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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

But I wonder if it would be processed quicker in those circumstances? Betrayal would hurt no matter what your social and financial status but I would hazard a guess that when you also have vital issues such as what you're going to eat that day, maybe you work through it quicker?

Anyway, this is all largely academic. Confused, this thread is about you and what you decide to do. I am a firm believer that no one must be forced into doing something they do not want to do. Confessing and not tt'ing is what people will advise. It's people speaking from their own experiences and you can either choose to listen or not. I am one that will always be in favour of confessing but that does not mean I judge neither force anyone who chooses that this is not the right avenue for them.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regrette...

Please start your own thread.

Everyone else...

Please stop t/jing Confused's thread and keep on topic.

Thanks!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197737 | Registered: May 2002
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, first let me say that I applaud you for confessing the A. It may not seem like it now, but it will pay huge dividends for BOTH of you , in the future. My wife regrets completely that she didn't tell me, and listened to her IC , who told her not to. By confessing, you are re-establishing trust and respect, and that will go a long way to proving your remorse and honesty.
As far as prepping him for the confession, I think that there is little you can do, other than writing the timeline and making sure that there are no other distractions, when you tell him. Alone, after dinner or some other quiet time would seem like the best idea. Good luck!! I wish my wife had the courage you are showing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still here. just doing lots of reading. Scared out of my crazy mind to say the least. Husband is still out of town. Trying to absorb what I can but super overwhelmed.

I know in my heart it's the right thing to do. I want him to want me with all my flaws and all. I know he wont be able to after I tell him but I just mean that in time I hope he can. I always said if he found out he'd want a divorce so my hope is by him not finding out and me confessing that he will see that I'm serious about keeping our relationship.

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth. I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

The other question was if AP's spouse knew and yes she does. She found out, didn't care too much and said they should proceed with the divorce they started the prior year. Not a big issue which is kind of sad really. AP is in new home now and things are going well for everyone. No he is not lying to me. Also AP's wife has obviously not told my husband and I dont believe she will. However that does not make me sleep easier at night as she could change her mind a few years down the road when her life is possibly miserable and she wants to hurt me.

As I sit here in my nice warm home with my belongings near me I cant even think what would happen if I had to move out and get a divorce. I honestly try not to let my mind go there since it will be out of my control. The time I had control was before I started my affair and well I didn't think things through very well. In the end I do believe in my heart that if we can survive this that our marriage will be stronger and if we cant then I guess I try to move on as best as I can. I do agree he does deserve the truth though.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the AP's BS knowing I don't really think you have an option of not telling your husband. Its too big of a risk to think at some point she won't contact him and tell all.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that when the OM got engaged last year, I reached out to his fiancee and told her about his A with my WW. I never had contact with OM, but I wanted to hurt him. Probably not the most useful thing I ever did with my time, but sharing so that you know that the chance your husband finds out about this through other means have definitely gone up with the BS of your OM knowing.

Glad you are working through this and looking forward to seeing the support you'll get in this community when you take that step and need wise heads to help guide you in healing yourself and your husband.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Confused43,
If you had posted about it beforehand I would have advised against telling OM you were going to confess. It''s not so much about damage control but about showing loyalty. You cannot, if you hope to R, do anything that puts the OM before your BH. Your OM cannot have any consideration of that kind going forward. You give people a "heads up" out of concern, respect or deference.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 5:54 PM, January 21st, 2014 (Tuesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3797 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
BryanP37
♂ New Member
Member # 39685
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are as ready as you ever will be. There is no good way to break that kind of news to someone. I only wish my ex wife confessed her affair to me after she had been caught by her ex best friend instead of taking it underground. Me finding out on my own figured heavily into me filing for divorce immediately. It turned some kind of ugly once I confirmed what was going on and confronted my ex wife.

I commend you on your courage to do the right thing and confess to your husband and give him the opportunity to decide for himself what direction he wants to go. It appears you are making good preparations before you confess. I tend to agree the odds of saving your marriage are better if you come clean up front. My ex did not.

The only advise I can offer as you've had some very good suggestions up to this point is to expect the unexpected. Don't expect a normal anger response. Mine was shocking to everyone. It hit me like nothing ever has. Completely out of character for me. Then again, it may dumbfound him and be a delayed reaction. Nonetheles, it appears you are prepared and ready to do the right thing for your husband.

I wish you peace and strength.


BS: Me-38
XWS: Her-34
Married 7 yrs, together 9 years-No kids
Ex had 4 month PA with her best friends husband. Other flings early in marriage confessed during discovery.
Divorce final 6-25-2013.
Carefully reconciling after divorce. 10/2013

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth.

You contacted him to warn him and to try to protect yourself. This action continues to show no consideration or respect for your BH.

You can try to control and manipulate this situation, but that won't help any chance of R.

I asked you that question "had you been NC with the AP" several days ago. You evaded it for obvious reasons.

I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

Time will tell. Actions, not words. I haven't seen any positive actions yet, just contact with the OP.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth.

Interesting...
Was this your only contact or have you been in constant contact since your BH has been gone?

I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

Yes you are. Your contact with him proves that.

You are still very much in your affair and it is quite evident where your loyalties still lie


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2493 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the

Make sure your husband knows this....
You do realize it's more manipulation on your part?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4912 | Registered: Dec 2010
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You contacted him to warn him and to try to protect yourself. This action continues to show no consideration or respect for your BH.

