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User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
TennisTC
♀ Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following your story and I really commend you for being ready to take the next step. In terms of books, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" - it's very short and addresses the topic of confessing. I will PM you a link to a URL where the book is posted online (I don't think I can include the link here). You can probably read it in less than an hour, but I would print it off and keep re-reading it. Also, my WH and I found the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass extremely helpful. We read it shortly after DDay and we are reading it again now that we are a little further along in our journey.

You can do this!


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you from all BSs that where their WS did not confess. I know it takes courage. Keep that courage and don't give into the urge to turn tail and run before it's done. I knew something was going on and constantly got denials. I had 3 ddays because WH can't commit to NC and keeps going back. He continues to lie and hide it. Follow through on confessing. As others said be prepared for disbelief, hurt, anger and more. If you have kids at home please send them away for the weekend. They don't need to be a part of this. Really listen to him. Answer his questions truthfully. No more cover ups and deceit. I think writing a timeline is good but don't give it to him right away unless he asks. It may be too much for him to handle at once, but make sure you tell him about it. Put it somewhere safe where he can look at it whenever he wants. Put any "evidence" he may ask for there too...like phone logs and such. This way he doesn't have to hunt that info down or ask you for it if he doesn't want to. Have all emails and passwords written down and given to him. No avoidance or TT...this is killing me. Be willing to answer why and how a million times. Understand his feelings. Show remorse and empathy. It will help in the long run. I wish mine would show more. NC with OP...NONE! Cut him off. Write NC letter if still necessary and have your BS read it. Don't ever break NC. An affair is an addiction you MUST keep away from him. Also, his BS must be told. She deserves to know. This will also help with the NC. Focus on taking care of your BS. He'll need you even when he may not want you there...unless he tells you to leave. Then leave and give him space. He's going to need to grieve the death of the marriage he knew. It's gone and only ashes remain.
I truly wish you the best in your journey. I wish my WH had the courage to do what you are going to do it would've saved me from some of the pain I'm in now. Please let us know how you're doing. Good luck.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:48 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck, Confused, on your journey to an authentic you.

One of the first and most important things I said to my wife on DDay was I wanted to come home. To her. To us. And to myself. That meant everything to her.

On the worst day of our marriage we agreed to plant the seed of reconciliation. On the worst day of our marriage we became a team again.

I hope your marriage finds a way home.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused, I don't think there is anything I can add that hasn't been said in terms of advice.

I wanted to chime in with my kudos to you. You clearly have the strength to stick with this.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that no matter how you handle it, you're doing the right thing.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't had a chance to read your whole thread yet, as I am work, so I hope I am not repeating what others have already said.

But......just sit down tonight & TELL HIM. Get a babysitter, preferably overnight, so your kids are not home & sit him down & get it all out there. There is no easy way & nothing about it is going to be easy. My concern is that you are going to do too much thinking & talk yourself out of it.

You can read my story in my profile, but I have not been able to tell my husband of my "A" 6 years ago, because "he doesn't want to know". Have tried several times but he is adamant...."I don't want to know".

And let me tell ya.....the guilt, shame, self-hatred, loathing, and every other emotion does not go away. I have to live with my secret every day of my life & I hate myself for it. I wish I could tell him, but my IC had a good point that after his responses, it is now selfish of me to still want him to know. (BUT....she would not say not to tell him if his response was different. She would be, & was, all for honesty & being open, until I told her about his response.)
According to her, I need to just continue doing the work on my own to fix myself & make sure it never happens again. And it will NEVER happen again!!! I do know that but......

The problem with just working on myself is that how do I know when my "work" is done?? How do I know he won't find out in the future & all hell will break loose then?? How could I ever get mad at him if he did the same to me?? How do I look him in the face & not break down into tears for what I have done to us without him even knowing it was done??? How would my kids feel if they knew?? Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc. The mind questions never end.

So much time has passed & due to our circumstances at that time, I am pretty sure he knows something happened, but cuts me off EVERY time the convo has come around to that time in our lives.

And it is HELL living with it & keeping it a secret. I feel the lies continue even though I do not lie to him now & didn't then. The secret itself is the lie that won't go away & I hate myself for it.

TELL HIM NOW!!! Just get it over with. It isn't fair to him & the longer you wait, the harder it will be & then you will be living the "lie" I live every day & it sucks big time!!!

I never had the attachment to my AP you have, so it was easy for me to break it off on my own & never look back. I haven't spoke to him since the day I woke up & thought WFT are you doing. It seems you are apparently still attached though, so you have some issues involved I did not that you will have to work on as well.

