info. Both people deserve to have an accurate picture of the state of their relationship at any given time.
Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games.
That might be one the most depressing things I've ever read here...

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:06 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage.

Speechless.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@confused43
If you choose not to confess, whether your husband is aware of it or not, there will always be a wall between the two of you because of the secrets and lies you are keeping. Do you want to live your life walled off from the person you love most in life? I commend you for making the decision to live authentically and open up to your husband. Now you just have to rip off the bandaid and do it once he gets home.

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married.

I also whole-heartedly disagree with this point of view. This sounds like someone who is completely disinterested in having any deep connection with another human being. These are not the words of someone who loves, appreciates and respects their spouse IMO.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe for some people their A signal to them that they aren't cut out for the emotional and physical bonds, commitments and intimacy of marriage. Fair enough. It takes a lot of work, self-reflection, honesty, patience and awareness. If Regrette's awareness is that it isn't for her, fine.

That doesn't mean someone like confused doesn't want to give living in the open a shot. And to give her husband a shot at an honest life where he has the choice to continue to build a home with her or not.

And if she doesn't she and Regrette should be free to express their contrary view and articulate why...


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
majortom87
New Member
Member # 40350
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

WTF

Let me guess, your H or W's feelings are not "real" either, right? The finances, of course, the money in your pocket it's what's real, isn't it? Who cares about that beast of burden you mercifully have living with you, working his/her ass off or taking care of the kids for you? That sh*t ain't real!! Let's have fun!! I applaud your progressiveness, yeah.

The things I have to read, I swear.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married.

This sounds like someone who is completely disinterested in having any deep connection with another human being.

Sounds to me like someone who never grew up, who goes through life never accepting responsibility for anything, who thinks the world owes them, someone who believes they are above everyone else and should never have to face consequences.
In other words, a cheater with their cranium firmly ensconced in their rectum.

But I digress.



I think confessing will be the best way for me and him to move into a better marriage if that is possible.

That's gold right there, I'm proud of you confused.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 2:21 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 358 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's something very raw and philosophical in regrettes post. Don't know if it was meant to be but it reminded me of one of my favourite theories, that of Maslows hierarchy of needs.

He explains that things like self actualisation and fulfilment of emotional needs are largely irrelevant unless we have our basic physical needs met first, e.g., food, shelter, safety, somewhere warm to sleep etc.

This may start a controversial discussion but it's a thought in my mind and I'm going to share it.. are the poverty fuelled people who live in the slums of India, the ones who beg for food and milk to feed their babies, are they as concerned with infidelity as us??


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe for some people their A signal to them that they aren't cut out for the emotional and physical bonds, commitments and intimacy of marriage. Fair enough. It takes a lot of work, self-reflection, honesty, patience and awareness. If Regrette's awareness is that it isn't for her, fine.

The 2 people I told about my A were absolutely, totally AGAINST me confessing to my H. This was prior to me finding SI. According to them, I am risking my M and they were confident my H wouldn't take me back. They insisted that I was remorseful and that's all that mattered, that I would never do it again and that I will make it up to my H. This was my best friend and my sister. They only had my best interest at heart as they didn't want to see me divorced. They would never have told their husbands, but they are not me, and what may be right for them was not right for me. Those two women, as much as I love them, are very happy to not have intense attachments to their husbands. They have nice homes, lovely kids and nice enough men that they are married to. That is enough for them and they would never risk that (neither have had A's btw). But that's not enough for me, I wanted more from my M.

I went with what felt right and told my H. Granted, we don't talk about it and our M continues as though nothing has happened, but I have done the RIGHT thing by letting him know what kind of a woman he's married to. I crave to be close to him and knew full well that by keeping this secret there would always be something coming between us.


What I really did struggle with however, is him reading my e-mails between AP and I. As it happens, he doesn't want to read them and I am relieved as I know my H well enough to know, if he read them he'd never be able to get them out of his head.

I have a feeling you're going to end up confessing soon. You're definitely building up to it.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are the poverty fuelled people who live in the slums of India, the ones who beg for food and milk to feed their babies, are they as concerned with infidelity as us?

I believe the modern venacular is 'First World Problems'

I tend to agree with the theory.

Would so much time and energy be devoted to the issue of infidelity if we were busy trying to get the next meal for our children or find somewhere to sleep?
Would it even be an issue if there were 'bigger fish to fry' so to speak.

I don't think so.

But here's the thing, we're not in the slums of India so therefore to us, it is a big deal, you feel what you feel.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 358 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

In my working travels in SE Asia I found the exact opposite to be true.
The prevailing attitude I observed was there are bigger things to worry about, get on with living. Perhaps there are cultural differences that explain the discrepancy.

Since Bdell's and my evidence is purely anecdotal it should be totally ignored.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:45 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 358 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
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