You can try to control and manipulate this situation, but that won't help any chance of R.

I asked you that question "had you been NC with the AP" several days ago. You evaded it for obvious reasons.

That's fine, think what you want. I'm not here to impress any of you. I like getting different perspectives but I don't need to prove myself to anyone but my family right now. I contacted him because I don't want AP to lie to my husband in order to protect me. That would not be good. Maybe look at it from a different perspective. Since I'm not in contact with AP he may get a random call from my BH and may answer with a bunch of "I don't remember" etc, then it makes it look like we are hiding something. Did I forget to mention we went out to drinks while discussing this - just trying to get you fired up. Of course I didn't.

I didn't have to answer your question MrsPanda but I did. Sure it took me a few days as I am alone taking care of my 3 kids and was not able to fully read the messages. I did answer it though and could have easily avoided it. I have always answered honestly as again I have nothing to prove to any of you.

You are still very much in your affair and it is quite evident where your loyalties still lie
Again nothing to prove to any of you. You are wrong but I'm losing interest in defending myself. I have a lot on mind as it is and I'm not going to let you get under my skin. Think what you want. I have no problem letting my husband know that I contacted AP and told him to tell the truth. My husband can look at my emails if he wants. I hope he doesn't but they are there. I can see however that a BS may want to contact AP and ask questions. For many reasons. Don't know if it will happen here but wanted to be prepared.

Just know every situation is different, you can't put everyone in the same box. What I read on SI is heartbreaking. All the TT and such to make it harder on the BS. I am trying to do this the least painful way I can. I've gotten a lot of great advice on this site and I will focus on that.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the flaws in logic here is that you assume that because you told your AP to tell your husband the truth, that he's going to do so. I mean, if your husband calls him up and threatens all manners of bodily harm and rips the guy a new one, my guess is that the AP is going to get defensive and maybe all attack-ey.

Also, if your story and the AP's story match up, and you tell your husband that you called him ahead of time, there's a very good chance that he's going to just assume that you called him ahead to get your stories straight.

I agree...not every situation is the same. I think most posters here would agree with that...what is worrisome is that it feels like you're trying to know and control the variables at play here. I'm not telling you your way of handling it is *wrong*, per se, just that there are a million different ways this can go down, and there is no real way to plan for that.

ETA: Just being careful to try to fit within guidelines.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted him because I don't want AP to lie to my husband in order to protect me.
I see what your thought process was there. My post was more about the perception of it from the BS perspective. You need to be aware of it. If I only heard that the OM knew you were going to confess, that you had spoken to him about the confession before I heard the confession then I would be bothered by it for the reasons I mentioned in my last post. If I'm told it was to ensure the OM did not try to gaslight me then I would be more understanding but the contact would still bother me.

Good luck.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3797 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I'm wrong. Just to reiterate, there is no least painful way. Your intention may have been good by contacting the AP The interpretation of that intention May not be seen as such once confessed


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2493 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and if roles were reversed I would have wanted AP to let me know his wife knew and it was ok for me to be honest. We did not end badly where we are looking to hurt the other person. We both want what is best for one another. FOr me I want to make it work with my husband. For him he is now on his own trying to get his life back together. All I'm saying is I'd want to know so I didn't make it any harder on him working it out with his wife. Not that I would necessarily lie but I'd prefer to have him tell me it's ok to be totally honest.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the flaws in logic here is that you assume that because you told your AP to tell your husband the truth, that he's going to do so. I mean, if your husband calls him up and threatens all manners of bodily harm and rips the guy a new one, my guess is that the AP is going to get defensive and maybe all attack-ey.

Also, if your story and the AP's story match up, and you tell your husband that you called him ahead of time, there's a very good chance that he's going to just assume that you called him ahead to get your stories straight.

I have everything in email and my AP knows I am not deleting the emails right now so he has no reason to lie unless he wants to take a harder beating. Also no reason to get stories straight as the proof in the email. That was our main form of communicating. It's all there.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are still new to this and no everything doesn't fit in the same box, but we know What works and what does not

contact with the AP about confession and telling the truth can backfire. It is good you kept those emails. Overall He is going to want the truth from you


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2493 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and if roles were reversed I would have wanted AP to let me know his wife knew and it was ok for me to be honest.
I do see your rationale. The point is that approach is not thinking about it from your BH's pov. One of the questions you will likely get is "When did you talk to him (i.e. when was the last time you spoke to him) and what did you talk about?"

Think of it this way. What if every time you texted, emailed or spoke to OM someone took a sharp needle and physically jabbed your BH with it? Imagine every time you were in direct contact with OM someone took your BH and dunked him in a vat of ice water after injecting him with an epinephrine pen. The thing is I'm not exaggerating. Every time I read about those kind of things that is about how I felt (probably worse tbh).

Good luck.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3797 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've said from the start that Confused is trying to once again "handle" or manipulate her husband and the situation. She "handled" her husband during the entire affair. Confused, I don't know you and I can see this, the chance that your husband won't is slim. Looking for the perfect time, place and manner to tell. Its all manipulation, your way of being in control. You can't control this. All you have is the truth, and even that isn't in your control, being that the OM's BS is aware. You control only being able to tell him before she does. I promise you, its crossed her mind and she may be very well working towards that end.

Once your husband knows I fear you will continue to control things, this will only puch him farther away from what you want.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope it works out for the two of you. I fear it won't.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
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