Also, did it ever occur to you that your AP's marriage wasn't good either because he was having an A & the guilt may have been eating him alive inside?? Hello.....how can a marriage be good in any way when there is a 3rd person involved?? He probably lied to you just like you did to him about your spouses. His BW probably thinks their marriage is fine & life is good, so perhaps that had something to do with his emotional detachment from you.....or from her because of his attachment to you???

I wish you well & hope it goes OK for your BH. Be there for him in whatever way he needs, or doesn't. Just take whatever he throws your way (figuratively speaking...not actually objects)& continue being there for him. This will be a rough ride for you both but possibly show him the way to SI as well so he can also get help from the GREAT people here.

We are here for you, but please do the right thing & tell him. Trust me....it is better than having the punishment of it eating you from the inside out the rest of your life.



Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Confused))

So proud of you. You can do this.

You''ve gotten good advice from some BH''s like Mike7 and Brandon. Read it twice.

My BH and I were talking about the aftermath of DDay recently. He said dealing with "the fog" was much worse than the idea that I''d actually had sex with OM. My A was brief, but intense, and I was dangerously addicted to AP. BH dealing with starry-eyed me, and the months it took me to go through withdrawal...was beyond cruel.

I support you confessing. 100%. IMO you will minimize the damage to your BH if you can pull your head further out of your ass first. People may disagree with me, and that''s fine...it''s SI. Take what you need and leave the rest.

I just hope you truly and deeply realize (whenever you tell BH) that your decision to have an affair had zero, zip, nada to do with your husband or your marriage. Zero! It was about your bad coping mechanisms, your weakness, your flaws. That''s hard...perhaps impossible...for you to grasp now. But you''re starting to come around, and I''m super hopeful for you.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 4:25 PM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I told you on another thread and some have said here, don't try to make it sound like it happened and was out of your control. You made the choice every step of the way to betray your husband, your family, your vows. You have killed his trust in you. He will never see you as he did, as the woman he fall in love with, the woman he married. You have killed a part of him. This will forever change him.

Pulled a quote from another post on this thread. I'm a BS, and I don't see this as a universal truth. It clearly can be true for some people, but it isn't for me. I still see my WW as the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Yes I have some scars. But our relationship is better than it has ever been.

While what I went through in the wake of her infidelity was miserable, I can't think of any part of me that died.

To the extent that I am changed, I firmly believe it is for the better. I'm a better husband, father, son, brother and friend after having done a lot of work on my own healing.

You are going to hurt. He is going to hurt. If he is willing and you both work at it, it is possible to heal and become stronger.

best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just catching up on the posts from today. A lot of good useful information. He is out of town so I wont be telling him for at least a week. I figure it is good for me to prepare. In my "messed up" thinking I have an advantage here that those that were caught didnt have. I get time to figure out what to/not to say. Doesn't mean I'll screw up but at least I can try to compose myself and prepare rather than having my BH call me on the phone to get the fuck home and explain who so and so is.

I dont think my husband will view it as a "why did you wait so long to tell me" I honestly think he will have too many other thoughts going on. Plus the affair has not been over for very long so it's not like I've really waited that long.

Yes I'm still in the fog. True. I know that. I'm doing the best I can right now. My biggest worry is answering questions honestly without hurting him more. I like some of the suggestions about the LOVE question. There is going to be so much for him to absorb it's hard to say what his questions will be.

So I'm wondering what needs to be in my timeline? How detailed do you get? The start of the affair, I get that but what inbetween? Dinners out, bike rides, or is that too specific? ALso if I try to get a timeline with details that means taking a ride down memory lane which would not be good for me right now. Remember I'm in foggy land still. That doesn't mean I am not wanting to work on things with my husband, it means that the affair is still too fresh for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the extent that I am changed, I firmly believe it is for the better. I'm a better husband, father, son, brother and friend after having done a lot of work on my own healing.

I agree. I am stronger and healthier thanks to a lot of the skills I learned in recovering from this. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was good to have gone through, but I am finally happy with the new me and I love my FWH as much as I did before. I even respect him in new ways because it is not an easy path to be a remorseful WS.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG6886, that would be really hard to finally tell your BH and then he doesn't want to know. I think that what you are dealing with is your punishment in a sense. That was the main reason I didnt want to tell my bh. I felt it would be my punishment to live with this the rest of my life and know what I did but how can I then transfer that to him, that seems so mean. Like guess what, I screwed up, now I feel better telling you so it's your problem. So it seemed nicer to not tell but after listening to so many here on SI and doing my own reading and research one of my biggest reasons for telling is that we have a better chance of having a much better committed marriage. That is after the hell we will have to go through afterall but my hope is I can look back and say it was worth going through hell because of the closeness we now have.

I don't know that I'd want to know if roles were reversed but if he said he cheated then I'd get obsessive and want to know everything.

I think for you it's extra hard because you told him but he said DONT. So you are truly stuck in limbo. I'm pretty sure my husband will not say that but not sure what he'll say. I do plan on telling him in the next week or so. It will be when the kids are gone for a couple of nights to give us time to absorb it all without them being around. Honestly I think that is the smartest thing to do. I am still a mom and have to look out for my kids. Because I get to pick DDay I will chose one that works best my situation.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here? I just want to be able to have someplace to get my feelings and questions out without having him seeing them. Maybe I don't take someone advice and he'll know, maybe I want to say that he's been pissing me off because of A, B or C and I want to vent freely without him knowing.

I Think it would be good, at least initially to be in different places.

Google "infidellity forum" and you will find others to direct your H to. The fifth is realy good and would be my recomendation.

However be adived that if he wants to he will find your posts here fairly easy.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2013
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm wondering what needs to be in my timeline?

I know of several that did 2 timelines. Each placed in á marked envelope (overview and detailed). One just have the basic facts like:

* When it started
* When you met
* When it was physical
* When it ended.

The other contains all details you can come upp with:

* All above
* What you said to each other
* What pohysical acts you did and when.
Basically all the details.

You give your H both. Tell him that the "overview" contains a timelein of the A but without any details and that the "detailed" contains all details you could remeber while Writing it. Make sure that he understands that you probarbly did not remeber Everything. Also ask him to Think long and hard whether he realy wants to read the details because once he does he can not unlearn them.

However, it will be his choise to read or not or to keep it for how long he wants Before he decides what to do with it.

This aproach leaves it up to him to decide if he wants the details or not. Some do, for some it will be impossible to R if they have all the details.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know of several that did 2 timelines. Each placed in á marked envelope (overview and detailed).

What a scathingly brilliant idea. Good one TOMTEFAR.

Confused43, I'm glad you have decided to confess.

We always knew you had it in you.

Here's the thing, you're stalling, we know it, you know it.

You cannot prepare your BS for this. Nothing will soften the blow.

He's going to feel the full force of betrayal, no matter what you do.

Any preparation you do, will have very little effect on the absolute chaos you & your BS's world is about to become.

You cannot minimise his pain or your consequences.

The only thing the correct actions after confession can do is reduce the amount of time your BS takes to heal.

The chaos is going to last for next couple of years, minimum.

Accept you cannot control it or him.

The best you can do is ride the tsunami.

Work on yourself, better yourself, support your BS, give him what he needs to help him heal if he gives you the opportunity.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:01 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really proud of you, confused43.

The only thing I can think of that maybe wasn't mentioned is some physical comfort stuff. I really could have used some specifics like ibuprofen and water in the immediate aftermath.

Good luck.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing, you're stalling, we know it, you know it.
He is out of town for work until next week. Makes for a good stall then huh? : ) but really I am not doing it over the phone.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing my WH said, and says when I get triggery, is that it wasn't real- nothing about it was real. She didn't matter and I've always wanted to be with you.

Definitely make sure the kids are away for a few days and don't do it on/near any special dates ie. birthdays, holidays etc.

I really like the timeline idea too.

Whatever you do, do not defend your AP or compliment him in any way. On that first horrible day my WH said a few things that I just can't forget (we liked each other. We had a lot in common etc). I wish I could unhear those things. I never want to hear him say anything remotely good about her.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will work on my timeline. That 2nd one scares me. I may have to make a modified one. I don't know that he'll want to see those details. Rather than having him see what maybe he wishes he didnt I will wait to see what he wants to know. I believe everyone is different in what they want to see/hear. I don't want to force the information on him as it might be more damaging especially in the first part. There will be enough shock and disappointment. I need him to let me know the level of detail he will want. If he decides to read my email that will be another layer. My hope is that he can get all the answers he needs from me without torturing himself by reading the words. I plan to be totally honest. I wish I had a sensor machine so when I start to say things that I shouldn't that it would change those words for me, or at the very least send a shock to my body to make me realize.

Thanks again everyone. I'm glad you see that I am here because I do care about him and us.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused- good luck. You are taking the first step, ending it and confessing. Many of us didn't take that or experience it. It goes so far in healing.
Continue choosing the next right step, one at a time. Live authentically, whether he decides to stay with you or not. That is all you have in this life really- your integrity.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4733 | Registered: Dec 2010
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but really I am not doing it over the phone.
I agree 100%.

You made mention of your hope that your M could be better than before. There are couples who have successfully R'd who have said the same thing so I understand where you're coming from when you said that. But....(you knew that was coming).....do not say that when you confess. In fact I would not ask him to commit to R at all. Instead make it clear that is what you want (if you do indeed want to R) and that you understand he may need some time process all of this.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3720 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Topic Posts: 134
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